


Saudade

by HaemophilusLeona



Series: Edward's Twilight Saga [2]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Book: New Moon, F/M, Romance, Vampires, Volturi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-10-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 12:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 109,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4705313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaemophilusLeona/pseuds/HaemophilusLeona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edward's New Moon. Edward tells why he leaves Bella, how he hunts Victoria, the phone call, and their reunion.<br/>Saudade: to miss something that was once yours, but is no longer; the love that remains<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This, of course, is New Moon, told from Edward's point of view. I have also finished posting Eclipse, plus a prequel that I'd like to invite you to read.  
> Eternal Teenager covers Edward's most formative early years, and can be read at any point in this saga. As with all of this series, it is Edward's pov, and as true to canon as was humanly possible.  
> Currently, I'm posting Breaking Dawn. Hope to see you there as well.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: Alas, I am not Stephenie Meyer. I'm just grateful to be allowed to play in the universe which she built.

**Prologue**

My life was over; my body just didn't know it yet. _Soon,_ I promised myself. The end was near, and it couldn't come quick enough.

I had come to Italy knowing that I would have to break the law. Although I'd hoped the vampires that ruled our world would be willing to kill me, they had refused. If I wanted to die by their hands, I was going to have to force the matter. I had spent hours plotting the best ways to break their laws, considering everything from tearing their castle apart to simply going on a killing spree. I'd weighed the many options, but found myself incapable of acting on any of them. Finally, I'd decided that the only law I was actually willing to break was also the simplest. Exposure. If I showed myself to the humans, I would not be allowed to live.

Today was Saint Marcus Day, a day that was celebrated with the destruction of a vampire. The cloth and plaster puppet would be draped in red and paraded through the streets to the square in front of the clock tower, where it would be burned while the humans danced. The holiday commemorated the day when Saint Marcus had driven the last vampire out of the city - or so the humans thought.

If my plan worked, and I saw no reason why it should not, then there would be a real vampire burning on this day: me.

I stood in the shadows of the corridor beneath the clock tower, waiting for the bell to toll the hour. My eyes as I grieved for the human girl whose life I had destroyed. It didn't matter that I hadn't seen her in months, that I was on a different continent when she died. I had killed her as surely as if I had drunk her blood myself. There was no fighting against fate and I had been the monster chosen by fate to end her life. I had resisted with all of my might, but, puppet that I was, I had acted as fate had decreed.

It was Bella's destiny to die, and it was mine to be the cause of her death.

I didn't bother to dwell on my last seven months of misery; they were no longer important. Instead, I brought to mind the summer I had spent with my Bella. As I waited where I couldn't be seen, I relived every second I had spent in her presence, a demon who'd been graced with the love of an angel. Her scent had been captivating, better than the sweetest flower, more tempting than water to a man in the desert, and more necessary to my life than air to a human. Just to hear her breathe had given meaning to my existence.

Now my beloved was dead. I had killed her. All that was left was for me to follow, but I held no hopes to be reunited with her. I was a vampire, a killer, a soulless monster, and my angel was surely in Heaven. I had no chance of Heaven myself. No, the best I could hope for was oblivion. When my body was torn limb from limb and set on fire, I would cease to exist. My suffering would end in one brief moment of pain. It _had_ to. The agony I had lived in for months – and worse, what I was suffering now, knowing that she was dead – made the thought of the fire that would end my life seem a welcome release.

I unbuttoned my shirt and felt it slip off of my shoulders, letting it fall to the ground at my feet. I took a deep breath, imagining her face once again, her chocolate eyes, her silken hair, the taste of her lips. Her presence in that moment was so real, I could hear her call my name, the crowd's noise meaningless next to the sound of her voice, calling my name, calling me home.

"Edward!" her voice called, and the sweetness of the sound brought a smile to my lips. _"Edward!"_

The bell on the clock tolled, announcing the hour. It was noon and the bright sun was directly overhead.

I took a step out of the darkness and into the sunlight. I raised my face and the light flared against my eyes as I spread my arms and embraced my death.


	2. Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twilight and all of the characters and events belong to Stephenie Meyer and not to me. Wherever this book matches the original, all dialogue as well as the main story line are taken from New Moon

**Party**

September 13th

My sister, Alice, was bouncing with excitement in her seat as I drove us to school. I smirked as I listened to her planning the evening’s festivities. Today was a day worthy of celebrating. It was the birthday of Isabella Swan.

My Bella.

Alice and I had been looking forward to today nearly as much as Bella seemed to dread it. No gifts, she had instructed. No parties, no extra attention. She did not feel the desire to celebrate growing older, but I – and Alice and the rest of my family – felt the anniversary of her birth _was_ something to celebrate.

Alice held the small silver package on her lap and continued making party plans. _Esme is picking up the cake at noon,_ she thought. _We’ll need lots of candles; what’s a birthday without candles? I can’t wait for her to open your gift, Edward. She’s going to love it! I’ll run home as soon as school lets out and will have everything all set up by the time you bring her by._

Bella had made me promise not to spend any money on her birthday. That didn’t mean I didn’t plan on giving her a gift anyway. Despite Alice’s reassurances, I was nervous over her acceptance of my gift. My smirk widened into a broad grin as I anticipated her reaction.

I glanced up at the overcast sky in satisfaction. Although the small town of Forks in the state of Washington was almost always covered in clouds and rain, we did have an occasional sunny day. Alice had assured me that the sun would not shine on this day. I would not have to hide away from public eyes today. This was why we chose Forks as our home. The near constant cloud cover gave my family the freedom to live almost normal lives.

Not that we were normal in any sense of the word.

As I pulled into the school parking lot, I scanned the cars for Bella’s ’53 Chevy truck, knowing she wouldn’t be there yet, but unable to stop myself from looking. Not seeing her rusted behemoth, I parked my car and got out, prepared to wait for her arrival. I could hear the roar of her truck’s engine and smiled in anticipation. Alice danced to my side and leaned against the car with me, waiting for Bella.

I watched impatiently as she parked her truck and slammed the door. She walked slowly toward me, and I wished, as always, that I knew what she was thinking. The expression on her face was wary, distrustful. She could see the gift Alice was holding and knew something was up. Too excited to wait for Bella to close the distance between us, Alice skipped over to meet her.

“Happy birthday, Bella!” Alice squealed excitedly.

“Shh!” Bella hissed as she glanced around. I shook my head at her and laughed. She worried over the silliest things.

Without missing a beat, Alice continued, “Do you want to open your present now or later?”

“No presents,” she mumbled.

 _She’s determined to be difficult, isn’t she?_  She narrowed her eyes, but persisted cheerfully. “Okay… later, then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie?”

“Yeah. They’re great,” Bella said without enthusiasm.

“ _I_ think it’s a nice idea. You’re only a senior once. Might as well document the experience.”

“How many times have _you_ been a senior?”

“That’s different.”

She finally made it to me and I reached for her eagerly. Her skin was warm on mine and I squeezed her hand. I heard the change in her heartbeat and grinned at her. Unwilling to have her even an arm’s length away, I closed the distance between us and lifted my other hand to trace her lips with my fingers. I could feel her warm breath on my cold skin, and stared into her melted chocolate eyes.

“So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?” I asked her.

“Yes. That is correct.”

“Just checking,” I chuckled. “You _might_ have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts.” Most humans might, but then, Bella was not like most humans. She was selfless and gentle, good to her core, and as warm and radiant as the sun. She was a contradiction, a mix of tiger and kitten. Her body was fragile and delicate, but it contained a soul of such purity and strength, I was constantly amazed.

“Of course you’ll enjoy it,” Alice said with a laugh. “Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Getting older,” Bella grumbled, her voice trembling.

I gritted my teeth, knowing exactly what she meant. I tried to keep the smile on my face, determined not to fight with her today.

“Eighteen isn’t very old,” Alice said. “Don’t women usually wait till they’re twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?”

“It’s older than Edward.”

“Technically. Just by one little year, though.”

I sighed. Technically she was right. I had stopped aging at seventeen, nearly a hundred years ago. My adoptive father, Carlisle, found me then, dying from the Spanish Influenza. Both of my parents had already died and I was alone. He had been alone for nearly three hundred years and had decided that, since he could not find a companion, he would create one instead.

My seventeen human years were foggy to me, seen as if through a thick haze. My first clear memory was of the burning pain of my transformation. Vampire venom is not something that is easily forgotten. After the fires died, I began my new… life… as a vampire.

He soon increased our family's size when he changed first Esme, his wife, and then Rosalie and later Emmett, my adoptive sister and brother. Alice and Jasper found us a few years later. Our family had been complete for decades, three couples, perfectly matched and in love – and then me. I loved my family fiercely. Our bonds to each other were strong, but it was not the same for me as it was for them. They loved one another and they loved me, but they also had their mates.

I was alone.

Until the day half a year ago when a new human girl moved into town. The first time I had met her eyes from across the crowded lunch room, I had been shocked to find myself unable to read her mind. Carlisle had discovered early on that, along with the speed, strength, and enhanced senses being a vampire brings, I had another gift – although it often seemed more of a curse. Hearing people's thoughts was unpleasant. It was useful, though, as it allowed me to monitor the humans around us for any suspicions regarding our nature. But from Bella, I heard only silence.

The surprise of her silent mind paled, however, when compared to my reaction the first time I smelled her.

My family was unusual in many ways: our intense love for each other, our family's size – most vampires lived alone or with their chosen mates – but also in our diet. Unlike others of our kind, we chose not to drink human blood. We lived on the blood of animals. We laughed as we called ourselves vegetarians. Human blood was so much more potent than animal blood was, though, and our lifestyle was a constant struggle. The pain we experienced living among humans and smelling them constantly was a small price to pay for us to hold on to the shreds of our humanity. Yet never, in almost a hundred years as a vampire, had I smelled blood as sweet as Bella Swan's.

There had been a time when I gave in to my vampire nature and hunted humans. I could remember all too well how powerful drinking the blood of a human was. Although I had limited myself to those I considered as monstrous as I was – I killed only other killers – when I looked into the mirror and saw my crimson eyes, I knew that this made me no less of a monster. It wasn't long before I recommitted myself to Carlisle and his vision.

That day, when I smelled Bella Swan for the first time, I nearly ruined the decades of sacrifice and self-denial. Her scent was overpowering, devastating, a siren's call, impossible to resist. Yet resist I had. Not just once, but again and again. I found myself drawn to her, to her scent, to her mystery, and to her silent mind. I discovered how truly good she was, self-sacrificing and generous, gentle and graceful – despite her tendency to trip over her own feet. The more time I spent around her, the more tied to her I became. Now, I was hers completely, bound to her life for the rest of my existence.

Incomprehensibly, amazingly, she loved me, too. I was a soulless monster, a vampire, a killer. Yet somehow, she saw in me a being worthy of her love. Although it baffled me, I was grateful and treasured every smile she gave me, every time I made her laugh, every touch she graced me with, every kiss we shared. The only dark spot on our relationship was that as intensely as I treasured her humanity, it seemed of little worth to her. She thought she wanted to become a vampire. I resisted this fiercely. No matter how she pleaded with me, I fought just as hard to keep her alive, to keep her human.

“What time will you be at the house?” Alice asked Bella, sidestepping the tricky conversation.

“I didn’t know I had plans to be there.”

“Oh, be fair, Bella!” Alice said loudly. “You aren’t going to ruin all our fun like that are you?” _Edward! She_ has _to come to the party! Please, talk some sense into her._

“I thought my birthday was about what _I_ want.” Bella grumped.

“I’ll get her from Charlie’s right after school,” I promised Alice.

“I have to work,” Bella protested.

“You don’t, actually,” Alice said smugly. “I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She’s trading your shifts. She said to tell you ‘Happy birthday’.”

Determined to find some excuse to avoid Alice’s party, Bella stammered, “I – I still can’t come over. I, well, I haven’t watched _Romeo and Juliet_ yet for English.”

“You have _Romeo and Juliet_ memorized,” Alice said with an indignant snort.

“But Mr. Berty said we needed to see it performed to fully appreciate it – that’s how Shakespeare intended it to be presented.” I rolled my eyes at this.

“You’ve already seen the movie,” Alice reminded her.

“But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best.”

At last Alice lost her composure and glared at Bella. “This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other – ”

“Relax, Alice,” I interrupted. “If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It’s her birthday.”

“So there.” Bella beamed, victorious.

“I’ll bring her over around seven,” I continued. “That will give you more time to set up.”

This brought the smile back to Alice’s pixie face and she laughed. _Yay!_ “Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It’ll be fun, you’ll see.” _Thanks, Edward!_ She darted in to peck Bella on the cheek and danced off to class, rethinking her plans for the evening, now that she had extra time to set things up. She loved Bella nearly as much as I did and was never afraid to show it.

Bella turned to me with an agonized look. “Edward, please – ”

I stopped her by pressing a finger to her lips. “Let’s discuss this later. We’re going to be late for class.”

Last year Bella and I had only had one class together. Unable to bear the separation and unwilling to have to listen to the petty minds of the humans around her in order to watch her through their eyes, I had used all of my charm to convince Ms. Cope to schedule Bella and I for almost all the same classes this year. I wouldn’t have to resort to eavesdropping on her through the eyes of others. After having to listen to Mike Newton’s vulgar fantasies about Bella last year, the boy was lucky to still be alive. Now I could watch her myself; indeed, I rarely took my eyes off of her. I could see her plotting all day, trying to figure out a way to get out of having to go to the party tonight.

Before Bella had entered my life, my family and I had kept to ourselves. Though we were beautiful to them, the humans avoided and ostracized us. Well, most humans did, Bella being the exception. While we wanted to be around humans, we never really felt part of their world. We preferred it that way – it was safer for the humans not to get too close to us – but it still made us unhappy. We tried to act human, but we weren’t, and they could tell. They may not have _known_ they could tell, but their instincts knew. We were dangerous. We were predators and they were our prey. At any point, our control might falter and we could kill them. We didn’t look like they did, with our pale, icy skin, our toothy smiles, and our strange shifting eyes. Being around teenagers who were going through all of the changes puberty brought made our lack of any changes seem off to them.

Bella had changed all of that. Now, at lunch, Alice and I sat with Bella and her friends, ignoring the tension that divided the table – the humans from the vampires. I listened to their banter and tried to ignore the false smiles and snide internal monologue of Jessica Stanley, just as I tried to ignore the bitter thoughts Mike Newton directed at me. His fantasies involving Bella were harder to ignore, though, and I found myself glaring at him, feeling a low growl in my throat. The fantasies stopped when he caught my glare. He looked away, a sudden sweat appearing on his forehead as he paled.

_…if looks could kill… ugh, Cullen is such a freak… what does she see in him?…he’s so creepy…_

I chuckled and went back to watching Bella.

When the school day finally ended, I walked Bella to her truck and held open her passenger door. I was planning on driving her home, giving her no opportunities to escape. She folded her arms, refusing to get into the truck.

“It’s my birthday, don’t I get to drive?”

Her ancient truck was slow enough as it was. I was used to driving vehicles that reached speeds more appropriate to the autobahn than small town streets and her even slower driving was agonizing.

“I’m pretending it’s not your birthday, just as you wished.”

“If it’s not my birthday, then I don’t have to go to your house tonight…” she said slyly.

 _Fine, then_.

“Alright.” I shut the passenger door and walked to the driver’s side to hold that door open for her instead. “Happy birthday.”

“Shh,” she shushed me again as she climbed in.

I turned on the radio and played with the dials, trying to get even one station to come in clearly. I shook my head saying, “Your radio has horrible reception.” _But not for long,_ I thought happily, knowing what my brothers had planned.

She frowned at me and defended her truck. “You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car.” I couldn’t help feeling delight at her sour mood and tried not to smile.

When she – finally – parked in front of her father’s house, I reached for her. Although I had spent nearly every minute of the day with her, I hadn’t kissed her yet, and the desire to do so was growing unbearable.

Touching her face gently, I leaned toward her and whispered, “You should be in a good mood, today of all days.” I heard her breath catch and her heart race.

“And if I don’t want to be in a good mood?”

“Too bad,” I said, my need for her burning in my eyes. Unable to resist one second longer, I pressed my stone lips to her warm, soft mouth. I could feel her anger melt and it was not long before she returned my kiss with feeling. Perhaps a little too much feeling. She leaned into me and wrapped her arms around me. The fire burned in my throat, making me ache as I pulled her arms away from me. As much as I wanted to kiss her and have her kiss me back, I knew how easily having my lips on her could turn into something other than a kiss. Something deadly.

“Be good, please,” I begged. I gently brushed my lips against hers once more and then folded her arms across her stomach, firmly placing her away from me. I could hear her heart hammering, her breath coming in fast gasps as she struggled to control herself.

“Do you think I’ll ever get better at this? That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?”

“I really hope not.”

I delighted in her reactions, as much as they made me fear my own reactions to her. The fact that I could make her heart race thrilled me and I knew that if my heart was not a dead thing in my chest, that it would be racing, too.

 “Let’s go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?” she asked, rolling her eyes at me.

“Your wish, my command.” I did wish she could have chosen some other way to spend the afternoon. Trying not to dwell on that, I wrapped her up in my embrace while we reclined on the couch. Knowing my skin was cold and not wanting her to be chilly, I threw an old afghan around her to keep her warm while she fast-forwarded through the opening credits.

“You know, I’ve never had much patience with Romeo,” I couldn’t help saying.

“What’s wrong with Romeo?” she asked, sounding surprised.

“Well, first of all, he’s in love with this Rosaline – don’t you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet’s cousin. That’s not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?” I commented disapprovingly.

She sighed, “Do you want me to watch this alone?”

I decided to ignore the movie and concentrate on her. “No, I’ll mostly be watching you, anyway.” I lightly ran my fingers along her arm, watching her skin raise goose bumps at my touch. “Will you cry?” I tried not to smirk.

“Probably, if I’m paying attention.”

 _Hmm. Maybe this will be fun after all_.

“I won’t distract you, then,” I lied, pressing my lips into her hair.

As the play progressed, I started to whisper Romeo’s lines into Bella’s ear. “Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs; being purged, a fire sparkling in lover’s eyes; being vex’d a sea nourish’d with lover’s tears. What is it else? A madness most discreet, a choking gall and a preserving sweet.”  She shivered, her breathing quickening.

I played with her hair loving how the silk felt against my skin. Her hair was long, thick, and dark, and smelled lightly of strawberries. I moved my face close to her neck, tracing the lines of her jaw with my nose. Breathing in the scent of her skin, I moved back to her ear and whispered, “If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.” I pressed my lips against the soft spot under her ear, feeling her pulse race beneath my touch.

Eventually watching Romeo end his life, unwilling to live without Juliet by his side, I began to understand his point of view. I heard Bella sniffle and chuckled, drying her tears with a lock of her hair.

“I’ll admit, I do sort of envy him here.”

“She’s very pretty.”

 _Pretty? Ugh._ “I don’t envy him the _girl_ – just the ease of the suicide. You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…”

“What?” she gasped. Hearing her heart rate increase, I realized I had upset her and tried to explain.

“It’s something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle’s experience that it wouldn’t be simple. I’m not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning… after he realized what he’d become…” Realizing how brooding I sounded, I tried to lighten my tone. “And he’s clearly still in excellent health.”

She twisted around to face me. “What are you talking about?” she demanded. Her face was fierce, her eyes wide. “What do you mean, this is something you had to think about once?”

I remembered all too clearly the panic I’d felt as I raced to find her. The terror that filled me at seeing her lying on the floor, broken and bleeding. The despair – and the ecstasy – I’d felt as I tried to suck the vampire venom out of her veins from the bite that James – one of three nomads we had run across – had inflicted upon her, certain that I would be unable to stop… that I would end up killing her myself.

“Last spring, when you were… nearly killed…” I stopped and took a ragged breath, trying to collect myself. “Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it’s not as easy for me as it is for a human.”

I saw her trace the silvery scar on her hand. She frowned and shook her head. James had decided to hunt my Bella, tricking us all along the way. He had tricked me by making me think I was leading him away from her when really he was assuring that I was out of the way, unable to interfere. He had tricked Bella into believing that he had her mother, forcing her to sacrifice herself to save Renée. It was only due to Alice that I was able to find her in time to stop James from killing her. I felt a moment of satisfaction knowing that he was dead, only wishing that I could have been the one to rip him to pieces instead of allowing my brothers that pleasure. But Bella had needed me.

“Contingency plans?” she pressed.

“Well, I wasn’t going to live without you,” I rolled my eyes at her, “but I wasn’t sure how to _do_ it – I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi.” I saw again the fire that burned James into ashes, smelled the vile, icy stench of the smoke that rose from his body. I knew I would be unable to simply throw myself into a fire, but the Volturi would not let me live if I threatened their secret.

“What is a _Volturi?”_ she said in a hard voice.

I thought about Carlisle’s memories of the time he had spent with them and tried to explain. “The Volturi are a family. A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America – do you remember the story?”

“Of course I remember.” The first time I had taken her to my house, to meet my family, I had shown her the pictures in Carlisle’s office, and told her of his early life in Europe. I had shown her the painting of Carlisle, Aro, Caius, and Marcus. It was a vivid painting, I had been sure she would remember it.

“Anyway, you don’t irritate the Volturi, not unless you want to die – or whatever it is we do.”

Carlisle and I had spent countless nights arguing theology and spirituality. He was convinced there was more to this life. That, even though we were not truly alive, neither were we truly dead. He tried to convince me that our lives served some higher purpose, even though we were vampires, damned creatures according to all the old stories. He believed how you lived your life determined your afterlife.

I argued back. We were _dead_. This was as much of an afterlife as we were going to get. If ever our bodies were destroyed, we would cease to exist, or worse, perhaps our consciousness would live on in our ashes, a true Hell in itself. But Heaven? I shook my head. That was no longer obtainable.

Bella took my face in her warm hands and made me meet her eyes. I saw the horror in them and immediately regretted my words.

“You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!” she said fiercely. “No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed_ to hurt yourself!”

Trying to reassure her, I spoke calmly. “I’ll never put you in danger again, so it’s a moot point.”

“ _Put_ me in danger! I thought we’d established that all the bad luck is my fault? How dare you even think like that?” She was angry now and I felt guilty. I’d tried so hard not to fight with her over the birthday party and now my words had angered her far more than any silly party ever would. But now I was morbidly curious. She _had_ to go on living if I was dead. Humans were able to heal after all, but would she _want_ to?

“What would you do, if the situation were reversed?”

“That’s not the same thing.”

I laughed, my point made.

“What if something did happen to you?” her face paled. “Would you want me to go _off_ myself?”

I felt my face contort in pain at the thought of a world where Bella did not exist. No. I couldn’t allow that. Would she feel the same pain at my loss as I would feel at hers? How could she? Her frail human form could not possibly contain the power of the love that I felt for her. I wanted to believe that she would move on, marry, have kids… I felt a new pain knowing that I was preventing her from living her life by being with her. But I could not live without her, and for some reason, she wanted to be with me.

“I guess I see your point… a little. But what would I do without you?” I asked.

“Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence.”

 _Complicated? My life had been empty before I met Bella. Just go back to the emptiness? Impossible._ I sighed, “You make that sound so easy.”

“It should be. I’m not really that interesting.” Her mouth turned down at the corners. How could she think that? I found her endlessly fascinating. I decided not to argue with her anymore, though.

“Moot point.” Suddenly, Charlie’s thoughts intruded on my mind and I realized how inappropriate we would look to him, under a blanket cuddled up together. I pulled away from her with difficulty, shifting her so she sat beside me in a much less compromising position, scooting over so that we weren’t even touching, despite the ache I felt at her absence.

“Charlie?” she always was so perceptive. I smiled.

She reached for me and firmly took my hand in hers, as unwilling as I was to be separated so completely.

Charlie came in with a pizza box in his hands.

“Hey, kids,” he said with a smile at Bella. “I thought you’d like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?”

“Sure. Thanks, Dad.”

As usual, I did not join them for dinner. Bella didn’t expect me to keep up appearances to the point of forcing me to eat human food for her father, for which I was grateful.

When they were finished eating, I asked permission of Charlie to take Bella out for the evening. I could hear his anticipation over a ball game and he was fretting over having me there, being forced to pretend to enjoy my company for his daughter’s sake. Bella looked hopeful that he would refuse and I had to hide my grin.

“That’s fine – the Mariners are playing the Sox tonight, so I won’t be any kind of company… Here.” He tossed the camera to Bella, but it glanced off her fingers. Moving a little too quickly, I grabbed it before it could hit the floor, stifling my annoyance at Charlie.

“Nice save,” Charlie commented. “If they’re doing something fun at the Cullen’s tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how your mother gets – she’ll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them.”

“Good idea, Charlie,” I said and handed the camera to Bella. She immediately snapped one of me while I laughed at her.

“It works,” she said.

“That’s good. Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn’t been over in a while,” Charlie grimaced. He and Alice had become friends during Bella’s recovery from James’s attack, saving him from having to deal with the daily hygiene needs of his teenage daughter.

“It’s been three days, Dad,” Bella said, rolling her eyes. “I’ll tell her.”

“Okay. You kids have fun tonight,” he said as he edged toward the livingroom.

I grinned broadly at her in triumph as I grabbed her hand and pulled her to the truck. I didn’t offer to let her drive this time, knowing how difficult finding the turn off for my house would be for her. Glad I didn’t have to endure her speeds, I tried to push the old truck at least a little faster.

“Take it easy.” She was so overprotective of her ancient truck.

“You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…” Thanks to my psychic sister and Carlisle’s years as a doctor, not to mention my own inheritance, we had plenty of money. I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t let me spend some of it on her. It wasn’t like it was doing me any good in the bank account.

“There’s nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what’s good for you, you didn’t spend any money on birthday presents.”

“Not a dime.” I couldn’t wait for her to see what I _did_ get her.

“Good.”

I thought of Alice and my family’s excitement over the upcoming party. Suddenly worried, I begged her, “Can you do me a favor?”

“That depends on what it is,” she said, eyeing me warily.

I sighed. “Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don’t be too difficult tonight. They’re all very excited.”

The look of surprise on her face was adorable. Then she grimaced. “Fine. I’ll behave.”

“I should probably warn you…” I glanced at her, wondering how she would take this news, but knowing it was better that she be prepared.

“Please do.”

“When I say they’re all excited… I do mean _all_ of them.”

“Everyone?” she choked. “I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa.”

“Emmett wanted to be here.” During the horror of dealing with James, Emmett had developed a real big brother fondness for Bella. In fact, the only one of my family who didn’t adore her was Rosalie, but that was Rosalie’s problem, not Bella’s. While Rosalie didn’t desire me for herself, the fact that I didn’t desire _her_ had always bothered her. Though it wasn’t until I fell in love with Bella that she had let that secret slip. The absolute acceptance of the rest of the family for Bella, especially how enthusiastically her Emmett approved of Bella, bothered her as well. Rosalie was jealous of Bella, and that emotion manifested as dislike.

“But… Rosalie?” Bella worried, knowing how Rose felt about her even if she didn’t understand why.

“I know, Bella. Don’t worry, she’ll be on her best behavior.” I decided to change the subject. “So, if you won’t let me get you the Audi, isn’t there anything you’d like for your birthday?”

She whispered, “You know what I want.”

I frowned. Again? Hadn’t we already had this argument today? Why did she have to keep bringing it up?

“Not tonight, Bella. Please.”

She persisted, “Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.”

Alice was convinced that Bella would be a vampire someday. Her visions of the future were imperfect and changing, but this one, the vision of Bella pale and cold with crimson eyes, was firm in her mind. I was determined to change that future, but so far, all I had managed to do was to delay it.

I growled furiously, “This isn’t going to be your last birthday, Bella.”

“That’s not fair!” She was so determined to end her life. Couldn’t she just enjoy it? With me? I clenched my teeth and vowed that she would live a long and happy life if it was the last thing I did.

As we pulled up to the house, we could see the decorations Alice had set up. Strings of Japanese lanterns hung from the porch and bowls of pink roses lined the wide stairs up to the front doors.

I could hear my family gather in the front room, ready to welcome Bella. I tried to calm myself. Entering the party angry would not make anyone happy. I heard her moan.

“This is a party. Try to be a good sport.”

“Sure,” she muttered. I flashed around the car to open her door and offered her my hand. She took it, her expression thoughtful. “I have a question.”

I eyed her warily. What could she possibly want to know now? I waited for her to continue as she toyed with her camera.

“If I develop this film, will you show up in the picture?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. She really was so silly sometimes. Grateful that she had found a way to lighten the mood, I pulled her from the truck and up the stairs. I was still chuckling at her when I opened the door.

“Happy birthday, Bella!” everyone called when we walked in. I watched the blood swirl under her skin as Bella’s easy blush colored her face. Alice had been busy, filling the house with the scent of roses. There must have been several hundred of the flowers in the livingroom alone. Candles burned merrily from every surface, adding their own rose scent, mixed with the faint scents of sulfur from the fire and melting wax. Next to the pink cake was a small pile of packages, wrapped in the same silver paper as the box Alice had tried to give her that morning.

 _Yay! You’re finally here!_ Alice’s thoughts sang. _What_ took _you so long?_

I just shook my head at her and wrapped my arms around Bella, kissing the top of her head.

Esme reached for Bella and hugged her carefully. _We’re so glad you’re here, Edward. Alice was about to run to Charlie’s house and drag you both here!_

Carlisle put his arm around Bella’s shoulders and whispered loudly, “Sorry about this, Bella. We couldn’t rein Alice in.” _As if that were even possible._

“You haven’t changed at all,” Emmett said with mock disappointment. “I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always.” _Edward, I know how much you enjoy hunting mountain lions, but you have to try chasing a cheetah! Almost as much fun as wrestling a grizzly bear. Hah!_

“Thanks a lot, Emmett,” I could feel the heat radiating off of her body as Bella’s blush deepened.

“I have to step out for a second,” Emmett winked at Alice, “Don’t do anything funny while I’m gone.”

“I’ll try.” Bella grimaced, embarrassed.

Rosalie was doing her best to behave, as I had promised Bella. Even her thoughts were less venomous than usual. I had a feeling Esme had spoken to her sharply.

“Time to open presents!” Alice announced, skipping across the room. I saw Jasper smiling at Bella, but he stayed where he was. _Have fun watching the movie, Romeo?_ he taunted me.

When I had first brought Bella to meet my family, I had been worried about Jasper’s lack of control. His previous lifestyle made it difficult for him to conform to our feeding habits. This worry subsided quickly, largely because whenever he was around us, he ignored Bella, spending most of his energy silently mocking me. While he leaned against the wall, he quoted parts of various Shakespeare  love scenes at me, substituting the characters’ names with mine and Bella’s. I threw him a dark look, but he just raised his eyebrows and tried not to laugh.

Alice steered Bella over to the table filled with cake and presents.

Bella protested, “Alice, I know I told you I didn’t want anything – ”

“But I didn’t listen,” Alice interrupted, smugly. “Open it.” She took the camera from Bella’s hands and replaced it with a large silver wrapped box from Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper. Blushing again, Bella tore off the paper and stared at the box blankly, apparently unable to decipher the numbers and letters on the box into a meaningful name. She opened it, looking for a clue as to what it was supposed to be, but the box was empty. I did my best to control my laughter.

“Um… thanks.”

Jasper laughed and even Rosalie smiled. “It’s a stereo for your truck,” Jasper explained. “Emmett’s installing it right now so that you can’t return it.”

“Thanks Jasper, Rosalie,” she told them smiling. “Thanks, Emmett!” she called, knowing he would hear her. Emmett’s laugh echoed up from her truck.

 _See? I told you she’d have fun!_ Alice scolded me. Someday I’d learn to stop doubting her.

I grinned with anticipation as Alice handed her the box from this morning. “Open mine and Edward’s next.” Alice’s excited voice was a high pitched trill.

Bella glared at me furiously. “You promised.”

I opened my mouth to answer as Emmett bounded back in.”Just in time!” He knew what was in the box and how excited I was. Emmett crowded in behind Jasper, who had come in closer to watch Bella’s reaction. Jasper could feel her happiness and mine and was drawn to it.

My eyes alight with anticipation, I brushed a strand of hair from her face. “I didn’t spend a dime,” I assured her. I heard her heart stutter at my touch and tried to control my nerves.

She took a deep breath and held her hand out to Alice. “Give it to me,” she said with a sigh.

She rolled her eyes at me, stuck her finger under the edge of the paper and jerked it under the tape. Her powerful scent suddenly filled the room. “Shoot.” She muttered examining the tiny paper cut. A single drop of blood oozed from the tiny cut.

I heard Jasper’s sharp intake of breath and saw him crouch in preparation to spring at Bella.

“No!” I yelled throwing myself at Bella. I knew as I touched her that it was with too much force and I heard the table crack as she hit it and Bella, the table, cake, flowers, and her presents tumbled to the floor. The bowl full of flowers shattered as Bella landed in the middle of the pile.

I had no time to go to her as Jasper hurled himself at Bella. I caught him, the sound of our bodies crashing together was louder than the sounds of the breaking glass and splintering furniture. Unable to control himself with the scent of Bella’s potent blood clouding his thinking, he growled at me, snapping his teeth together.

Emmett came to my assistance, grabbing Jasper from behind. Jasper continued to fight against Emmett, straining to get to Bella, never taking his eyes off of her. I looked frantically at Bella and saw that she had much more than a paper cut to worry about now. In my rush to keep her away from Jasper, I had made the situation far worse. Blood streamed down her arm as she struggled to sit up amidst the sharp pieces of broken glass. It was a deep red, flowing thickly down her arm, overpowering the scent of roses in the room. The monster within me looked at Bella and strained against my control with the burning need to taste her again. Without thinking, I immediately stopped breathing, trying to contain my sudden, intense thirst. I looked back to my family, and saw the blood lust in every one of their thirsty eyes.


	3. Stitches

**Stitches**

“Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside.” Carlisle spoke quietly, but I could hear the stress in his voice.

Emmett nodded, “Come on, Jasper.” Emmett dragged Jasper out of the house, his wild eyes still fixed on Bella.

I broke out of my shock and turned to protect Bella, crouching over her and growling low in my throat. Rosalie was staring at me, the tone of her thoughts a pleased purr. _Yes, Edward. Let’s bring_ all _of our human friends over next time. Maybe they can stay for dinner._ Her snide comments continued as she helped Emmett wrestle Jasper outside.

Esme held the door open for them, holding her hand over her mouth and nose. “I’m so sorry, Bella.” _Sorry, Edward._ She followed them into the yard, her expression embarrassed and ashamed.

“Let me by, Edward,” Carlisle told me. _You know I won’t hurt her._

I nodded slowly and tried to relax as Carlisle examined her arm. I couldn’t look at Bella, didn’t want to see the expression on her face. I could hear her heart racing and knew that if I looked into her eyes, I would see the fear in them. Worse, I was sure I would see anger there, directed at me. If I hadn’t overreacted and thrown her into the table… I should have thrown myself at Jasper, not Bella, but the instinct to get her out of the way had been overpowering.

Alice came back into the room, holding a towel. “Here, Carlisle.”

He shook his head. “Too much glass in the wound.” He ripped a thin strip off of the tablecloth and tied it around her arm as a tourniquet. “Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?”

“Here, please,” she whispered.

“I’ll get your bag,” Alice said and was gone from the room in a flash. Like me, she was holding her breath.

“Let’s take her to the kitchen table,” Carlisle said. I lifted her tenderly, still holding my breath, my jaw clenched as I fought against the flame her blood ignited in my throat. Carlisle kept the pressure on her arm to stem the flow of blood. “How are you doing, Bella?” He asked her.

“I’m fine.” I knew how she hated to admit weakness. I was sure her answer would have been “fine” no matter how she really felt. I kept my face averted from her, trying not to let her see the guilt I felt at hurting her. Despite the fact that I swore not to put her in danger, I was the cause of her pain again and again. I knew she would downplay this, try to take the blame upon herself like she always did.

Alice already had Carlisle’s bag set on the table and a bright work lamp in place. I placed Bella in a chair and backed away, hovering behind Carlisle as he worked. I wished I could hold her hand, could kiss her hurt away without the danger that the kiss would turn deadly. I had tasted her blood once already and was sure I would be unable to force myself to stop on this night. So I stood motionless, not breathing, a useless statue.

“Just go, Edward,” Bella said, knowing the pain I was in.

“I can handle it,” I insisted, but I wasn’t sure that I could. I clenched my teeth and tried not to remember.

“You don’t need to be a hero,” she insisted. “Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air.”

“I’ll stay,” I said stubbornly.

“Why are you so masochistic?”

I couldn’t do anything else, couldn’t help Carlisle stitch her up, couldn’t touch her or offer comfort at all. Couldn’t I at least offer her my presence? Or did she not want me near her right now?

Carlisle spoke up. “Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I’m sure he’s upset with himself, and I doubt he’ll listen to anyone but you right now.”

“Yes. Go find Jasper,” Bella agreed.

“You might as well do something useful,” Alice chimed in.

I narrowed my eyes at them. I didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t argue. I was out of air and didn’t dare breathe.

_Edward, you don’t need to be here, but Jasper does need you right now. You know how difficult our life is for him still and he will surely blame himself. Please, go comfort him._ Alice begged me.

Surrendering to the inevitable, I nodded and took off. I hit the ground running fast, picking up Jasper’s scent. I followed him through the forest. He’d run for miles already and I increased my speed, trying to catch up with him. Finally I found him hunched on a rock overlooking the river. One thought repeating in his head.

_I could have killed her. I_ almost _killed her. I could have killed her…_

I sat down beside him with a sigh. “It’s not your fault, Jasper.”

He made a disgusted noise in his throat.

“No,” I insisted. “The fault is mine.”

“ _You_ aren’t the one who tried to kill her, Edward.”

“But _I_ _am_ the one who brought her here.” I turned to face him and spoke fervently, “You can’t help what you are Jasper. You spent many years living on the blood of humans and I know, believe me, I know how strong her blood is.” Although Bella’s blood was especially potent to me, none of my family could deny her appeal. “You didn’t attack her on purpose. I’ve known all along how dangerous being in my life was for her. I tried to resist – I tried to leave, tried to push her away – but I loved her too much…”

I thought back to that first day, to the reaction I had had that first time I smelled her. The monster within me had come so close that day to having the blood I had been denying him for so long. I’d fought against my nature, fought against my monster for decades, but never before had the struggle been that difficult. No other human had ever come close to affecting me the way she had, the way she still did. Although they all smelled good to me – their blood a rich pulsing that I could hear and smell flowing through their veins – none of them had half the appeal for me as she did.

 My monster struggled against my control, forcing the memory of her taste into my head. Her blood had been _right there_ , exposed and spilling onto the carpet, wasted. I shivered at the memory. Stupidly, I inhaled and could still smell her, taste her scent on my tongue. I felt my fingers convulse, gripping the rock, holding me in place. The stone was no match for my fingers and I felt it crumble under my hands.

Again and again I forced the memory of her scent away, but it crept back, intruding into my mind.

_… not that far to run… I’m fast, too… could be there before he’d catch me… Carlisle would be no match for me… have her before anyone could stop me…_

“Damn it, Jasper!” I groaned, “Stop, please!” I realized the reason her scent kept being forced upon me was not just my monster, but Jasper’s as well.

“Sorry,” he whispered. I could hear his breaths, shallow and fast. To my relief, he stopped leaking his desire for her, slowly mastering his need to drink the human that smelled better to all of them, not just me, than any other human they’d ever met.

As the minutes passed, my mind cleared and it was easier to resist the driving need to run back to the house and give in to my thirst. When I got back, though… what would happen then? Would I be able to resist once I could hear her heart pushing the blood through her system? Despite the stitches holding her torn skin together, the bandages were bound to soak up her blood. Could I resist my need to bite her, to taste her again? And if I did not, would I be able to stop this time? _Next_ time?? There was no way I could expect her to never injure herself again. This _would_ happen again.

I shivered again, and as I did, I wasn’t sure if it was in longing or in dread.

I could see how my very presence endangered her life. Even if I had kept her away from my family, at any moment I could lose control of my iron will. I wouldn’t even have to drink her blood to kill her, as tonight’s fiasco proved. An overenthusiastic hug could snap her spine. Or a not-so-gentle caress could crush her skull. Or I could shove her into a table full of glass while trying to protect her from a blood crazed vampire… Even if it was not one of my family, our vampire friends would visit us on occasion and our presence drew curious nomads to us.

Disaster had been averted this time, but what about the next time?

I had been the one positioned over her life by fate as her intended killer. I had resisted killing her that first day and so fate had tried to accomplish the job by sending a van to crush her – which I stopped, exposing my speed and strength to her in the process. I refused to answer her questions about me, but resourceful as always, she figured out what I was on her own. Just knowing about our existence put her life in danger. If the Volturi were to ever find out that she knew, they would punish us both. Then fate sent a gang of men who intended to rape and murder her – again prevented by me. I had seen in their minds what they planned to do and rescued her from that horrible death. In the process, I had exposed my ability to read minds as well as my own feelings for her.

Then, unforgivably, I allowed myself to develop my relationship with her, and by giving in to my desire to be near her I put her life in danger every time I kissed her. No, every time I _smelled_ her. Next, James and his sadistic hunt which ended in broken ribs, a broken leg, a cracked skull, a vampire bite, and almost being sucked dry by me in my attempt to save her from James’s venom.

Now, I threw her across the room, trying to save her from my own brother when she gave herself a paper cut. I was a curse on her life. My existence doomed her. Even if I managed _not_ to kill her, even if I continued to keep her alive from whatever future disasters fate had in store for her, what kind of life would she lead? How would she feel when her boyfriend looked more like her son, her _grandson_? When I looked like the child she could never have, because, of all the things I could buy her, I could never give her a family. Or a future. I could only give her death.

She said our love was enough, but she was only eighteen. She couldn’t possibly know what she would want as she got older. When my chaste kisses could no longer satisfy her human needs, she was sure to want more from me than I could safely give her. As strong and pure as our love was, it could never be more than this.

I would love her for the rest of her life, for the rest of my existence, and my love for her would never fade. But I could never be worthy of her love.

I could never give her a life, except by removing myself from hers.

Fear flooded through me, then, as I knew what I had to do. As I had known from the very first day when I fled to Denali after school. As I had known all along what the right thing to do was and resisted, giving in to my selfish need for her. I had lingered, putting her in danger by allowing this love for her to grow, by allowing her to love me in return.

My frozen heart twisted and I groaned as I wrapped my arms across my chest, already feeling the ache of her absence. I sat on the rock beside Jasper and tried to gather the strength to do what I knew was right. I tried to ignore the shattering of my cold, dead heart as it broke at the thought of leaving her.

I could not leave.

I could not stay.

I had no choice. I would hurt her by leaving. I would kill her by staying.

My feelings for her would never change, but she was a human. Humans healed. She would get over my unhealthy love for her and move on to someone warm and human, someone who could give her a future and a family. Things I could never do, could never be. She would forget me in time, I was sure. I remembered my human life imperfectly, but I knew that human memories faded with time. My memories would remain clear and sharp – cuttingly sharp – for the rest of my existence. But my pain was a small price to pay if it bought her safety.

I brought back to mind every kiss we ever shared, every touch she graced me with, every smile she gave me, every kind word she spoke, and I remembered with desperate longing the sound of her voice every time she spoke the four words I loved to hear most. _I love you, Edward._

I rose from the rock and faced back home. “Come on, Jasper. Come back home with me. Please.” My voice was flat, unemotional.

He slowly stood beside me and looked warily into my eyes. Like Alice and I, Jasper had an extra gift. He could feel and influence the emotions of those around him. I was sure he had felt my shifting emotions as I grappled with what I wanted – what I _needed_ – and what I knew was right. He surely felt the despair radiating from me now.

“Edward – ” he shook his head. _Don’t. Whatever it is you’re thinking right now, don’t._

I whispered. “She’ll be better off without me. I have no choice; I have to go.”

“No,” he said, his eyes widening as he took in my meaning. _Alice… Alice and I will go. We could join Rosalie and Emmett when they go back to Africa, or…_

“No, Jasper. You leaving is not the answer. Not the only answer. _I_ am the one putting her life in danger, not you. I can’t allow you to suffer for my mistakes.”

“You’re not going to kill her Edward,” he protested. “You love her. You’ve got more control than even Carlisle and – ”

“Carlisle doesn’t crave her blood! Not like I do. As for control,” I scoffed, ashamed of myself, “it would only take a second, the slightest lapse for me to hurt her. Look at what I did tonight! That I haven’t killed her yet is nothing short of a miracle. I can’t – I won’t be the cause of her death.” I shook my head, my mind filled with the horrible images of Bella’s future Alice had seen. Even now, the two possibilities were firm in her mind. Bella would become a vampire, or Bella would die. Either way, I would kill her. Her death was certain as long as I stayed.

He shook his head and opened his mouth to argue again, but this time I was the one who ran away. I fled from his words, his attempt to break my fragile resolve, and ran back toward the house to try to fix the mess I had made. I was sure Carlisle would be done by now and Bella would be clean and bandaged and ready to go home.

I slowed as I neared the house and picked up the end of Carlisle’s conversation with Bella. He had been telling her my history, how he had found me and made me a vampire.

“I looked at Edward,” I heard him say to her. “Sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pure and good about his face. The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have.” My face twisted at this. How I wished I could have been what he believed me to be.

“After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim. I wheeled his mother to the morgue first, and then I came back for him. No one noticed that he was still breathing. There weren’t enough hands, enough eyes, to keep track of half of what the patients needed. The morgue was empty – of the living, at least. I stole him out the back door, and carried him across the rooftops back to my home.

“I wasn’t sure what had to be done. I settled for recreating the wounds I’d received myself, so many centuries earlier in London. I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary.

“I wasn’t sorry, though. I’ve never been sorry that I saved Edward.” I was standing on the porch at this point. I knew he would have heard my footsteps. “I suppose I should take you home now.” Unless you feel up to it?

Breathing carefully, I could smell fire and bleach, roses and cake, but those scents were a background to the smell of her blood. Thankfully, it had a slightly aged smell, no longer fresh and flowing, it was clotted and dried and not quite as powerful. I walked into the room, dreading every step. I knew what I had to do, but wasn't sure I had the strength. I shook my head and said, "I'll do that." I met her eyes warily, fearing what I would see there. She was covered in blood - the source of the remaining smell - and the remnants of the cake. Her eyes held only sadness. Holding myself rigid, I managed not to attack her.

“Carlisle can take me,” she said.

Selfishly, I needed to stretch out what time with her I had left. Unwilling to have her leave my side just yet, I lied, “I’m fine. You’ll need to change anyway. You’d give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I’ll have Alice get you something.” I couldn’t stand looking at the damage I’d done any longer and strode back out the kitchen door.

That didn’t prevent me from continuing to hear their conversation, though.

“He’s very upset,” she said softly.

“Yes. Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are.” Carlisle told her gently.

“It’s not his fault,” she argued.

“It’s not yours, either.”

I found Alice outside, with her arms around Jasper. “Alice,” I said in a low voice.

She turned to me with wide, sad eyes.

“Bella needs something to wear. Her shirt is…” My throat closed and I couldn’t continue. Alice’s eyes went blank as the future flashed through her mind. Our house empty, our family scattered, she searched for me over and over in her strange imperfect visions, but my absence was certain. I turned and walked back to the house. Alice hurried ahead, trying to hide her despair. She loved Bella like a sister and missed her already.

“C’mon,” she said to Bella. “I’ll get you something less macabre to wear.”

I waited by the front door and held it open as Bella came back downstairs wearing a clean shirt similar in cut and color to the one she had had on when she arrived. I knew Charlie would never know the difference.

_Wait!_ Alice cried. “Take your things!” she pressed the gifts and her camera into Bella’s good arm and tried to smile. “You can thank me later, when you’ve opened them.”

As I waited, Esme pleaded silently with me. _Edward, don’t blame yourself. It was an accident._

Carlisle, too, tried to reason with me. _Son, Bella will be fine. Accidents happen. It wasn’t your fault, Edward._

I looked away from them, my face set, incapable of speech. They didn’t understand at all! It wasn’t just that I had hurt her, though that was bad enough. I had wanted to kill her!The monster within me wanted to, still. I could feel Bella watching me, but I didn’t dare to look at her. Carlisle and Esme told Bella goodnight, but I knew that it would be more permanent than that.

Bella hurried to her car and I held the passenger door open for her. As I got in to the driver’s side, Bella was kicking a big red bow under her seat. We both ignored the stereo while I silently pushed the truck toward Bella’s home. I knew Bella was watching me, but I couldn’t look at her.

Unable to bear the silence any longer, Bella said in a low, pained voice, “Say something.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Tell me you forgive me.”

Fury. I knew she would try to blame herself. As if it was her fault for bleeding. As if she were to blame for my monstrosity.

“Forgive _you?_ For what?”

“If I’d been more careful, nothing would have happened.”

I gritted my teeth. “Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut – that hardly deserves the death penalty.”

“It’s still my fault.”

Unable to hold back any longer, I flung my words at her. “Your fault? If you’d cut yourself at Mike Newton’s house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends – ” I said the word normal scathingly, “ – the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn’t find you a bandage? If you’d tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own – without someone throwing you into them – even then, what’s the worst? You’d get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up – and he wouldn’t be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don’t try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself.”

I had held her human friends in such contempt. Mike’s generic boy life, with his interchangeable fantasies and his pathetic attempts at courting the various high school girls – including Bella, especially Bella – had long been a source of irritation to me. Lauren was nasty to everyone and her envious thoughts were often aimed at Bella. Jessica’s petty falseness as she smiled at Bella while suspecting everything she said and did made me want to keep Bella away from the lot of them. Although Angela’s kindness made me glad for her friendship with Bella, she had never been of much interest to me.

But their teenaged misdemeanors were nothing compared to what I did on a daily basis. It was those teenagers I’d held in such contempt who were worthy of Bella, not I. I was a monster. Hadn’t I proven it time and again? I had daydreamed of throwing Mike Newton across the room! I had imagined the sound his body would make as it hit the wall, the way his bones would feel as they snapped in my hands. Yet it was Bella, not Mike, who I had thrown… My teeth grinding, I pushed the gas pedal farther, trying to force the truck to hit sixty.

“How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?” she demanded.

“Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with.” I growled.

“I’d rather die than be with Mike Newton. I’d rather die than be with anyone but you.”

“Don’t be melodramatic, please.” Having her be with someone – anyone – other than me was exactly what I needed – and dreaded – her to be. Healthy. Safe. _Human_.

“Well then, don’t you be ridiculous.”

I had no answer to that. We didn’t speak again until I had parked the truck in front of her house. I gripped the steering wheel, trying not to snap it, but unable to let go.

“Will you stay tonight?” she asked quietly.

I was afraid if I stayed that I might never be able to leave. “I should go home.”

“For my birthday?” she pleaded.

_Oh, now she wants to celebrate. Sure._ “You can’t have it both ways – either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don’t. One or the other.” I tried to keep my voice stern, but my amusement leaked through.

“Okay. I’ve decided that I don’t want you to ignore my birthday. I’ll see you upstairs.”

She hopped out and reached for her packages. I frowned at her. She didn’t need to pretend anymore. “You don’t have to take those.”

“I want them.”

“No, you don’t. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you.” She had made her feelings on this point clear. Despite the fact that my family had ignored her wishes, we had been sure that she would appreciate the gifts once they were hers. But now, in the aftermath of the disastrous evening, I wanted to forget the whole party.

“I’ll live,” she insisted, tucking her presents under her uninjured arm and slamming the door.

I was at her side before she could turn around. “Let me carry them, at least.” I offered. She let me take them from her. “I’ll be in your room.”

“Thanks.” She smiled at me. Her smile melted my willpower, undid all of my resolve, and I was unable to help myself from leaning close to her.

“Happy birthday.” I gently pressed my hard, cold lips to her soft, warm ones, my dead heart aching. I had to force myself not to crush her body against mine as she stood on her toes to press herself even closer to me. Trying to seem cheerful for her, I gave her a half smile before I sprinted through the darkness up to her window and into her room. I climbed into the center of her bed to wait.

I could hear the game still playing downstairs as Charlie called out, “Bell?”

“Hey, Dad,” she responded.

“How was it?”

“Alice went overboard. Flowers, cake, candles, presents – the whole bit.” I laughed softly, shaking my head. _Alice_ , I thought fondly. How I wished the night had gone differently. My laughter died in my throat.

“What did they get you?”

“A stereo for my truck.” I was glad she got to open at least _one_ present, if only so she could have something to tell Charlie. _Gee, I don’t know, Dad. I almost got eaten by a blood-crazed vampire before I could open my gifts,_ would not have gone over well.

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Well, I’m calling it a night.”

“I’ll see you in the morning.”

“See ya.”

“What happened to your arm?” I cursed. Charlie was almost as observant as his daughter.

“I tripped. It’s nothing.”

“Bella,” Charlie sighed.

I could hear her running lightly up the stairs and into the bathroom. The water turned on and off several times before she finally opened her bedroom door. Her gifts were laid on the bed in front of me and I played with the ribbon that was tied onto my gift for her. I remembered my enthusiasm from this morning and could feel my chest tighten.

“Hi,” I said softly. She pushed the gifts aside and climbed into my lap. I wrapped my arms around her and inhaled her sweet scent. I loved the way her warm body fit so perfectly against mine, like she was crafted for me exactly. I wasn’t sure how I would ever be able to let her go.

“Hi,” she said back. “Can I open my presents now?”

For weeks she had insisted that she wanted nothing for her birthday. Now, it was like she couldn’t wait to open them.

“Where did the enthusiasm come from?”

“You made me curious.”

She picked up the gift from Carlisle and Esme first. I took it from her gently. “Allow me,” I said and tore the paper off, handing the box back to her.

“Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?” she asked. Okay, maybe I was overdoing it, but I couldn’t bear a repeat. I didn’t answer her. She looked over the information on the paper the box had contained for a few minutes before it sank in.

“We’re going to Jacksonville?” she actually sounded excited. Esme had gotten her two round trip tickets, assuring me that I’d be able to come up with an excuse to hang out inside while the sun was up.

“That’s the idea.”

“I can’t believe it. Renée is going to flip! You don’t mind, though, do you? It’s sunny, you’ll have to stay inside all day.”

“I think I can handle it,” I said. I’d have to tell Esme how pleased Bella was. “If I’d had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you’d complain,” I said with a frown.

“Well, of course it’s too much. But I get to take you with me!”

I forced a chuckle. “Now I wish I’d spent money on your present. I didn’t realize that you were capable of being reasonable.”

She reached for the half opened gift from me and Alice. I took it from her and tore the paper off again. When I handed the CD case back to her, she examined the clear case and the blank disk inside.

“What is it?”

I didn’t answer, but took it back from her and reached for her CD player. Nervously, I held my breath as I waited for the music. Since she had stressed so often that time with me was the only gift she wanted, I had decided to give her a piece of myself. Alice had helped me record myself playing the pieces I had written on the piano. Bella’s lullaby, the unnamed piece that was Esme’s favorite, and all of the songs I loved to play the most. I had poured my love for Bella into each one and I watched her face sadly as she started to cry.

“Does your arm hurt?” I worried. I knew the anesthetic must have worn off  by now.

“No, it’s not my arm. It’s beautiful, Edward. You couldn’t have given me anything I would love more. I can’t believe it.” My frozen heart melted at her words. If I could have cried, I knew there would be tears streaming down my face, too.

“I didn’t think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here,” I teased her, trying to keep the mood light.

“You’re right.” I noticed that she wiped her tears off with her uninjured arm only.

“How does your arm feel?”

“Just fine.”

_Fine again. Always the martyr._ “I’ll get you some Tylenol.”

“I don’t need anything,” she protested, but I broke away from her embrace and headed for the bedroom door anyway.

“Charlie,” she hissed at me.

“He won’t catch me,” I smirked. While I knew it certainly wasn’t appropriate for a teenage girl’s boyfriend to spend every night in her room – or any nights for that matter – I didn’t let it bother me. We didn’t do anything we couldn’t have done in front of him. I just couldn’t bear to be away from her. With that in mind, I flashed to the bathroom, grabbed a glass of water and the bottle of medicine and was back in her room within seconds.

She didn’t fight me and took the pills without complaint, for which I was grateful. If I was the cause of her pain, at least I could help her relieve it.

“It’s late,” I said and scooped her into my arms. I threw back the covers and laid her gently back into her bed, tucking her in. I climbed onto the bed and lay down next to her. She snuggled up to me and I wrapped my arms around her, feeling the desire to be able to shed tears once again. I couldn’t allow this to continue, but I couldn’t make myself leave. I would hurt her if I left her. I would kill her if I stayed.

She sighed, sounding content to have me near. “Thanks again,” she whispered.

“You’re welcome.”

“What are you thinking about?” she asked me. How many hundreds of times had I wondered the very same thing about her?

“I was thinking about right and wrong, actually.” I was sure she would press me, and I wasn’t sure how I would answer her. I needed to figure out how to make her let me go.

She surprised me by changing the subject. “Remember how I decided that I wanted you to _not_ ignore my birthday?”

“Yes…” Where could she be going with this?

“Well, I was thinking, since it’s still my birthday, that I’d like you to kiss me again.”

 “You’re greedy tonight,” I teased.

“Yes, I am – but please, don’t do anything you don’t want to do,” she sounded annoyed.

I sighed. I wanted to kiss her. There was nothing I wanted more than to spend the rest her life kissing her. What I _didn’t_ want to do was to leave.

“Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don’t want to do.” I suddenly, desperately needed to kiss her. I put my hand under her chin and pulled her to me. I carefully pressed my lips to hers, hearing her heart speed up, feeling the burn in my throat, the ache in my chest. I was leaving. I had to leave if she was ever to lead a normal life. I had to give her that chance for happiness. The chance to live without my interference. She could not live under the constant threat of death that my presence in her life caused.

Knowing that I had to leave, I knew that this was to be our last kiss. As that knowledge exploded within me, I was suddenly unable to deny the passion I always felt for her. No longer kept under tight control, I gave in to my desperate, all-consuming need for her and pulled her to me. I twisted my hand in her hair, holding her to my face. Responding to my touch, feeling an urgency that echoed my own, she ran her fingers through my hair and pushed her soft body against mine.

I wanted her so badly. I wanted to stay. I wanted the moment to never end. I imagined with fierce longing what would have happened if I had been a human man. I imagined running my hands along her body, reaching under her shirt to feel her soft skin. How it might have felt to have her warm skin pressed against mine, what could have happened if I didn’t have to worry about breaking her fragile body. I felt the human need to join our bodies together in a way that I never could. As the scene unfolded in my mind, I almost gave in to the overwhelming desire I felt for her. Stronger in that last moment than I had ever felt before. Before my fragile control could be overcome, I pushed her firmly away from me.

I gasped, my breath heaving, my body shaking, my every nerve singing. I felt waves of fire sweep over me. I heard her ragged breathing beside me, her racing heart.

“Sorry,” I gasped. “That was out of line.”

She was panting, trying to force enough oxygen into her system to keep up with her bounding heart. “ _I_ don’t mind.”

“Try to sleep, Bella.” I frowned.

“No, I want you to kiss me again.” Was she serious? I knew that she wanted more than I could give her. Did she not realize how fragile my self control was at this moment? If I touched my lips to hers again, I would be unable to stop myself from giving in to the desperate needs of my body, to the fire of my thirst. As out of control as I was at the moment, I would kill her for certain, crushing her fragile body with even a hug.

“You’re overestimating my self-control.” I said through gritted teeth.

“Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?” she teased. At the mention of her blood, I could again taste her on my lips, feel the awful ecstasy I’d felt when her taste had flooded my mouth. I fought the monster inside of me back yet again, determined not to let him control me. Grateful that I had been able to stop myself on that night, I pushed the memory away. I forced a grin and attempted to match her teasing tone.

“It’s a tie,” I told her honestly. “Now, why don’t you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?”

“Fine.” She curled her body back against mine. I tried to relax and closed my eyes, listening to her breathe, hearing and feeling her heart, treasuring each beat. Eventually, she fell asleep.

I took a shuddering breath and tried to figure out how to do what needed to be done. I watched her face all night, trying to acquire the courage to face the next day.

All night, she whispered my name, dreaming of me over and over. She tossed and turned. “Don’t go,” she pleaded. “Stay…”

_I wish I could._

As the sun crept into her room, I kissed the top of her head and slid gently from her embrace. My movement woke her up and she reached for me. I kissed her forehead and ducked out of her window.


	4. The End

**The End**

My family was waiting for me when I got home. They were gathered in the dining room. No one spoke as I walked slowly to join them at the table. All eyes were upon me. I finally spoke the words I was dreading.

“We have to leave Forks.”

Rosalie scoffed and looked away, arms crossed.

Carlisle said gently, “Edward, I know you’re upset, but there’s no need to make a hasty decision.”

“I’m not.”

“Bella is fine. Leaving now will not change what happened – ”

“No, I know that Carlisle. And I’m sorry. But Rosalie was right.” She looked at me, astonished. Those were the last words she ever expected me to say. “It is dangerous for everyone by having a human in our midst. It is better to leave now. Make an excuse that the humans will believe at the hospital. Alice and I don’t need to worry about school. None of the rest of you have anything to tie you to Forks. If we wait – ” I stopped.

I saw the future with more certainty than Alice ever had. I could not stay with Bella without putting her and her family in danger. Eventually, Charlie and Renée would notice that I didn’t age. I knew how unhappy Bella would be to leave her father and how much she already missed her mother. How could I have been so stupid? I had imagined spending the rest of her life with her, but doing so would mean she would have to give up everything for me. We could not stay in Forks forever. The people already commented about how young Dr. Cullen looked. Humans aged and changed. We did not. Would she want to start over in a new town every few years? Cutting her ties each time and leaving behind anyone she grew close to, never to see them again?

And that was only assuming I was able to avoid killing her.

Renée and Charlie were young. They had long lives with Bella in front of them. They looked forward to the joys of watching her live her life, going to college, getting married, giving them grandchildren. The kind of life a normal man could give the woman he loved. Again the pain of what I was assaulted me.

“We can’t stay here forever,” I voiced my thought. “It’s better that we leave now. Before I do any more damage to her life than I already have.”

Alice protested, “Edward, she loves you. I don’t think you realize how hard this will be for her.” I saw Bella’s unhappy face as Alice tried to show me Bella’s future without me.

I cut her off, “And how hard will it be for her when I kill her? Or when you do, Alice? I _know_ Jasper feels bad about his reaction last night. What if we had been unable to stop him?” I asked ruthlessly. “How do you think he would feel then? It could happen to _any_ of us! So quickly!” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I won’t do that to her. And I won’t do that to any of you.”

Alice’s pixie face hardened. _You won’t have to worry about killing her if I change her,_ the fierce thought flowed through her mind.

“NO!” I roared at her. “I will _not_ let you damn her to this kind of life, Alice!” I hit the table with my fist. “You cannot take her future from her. She has a life to live and she cannot do that if any of us are in it! You don’t remember your human life, Alice, but I do. And I would give anything to be a human man again. Don’t any of you try to tell me that you don’t feel the same way! If you had the chance to be mortal again, _I_ _know_ that you would take it.” I looked around the table meeting each of their eyes in turn, daring them to challenge what I said. One by one, they looked away in defeat.

I looked down at the table and saw the fist sized hole in front of me. I hadn’t even realized I’d done that. I stared at it in astonishment for a moment. “I’m sorry I broke your table, Esme.” I said quietly. Her lips turned down at the corners, but she didn’t answer me.

I stood up from the table. “I’m going to go to school today. Carlisle, you’ll need to give the hospital your resignation. I don’t care what you have to tell them, but we leave tomorrow. We’ll go to Denali… And then… We can plan our next move from there. But we can never come back here.” We considered the family of vampires in Denali, Alaska to be our cousins. Tanya, Irina, Kate, Carmen, and Eleazar were the only other “vegetarian” vampires we knew of. We had lived with them for a time until our numbers began to attract attention. I was sure they would welcome us until we found someplace else to move to.

I leveled a hard look at Alice. “Alice?”

Her stricken face looked up from the hole in the table. Her lower lip trembled. “Edward, you can’t.” _No. No._

“Swear to me – ”

“Edward, I love her, too!” _No. Don’t do this to me. To her…_ She tried again to show me Bella’s future.

“ _Swear to me, Alice!_ You must leave her alone!”

She shook her head. “Edward – ” _No! Edward, please! We can’t leave!_

“We can’t stay, Alice. Not without killing her.” I spoke with conviction. “You’ve seen it yourself. If we stay, she dies.”

“Alice,” Carlisle spoke gently. “It’s his decision. Leave Bella Swan alone.”

I saw her swallow several times. _No. No. There are other possibilities…_

“No there aren’t Alice! You’ve shown me that yourself! How many times have you seen her death now?”

_But if she joins us…_

“She’d still be dead.”

Alice shook her head, her black, spiky hair trembling, her golden eyes wide and hurting.

“Alice,” Esme’s voice trembled. “We all love her. But Edward is right. We have to leave.”

“Promise me, Alice. Promise me that you will stay away from Bella. You can never see her again. Don’t watch her future, don’t call her. Promise me, Alice. Promise me that you will let her live her life.” My voice broke over the last word.

She looked wildly around the table, hoping for some kind of reprieve. Her breath came in short gasps. She knew she had no choice. Finally, she whispered, “I promise,” and then she was gone, fleeing the room.

“And each of you, as well?” I pressed them.

Several glances were exchanged around the table.

“I promise,” Esme said quietly.

“Me, too,” said Emmett.

Rosalie huffed, “No problem.” She fumed silently, _This is so ridiculous. All of this fuss over a silly little human girl._ I glared at her, but then Jasper spoke.

“I’m so sorry, Edward.” I could feel his shame and remorse.

“I told you before, Jasper. The fault is mine. I am sorry if anything I said hurt you.” I knew that it had, I had hurt him on purpose. But it was necessary if it meant that Bella would be safe.

 _I promise_ , he thought. _I will leave her alone. And I will see to it that Alice does as well._

“Thank you,” I said quietly. “Carlisle?” I turned to my father. I saw in his eyes the pain that he felt for me. I pressed my lips together and looked away.

“I will tell the hospital that we got an offer from another hospital that we had to take immediately. And I will call Tanya, let them know to expect us. Don’t worry, my son. We’ll take care of everything. Go to school now.”

When I parked my Volvo in my usual spot, I tried not to feel anything. Not the despair at the thought of the rest of my life without her. Not the ache at the pain I was going to cause her when I told her we were leaving. Not the emptiness of my days, or the endless, dreamless nights that stretched in front of me. And I tried desperately not to feel the love I had for the fragile human girl.

I got out of my car as I heard her truck pull in and was at her side before she could turn off the engine. I opened her door for her.

“How do you feel?” I asked, knowing how restless her night had been.

“Perfect,” she lied.

We walked to our class in silence. I tried to think of what I was going to say to her, how I could make her let me go. I needed her to move on. I had to leave her in such a way that she would heal quickly, go back to her human life. Forget the monster who almost ruined it.

I watched her all day, expecting her to ask me about my family and how they were doing, but she never said anything. I wanted to ask her how mad she was, but couldn’t say the words. I saw how she favored her arm, but every time I mentioned it, she lied and said it was fine. I knew better, but I didn’t press her.

Eventually, as we sat in the lunchroom Bella asked, “Where’s Alice?”

I ground up the food I had bought. I’d been breaking it apart slowly, turning it into smaller and smaller crumbs. I didn’t look at her as I said, “She’s with Jasper.”

“Is he okay?”

 _Might as well prepare her._ “He’s gone away for a while.”

“What? Where?”

I shrugged. “Nowhere in particular.”

“And Alice, too.” Her voice was quiet. I could hear her hurting.

“Yes. She’ll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali,” I lied.

Her breath hitched and she swallowed loudly several times. She hunched her shoulders and held her arms across her chest. Was she in pain?

“Is your arm bothering you?” _Would you tell me if it was?_

“Who cares about my stupid arm?” she muttered angrily and put her head on the table.

I didn’t know what else to say. She knew Alice and Jasper were leaving. Emmett and Rosalie had already been in Africa. They had only come back to visit for Bella’s birthday.

She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day. I was certain that she was upset, but didn’t know how to comfort her without making things worse. So I said nothing, too. What was there _to_ say? Except the words that would break us apart forever, the words that would break me.

She surprised me as I walked her to her truck by asking, “You’ll come over later?”

“Later?” I dreaded the conversation I knew I had to have with her. The one that would drive her away from me. The one that would make her hate me. If she hated me, then she wouldn’t want me. If she didn’t want me, she’d be able to move on easier. I was trying to work up the courage to ride home with her and tell her then.

“I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off.”

“Oh.” I had forgotten.

“So you’ll come over when I’m home, though, right?” she insisted.

“If you want me to.” I could never refuse her anything. Anything but the one thing she asked of me that I couldn’t give her. Eternity with me. The pain I felt at that thought was brutal. I was sure a human would be unable to live through it. I wanted it more than anything. An eternity spent with my Bella, my angel. All it would cost was one human soul.

“I always want you,” she said fiercely. I couldn’t look at her, afraid my will would crumble.

“Alright, then.” I kissed her gently on her forehead and fled to my car, grateful for the small reprieve. I didn’t want to have to tell her yet. But I couldn’t keep putting it off.

I went home to pack. My family had been busy, readying the place for our absence. The furniture was covered with white cloths. Computers and personal items stowed in the cars, ready to go. Esme was the only one home when I got there. She was on the phone, arranging our departure with the various utility companies. I went to my room.

There was a pile of boxes stacked just inside the doorway. I began to empty my shelves, loading my music, my stereo, and my books. I picked up a bottle cap, placed in the center of my shelf. A place of honor. It was a token of the first lunch we’d spent together, the first day she’d said yes to me. My knees gave out and I slumped to the floor with a pained cry. Why was I packing music? The sound of her voice was the only music in my life. Books? The only story that meant anything was the story of her life. In a rage I hurled the box I’d been packing against the wall, smashing the CD’s I’d stored so carefully. I kicked the stereo across the room, picked up the couch where I used to spend so many nights reading and threw it through the wall. I tore from the house, running from the pain.

I ran through the forest, trying to gain control over myself. My breath came in gasping sobs as I ran, but it didn’t slow me down. I finally stopped at the same rock I’d sat on the night before with Jasper and hit it with all my force. It cracked, but held its shape. Relentlessly, I pounded the rock until it was a pile of rubble. My anger spent, I sat in the middle of the pile and stared at my hands. They were undamaged, long and white, harder than stone – as I’d just proven.

Bella would be better off without me.

Bella was expecting me. I took a deep breath and took off back home. I changed my clothes – they were now covered with debris and dust from the rock I’d demolished – but left the room as it was. I drove to her house to wait for her. Charlie was there when I arrived, but Bella was still at work. I knocked on the door. When her father answered, I greeted him calmly.

“Good afternoon, Chief Swan.”

“Hi, Edward. Um, Bella’s not home, yet.” I heard his annoyance.

“No, I didn’t think so. Her truck isn’t here.”

“Oh. Right.” _Well, what do you want then?_

“May I come inside and wait for her?”

 _Great. Just what I’ve always wanted._ “Sure. Come on in.”

“Thank you, sir.” I walked slowly to the livingroom. He’d been watching a game on ESPN. I sat on the armchair.

“We’ve got leftover pizza from last night if you’d like some,” he offered. I could see his plate on the table by the couch.

“No, thank you.”

“Okay.” He sat on the couch and went back to his game.

I tried to remember to blink and breathe while I stared without seeing at the TV. I was listening for the roar of her truck and didn’t catch any part of the game.

When at last I heard her truck, I took a shaky breath and clenched my fists to avoid ripping the arms off the chair I was sitting in. The door opened.

“Dad? Edward?” I heard Bella call out.

Charlie looked at me, but I didn’t answer. My teeth were clenched too tight.

“In here,” he called.

I had to get a hold of myself. I breathed slowly and tried to relax my fists. I concentrated on the sound of her footsteps. Her scent wafted into the room ahead of her. She stood in the hall for a second watching us watch the TV.

“Hi,” she said with a weak voice.

“Hey, Bella,” Charlie answered. “We just had cold pizza. I think it’s still on the table.”

“Okay.” She didn’t move from the doorway.

I swallowed and took a deep breath, unclenched my teeth and made my lips form a smile. Trying to control my trembling, I looked at her. The sight of her was like a physical blow. I wanted so badly to sprint over to her and crush her body to mine. I wanted to taste her lips and smell her warm breath. I wanted to pick her up in my arms and run away with her. But I remembered the pile of rubble I had just created out of a rather large rock and knew that I was right to leave.

“I’ll be right behind you,” I said, and then looked back at the TV. Looking at her was like staring at the sun. She was bright and warm and full of life. And I was a vampire. A creature that belonged in the night.

After a minute, I heard her hurried steps falter as she made her way to the kitchen. I heard her collapse into a seat at the kitchen table. I wanted to go to her, but I wasn’t ready for the conversation that loomed, and anything else seemed like a lie. The one glaring truth – I was leaving – negated everything else. A soft chuckle came from the kitchen and I closed my eyes, savoring the sound. I wondered what could have made her laugh, but it felt like proof that she would heal. She left the kitchen and I prepared myself for her to join us in the livingroom, but she went upstairs to her room instead.

I stayed in the chair, incapable of moving. I listened to her moving around upstairs and tried to figure out how to do what I knew was right. How could I tell her I had to leave when every cell in my body was fighting to stay? I took a deep breath and concentrated on the sound of her soft steps as she came back downstairs. I heard her snap a picture with the camera and looked up at her, my face a frozen mask.

“What are you doing, Bella?” Charlie complained.

“Oh, come on.” She forced a smile as real as the one I had given her earlier. She walked with shaky steps over to the couch and sat on the floor in front of Charlie. “You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I’m using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt.”

“Why are you taking pictures of me, though?” he grumped.

“Because you are so handsome. And because, since you bought the camera, you’re obligated to be one of my subjects.” I could hear how hard she was trying to sound cheerful.

“If I had known that, I’d have made your mother buy you the camera,” he grumbled under his breath. I doubted she’d heard his words, but I almost chuckled.

“Hey, Edward, take one of me and my dad together.” The sound of my name on her lips was like a breath of fresh air. I looked at her, but she avoided my eyes as she tossed me the camera. She knelt beside the arm of the couch and put her face next to Charlie’s. He heaved a sigh, but I could hear the pleasure in his thoughts.

Now that I was really looking at her, I could see the sadness in her eyes. I longed to see her smile. Well, I had a ready excuse to ask for one.

“You need to smile, Bella,” I said. Her name was so sweet on my tongue. Just to say her name was pleasure beyond words. She smiled, but it didn’t touch her eyes.

I looked away, my chest burning, and tried not to crush the camera I held.

“Let me take one of you kids,” Charlie offered.

I pried myself out of the chair and tossed the camera to Charlie. She came to stand by me and I felt her warmth radiating out of her body. I suppressed my urge to wrap her in my arms, knowing I’d never be able to let her go. Instead, I  draped an arm loosely around her shoulder. She pressed her body against mine and wrapped her arm around my waist. My body was rigid, fighting the desire to hold her, to touch her face, to kiss her until all the sadness was gone from her eyes. I clenched my jaw and tried to lift the corners of my lips into an acceptable smile.

“Smile, Bella,” Charlie said. Then he shoved the camera into a crevice of the couch cushion and rolled over it, hiding it from further use. “Enough pictures for tonight. You don’t have to use the whole roll now.”

I dropped my arm and broke free from her embrace. Trembling, I sat back down and tried to control my breathing. Bella sat back on the floor and wrapped herself into a ball. We both stared at the TV.

I’d had as much as I could stand. I had to leave. Now.

“I’d better get home.”

“See ya,” said Charlie.

Bella followed me to the door. I didn’t pause, couldn’t turn around. She followed me to my car. “Will you stay?” she asked.

I clenched my jaw and swallowed. “Not tonight.” I got into my car and drove off, leaving her standing in the rain. I didn’t get halfway down the block before my breathing faltered. I sucked in lungs full of air I didn’t need. There was an odd popping sound and I realized I had almost pulled the steering wheel out of the dash. My foot pushed the gas pedal to the floor, trying to escape my pain.

The car didn’t go fast enough. I could run faster. I pulled over and leapt out of the car. I left it on the side of the road as I hurled myself into the night, but there was no outrunning my pain. I remembered running like this before when I was fighting falling in love with Bella. That first month we were together in class, but before I had realized the depth of my feelings for her, I had run every day after school. This felt different. Then, I had at least been able to feel a release from the tensions as I ran. It was therapeutic. Now, I knew that I could run without stopping, but I would never be able to run far or fast enough to heal the tearing hole in my chest.

I stopped on the outskirts of Seattle. I watched the city lights and wished that I could at least be out of breath. That I might feel the burn in my muscles, or in my lungs as I fought for air. Instead, I stood motionless, numb, breathing only out of habit.

I had to go back. We were leaving tomorrow – or was it later today? I hadn’t been able to tell Bella goodbye, yet. I couldn’t just leave. My family needed me. They were making this move for me. The least I could do was to help them.

I turned around and ran with heavy steps back to the place that would always be my home. Even though this was the last time I would ever see it.

Carlisle and Esme were waiting for me when I got back.

“Rosalie and Emmett just left, Edward.” Esme told me. I nodded, blankly. “Alice wanted me to tell you that Emmett would come back for the cars, later. He promised not to see Bella.” I nodded again.

Esme didn’t speak again, but came over to hug me. I clutched at her, feeling helpless, grateful for my mother’s love.

“Alice and Jasper are already with Tanya’s family,” Carlisle continued. “They said they had a house on the outskirts of Anchorage that we could use.” I just nodded one more time.

“Thank you.” I mouthed, but no sound came out.

“We’ll see you in Denali,” Esme said, looking into my eyes. She was worried for me. I wondered what else Alice had told her. I kept seeing Alice’s face flashing in her mind, but she was hiding what they had discussed.

 _He won’t survive losing her. This won’t last. Alice is right; he’ll be back._ The thoughts Carlisle was trying to hide from me broke through his control and I looked him in his eyes.

“No. I won’t.” My lips were pressed firmly together with the strength of my resolve… or to hide the fragility of my will. His gaze didn’t waver, though I could feel his remorse in letting me hear his thoughts. They were firm, still. He believed – and I suddenly realized the rest of my family did as well – that no matter what I claimed, I would not be strong enough to stay away from Bella.

They didn’t realize how much I loved her. Every second that had passed since Bella’s first day, my need for her had grown. Even now, as I was leaving, I could feel my love growing stronger. What they didn’t know, or understand, was that I was using that strength to make me leave. Her life was the most important thing to me, her safety, her happiness, they were all that mattered.

I was dangerous, a monster destined to kill her. The only way I could prevent that, the only way I could insure her safety, was to remove the threat. My family could no longer endanger her. _I_ could no longer endanger her. She would be safe only when we were gone.

My parents stayed in the livingroom as I turned and went up to my room again. The mess I had made had been cleaned up for me. The hole in the wall was already patched, completely repaired as though it had never existed. I found some clothes to change into. When I went back downstairs, my parents were already gone. I walked slowly to the garage, then stood there and wondered for a moment where my car was.

 _Oh. Right_. I had left it on the side of the road.

My footsteps were slow as I ran to retrieve it, then drove my car to school. I smiled wryly at how Bella would have approved of my speed this morning. The car was barely moving above a crawl as I forced myself to school.

I soaked in her presence all day, but couldn’t bear to meet her eyes. I breathed in her scent, letting it saturate my body, feeling my cold skin warmed by her radiance.

She tried to ignore the chasm opening between us and with false cheer, coaxed her friends to take pictures at lunch. Although her friends laughed as they passed the camera around, Bella didn’t join in on the fun. I thought of how the days before Bella had seemed to drag on, a never ending boredom. High school. Petty arguments and insecurities. The striving of all the humans to fit in and stand out at the same time. Bella’s first day flashed through my mind and I realized I was sitting in the very seat she had occupied on that day.

Two tables away from us, a couple was arguing in low voices. He wanted to see somebody new and she was angry, hurt. As they fought, I saw images of other boys flash through her mind. She was determined to replace him with someone else as quickly as possible, hopefully someone who would make him insanely jealous. All around me, humans were forming new relationships and ending others. Even Mike and Jessica were trying to be friends again. They had recently broken up, too.

I thought about their spoken and unspoken words. Yes, humans changed all the time. I felt this should apply to Bella. She was human, she would heal, she would move on.

Forget me.

Abruptly, I realized the lunch hour was over as everyone left their seats. Bella stood, watching me, but I still couldn’t meet her eyes.

I knew she had to work that day. When she drove off after school, I drove my car to my empty house. Then, I ran to her house as I had so many nights before. I climbed up to her window and stood in the small room that was the only Heaven I would ever know. I was a coward. I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t say the words I knew I had to say. I sat on her bed and breathed in her scent, remembering the first night I had climbed into her room. The despair I had felt on that night was as nothing to this. I had tried at the time to figure out what to do to make the future bearable. Then she had spoken my name in her sleep. Asked me to stay. 

My frozen heart cried out as I felt again the love for the fragile human girl suffuse my body. It burned in every cell. I tried to recall the days before Bella, the pleasure of studying, of learning new things, the calm content I had found at the piano, but it was empty, meaningless. My life before her had been pointless. What would my life without her be now?  I heard her truck pull in and realized I had spent the whole afternoon on her bed.

I tried to gather my courage and failed.

I heard her open the front door and fled her room. Not today. I couldn’t do it today. One more day. I promised myself I would do it tomorrow. Right after school.

After she fell asleep, I climbed back into her room. I spent the night watching her, not daring to touch her, breathing in her sweet scent. I pictured the rest of my life without her and covered my mouth with my hands, biting back the cries that wanted to burst forth. As the light touched her face, she started to stir and I leapt from her room, not wanting her to find me there when she woke.

I planned my conversation with her through the day. Knew what I was going to say. When I walked her to her truck at the end of the day, I took hold of my courage in both hands and turned to her.

“Do you mind if I come over today?”

She looked surprised. “Of course not.”

“Now?” I insisted, unable to hide my urgency.

“Sure,” she agreed warily. “I was just going to drop a letter for Renée in the mailbox on the way. I’ll meet you there.”

I remembered her friends passing the camera around at school and suddenly realized what the letter held. If I was going to remove myself from her life, I couldn’t let any pictures of me reach Renée. I had to leave completely. I knew that if she was going to forget the monster, I had to erase myself from her life. She had taken pictures of me, she had my CD of the piano music I’d recorded for her. I had to leave her with nothing to remind her of me. My family was already gone, never to return. I was going to leave. I knew that if she were going to accept that, I couldn’t leave her with any physical reminders of my intrusion into her life.

I reached over and snagged the envelope from off the seat. I had leaned close to her body to reach for the letter and almost felt my composure falter. Her heat burned me and I had to clench my muscles to stay upright.

“I’ll do it. And I’ll still beat you there.” I wanted to see her smile at me. I needed the memory of her happy face. I tried to smile at her, but it was pitiful, a half smile. More of a grimace.

I can’t leave. I can’t stay.

“Okay.” She didn’t smile at me.

I sped to her house and climbed once more into her room. I took the CD I had given her from out of her player. I saw the envelope from the film developer’s and shuffled through the pictures inside. There were none of me. I wondered where she had put them and looked around until I found her scrapbook. When I opened it, I found a picture of myself staring back at me. My shaking fingers traced the words she had written underneath: _Edward Cullen, Charlie’s kitchen, Sept. 13 th._

I slipped the pictures of myself from out of the metal clasps that held them to the pages. Unwilling to damage her book, I left the pages with my name in her handwriting intact. I carefully opened the envelope that sealed the pictures and letter she was sending to Renée. I took my pictures from there as well. The box containing the tickets to Florida was on her desk and I grabbed it, too. Thought about the stereo in her truck, but realized there was nothing I could do about it. Well, I would leave nothing else behind.

 I slid her bed over and wrenched at her floorboards. There was a small space underneath, where I hid the photos, the tickets, and the CD. I liked the thought of something of me being close to her, even if she didn’t know it. It made me feel like I would still be watching over her as she slept. I pressed the floorboards back in place and moved her bed back into its spot. I found a new envelope and addressed it to Renée. Then I wrote a note to Charlie telling him that Bella and I had gone for a walk in the woods. I drove to the corner to drop the letter in the mailbox and made it back to Bella’s house just in time to hear her truck pulling close.

I got out of my car as she stepped out of her truck, her book bag slung over her shoulder. I took the bag from her and shoved it back into the truck, then reached for her hand.

“Come for a walk with me.” Her heart pounded in a thick, heavy way. There was no flutter of excitement like I was used to hearing my touch bring her. This was the sound of fear. Did she finally fear me? After all this time? I hoped so. It would make this easier on her. But not on me. Nothing could make this easier on me. Her footsteps dragged as I pulled her into the woods that surrounded her house. She definitely didn’t want to accompany me in there. I didn’t walk far. We could still see her house, hear the cars on the street.

“Okay, let’s talk.” She sounded angry.

I leaned against a tree, unable to support myself. I stared at her. How could I say what I had to say? How could I make my mouth form the words that would effectively end my life? My reason for living? I watched her, breathed her in, saw the edge of the bandage sticking out from under her shirt sleeve and remembered why this was necessary.

“Bella, we’re leaving.” My words were flat, unemotional.

She let out a shaky breath. “Why now? Another year – ”

I cut her off. “Bella, it’s time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he’s claiming thirty-three now. We’d have to start over soon regardless.” My excuses were flimsy. I knew we could have stayed for several years more, if –

Her face paled. “When you say _we_ – ”

I forced myself to say the words. “I mean my family and myself.”

She shook her head slowly. I waited for her to speak. Every second longer with her was a blessing, even now.

“Okay,” she said, her voice choked. “I’ll come with you.”

“You can’t, Bella. Where we’re going… It’s not the right place for you.” Wherever she was, was the right place for me. Wherever I was, was the wrong place for her.

She echoed my thoughts, my feelings. “Where you are is the right place for me.”

“I’m no good for you, Bella.” She had to see that. Had to see the danger her life was in with me in it. She had to see that her life would be better without the monster who threatened to ruin it.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re the very best part of my life.” Could she really believe that? She had only just begun to live. I had to see to it that she _had_ a life to live.

I clenched my teeth and growled, “My world is not for you.”

Her heart sped up, her breath came in short gasps. “What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!”

She always had the wrong reactions, drew danger toward herself instead of running away. It was far from nothing. My brother had tried to kill her. _I_ had nearly killed her throwing her across the room.

“You’re right. It was exactly what was to be expected.”

“You promised,” she scrambled to find the words. “In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay – ”

“As long as that was best for you,” I interrupted again, reminding her of my exact words.

“ _No!_ This is about my soul, isn’t it?” She shouted at me. I clenched my fists, held myself rigid, fighting every desire in me to give in to her. I had never been able to resist giving her what she wanted. “Carlisle told me about that, and I don’t care, Edward. I don’t care! You can have my soul. I don’t want it without you – it’s yours already!”

I withstood the onslaught of her words. The pain they caused me. Her soul was mine? I couldn’t take that from her. That was the problem. If I stayed, I would. If I’d had a soul, I would gladly have given it to her, but I knew it wouldn’t have been an even exchange. My soul – if I’d still had one – would be warped, twisted with the evil of my past, the evil of what I was.

 I knew that the words I had to say now would hurt her, but maybe, if she thought I didn’t _want_ her, it would be easier for her to let me go. I steeled myself to tell the biggest lie I had ever spoken.

“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.” I was unable to look away from her face, my eyes tight, my voice hard, my body trembling with the pain the lie caused me.

She repeated my words back to me. “You… don’t… want me?” She sounded confused.

“No.” We stared into each other’s eyes for a long minute. Could she see the lie in mine? Could she hear my need to take them back? To beg her to forgive me for even thinking them? I held my breath, waiting for her next argument.

“Well, that changes things,” she astonished me by saying.

How could it have taken so long for her to believe that I loved her, when she accepted my betrayal so easily now? Had she ever believed I loved her? I told her all the time! How could one little sentence make her believe that I didn’t care? That I didn’t want her? That I wouldn’t want her for the rest of my life?

I tried to tell her she was wrong. I had loved her. I _did_ love her. I always would. That was why I couldn’t stay. I loved her enough to make her safe from me.

I couldn’t look at her as I spoke, “Of course, I’ll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it’s time for a change. Because I’m…” I tried to think of an excuse that she would believe. “… _tired_ of pretending to be something I’m not, Bella. I’m not human.” I could never be a human again. She needed a human man who could give her a human life. I looked back at her again, needing to see her face. “I’ve let this go on much too long, and I’m sorry for that.”

“Don’t,” she whispered. “Don’t do this.”

She still wanted me. I had to make her hate me. She had to move on. I knew how she always blamed herself, so I turned my earlier words around. My mouth formed a hard line as I spoke the hurtful lie, each word ripping at my throat.

“You’re not good for me, Bella.” The words were blasphemy. She was the essence of good. She was the embodiment of all that was good and pure in the world.

She stared at me, open mouthed, her face pale. She found her voice after a moment.

“If… that’s what you want.”

I forced myself to nod.

I wanted to beg her forgiveness, to tell her that I wanted her forever. Alice’s visions blazed through my mind. Bella, pale like she was now, but cold and hard, her eyes blazing crimson. _Damn you, Alice!_ I thought. I saw her other visions of Bella, pale and cold again, but this time still and lifeless. Alice’s visions had been explicit. Those were the only two futures available to her as long as I was in her life. I couldn’t allow either vision to happen, she had to be safe. Safe from me.

I remembered her pale face in another vision, this time seen, not through Alice’s eyes, but that of a human monster. Fear blazed through me at the thought of anything happening to her. She was a danger magnet, and I wasn’t the only thing that had threatened her.

“I would like to ask one favor, though, if that’s not too much.” I begged her.

“Anything.”

Anything, she’d said. She’d do anything for me. She was a threat to herself. I needed her to do her part to keep herself safe.

 “Don’t do anything reckless or stupid.” My voice was fierce now. “Do you understand what I’m saying?” _Be safe. Please. For me._

She nodded. Her eyes were deep pools that I could have stared into forever. I could have stood there, not moving for an eternity, just for the pleasure of looking at her.

“I’m thinking of Charlie, of course,” I felt the need to explain. “He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him.” _For me_.

She nodded again. “I will.” She would keep herself safe.

She’d promised.

“And I’ll make you a promise in return.” I steeled myself to do what I had to do. Keep her safe from me. “I promise that this will be the last time you’ll see me. I won’t come back. I won’t put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed.” I shouldn’t exist. I was a monster who should have died in 1918. I thought of how her life would have gone if I had died when I should have. Of a healthy, happy future, a future with a family, a life. I saw her glowing body blooming, full with child. Pictured her smiling face changing with the years. Gaining the lines of wisdom. Seeing her graceful with age.

I smiled at her, liking this picture. Wanting it for her. “Don’t worry. You’re human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.”

“And your memories?” her voice was husky.

“Well – ” I couldn’t lie to her. My memories of her were burned into my body. I would never forget the heat of her touch, of how sweet her kisses had tasted, her pure sweet laughter, her goodness, her gentle grace, and how she had given her love to me. “I won’t forget. But my kind… we’re very easily distracted.” I wanted her to think that I would move on, too.

I stepped back, fighting the urge to run – to her, or away from her. “That’s everything, I suppose. We won’t bother you again.”

A look of shock passed on her face. “Alice isn’t coming back,” she mumbled.

I stared at her, unable to look away. Loving Bella had been so easy. Even though I had no memories of how to love, it had all come so naturally, holding her, kissing her, loving her. Leaving her was like a human trying to breathe underwater or willingly placing their hands in a fire. It felt wrong, unnatural. But I knew it was right.

“No,” I answered her. “They’re all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye.”

“Alice is gone?” her voice was flat. Like she didn’t understand.

“She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you.” I stopped to look at her for one long moment more. “Goodbye, Bella.”

“Wait!” she reached for me. I couldn’t let her touch me. Would not be able to bear her hands on me, her arms around me. It would break me. I grabbed her wrists before her hands could touch me and placed them firmly at her sides.

I brushed my lips against her forehead and inhaled her scent once more. “Take care of yourself.”

I fled. I ran faster than her eyes could follow into the forest. I ran for hours. I ran without stopping, without seeing, my eyes full of the sight of her. I ran without breathing, unable to smell anything except her scent, my last breath full of her still held in my lungs. If I was not already dead I would have died from the pain my heart was in now. I ran into the mountains, scaling them easily, climbing higher and higher. I stopped suddenly when I reached an abrupt edge at a mountain top, a high cliff overlooking part of the forest I’d just run through.

I fell to my knees and my body shook with the unbearable grief I had yet to give voice to.  I dug my fingers into the rock, gouging out holes. My fists clenched, grinding the rock into powder. My eyes could not cry, but my heart could. At last, I gave in, my voice shaking. A high pitched keening escaped my lips. Screaming in pain, I rocked back and forth on my knees, grieving for the end of my life, the end of the only thing I had worth living for. I grieved at the loss of the only girl I had ever loved, the only girl I would ever love. The only girl in the world.

Bella.


	5. October

 After an immeasurable time – days? years? I wasn't sure – I collapsed, unable to move. Empty. Conscious of nothing but pain. I lay on my back and stared unseeing at the sky. I watched the sun move across the sky, then the stars. I watched them trade places over and over. Sun. Stars. The rain drenched me, the wind whistled past me. Sun. Stars. I was dead. My life was over. Empty. Sun. Stars. Snow, this time, piling around me, burying me. Now the daylight was filtered through the ice that covered me and when the darkness came, it was total. The wind blew the snow cover off of me and I watched the sun again.

A man's thoughts intruded on my emptiness. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore him, but he continued to get closer. His thoughts were focused on his physical activity. Scaling the mountain, placing his feet, his hands, his tools; carefully making his way to the summit that it had taken me scant minutes to reach. He wasn't important. I tried to tune him out and waited for him to continue on his way.

_Holy, Hanna! Oh, crap. A body… He's not dressed for mountain climbing… Where's his equipment? How the hell did he get up here? I'd better see if he's got any ID. I'll bet there's a family somewhere that's been looking for him…_

I felt hands on my body, digging for my pockets. My eyes flew open.  _I_  was the body he'd found. I gasped. My slight movement drew his eyes to my face, to my open eyes. He blinked in surprise. I blinked back.

"What the - ?" he scrambled backwards. His back hit a rock formation, but his feet kept trying to push him further away from me. I saw the way I looked to him. My eyes were black, and the bright sun was shining off of my skin. I appeared to be made of the ice that surrounded me. His scent filled my senses, his pounding heart drew me, and I sat up, hearing the sound of ice cracking as my frozen clothes bent and moved with me. I bared my teeth at him and snarled. How long had it been since I'd hunted last? My thoughts had been blank, just existing without thinking, aware of nothing except the pain I was in. My consciousness had blocked the reason for the pain.

The man's thoughts were incoherent. "What? What? What the - ?" he repeated over and over. I growled at him and crouched, seeing myself in his mind, seeing the monster I was - the monster that I didn't want to be. My breathing accelerated. I stood and took a step toward the panicked man in front of me. My hands clenched and unclenched. My face was twisted and angry in his mind.

"You're afraid of me," I hissed at him. I swooped close to him, my face inches from his. "You  _should_  be."

I turned away from him and walked to the edge of the cliff where I had lain for so many days. I looked over the edge, then glanced back at him. His eyes were wide with terror. I hurled myself over the edge, falling past the sheer cliff down to the forest below. I curled into a ball in the air, a missile hurtling at the ground. My body hit the trees and broke them into splinters. I hit the ground hard, gouging out a furrow in the dirt and rock. I rolled several times, breaking another tree. When I opened my eyes, I could see the cliff from where I had come to rest. The man was staring over the edge. I could still catch the fear and astonishment in his thoughts.

I stood up slowly and began to walk, not caring what direction I was walking in. I had nowhere to go, after all. I was merely walking to walk, an end in itself. I stumbled across a small family of dear. The smell turned my stomach. I was thirsty, but could not bear the thought of the deer's taste entering my mouth. I turned away and kept walking. I recognized the passage of time. The differences between midday and midnight. Whenever thoughts intruded on my emptiness, I avoided them, giving wide berth to cities and towns. I walked through the mountains, through the forests, through the rain, and then the snow.

_Edward?_

I looked up slowly. Someone had called my name.

_Edward?_

"What." My voice sounded strange in my ears.

_Edward?_  The voice sounded familiar. I wondered why. There was no voice that mattered anymore. I was dead. My life over. Who was there to call my name now?

I continued to walk and tried to ignore the voice that kept calling my name.

"Edward. Oh, Edward…" I stopped walking and looked around in dull curiosity. The voice was full of pain. That didn't matter; the world  _was_  pain. The only thing I felt, the only thing I was really aware of was pain.

My eyes finally focused on a face. The face was vaguely familiar. I was certain I'd seen it before. Small and pale with golden eyes, her black hair was spiky, and her features were delicate. I stared at her, my thoughts sluggish. I tried to put a name to the face. She reached her hand out to me.

"Alice?"

Her features tightened. She nodded.

I glared at her and growled, "Go away." I started walking again. She walked beside me. I didn't care; she wasn't important. I didn't notice when she began steering my steps in the direction she wanted me to walk. The trees gave way to a road where car waited, directly in front of me. She opened the door.

I watch her blankly, not understanding what I was supposed to do.

"Please get in, Edward. Please. We need you to come home now. You need to come home."

_What home? I have no home._

I stared at the car without moving. I didn't want to get in. After a moment I turned away and began my aimless walk again. She hurried after me.

"Edward, please!"  _Everyone is so worried about you. You need your family. We need you. Esme misses you so badly. Jasper feels terrible; he blames himself for everything. I can't stand seeing everyone so sad all the time. I've been looking for you for weeks, Edward._  "Please? Come with me?"

Why did it matter if I went with her or not? Anywhere I was I would be in pain.

I didn't resist as she steered me into the car. I leaned my seat back and curled up facing away from her. I closed my eyes and let the car take me where it would.


	6. November

 

The car pulled up to an unfamiliar house. Alice opened the door and held her hand out to me. I watched her hand without moving until she let it slowly fall to her side. She left the door open and walked toward the house. After a moment I got out of the car and followed her inside.

“Edward!” A man and woman said in unison. I didn’t look at them, didn’t speak, just walked past them and wandered through the house until I found a room full of things I vaguely recognized. There was a bathroom off to one side and a closet full of clothes. My clothes were filthy from the time I’d spent in the forests and on the mountain. _I_ was filthy. I stripped and went to take a shower. I stood in the water, not noticing if it was hot or cold. There was no warmth in my life anymore. I’d left my only source of warmth behind.

Eventually, I emerged from the shower and put on clean clothes. The motions were automatic – pointless things done out of habit. I could hear voices from elsewhere in the house.

“Where did you find him?” a man’s voice.

“Just past Calgary.” The girl from the car… Alice.

“Thank you, Alice. Thank you for bringing him home.” A woman’s voice this time.

I felt that I should be able to recognize the voices, like I knew the people who were speaking, but they weren’t important. Some thought was intruding on my emptiness. Something I’d forgotten. Wasn’t I going somewhere? I’d been walking. Was this where I’d been walking to? Somehow I didn’t think so. I looked curiously out of the window, but the bare, snowy landscape was unfamiliar.

I thought there was something important that was missing.

What had I forgotten? Why was I standing in this unfamiliar room? I cocked my head to the side and tried to think. I looked down at myself. I was in pain, but I could see nothing wrong. I felt like I was standing in a fire, like a thousand needles were penetrating my skin. I felt as though I had been flayed, every nerve ending exposed and crying out to me, but my body was cold and smooth. Hard. Dead.

Why did I hurt? I didn’t remember hurting before… before… I began to tremble, my hands shook. I clenched my fists. A low moan escaped my gritted teeth.

“How is he?” the man again.

An angry sigh. “I don’t know. Bad. He won’t talk to me. I’m not even sure he heard me.”

“I don’t feel… anything.” A man’s voice, a new one this time. He sounded confused.

“What do you mean?” the woman again.

“Just that. If I hadn’t seen him walk past, I wouldn’t have known he was there.”

I heard someone pacing. Angry fast steps.

“This is so stupid!”

“Alice,” the first man’s voice chided. “It’s his decision.”

“Well, he’s decided _wrong!_ ”

 “The future can change, Alice. Your visions are _not_ certain. Things are hard now, I know, but they’ll get better.”

“No, Carlisle. I don’t see that happening. I’m afraid that neither one of them will get over this. I can’t stand seeing her suffer! And for what? _Nothing!_ This isn’t going to work!”

“You promised not to watch her, Alice.” The woman’s voice again, angry.

“I’m not _watching_ her, Esme. But I can’t help that I’m so tuned in to her… I… I _miss_ her, Esme…” her voice choked.

“I know, Alice. We’ve all missed them both.” Her voice was gentle this time, sad.

“Speak for yourself,” another female said, scornfully.

“Rose!” The woman, her voice low and furious. I heard a chair move, then a harsh growl followed by angry footsteps and a slamming door.

I wondered who they were talking about. If there was someone they were missing, why had she been searching for me? I couldn’t organize my thoughts, force their words to make sense.

A pair of chocolate brown eyes flashed in front of my face. A gasp escaped from my lips. I _knew_ those eyes. A quiet laugh sounded in my ears. I knew the laugh, too. My breathing accelerated. A memory of warm hands on my face, a sweet, floral scent, like freesia, with a hint of strawberry.

Suddenly I remembered what I’d been missing. My memories burst inside of me with an explosive force so strong I was shocked that I remained standing. The fog I’d been in cleared as if burned off by a flash fire. The emptiness inside of me gone, I was filled with grief, with despair, with an acute loneliness I knew I would feel for the rest of my existence.

Bella… _Bella._ Bella was what I was missing.

I gasped her name. “Bella.”

I fell to my knees. Bella. I lowered my head until my forehead rested against the floor, my arms across my chest, trying not to scream. Bella. My angel, my sanctuary, my warmth, my reason. My Bella.

I heard a voice downstairs cry out, then a muffled gasping.

“Jasper?” Alice’s voice, worried now.

I put my hands over my ears, but that didn’t stop their thoughts. They were worried. About me. I tuned out the voices coming from downstairs, unable to bear hearing any more of their conversation. I shook my head. Clenched my eyes shut. Heard a high pitched moan and realized it was coming from me.

I stood up suddenly and strode from the room. I stalked past the members of my family who were gathered in the livingroom. I didn’t acknowledge them, ignored their words, spoken and unspoken. I walked with careful strides out of the house and across the snowy landscape. I wasn’t leaving; I had nowhere to go.

The house was on the side of a hill overlooking a body of salt water. I walked until the house was no longer in view, then I slumped down and stared out at the water without seeing it. The breeze moved my hair and I smelled the salty tang that it brought. I wrapped my arms loosely around my knees and felt myself begin to rock slowly back and forth.

Bella. I closed my eyes, wishing I could cry.

After a time, Carlisle sat down beside me. He didn’t speak and kept his thoughts carefully silent. Just offering his presence. I heard loud voices coming from the house, an argument. Carlisle hissed and stood. Before he walked away, he placed his hand on my shoulder.

_I’m glad you’re here, my son._

I could feel his love for me in the gentle touch. But his love was a pale echo compared to the one I had lost. The love I had forced away with lies and harsh words. The love I had betrayed. The pure perfect love of my angel. My Bella.

Carlisle’s angry voice stopped the argument and the house was silent again.

I was aware again of time passing, but this time I knew why I burned. I knew where the pain came from and what was missing. Bella. I thought about her. Couldn’t stop thinking about her. Wondered how she was doing. Pictured her with her human friends, safe. Pretending an interest in sports with Charlie. Reading her classics. I tried to imagine her laughing, but somehow my absence made this image seem impossible. I knew it wouldn’t have taken long for the human boys to take advantage of my absence. I remembered her annoyance at the silly humans who had tried to win her heart and couldn’t imagine her with any of them. _I_ was the one she had said yes to. But I was sure she would meet someone, someday who she would say yes to again.

I knew Renée wanted her to come to Florida. I pictured Bella on the beach, standing in sunlight. I could see how the sun would turn her hair into spun gold, tinted red, a dark, liquid honey. I imagined how the salt would mix with her scent, could smell how the tang of the sea would accent her sweet floral flavor, the sweet and the salty combining into something new and yet still so deliciously Bella. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, liking this image. Wanting it to be real. Wanting her to be happy.

As I never would be again.

Occasionally my family would come to sit with me as Carlisle had. Esme, Emmett, and Jasper giving me what comfort they could. We never spoke – or if they did I didn’t hear them – they didn’t push me. Jasper kept his emotions to himself, knowing that I didn’t want or need any false peace. There was no peace for me. I was an eye in the center of a hurricane. My body was still, except for the slow, steady rocking. My thoughts and emotions were violent fire storms. Chaos. I burned, my body needing her touch. I’d once told her she was like a drug for me. My own personal brand of heroin, she had called herself. She’d been more right than she could ever have known. I wondered if this was what withdrawal was like. But unlike a recovering addict, I knew there would be no end to my pain, to my need for her.

“How long has it been since you’ve hunted, Edward?” I hadn’t realized Carlisle was sitting beside me again. I shook my head. I wasn’t thirsty.

“Edward.” I clenched my eyes shut and shook my head again, harder this time.

“Are you trying to starve yourself?” His voice was hard, accusing.

“No.” I felt his astonishment. I’d answered! Responded to a question.

“Then why – ”

“Go _away_ , Carlisle.” My hands balled into fists.

“Edward, I know you need time, but this isn’t good for you.”

“I’m not thirsty.” I spoke through gritted teeth, each word a harsh growl.

“You need to hunt.” Resolutely, I shook my head again. “You’re going to get weak, you need–  ” I put my hands over my ears. I didn’t want to hear him.

“I _need_ you to leave me alone, Carlisle.”

Ruthlessly, he pictured his early days as a vampire. Before he found out that he could live on the blood of animals, he’d tried to starve himself; grew weak, desperate with the thirst. I wasn’t sure how long a vampire could go without blood, but the thirst only grew into a worse and worse pain. It wouldn’t kill us. And I was already in agony. The escalation of pain from thirst at this point was like throwing a match on a raging forest fire. Technically an increase, but unimportant overall.

I shook my head at him again, impatient for him to leave me alone.

He sighed, then began to picture the other ways he’d tried – and failed – to kill himself. I knew what he was asking. And the answer was no. Not as long as she lived. My life was tied to hers. Even if I couldn’t be with her, even if I’d left her, I would exist. As long as she did.

“No, Carlisle.” I said softly. “I’m not trying to… I don’t want to…”

_It’s okay, my son. You don’t have to say it. As long as you aren’t thinking it._

I shook my head again, slowly this time. I wasn’t.

“Edward. Please, come hunt with me.”

I sighed, opened my eyes. I took my hands away from my ears and wrapped my arms around my legs again. Went back to my slow rocking. I didn’t notice when he left.

I considered what I was doing. Vampires did not fidget the way humans did. Unless engaged in an activity, our kind were often completely still. Yet I was moving, automatically, unthinkingly rocking. Why did the rocking seem to help when nothing else did? I contemplated the rhythm my body was moving in without my conscious volition. It suggested a pattern to me. Something I was familiar with. Back and forth. Back and forth. Slow, steady, constant. Like a heartbeat. Then it hit me. I was moving my body to the sound of her heart, the quiet resting pace I’d listened to for so many nights as she’d dreamed. Of me.

Bella…


	7. December

**December**

 

Although Alice had been the one to find me, she did not come to offer her presence as the others did.  She did not want to comfort me, she wanted to argue with me. Force me to end this long misery and go back home. The others refused to allow her to add to my suffering and told her not to bother me. I didn’t think it would make a difference. I had no intentions of going back. Heaven was closed to me. Even if I went back, my false words had driven her away. As I had intended.

I relived our summer together. Warm days spent in the sun, quiet nights in her room, lying with her in my arms. I could feel again the healing power of her presence. How she had made me whole before I even knew I was incomplete. I had been like a man, blind from birth, not realizing what I had been missing. Suddenly I could see – the world had color, light. Now I had gouged my seeing eyes out, but the darkness was no longer comforting. It was terrifying.

A sudden image of myself in Bella’s room, begging her forgiveness entered my head and I moaned. The very thought of being in her presence again was pure joy. If I could just make her understand why I had left, why I had lied, that I _had_ lied, that I needed her, loved her, would always love her… would she take me back?

I cried out and clenched my fists. The thought held so much allure for me. She had always been so quick to forgive me before. When I told her of my past, confessed my worst sins to her – my initial and constant desire to kill her, my murderous years when I defied Carlisle – she would offer her gentle understanding and forgiveness. Would she be capable of forgiving even this? The lie that I didn’t want her?

I shook my head violently. Forced upon myself the image of Bella lying amidst broken glass, bleeding. I was dangerous. I was not safe for her. She should be free to live a life without the constant threat of a vampire – a _family_ of vampires – who might kill her at any moment. A vampire who claimed to love her, yet always had to fight the desire to kill her. She was better without me, safer.

“Edward.” Alice came to sit beside me. “Carlisle and Esme are hunting. They made me promise not to bother you, but you need to hear what I have to say!”

“Go away, Alice.” My voice was unemotional, an automatic response.

“No, Edward, you listen to me. This can’t go on! You can’t survive without her. I see what it’s doing to you to try. But you aren’t just hurting yourself, you are hurting everyone involved, all of us and Bella, too.”

My head snapped up and I glared at her, snarling, “ _You leave Bella alone, Alice_!”

Her voice was calm as she spoke again, “I have been.”

“Good.” I stared back out at the sea.

“But just because I’m not watching, doesn’t mean I don’t _see_. She needs you just as much as you need her. You two belong together and… I’m afraid for her.” Ignoring my pained cry, she ran through her visions of the ever changing future in her mind. I could see Bella, her face unhappy, going through the motions of living, then nothing. Over and over, her unhappy face flashed in my mind, then disappeared.

“Why are you _doing_ this to me?” I leapt to my feet and advanced on her, furious. “I _know_ that I hurt her, do you really think I need to _see_ it? Of all the things I have to see right now, do you think that watching Bella _suffer_ is going to _help?_ She has to move on! She has to have a chance at happiness, at a future, at a _life!_ ” I was raging at her, beyond reason, not aware that Emmett and Jasper had appeared to grab my arms, preventing me from attacking her.

“Whoa, Edward, calm down!” Jasper was furious.

“Stop! Edward, stop this!” Emmett was grunting, straining against me.

“That’s my point, Edward!” I fought against my brothers, trying to get to Alice. To force her to stop saying the words I didn’t want to hear. “She’s not moving on! She is _not_ happy! You two need each other! I don’t think she _has_ a future without you. Her future keeps disappearing, and it scares me! She’s there and then she’s not and _I don’t know why!”_

At last her words sank in and I stopped fighting. “Bella’s future disappears?”

“Yes,” she sighed softly, relieved to have gotten through to me at last. My brother’s arms were still wrapped around me, all of us panting.

“No. No, Bella promised she’d take care of herself,” I whispered.

“Then why can’t I see her future, Edward?”

“She wouldn’t… she wouldn’t hurt herself. No.” I was appalled.

“No, I don’t think so, either…” Alice agreed softly, “but _something_ is wrong.”

I stood for a moment, indecisive. I shouldn’t watch her, but… No, Bella could not be allowed to disappear. Then I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Show me.”

She ran over her visions again. Bella at school. Bella at home. An odd blankness. Charlie, watching ESPN with Bella at his side. Then they disappear. Bella at work, not a part of the conversation Mike was trying to have with her. Bella sitting alone in the cafeteria. Then nothing, again. A flash of red, a twisting fear. Bella in bandages, but smiling a strange smile. Another image of her face smiling, a wild, exhilarated expression.

I had fallen to my knees, unable to support myself under the onslaught of images. I hung on to the last ones with all my strength: Bella, smiling. I was gasping for breath, clutching at the ground. It was what I wanted for her, a future where Bella smiled.

This image filled my mind for a long moment. Then I tried to process what Alice had shown me. She was there, then she was not, then she was there again. I ran over each image slowly, lovingly, seeing her face in my mind, ignoring the pain it caused me to see her unhappy. She _would_ smile again. Alice had seen it.

“Wait.” I paused, trying to focus on something only partly seen. “What was that?”

“What?” Alice asked.

“I don’t know, it was too quick… Something… I don’t know, something wrong.” I sighed in frustration. “Show me again.”

She went back over the images for me. Bella, nothing, Bella, nothing, Bella. Then I saw it again, the red and the accompanying feeling of fear.

“There! That! What was that?”

“I – I don’t know. I see that constantly, too, but I can’t name it. I – I didn’t mean to show that part to you… I didn’t think it had anything to do with Bella…” she stammered, confused and frustrated.

I tried to focus. Why did it seem so familiar? The red and the fear? Like it was a part of my peripheral vision, something I had experienced in the past, but a part of Alice’s vision of the future. When had I felt fear like that before? I concentrated, and felt the fear consume me as I saw Bella in the eyes of a human monster. I had dealt with him, he would not be hunting again. He could not be the source of the future fear. I saw Bella lying broken and bleeding in the ballet studio. The human monster might not be dead, but James was. James…

There it was. The fear I had felt in the baseball field, when James had decided to hunt my Bella. And beside him…

“ _Victoria_.” I spoke her name, barely a whisper. My body went cold, the fire turned to ice.

“Victoria!” Emmett and Jasper chorused in shock.       

“Victoria…” Alice breathed. Her eyes went blank and I watched the shifting visions as the elusive red morphed into a fierce face surrounded by flaming red hair. Victoria, running, hunting. Then, as before, she disappeared. Alice blew an annoyed breath out and tried again. Victoria, there then gone, over and over, just like with Bella. There one moment, then gone the next, only to return.

“What does it mean?” I asked her.

_I don’t know._ She was frustrated. _It’s like something keeps blocking what I’m seeing. Interrupting my train of thought._

“How is that possible?” I’d never heard of Alice being blocked before.

“What?” Emmett asked, looking back and forth between us. “Ugh, you guys know I hate when you do that.”

“Emmett,” Alice explained impatiently, “I keep seeing Victoria, only I didn’t _know_ it was her. There’s something in the way. The same thing that keeps happening with Bella. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Like… like she goes somewhere that doesn’t exist.”

I was thinking hard. Victoria and Bella’s future, connected by something Alice couldn’t see. I didn’t have to understand what it meant to know that it was bad. For the first time in months, I had a purpose. Bella needed me. If I could find out why Victoria kept disappearing, maybe I could figure out why Bella did, too. I couldn’t go to her, but I was her protector, still.

I stood abruptly and sprinted toward the tree line. I was leaving. Whatever this future was, I had to prevent it. I would have to find Victoria.

But first I had to hunt.

I returned a few days later, my thirst finally satisfied. Carlisle found me in the room they had intended to be mine. The one I had only set foot in one other time. He was unable to hide his pleasure in seeing me. I was clean again, my eyes no longer black, no longer sitting motionless and unresponsive. I was packing with purpose, an angry scowl on my face.

_Alice told us what she saw. And what you figured out._

I grunted, not in the mood for conversation.

_You’re going to go looking for Victoria._

The words were a statement, not a question. I saw no need to respond.

“Let us come with you.”

“No.”

“She is certain to blame you for James’s death; she’s likely to be very dangerous when you find her. You may need our help.”

I shook my head.

“Edward, you shouldn’t do this by yourself. We can help you. Help you search for Victoria. And… help you deal with her when you find her.” I knew how much that offer hurt him to make. He abhorred the thought of taking any sentient creature’s life. Even when we had found James torturing my Bella – the memory brought a fresh wave of agony – he had refused to participate in James’s destruction, leaving it up to Emmett and Jasper to kill the sadistic monster.

And my search for Victoria was no rescue attempt.  

I didn’t pause my packing. I didn’t want their help. I didn’t want company whom I would have to listen to worrying constantly. They didn’t need to worry and I didn’t need to make them as miserable as I was. I certainly wasn’t capable of being pleasant, pretending happiness, or interest in conversations.

I once again thrust from me the people who loved me. I had driven Bella away with my hurtful lies, now I needed to push my family into continuing their lives without me. I was no good, a soulless monster who could only bring pain to those around me. I forced myself to speak.

“Carlisle, you should take Esme someplace with nice architecture, you know how she loves to study blueprints. Go someplace nice, someplace with lots of old buildings. Alice and Jasper should go on vacation. I know I’ve upset him, he should go be around… happy people… for a change. And while I know Emmett would love to help, I don’t think Rosalie wants to be around me any more than I want to be around her. So, no. You can’t help me.”

“Esme would be happy enjoying the architecture of wherever your search takes you, Edward. She would just be grateful that we were with you. And it would make Jasper feel better to be able to help you. His experience with his previous… family… could make a difference. You know that Alice’s abilities would be useful to you, too.” _She found you, after all_. He said the words gently, but they still brought me fresh misery at the memory of my agonized wandering.

I zipped up the bag, the few changes of clothes fit easily into the small suitcase. I leaned on the closed bag and considered his offer. My family really was the best. They had uprooted their lives for me, supported me more than I deserved, and now they were willing to go with me on what was likely to be a long, difficult quest. But their love only served to emphasize what I had lost – thrust away from myself – and seeing the loving couples together was painful in a new way.

“I need to find her, Carlisle. I need to do this by myself. Thank you for your offer, but I don’t want – I want to be alone.” The words hurt to say. I heard in them the echo of the worst lie of my life. _Bella,_ _I don’t want you to come with me._

_If that’s what you truly want._

“It is.”

He nodded, seeming to accept this at last. “Where will you go?”

I’d been thinking about that. How do you search for a vampire in a place that doesn’t exist? I decided to start by searching for her where she had been before. I remembered what Laurent had told us the day the trio of nomads came across us. He said they’d eaten just outside of Seattle. I’d considered going to see Laurent. Irina said he’d come to Denali when he’d left James and Victoria, but I didn’t know just how strong their ties might have been. I had been concentrating on James at the time. They had spent several decades together and, though they had been quick to go their separate ways, I worried that seeing me would give him a reason to contact Victoria again.

I didn’t want her to know I was hunting her. So Seattle it was. I grabbed my bag, walked around Carlisle without answering him, and headed for the front door.

“Where is my car?” I wondered for the first time.

Esme brought me a set of keys. “Emmett went to get it for you after…” The look on my face stopped her from finishing her thought. She held out a small phone. “Take it, please. So that you can call us if… if you need us.” _So that we can call you. So that we don’t lose you completely._

I pressed my lips together and grabbed the keys and the phone from her hand, then walked out without another glance. I headed south, toward Washington. Toward Seattle. Not far from a place where a piece of Heaven exists on Earth. Every mile I drove closer was soothing. I knew I wasn’t going home, but it felt good all the same. And any lessening of the pain was like having her with me, my own personal angel.

The speed didn’t bring me the pleasure it used to, though I pushed the car to its limits. I was just glad to be speeding toward home.

Toward Bella.


	8. January

**January**

I paced slowly down the street, my hands shoved in my pockets, my shoulders hunched. This had been a mistake. I should have recognized the warning signs. The eager way I drove. The lessening of the pain in my chest with every mile.

I was too close. Far too close.

How many times had I made the short run from Forks to Seattle? I could be there within an hour. Less. My feet ached to fly across the ground that separated me from my home.

It called me. As if the town had its own gravitational pull, but only I could feel it. I should not have come here. It was taking all of my very limited willpower to resist.

I was a demon, cast out of Heaven, still circling the gates looking for a way back in. Hoping for a reprieve that would never come. Only I was no fallen angel. I could almost believe Carlisle. He insisted that our souls were not lost. Heaven and Hell were reserved for those with souls. Surely this was not Seattle; this was Hell.

I leaned against the building I had been passing and closed my eyes. I’d been looking for something to help me in my search for Victoria for weeks now and was just as unsure where to find her now as when I had started. And all the while I was searching, Bella’s disappearing future loomed closer.

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Staring ahead of myself, not seeing the store front across the street, I concentrated on where to search for Victoria next. I had wandered the city, listening and smelling. The daily thoughts of the people of Seattle had filled my head, but it was a predator’s thoughts I was searching for - a killer like myself. I hoped I would be able to cross the path of a vampire I could follow and watch. I didn’t expect to simply run across Victoria, that would have been too easy, but nomads often ran into each other during their travels. I hoped that, if I found another nomad, perhaps they knew of Victoria or had seen her.

Suddenly the store in front of me swam into focus and I gasped. Staring at me from out of the wide glass storefront was a pale skinned, red eyed vampire. He was unmoving, still as our kind often was, and didn’t seem to see me or the people all around him. I read the store’s name on the sign above the vampire’s still figure. _Blood Lust_. With a short laugh I realized what I was seeing was an unusually lifelike re-creation, an advertisement for the store that sold vampire paraphernalia to those odd mortals who seemed to worship the vampire way of life.

Curious, I found myself drawn across the street to the store. I smirked, the first genuine smile to cross my face in months at the thought of what Bella would think of this store. Of me going in. I thought she would have laughed. She’d always been able to poke fun at my vampire nature. I wondered what they’d think if they knew a real vampire stood just outside. Unable to resist, I opened the door.

The air was thick, heavy with a smoky perfume. Everywhere I looked, there were mouths distorted by large fangs dripping with blood. I trailed my fingers along the glass case that held jewelry adorned with skulls and spiders. I paused by a rack of plastic bags shaped like units of blood. I read the labels and scoffed. _Fruit juice?_ I shook my head and continued browsing. There were racks of clothes; shelves full of candles, candy, and cards; dolls and decorations; red, glittering strings of lights shaped like drops of blood; an entire wall of books; coffin shaped jewelry boxes, dishes, and cups. I stopped by a counter with make-up supplies, my eyes caught by a row of small boxes. Contacts, to give mortals strange shaped pupils, to turn the entire eye black or silver, or to turn their irises red.

_Hmmm_.

I considered for a moment. Those might actually be useful. Assuming I ever did run into another vampire, I knew that my eyes marked me as different. Those who drank human blood had the red eyes of the advertisement on the storefront. Animal blood was of a slightly different make-up, though, and my family’s eyes were shades of gold. My eyes had returned to thirsty black, but I knew even that was bad. No vampire wanted a thirsty vampire hunting on their territory. The contacts wouldn’t last long as my body’s toxicity would break them down quickly, but it should be long enough for my purposes.

“Hi there.” I looked up to see the clerk watching me. She flashed  those silly fake fangs at me when she smiled. Her arms were covered with tattoos, but her face was almost childlike, open and friendly. “Can I help you with anything?” _Um, wow, dude… nice make-up…_

My lips twitched. “I’ll take a couple pair of the red irises,” I told her, enjoying the unfamiliar urge to laugh.

“Sure, no problem,” she said and started a sales pitch on other items she thought I might also be interested in. Her internal dialog was considering making a different type of offer to me and I rolled my eyes. As she rang up my purchase and bagged the contacts, she kept chattering about the local vampire night-life, mentioning local clubs and authentic vampire hang-outs her internal voice was considering inviting me to.

A part of me was suddenly tempted by her offer. Not because I was attracted to her body – far from it – but because I was caught suddenly by her scent. Her heart beat was loud in the store and we were alone. Bella was lost to me, Heaven was closed. _What reason is there not to do what it is in your nature to do?_ asked my red eyed monster.

I interrupted her chatter, annoyed at how she seemed so fascinated by the kind of life others of my kind lived – the life I had once lived. The kind of life the monster in me wanted to live again.

“You do realize that if you ever ran into an… authentic vampire… they’d be more likely to kill you than to hang out with you, don’t you?” I said coldly. I felt the familiar burn in my throat and the tensing of my muscles, tasted the flow of venom in my mouth. I was glaring at her now, a harsh growl in my throat, angry at the thought of this girl seeking out danger. It made me afraid, and I heard my words echo in my ears. _Don’t do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I’m saying?_

“Well, it’s not… like it’s…” She seemed to sense the danger she was in and her words trailed off, but I heard them continue in her thoughts and whispered them back to her.

“What? Real?” I flashed around the counter and leaned close to speak in her ear, continuing to voice her thoughts. “It’s all just sex fantasies and wish fulfillment? Hmm?” She gasped and whirled, but I was already back in front of the counter. “A game?” She turned back to me, breathing fast. “And would it seem like such a fun game when one of… them… took your life, draining you of every drop of your blood? Or worse, left you to burn with an unquenchable thirst for eternity?”

My voice was harsh, my fists clenched with the pain of fighting my monster back. I saw her face pale, saw in her mind my angry expression and knew I had frightened her. Good. I took a step toward her and she took an automatic step back. Grimly, I snatched my bag from her hands and stalked out of the store.

Ridiculous humans! They knew _nothing_ of what they sought. It was all a game to them, a roll-playing fantasy, a mockery of my life. They wanted to be vampires – or thought they did, not understanding what it really meant. How they would live in torment for eternity. How they would lose the essence of who they were as they killed those they had once befriended. The humans belonged to each other and the world in which they lived. We did not. We lived alone, except for those few who were fortunate enough to find a mate – my dead heart twisted at this thought – never belonging to anything except for our thirst again. I thought of my endless days and nights, of living in a monotonous boredom as unchanging as I was.

Until I had met the girl who had changed everything.

“Bella,” I moaned. She had wanted to be a vampire, too. She, better than anyone, had understood what that meant. Still, she sought to end her life, to damn her soul for eternity. Just to be with me. Yet how she would hate me if I ever let it happen. If I were to take from her the beautiful humanity that was her heritage, to turn her into a killer like myself.

Of all my family, only Carlisle had managed to avoid killing even one human. Rosalie had killed the men who had hurt her, Emmett had been unable to resist the blood of humans on many occasions, as he had so vividly shared with me. Jasper had killed thousands. Even Esme and Alice, before she found Jasper, had lived as any newborns did, feral and thirsty.

And me. I had killed so many I lost count. People whose lives were ended because of my monstrosity. Sure, I had tried to do good, stalking those who preyed on others, but I knew that from the moment I first tasted human blood my soul was lost, my damnation complete. How could I do that to Bella? I could not bear the thought of her killing anyone. She was so pure and good, she deserved someone as pure and good as herself. Not a monster; not a killer. She deserved a good life and, when her living was done, many, many years from now, she deserved the peace of Heaven. I would not take that from her.

I crouched on the edge of a rooftop and stared out at the city below me. I was suddenly taken over by an image of eternity spent, not in suffering, but in the bliss of her arms. Oh, how I wanted her. What need had I of Heaven if I could spend eternity in the arms of my angel? I could feel again her gentle caress, her sweet kisses. I cried out in pain and clenched my arms to my chest. I was hollow, empty without her. The future that had been so close was tangible. I could see her, hear her, taste her, smell her.

Her absence was like losing a part of me. My body ached without her; remembered her touch like a searing flame. More essential than air to a human’s lungs, a craving more powerful than any thirst, my physical need of her was total, consuming, overwhelming.

Alice was right. I could not survive without Bella.

Almost I turned to go back to her when suddenly I smelled an unfamiliar scent. Unfamiliar, yet I recognized it at once. A vampire.

Instantly alert, I traced the elusive scent. I cast my mind out, listening for the thoughts of the predator. I could not go back to her. Heaven was lost. All that was left was for me to keep her safe. And that meant finding Victoria.

As I jumped from rooftop to rooftop, the scent grew stronger. I caught the edge of a thought, the thought I had been searching for. _Hunger, thirst._

Carefully, keeping downwind, I crept to the edge of the roof and peered over the edge. Walking down an alley was a young girl, and behind her, keeping to the shadows, the predator I had been searching for. Hastily, I applied a pair of the red contacts to my eyes, blinking and trying to focus around their annoying haze. I watched the vampire creep behind the girl. He stayed just out of sight, letting a small noise announce his presence. She glanced back, fearful, but saw nothing. He was playing with her, cat and mouse, drawing out the chase.

My face twisted into an angry scowl, remembering all too well when my Bella had been the object of such a chase. Without hesitating, I jumped down to the street, landing lightly just in front of the predator.

He crouched low, defensive, and hissed at me. I kept my posture relaxed. I only wished to talk, ask him about the object of _my_ chase, but also, if possible, to distract him from the young girl. I knew it was foolish. If he did not kill this girl, he would just find another to replace her with. But in protecting this anonymous girl, I felt closer to Bella.

He feinted to one side, then another. I didn’t move; I wasn’t looking for a fight and I could see that reacting to his movements would lead to an instant attack. Cautiously he straightened. I stared into his crimson eyes, seeing the mirror of my past. He was young, tall and lean, with a haughty twist to his lips. The girl was unaware of the two monsters behind her, but she hurried out of the alley, her senses telling her she was in danger. Finally, the predator spoke, putting voice to his thoughts.

 “What do you want, huh? You’ve interrupted me in the middle of dinner.” He grinned, flashing his teeth at me, enjoying his own humor. I was slightly disgusted, but did my best to hide it.

“I was just looking for someone,” I replied cautiously.

“Well, you’ve found someone. Now bugger off.” He was acting hostile, but I could hear the playful tone in his thoughts.

Most vampires were essentially loaners, but often they would band together for short periods of time for mutual protection and a remaining human need for companionship. These pairings didn’t usually last long, but if he were willing to be friendly, it would help in my search immensely.

I forced myself to smile at him, “Well, you are correct, there. I did find you. But you aren’t exactly who I was looking for. Rather, I was looking for anyone who could help point me in the right direction.”

He smirked at me and lifted a finger, pointing down the alley in the opposite direction the girl had taken. “That way, mate.”

I gave him a false grin in response. “Have you met many other vampires in Seattle?” I asked bluntly.

“Oh, sure, there are loads of us.” In his sarcastic comment, I could see him flicker briefly through the images of the few vampires he _had_ known. None of them were the red-haired Victoria I sought. He stalked slowly around me, his thoughts wondering loudly just exactly what I was looking for and why. He considered himself very dangerous and was surprised and offended when I allowed him to circle around behind me. He had wanted me to fear him. I read his intentions before he could act and jumped out of his reach, landing lightly behind him when he moved to attack me.

I merely looked at him with a polite expression on my face when he whipped around to face me, deliberately ignoring his attempt to attack me. While not a newborn, the vampire was young, only a few years old, and overconfident. I picked his mind while he attempted to figure me out. He had not had many interactions with other vampires, but mostly they had been related to territory disputes. He had killed two newborns who had poached on what he considered to be his hunting grounds and was trying to figure out if he needed to do the same with me.

“I’m trying to track down an old acquaintance of mine.” I told him. “The last I saw him, he was in Seattle and I haven’t been able to find him.”

“Perhaps I killed your friend, then,” he hissed softly. He circled me once more. “I’ve taken down several in the past month alone,” he lied. Then he rushed me a second time. Once again, I heard his intentions before he acted and whirled around him, landing behind him and grabbing his arms as he tried to best me once more. I growled in his ear and released him, flashing across to lean casually against the alley wall.

“Really?” I said, scorn in my voice. I’d had too many wrestling matches with Jasper and Emmett for this vampire to be able to intimidate or catch me. Reading minds was a valuable asset in a fight, easily giving me an initial upper hand. Of course, Emmett knew of my abilities and how best to combat them. Usually, after the initial rush – which I deflected easily – he would be able to pin me… if he was able to catch me. Emmett was the strongest vampire I’d ever met, but I was faster and we only wrestled for play; he never used all of his massive strength against me. This vampire had no idea I could read his mind and his strength was no more than that of any other vampire.

He eyed me with slightly more respect, grudgingly deciding not to antagonize me. “Alright, then. Who are you looking for?”

I didn’t want to ask about Victoria directly, so I probed for information, “His name is James.”

“Nope, sorry, mate.”

“How about Laurent, they knew each other, too.” I saw a flicker of the black haired vampire and felt my excitement build.

“Yeah, sure, I knew a Laurent. He left town about a month back with some blond chick. Ain’t seen him since.” The image of Irina was strong in his mind and I felt disappointed. If he had been here with Irina, surely he had not been in contact with Victoria.

 “Blond chick?” I prompted, hoping for more information.

“Sure, weird chick. Weird eyes.” Though they were currently black, I was glad I had thought to disguise my own eyes with the red tinted contacts.

“Know any other female vampires?” I pushed him, wanting to end this quickly. I knew that my contacts would not last long before they disintegrated and was already tired of his mind.

He laughed, a low lewd sneer. “Ah, so that’s it, eh? You’re not looking for a friend. You’re looking for a _girl_ friend. I see.” I felt an instant fury at his statement. But I supposed, to his point of view, it made sense. Why else would I be looking for a female vampire? I decided not to argue with him. He was vulgar and far too pleased with his fate as a predator.

“Well, do you?” I demanded.

He considered how best to answer my question, but I saw what I was looking for in a flash of red. It was nearly impossible to contain my impatience, to force myself to wait for him to speak.

“Man, chicks are more trouble than they’re worth. If you’re looking for some fun, just grab a little dinner date.” He laughed loudly at his crude joke.

“Dinner date,” I mumbled, disgusted. I fought down a fierce desire to kill this monster. Though Heaven was barred to me, I knew Bella deserved better than a killer and, though I could not have her, had pushed her away from me, I still wanted to be what she believed me to be.

“Yeah, sure. Seattle is a hot spot for a bit of vampire fun. Just turn on the charm, wear some fake fangs, and the chicks will follow you anywhere. Then when you’ve got ‘em alone…” He leered at me, chuckling, and I saw the memory of what he was suggesting. I had resisted the urge to join with Bella in the way of a man with his beloved, knowing I would kill her if I tried, and here was a creature who had memories of just such trysts. It didn’t matter to him if the women he bedded were harmed. It was his intention to kill them afterwards.

Coming to a sudden decision, I knew I could not let this monster continue to prowl. I had not been able to kill the human monster who had threatened Bella, but this was a creature as damned as I was and far more dangerous than the human had been. I wondered if it would truly be considered murder as he was already dead. Since I didn’t plan on leaving him alive, I stopped trying for discretion and spoke plainly.

“The female I’m looking for is named Victoria. She has red hair. Do you know where she is or where I might find her?” When he heard her name, he automatically remembered his one brief encounter with the ferocious red haired vampire. Like me, she’d been looking for information, looking for other vampires who could help her.

“What information did she want?” I demanded, abandoning all caution and advancing on the predator in front of me. “What did she want help with?”

“What? What are you talking about?” He was astonished, but again, his mind gave me some of what I wanted to know. She was looking for vampires to join her, to help her fight. She’d seen him fighting with a newborn which the predator in front of me had killed when he’d found the newborn hunting in his territory.

“And then what? Did you ever see her again? The red head?” He’d seen her only once after that, heading out of the city, running south. South. That wasn’t much help, but at least I knew she was no longer in Seattle.

“What the hell, man? Who _are_ you?”

I charged him then, using all of my speed to sweep him from his feet before he knew I was coming. He hit the ground hard and rolled to escape me, flipping into the air. I saw his intent and moved before he could touch me. I used the wall as a spring, feeling the bricks crack as I pushed off, and grabbed his arm while he was still in midair. Using my momentum and twisting with all of my might, I heard a horrid metallic screeching as I tore his arm from his body. He hit the ground shrieking. I threw his arm away and came for him again. He tried to use his remaining arm to ward me off. He grappled with me trying to gain the upper hand, but with a vicious twist, I separated that appendage from his body as well.

My mind was consumed with rage as I remembered the human I had been unable to kill, and James, whom my brothers had killed. It was right for me to make the women of this city at least a little safer by removing this predator. With a fierce kick, I forced him to the ground. While my foot held his body to the ground, I grabbed his head and strained. He was screeching, gnashing his teeth as I separated his head from his shoulders.

I threw his head into a dumpster, then gathered his arms and body and threw them in as well. The dumpster was full of paper refuse and caught fire easily. I grimly watched as the fire consumed his body, reducing the predator to ashes. He would hunt no more.

I felt sick. I was a killer again. No matter that it was a well deserved fate, for did I not deserve the same fate? Leaving the scene, my mind full of Bella, I wondered what this night would cost me.

Yet I was unable to regret my actions. I knew only too well that by killing this particular killer, I had prevented someone else’s Bella from suffering a terrible fate. I also knew how close Seattle was to Forks, and the thought of my Bella visiting Seattle and being stalked sent waves of terror coursing through me. This monster was dead, but there were always others out there and I couldn’t exactly go around killing every vampire I came across.

I knew though, that if necessary, I’d kill again and again in order to keep her safe. Feeling myself more damned than ever before, I ran to the area where Victoria had encountered the predator. I had been so close to returning to Bella not even an hour previous and I grieved anew at my loss. I was unworthy of her. A killer. A predator no better than the one I had just killed. She was better off without me. I wished with all that I was that I had met her as a mortal man, that I could have lived a human life time in her presence. But if I was doomed to be a monster, I was determined to put my monstrosity to use. No matter what it took, I _would_ make her safe.

 


	9. Obsessed Vampire Stalker

**Obsessed Vampire Stalker**

I sat on the edge of the roof of one of Seattle's skyscrapers, not far from the space needle. I was staring south, considering my next move. There had been no trace of Victoria in the place the predator had remembered. Victoria was long gone. All I really knew was that she had been here, but "south" was too broad of a direction for me to just wander around hoping to find her. If she and James had been as tightly bonded as Carlisle seemed to think, it was possible that she had followed us to Phoenix, searching for him. She'd been so confident of his success in his hunt for Bella. But he didn't return to her because we'd killed him.

I'd managed to confirm that she'd been in Seattle, acting on my hunch that she could be found where I knew she'd been before. Perhaps the next place to search for her was the last place James had been. Phoenix. Phoenix was south. Did I dare to leave Seattle and start my search over in a new city? I felt I'd been lucky this time to have run into a vampire who'd seen her. As Bella had pointed out to me, Phoenix was much larger than Seattle. I'd need much more than luck to find another trace of her.

I decided that it wouldn't take me long to drive to Phoenix and at least visit the ballet studio, see if I could pick up anything there. I could always return to Seattle if Phoenix was a dead end. If nothing else, I could call Alice, see if she had any new insight into where Victoria could be found. Though her previous visions had been vague - hunting, running in a forest - that didn't mean they would  _stay_  vague.

I thought of Phoenix, a bright sun-filled city and what I would do there. I'd be reduced to only hunting for her at night, forced to hide during the day. Phoenix had less cloudy days than Forks had sunny ones.

I felt a sudden longing to visit the place Bella loved so dearly, to see the house where she had lived, the school she used to attend. To look out over the valley and see for myself the places she had described to me. I couldn't see Bella or go to where she was now, but I could visit her past. My mind made up, I stood with enthusiasm and went to retrieve my car.

As I sped south, my phone rang. I was unsurprised to see that it was Carlisle calling me again. My family had called nearly every day. As usual, I ignored the call, having no desire for their pity or their worry. If they wanted to know where I was, I was sure Alice would be able to tell them. Otherwise, I wanted them to just leave me be. Yet I was grateful for the reminder of their love. We were a family still, even if I'd left. Even if I would likely never return.

Alice's blank spots bothered me again and I found myself pondering the connections between Victoria and Bella. Victoria had lost James when we'd killed him. I'd left Bella. Thanks to Alice's visions, I knew how unhappy Bella was right now. I wondered if Victoria was mourning James. Perhaps their emotions were affecting their futures? Maybe Bella had yet to get over me? Was that even possible? Part of me – a very selfish part – wanted to think that. That perhaps she could have loved me so much that even my lies couldn't make her hate me. That, if I dared to risk her life again, she might still love me and be willing to take me back.

When I'd first met Bella, my future had become indistinct in Alice's mind. Whether or not I would kill Bella; whether or not I would fall in love with her; whether or not she'd become a vampire. Each of these possibilities had shifted around so often that my future had been blurry for a time. Until I realized that I was in love with her; then Alice's visions had firmed into two possibilities for Bella. To become a vampire, or to die.

I knew that meant that with me a part of her life, she only really had one option. Because, as a vampire, she'd  _be_  dead, too. I realized I was about to break the steering wheel and loosened my grip. I was right to leave; I could only bring her death. There was no other option. If I had stayed, her future would have been death, or death and damnation. I was moaning in agony, gasping for breath, my body shaking. I had to pull the car over and get out in order to resist the urge to punch a hole through the roof. I leaned against the car, gasping. I could not return! An unhappy Bella was still an alive Bella. But Alice had seen Bella smile again.

I pictured her future smile and I wondered if it had happened yet. Alice's vision didn't seem to have been in the immediate future, but it had felt close enough. I remembered how strange the smile in Alice's visions had looked. She'd seemed… excited?... scared?... there was definitely a wild happiness. Well, maybe it had to do with her mother. I knew how she hated Forks, perhaps she'd be excited to go to Jacksonville. Starting over in a new city would be scary.

If, as Carlisle had cautioned me, Victoria was unhappy at James's death, maybe that affected her future. Alice didn't see everything. There had to be a decision behind the direction that the future took a person. If the person changed their mind, their future changed. Maybe this was the explanation for their disappearing futures. If their emotions were affecting their ability to make decisions, it could make their futures indistinct, and perhaps Alice wouldn't be able to see anything at all.

I was tempted to call Alice and discuss my theories with her, but then recognized the impulse for what it was. I wasn't checking on my family, or on theories about Victoria's future. I wanted to check on  _Bella_. I wanted Alice to look at Bella's future again and to tell me what she saw. I wanted her to spy on Bella for me, to see if she was happy yet. Here I was, driving to her old home town just to look at a house she had once lived in and was contemplating having my sister spy on her future. I couldn't deny that I was stalking her. Well, I had watched her as she slept and followed her to another town when she went shopping with friends. I guess old habits died hard.

There was no other option; I would continue as I had started. I'd go to Phoenix and see if I could find any trace of Victoria. And while I was there, if I happened to stop by Bella's old home… I got back in my car and was speeding back south again within seconds. I was bound to Bella so completely. I couldn't be with her, but I couldn't leave her alone either. To have this tangible chance to see something of her – a place she'd lived, a place she loved – was something I could not resist. And she'd be in no danger from me.

It was dark when I drove into Phoenix. I decided to check into a hotel with attached parking so that I could come and go as I pleased without having to go into the sunlight. As long as I was in my car, I doubted anyone would notice me through the darkly tinted windows. I had packed long sleeved shirts, so my arms wouldn't be visible. I'd buy some gloves, sunglasses, and a hat to further hide my skin.

As soon as I was checked into my room, I took off again. I was anxious to visit Bella's house. I found it easily, remembering the drive last time in a stolen car as we raced against James. I parked in a shopping center's parking lot a few blocks away from her subdivision and walked slowly down the sidewalk into her neighborhood. I was imagining the little girl Bella playing on these streets, falling down and scraping her knee – I laughed fondly at this image – growing into the beautiful young woman I had met and loved. I pictured her life here, camping under the stars with her mom, learning how to ride a bike, going to visit friends' houses.

I paused outside a house where a teen girl was talking on the phone. I could hear her conversation easily and she was – perhaps predictably – discussing boys. I wondered if she had known Bella, if they had been friends, grown up together. I continued walking, keeping my ears and my mind open to hear all of the people.

… _mortgage due tomorrow… need to double check the bank…_

… _bake on 350 for thirty minutes…_

… _is he? It's ten thirty! He should be home by now. Maybe I should call…_

… _going out with Dave tonight again…_

… _oh come on! That was clearly a foul!..._

I heard nothing unusual as I strolled down the streets. The everyday lives of these people would neither help me find Victoria nor help me feel close to Bella. Finally, I turned down her street and stood for a long moment staring at the house where Bella had grown up. This was a neighborhood and I knew strange young men – as I appeared to be – shouldn't be seen just standing around staring at unfamiliar houses. I found a place to hunker down to watch over the house where I'd be out of sight.

As I sat by the place where Bella had once lived, I recalled everything she had told me of her home, ran through our conversations in my mind, picturing her excited face as she described things I'd never experienced. I breathed deeply, trying to place each scent and listened to the sounds of the wildlife; the insects, the birds – though most of them were quiet at this time of night – bats, and frogs. The far off call of a coyote. The sounds that were unique to Phoenix were all so different from the forests I was used to. I looked around, observing the plant life, lightly touching the prickly spines of a cactus.

When we'd been here last, I'd stayed with her at the hospital and didn't get the chance to explore her city. Bella had been right; Phoenix was beautiful. I sat by the house all night, simply soaking the desert in. I had to hurry back to my car when I saw the sky begin to lighten in order to avoid being seen.

When I got back to the hotel room, I realized the pain that I had lived with constantly since the day I'd left Bella in September had eased slightly. I'd been near her house. I'd watched over it the way I used to watch her. I took a deep breath and could smell the desert on my clothes. It had a very different aroma than the rainy northern towns we'd been living in for so long. It was crisp and dry, pungent with the scents of the animal and plant life that were so particular to the desert. It smelled somehow right, familiar. I couldn't wait to go back as soon as the sun was down again.

I spent the entire day in the room, impatient for the sun to set. I alternated between pacing anxiously and sitting in the middle of the bed, curled in a ball. Miserable, I hugged my knees and tried desperately not to feel anything. Despite my inability to shed tears, my heart could cry and I couldn't hold back my moans. The slight relief being near her house had brought didn't last long and being trapped in the room made it too easy to sink back into my misery. I missed her so much! At least prowling Seattle had given me the illusion of doing something useful to help Bella.

When at last twilight descended, I hurried to my car and drove back to the shopping center I'd parked in before. I didn't immediately hide when I got to the house. There were no lights on, though it was still early. I listened for any thoughts, but detected no one inside. Scanning the surrounding houses to make sure I was unseen, I flashed over to the house and peered in the windows, but there were curtains in the way. Keeping an ear out for anyone who might see me, I went to the front door and looked around for a hidden key.

I finally found one under a flower pot and let myself inside.

Being in the house where Bella had once lived was exhilarating. I touched the carpet in front of the television, traced my fingers along the walls, and ran my hands over the light switches as I slowly made my way to the back of the house. I barely glanced in the largest bedroom, certain that it had been Renée's room. When I opened the door on the smaller bedroom, I saw that it was no longer the room of a young girl. The room was decorated with sports memorabilia and posters of flashy cars, the deep blue of the walls offset by a cream colored carpet that was strewn with clothes, shoes, games, and gaming magazines. I was certain this family had a son, not a daughter. I lightly touched the car posters, smiling as I remembered Bella telling me she didn't speak  _Car and Driver_. This young boy obviously did.

I laid down on his unmade bed and tried to imagine what it would have been like growing up here. My human years had been so long ago and the memories were fuzzy. It didn't help that the era I came from was so vastly different from what kids experienced now. I couldn't imagine myself spending my limited human years playing video games. I saw that he had some trophies and stood to examine them, pleased when I saw that he played baseball. I lightly touched his knick knacks and opened the school book that was on his desk. History. I read over the paper he was writing and saw that they were studying World War I; a war that I had almost been a part of. I shook my head and continued to examine the room.

I could detect nothing of Bella here. Nor, surrounded as I was by cars and sports, could I imagine her in this room at all. Her room at Charlie's house may have been untidy with shoes and schoolwork, but it hadn't been  _messy_. Her CDs had always been neatly stacked, her books put carefully away, her clothes in the hamper. I left the room to examine the rest of the house, though I despaired of finding anything inside that would make me feel close to her. I stood in the bathroom, avoiding looking in the mirror, and touched the sink, the closet doors, the knobs on the faucet, places where I knew her hands had once touched.

It was in the kitchen where I finally felt her presence. I knew that she had done the cooking for Charlie, but that was already a learned behavior as Renée had been an unpredictable cook. I had helped Bella cook for Charlie and could easily imagine her standing at this stove, making spaghetti for her mother, then washing the dishes in the sink. I stayed in the kitchen for a long time, picturing Bella there, cooking.

Headlights splashed across the room through the window as a car pulled into the driveway. I looked outside to see the family had come home. The boy was dressed in a uniform and I guessed he had just come from either a practice or a game. I listened to his excited thoughts, and confirmed that it had been a practice; the game would take place the following day. I flashed across the house to the backdoor, letting myself out before they could open the front door. I hid in the shadows of the house until I was sure I would not be seen and hunkered down in the same spot as the previous night.

I breathed in the desert air and didn't move until the sun began to rise again. I spent a week in this fashion. Pacing the hotel room during the day, watching over the house at night. If they were not home, I'd let myself in to sit at the kitchen table, or to recline on the floor of the livingroom. I'd found a strange peace there, envisioning Bella's life before I had known her. Nothing like what I used to find when I'd spend the nights watching her sleep. Nothing like that. But any improvement on my constant misery was welcome.

When I walked through the neighborhood a week after my arrival in Phoenix, I became aware of an unfamiliar scent. A vampire had walked this way. Recently. As I paced down the street, I was alarmed when their scent turned to follow my path through the neighborhood. Wondering if they'd scented me and were following me, I paused to apply the contacts I'd bought in Seattle to my eyes. I'd kept the extra pair with me, just in case I ran into someone who could help me.

Concerned for the family in Bella's former home, I increased the speed of my steps. When I rounded the last corner, I saw him peering through the curtains, as I had done. I let out a sigh of relief to see that they weren't home, yet.

I watched him for a moment, staying out of sight. He was tall, muscular, but slightly pot-bellied, his hair trimmed into a crew cut. It looked like he'd been in his thirties when he died. I imagined he'd have looked menacing even as a human.

_What is it about this place? Is he stalking the family?_ He laughed softly.  _Sounds like a fun game._

I growled angrily. Now my very scent was endangering this family, causing another predator to see what had drawn me back again and again.

Leaving the shadows, I walked up to him, no longer bothering to hide my presence. He heard my approach and turned to face me. I slowed as I got closer and we eyed each other warily.

_I've been tracking this kid?_

I sighed. Even though I was nearly a hundred and ten, I would always look seventeen. I decided not to let it bother me. If he thought of me as a kid, it would make him underestimate me, and that was always a good thing when dealing with unknown potential enemies.

"What's your name, kid?" he asked me.

"Mason," I said, giving him my middle name. "What's yours?"

"Roger."

"What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"I smelled you," he explained. "Why are  _you_  here?"

Unwilling to explain about my connection to the house, I settled for telling him something that any vampire should be able to understand. "This neighborhood is my territory. Please leave."

"No need to be rude. I haven't hunted here, yet."

"Good. Don't." I wished he would leave, but he was curious, still wondering what kept drawing me back to the same house.

Probing for information, he asked me, "What other territory are you claiming?"  _I haven't smelled him around the town... can't be limiting his kills to one area... get noticed..._

"None, yet." I noted the vivid bright red of his eyes. They were exactly like Alice's vision of Bella's eyes. "Newborn?" I asked.

"Excuse me?"

"I was just wondering how long you've been a vampire. Were you changed recently?" I clarified.

"Yeah, bout four, maybe five months ago." The wary look returned to his eyes. "You?"

I shook my head. "No. I died many years ago." We studied each other for a moment.

_Many, huh..._

"Who created you?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know. I remember being attacked. I thought it was a lion or coyote or something. Then I remember flying... I was being carried, but they moved so fast! And pain." He paused and I caught the memory of the pain of his transformation. "I thought I'd died and gone to Hell. Then I woke in the desert. Been alone ever since."

"You don't remember anything about the one who changed you?"

"What's with the twenty questions?" he asked, suspicious.

"I'm looking for someone. I thought maybe they'd created you."

"Well, like I said, I never saw whoever it was. And I don't think you'll find them here," he gestured to the small house. "The only ones I smell here are human, other than you. In fact, I haven't met anyone else here in Phoenix. How long have you lived here?"

"Not very long."

"Well, where did you come from, then?"

"I move around a lot," I answered evasively.

"Heh. Well, Phoenix is my home. Born and died here," he grinned. "So I'd say that makes this  _my_  territory, not yours."

"You've got the rest of the city. You've no need for this small neighborhood."

"Maybe, maybe not. I give you this neighborhood today, what part of my city will you take tomorrow?"

"I told you, I move around a lot. I won't be staying, but I'd like it if you stayed away from here."

"You'd like it, would you?"

"That's right."

"And if I don't?" he asked belligerently.

"Then we'd have a problem." I glared at him.

"Big words, kid." He flexed his muscles and grinned at me.

I saw him remembering his human life, blurry images of fighting, of chasing people who ran from him. He'd enjoyed causing pain as a human and often made the deaths of his human victims painful now - when he was able to restrain himself enough. He was still newborn enough that his instincts to feed overpowered almost any other desire.

I felt a tingle of fear. The predator I'd killed in Seattle had been dangerous to the human women, but slow and weak compared to me. This monster was more like Emmett. If he decided to attack me, I'd have to be quick, or I'd end up in ashes.

When I didn't react to his threat, he considered me again.  _Cocky kid..._ "Why do you claim this neighborhood when it's this one house you visit? I haven't smelled you anywhere else. Were they your family or something?"

"Yeah," I agreed, easily. It was as good an explanation as any.

I heard the sound of an approaching engine and recognized the thoughts of the family inside. If they came home now, they'd see us.

"And they'll be home soon, so you should be on your way now."

"Hmm, no. I think I'd like to stay. Maybe say hi to mommy and daddy," he mocked me.

"You'll never touch them," I snarled at him. I couldn't let this innocent family suffer because of my obsession.

He laughed and began to stalk slowly toward me. It was his intention to intimidate me, force me to back away. He wanted me to run. He'd enjoyed chasing those who ran from him in his life. Watching the blurry images of him chasing young men, I saw him remember catching them, tackling them to the ground, hitting them into submission, and then... handcuffs?

Had he been a police officer? He'd used his position of power to hurt and even kill, trusting his status as a law enforcer to enable him to break laws with impunity. Feeling disgust for the monster, who'd been as much a monster while alive as he was now, I heard a growl building in my chest and bared my teeth at him.

Excited at my challenge, he rushed at me. Seeing his plan to grab me, I ducked down just as he neared me and knocked his feet out from under him. Grabbing his leg, I used his momentum to spin him around and slam him into the ground. He kicked me off of him and I flew through the air. He stood quickly and laughed, watching me land on my feet, dirt flying around me as I skidded to a stop. I rushed him next, grabbing his arm. He used my momentum that time and spun me around, flinging me through the air once again. I crashed into the house, breaking the bricks. The side of the house crumbled in with the force of my impact.

Furious at the damage done to my place of refuge, I launched myself at him, grabbing him by his neck and slamming him into the asphalt. He grabbed my arm and twisted and I had to roll off of him or risk losing it. I took hold of the arm that was latched onto me and flung him over me, twisting around with the motion and wrenching my arm free.

We circled each other and I felt his surprise. He'd expected to beat me easily, not having any previous interaction with another vampire. I was certain that I could not let him get his arms around me. With his newborn strength, he'd crush me easily. The only reason I'd been able to get away from him thus far was because he didn't realize his current strength was anything unusual.

I heard him planning his next move and acted to counter his attack. When he flung himself at me, I launched myself through the air at him and swung my foot at his head as hard as I could. I buried my foot in his face and we fell together, his body crumpled underneath me.

_Ugh, gross._

I stood and watched as Roger's body twitched on the ground at my feet. I nudged him with my toe, wondering if he was really dead. Though his head was nearly split in two, I knew that a vampire's body could recover from nearly any injury. The only way I could ensure his death was by turning him into ash. I couldn't burn him  _here,_ but I didn't dare turn my back on him. My lips curling in disgust, I grabbed his ruined head and wrenched it off of his shoulders, as I had with the predator I'd killed in Seattle. His body continued to twitch, but I didn't think it possible for him to recover now.

I couldn't stay there; the family was about to come home and find their house damaged. Feeling remorse over the damage my actions had caused to their house, I wrote a note of apology, blaming the damage on a car crash. I promised them that I would cover the costs to repair their house and left them the contents of my wallet, intending to withdraw enough from the bank the next day to more than pay for the repairs. I smoothed over the dirt where I'd left skid marks after he'd thrown me. I made sure there was no other visible evidence of our fight other than the broken wall of the house and then grabbed his corpse, picked his head back up and sped into the desert to burn him.

While I watched the vile smoke rising from his body, I examined my feelings. I'd felt sickened after killing the predator in Seattle – though I'd never even bothered to find out his name. This time, the vampire had attacked me. He'd been a monster in life and death, but I thought I should still feel remorse. Killing in self defense was still killing. Instead I felt numb. I felt the need to get back in touch with my lost humanity and wished I could go back to relax on their living room floor again, but I knew I couldn't return to the house for a while since they would probably have the police investigating.

I knew there had to be another way to connect with Bella and with my lost humanity. Wanting to see more of what her life had been like, I sought out her old high school. It was a huge group of buildings. I knew every person in Forks High School, partly due to my vampire recall – vampires remembered almost everything – but also because of how small our student body was. I guessed, based on the size of this school, that a single grade level had more students than our entire school.

I knew how Bella had hated to stand out and could easily imagine her trying to blend into the background here. If it hadn't been sunny, would the family of five vampires siblings have been able to blend in? I had a feeling we would have done a better job at it than she would have. Her radiance would have stood out and set her apart no matter where she went.

I walked among the buildings, peering through the windows. I saw a large auditorium, the stage set with benches, fake trees, and a backdrop of a country road; a gym with basketball hoops on one side and a volley ball net strung up across the other; a large pool with a high diving board. Breaking the chain that held the door shut, I let myself into the main building. Pacing slowly down the halls, running my hands along the lockers, I looked into every room I passed. There were rooms filled with computers; rooms with posters on the walls showing covers of books and advertisements for plays – I recognized Romeo and Juliet with a pang; rooms with walls filled with numbers and equations; rooms with maps and posters of historical figures; rooms with long tables and shelves full of laboratory equipment. I paused outside of what was obviously a biology room and pressed myself against the small window in the door.

Thinking back to those first days, I wondered if there was anything I could have done differently, if there had been any way to avoid the misery I was in now. Would it have been better to have stayed in Denali? If I had not returned to Forks after that first week away… I suddenly realized that Bella had been right. She  _was_  alive because of me. I had stopped the van from crushing her. I had stopped the gang of men from raping and murdering her. If I had stayed away, or if I had died in 1918 – as I used to wish so often that I had – then Bella would not now be alive.

For the first time I could remember, I was glad to exist. I had saved her life because I loved her. Saved her time and again. My love was keeping her alive still. By keeping myself and my family away from her, she was safe. I sat down at one of the picnic tables outside of the cafeteria and grappled with myself. I had hated my existence for so long. The only thing that had made my life bearable had been spending time with Bella, loving her and being loved by her. I hated being a vampire, a monster, a freak. She had made me feel human again, had awoken the man in me, and helped me to silence the monster. Everything else in my life was meaningless, she was all that mattered.

Once awoken, the human man in me refused to be put back to sleep. I ached, missing her. I wrapped my arms around my legs, wishing they were wrapped around her. I breathed in the scents of the desert air, but all I could smell was her sweet, floral scent: freesia, with a hint of strawberry. The only sound in my ears was the echo of her laughter. I looked up at the sky, but her melted chocolate eyes were all I could see. I ran my fingers over the wood of the table, feeling not the rough grain, but her silky hair, her smooth skin. I was breathing fast, gasping in pain, clenching my teeth together to avoid screaming. I missed her more every day and the thought of the next eighty years without her was too much to bear. I didn't know if I would be able to stand even one more day without her.

I went back to the small house and tried to regain the sense of peace her past had brought to me before. Trembling and gasping, I leaned against the house and searched for the strength to face the rest of my lonely, miserable life without her.

I had to admit to myself that, if I didn't seek out the ballet studio soon, I might spend the rest of my existence breaking into the small house where Bella had once lived. Tired of pacing the room, I wandered the hotel, anxious for the night to come. I would go visit the studio that night, I told myself firmly.

The hotel had a lounge and I went in, considering pretending to order something, just to pass the time. It was early in the afternoon and there wasn't anyone inside when I went in. I looked around, undecided. Then I spied a piano in the corner by the bar.

I felt drawn to it. It had been so long since I'd played, since I'd heard music at all. Not since listening to my CD on the night of Bella's party. I touched the keys, thinking sadly of how I used to play for her, how it always made her cry. I stroked the keys lightly, not pressing down, wishing she was there with me so I could play for her again.

"Do you play?"

I turned around, startled. A young man was watching me, smiling politely. He had on a uniform of the hotel staff and an apron. I guessed he worked at the bar. I'd been concentrating on Bella so hard I hadn't heard his thoughts when he entered the room. I heard him now, and was angered by the pity in them.

… _guy looks sick… tortured artists, pff… probably a junkie…_

I saw how I looked to him, my skin pale, my eyes black with thirst, dark purple rings underneath. My months of misery were evident on my face. I frowned at him, but didn't answer, then turned my back and looked at the keys again, trying to regain the feeling of her closeness the man had interrupted.

"Can I get you a menu?"

I shook my head.  _Not unless you serve mountain lion._

He gestured to the piano, "You're welcome to sit down if you want. As there's no one else here, I don't think anyone will mind."  _Even if all you can play is Mary Had a Little Lamb…_

When I didn't respond, he walked away and went about his business.

With a desolate longing, I sat at the piano and closed my eyes. I tried to imagine her there, sitting at a table, her chocolate eyes on me. I breathed deeply and smelled the scents of the desert again. I heard the man's mind as he occupied himself with his work, forgetting me when I didn't begin playing right away.

Without opening my eyes, I placed my fingers on the keys and played a scale, testing the tuning. I was unwilling to play on an inferior instrument. To my surprise, it sounded sweet, well cared for. Slowly, I began to play, a few easy, quiet tunes to start with, building up to the complex piece I had written for Esme. As the sound of the piano took over, I could feel Bella there beside me, her presence tangible, warm. One song blended into the next as I worked my way through the songs I had spent so many decades perfecting. I never opened my eyes, tuning out everything but the piano in front of me and the feel of her beside me. I had played often for Bella over the short rainy summer that was the only time my life had meant anything. The only song I avoided was the one I had written for Bella. I didn't think I could take playing her song again. But though I tried, I kept hearing her lullaby sneak into the pieces as my fingers danced over the keys.

I was brought out of my momentary relief from the all-consuming misery I'd been living in when I felt a light touch on my arm. Startled for the second time in one day, I jumped to my feet and the bench clattered to the floor behind me. I stared wild-eyed at the woman who stood in front of me. Her presence had been so real, I half expected to see Bella there, smiling at me, a faint blush on her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry to bother you. Um. We're closing up now…" the woman said with an apologetic smile.

I let out the breath I'd been holding, coming back to reality and looking around the room, shocked to find that I'd spent the entire day at the piano. It was well past midnight, the staff was ready to go home and I couldn't stay.

_Real human, Edward,_  I scolded myself. I'd been playing without stopping for hours. I knew that a human would have needed to take a break, eat and drink something, use the bathroom. Furious with myself for so completely loosing track of everything around me, I picked up the bench I had knocked over and set it back at the piano, then stalked out of the lounge.

The woman hurried to catch up with me.

"That was lovely."

I glanced at her, but didn't answer.

"How long have you been playing?"

I didn't think telling her I'd spent most of the past eighty years playing was a good idea, so I ignored her, hoping she'd take the hint and leave me alone.

She hurried around to stand in front of me and held out her hand. "Hi. I'm Caroline."

"Leave me be, Caroline." I had no intention of shaking her hand and wasn't interested in conversation. I wanted to go to the dance studio, to try to track Victoria.

"So you  _can_  speak!" she said tauntingly.

I inhaled slowly and raised my eyes to the ceiling, trying to figure out how to keep this infuriating human from bothering me.  _Shall I dispose of her?_  the monster within me asked. Fighting him back, I looked at her again.

"What do you want?" I snarled at her.

She paled, but spoke, determined to ignore my rude behavior. "I just thought that… you might like the dinner I made for you. You know, since you more than paid for it tonight." Her smile was kind, motherly, and reminded me of Esme. She held out a styrofoam container to me. "Please? Take it?"

My mouth formed a hard line and I scowled at her, but she stood her ground. She was thinking of her son. She had lost him to drugs and was concerned for me. Toward the end, he had looked much as I did now; pale and angry. Slowly, the hard look left my face and I looked at the box she was holding. Reluctantly, I took it from her. It smelled disgusting, burnt and soggy.

"Thanks," I mumbled and continued to make my way out to my car.

"Will you be back tomorrow?" she called after me.

I didn't answer, was not sure how to answer. As soon as I was out of her sight, I disposed of the food she'd given to me in a trash can. I didn't think loosing myself in the piano everyday was a good idea. It wasn't a good way to remain inconspicuous for one thing. For another, the pain I felt now was amplified. As though my suffering had been saved up all day and was unleashed on me now in full force. Her presence had been so real, I felt Bella's absence with a fresh ache. I groaned, missing Bella more now than I had before. My knees gave out and I doubled over, retching. If I'd been human, I would have gotten sick, but I hadn't fed in so long there was nothing in my stomach, anyway. When I was able to stand again, I had to lean against the wall to stay upright. Finally reaching my car, I collapsed in the driver's seat, trembling, breathing fast, feeling waves of fire and ice scorch through me.

No. I would not be back to play.

Eventually, I regained control of myself and started my car, intending to drive to the dance studio. Then I considered the time of night and how little time I would have before the sun came up. I changed my mind and drove out into the desert instead, using my car's GPS to navigate to a local park so I could hunt. I knew there were coyotes around and I hadn't hunted since I'd left Alaska. Even if I didn't make it out of the desert before sunrise I wasn't likely to run into any people who could see me. I had my hat, sunglasses and gloves in the car, just in case. Plus seeing Phoenix at night was one thing. I wanted to experience the city in the light of day. To see it as Bella would have.

A couple of coyotes later, I watched the sun rise over the valley. I watched in awe as the beauty of the desert unfolded before me. The rising sun lit each individual needle on the cactuses, making them seem almost like brightly lit Christmas trees. The shadows where the sun had yet to reach contained hidden secrets, the animal life in their burrows, the scraggly plants that blended into the brown rocks and dirt. The mountains around me sprang into vivid relief in shades of unexpected red, orange, and yellow. The flowers stood out in bright contrast, the pinks and purples so different from the brown and green that surrounded them.

I had loved soaking up the sun in our meadow, enjoying how the sun changed the way the flowers looked, how I could almost hear the plants growing, reaching for the sun, and how the sun had made everything smell more alive. I could see the way the sun kissed Bella's hair and skin and made her, too, smell so deliciously alive. I breathed deeply and tried to imagine the way she would have smelled to me if she were there beside me now. How the dry crispness of the desert would have lifted her floral scent, how the sun would warm her aroma, intensifying it, making Bella smell so much more like herself. Phoenix was her home and I could sense her in every cactus flower, every gust of wind, in the dry heat, and the endless sky.

I lay back on the ground, stretched my legs out, put my hands behind my head, and lifted my face to the sky. I closed my eyes and spent the day letting the sun bake into me. Even at the end of January, it was warmer in Phoenix than Forks' average temperature. When the wind blew warm over my skin, I could almost imagine it was her gentle, curious touch.

When the sun sank low enough that I could hide in the shadows, I made my way to a bank to withdraw money for the family. They were home when I got back to the house, and their thoughts were unhappy ones. Full of worry. I had the cash wrapped in a brown paper bag and I sped to their door, knocked quickly and left the bag on the doorstep before sprinting away. I watched from where they couldn't see me to make sure they found the money and felt their astonished relief.

Happy that I could at least make up in some small part for my deeds, I finally made my way to the dance studio. As soon as I saw it, I realized why I had been unconsciously putting it off. The sight of the burned building was a painful reminder of the damage my carelessness had caused Bella. She had suffered because of me; was  _still_  suffering because of me, as Alice's visions had shown me. I had known at the time that the nomads were near, yet I had decided to take Bella out to the middle of nowhere to watch my family play a game. If I had not, James would never have chased her and I would not now be chasing Victoria.

I considered the burned building in front of me. It had been nearly a year since we had burned the studio to the ground. I had expected to see a new building in its place.

_Why didn't they rebuild?_  I wondered. Needing some answers, I went into the store across the street from the studio. It was full of wind chimes and water fountains, the walls were covered with art – paintings, metal sculptures, and homey signs – and the shelves were filled with glassware and dishes depicting birds of every type.

There was a woman behind the counter, reading a magazine. Doing my best to smile politely, I walked up to her.

"Ah, excuse me?" I said, drawing her attention away from her magazine. My anxiety made my voice rough.

She looked up, startled. She hadn't heard me come in. "Hi. Can I help you find something?" she eyed me warily, gesturing to the display racks behind me.

"Thank you, no. I was just wondering if you could tell me… what happened to the building across the street?"

"Someone burned it down," she shrugged.

_Could she be any less helpful?_  I frowned, annoyed, and turned away from her to consider the building again.

_Why is he so interested in a ballet studio?_

"Did you have a daughter you were hoping to enroll?" the woman asked me. She was wondering what I was doing staring at the ruined building, growing suspicious of my strange behavior.

_Enroll?_ I glanced at her, wondering what she meant.

She nodded in the direction of the studio.

_Oh._ "Ah, no. My… sister. Alice. She loves to dance."

"Oh, that's too bad. I don't think they're going to rebuild again."

"Again?"

"Yeah. This is the third time. My cousin owned the studio. Some hoodlums burned it down last year. She was in the process of rebuilding when… well, they say it was an electrical fire, but now, just a month after she reopened, someone burned it down again," she explained, shaking her head. Her thoughts continued,  _I don't think she'll be able to convince the insurance company to foot the bill for a forth studio. They found traces of gasoline this time and are trying to accuse her of starting the fires._

I was staggered. Someone kept burning the place down. I felt certain that it was Victoria. Carlisle had been right about their relationship. She  _was_  mourning James and seemed unwilling to let the place where he died be put to use by the humans. I wondered why that was; most coven members were together mostly for convenience. Laurent had been quick enough to leave them.

"How long ago was the last time?" I demanded, taking a few steps toward her.

She took a step back and I felt an icy thrill of fear in her mind. I saw how I suddenly appeared to her and knew that I looked exactly like what I was. Someone dangerous. A predator. I took a step back and tried to smile, but the expression was forced, fake, and she could tell.

"Um, about three weeks…" she stared at me, wide-eyed.

I snarled. _Three weeks. During the time I had been in Seattle looking for Victoria, here she was burning the studio to the ground! If I had just come here right away instead of stalking Bella's past, I might have caught her by now._

If there was one good thing about such a sunny city, it was that there hadn't been any rain to wash her traces away. It was possible I could still find something. I left the frightened woman standing behind the counter staring after me and walked across the street to inspect the building's remains for any scent, any sign that might be left.


	10. Bloodhound

  **Bloodhound**

I walked slowly through the remains of the burned building. Breathing deeply through my mouth and nose, I was on the alert for anything unusual. The smell of burned wood was strong, pungent. The added scents of fresh paint and varnish that mixed with warped metal and melted plastic were all to be expected. A chemical smell, sharp and caustic: gasoline. As I looked at the bones of the building, exposed as they were without the walls or roof, I could tell that the structure was different from the last time.

At last, when I reached the middle of the main room, I caught a whiff of something else. It was an icy, toxic smell, like something poisonous was frozen in the ashes. I knelt down and brushed my fingers through the charred bits of wood. The remains were unmistakable. A vampire had died here. And it wasn’t James. This was from the burning of three weeks ago. Did she come here with another vampire? Or was it Victoria herself?

I drifted around the outside of the building, both smelling and tasting the air, trying to catch a hint of Victoria’s scent. _There!_ A trace of a half-remembered scent, but there and recognizable. Victoria had been here. I was certain of it. I started to walk down the street, still tracing the elusive scent when I wondered if I was following her scent as she went _to_ the studio, or _from_. I noted where I had first found her scent and continued to circle the building, seeing if I could find a second trail. I was looking for either another of Victoria – one should be her path there and the other her path away – or a second vampire.

Finally, at the rear of the building, I found what I’d been looking for. Victoria and another vampire. Or was it two others? The scents were complicated, confusing, and at over three weeks old barely perceptible. The humans had been all over the area; their scents were newer and disturbed the ones I was searching for. I squatted down and ran my fingers through the grass, trying to bring any traces into the air. As I worked my way through the area, I began to get a clearer picture of the occurrences. When I found another trail, not Victoria this time, I felt certain that she and two others had come here together, then killed one and burned the studio down. She went one way and the other vampire went another. The other vampire wasn’t important. It was Victoria I was chasing.

I returned to the first trail I had found and started to follow it down the street. I had followed her for several blocks when the scent disappeared. It didn’t fade away, it was just gone, vanished. I walked slowly around the area, touching the sidewalk and the brick walls, tasting the air, but there was nothing. I looked up at the buildings, thinking, trying to figure out where she could have gone. I glanced around to see if anyone was watching, listening with my mind for anyone I might not be able to see, then scaled the building up to the rooftop.

_Hah!_ I thought triumphantly, _Found her!_ She had left the street and was using the roofs to travel on. Her scent was no longer alone, though, as I detected a human with her. I guessed that was why she had left the street; if she had grabbed a human to kill and was hauling him off to feed in private, the street was not a good place for her to travel. I followed her over several miles, jumping from roof to roof, when her scent went inside of an old, abandoned office building. The door leading inside had been pulled off of its hinges and hung askew. I went inside warily, certain based on the age of the scent that she hadn’t been here recently, but feeling a bit of caution was a good thing nonetheless.

I trailed her to a room where it was evident that she had spent several days. Touching the floor and reading the patterns in the disturbed dust, I saw what looked like a human outline. Breathing deeply, I tried to make sense of the conflicting odors. Victoria had been here, along with the human and… yet another vampire? Or, had she brought the human here, not to feed, but to change? The predator in Seattle had said she was looking for vampires to help her. She had been at the studio with another vampire that was now dead, and here I had found evidence that she’d created yet another vampire.

I crouched in the middle of the room for a long time, trying to see a pattern or a sense of reason out of what my senses were telling me. Maybe she wasn’t mourning James, maybe she sought to replace him? Perhaps the one she killed was not suitable to her for some reason, so she disposed of them. Whatever the case, she and the new vampire had left the building together, so I continued to follow her, back out to the street level this time. Frustrated by the lightening of the sky that indicated sunrise was not far off, I ran back to my car and drove back to the hotel.

Once there, I used the business center’s internet to look for any unsolved homicides or disappearances in Phoenix over the past year. There were far too many. I cringed thinking of the trouble Bella could have gotten in to, wondering how she had managed to survive seventeen years in this city. Well, she was in Forks now, alive and… well maybe not happy yet, but alive, and she had promised to keep herself safe.

I narrowed my search to the past two months, noticing that the frequency of the deaths increased with her arrival in the city. Newborns had to feed often, and if she had a newborn with her, it only made sense that there would be many more deaths. I nearly crushed the mouse thinking about this. What it would have meant if I had given into Bella’s requests to be changed. These deaths would have been her doing. No, they would have been _mine_ for allowing it to happen. I shook my head furiously.

Why had she been so unwilling to see? To understand? She knew how close I had come to killing her on more than one occasion. Did she think that she would be able to resist? Had she thought it was really so easy? I’d tried to make it clear just how difficult it had been.

Angry, I pushed myself away from the computer and began pacing the hotel again, thinking, waiting impatiently for night to come.

When at last I could make my way back to where I had stopped tracking Victoria that morning, I was determined not to allow myself to be distracted by the lure of Bella’s past again. I had to find Victoria. My misery was nothing compared to Bella’s safety and her future was in danger. Victoria was the key and I was only a few weeks behind her. I had to be quick and only had the limited night to search in.

I found where I had left off easily, using my own scent as much as Victoria and the newborn’s. I continued to follow their trail, pausing when I detected the trace of blood on the sidewalk. I guessed the newborn had made his first kill here and tried to match the time and location to the list of missing and dead I had gathered from the internet during my day of research. They continued on, heading in an almost straight line through the city. I found several more places where I thought they had killed before their scents disappeared suddenly.

Remembering the last time I had lost her, I tried the rooftop again and was rewarded with two distinct trails. One went inside and another crossed to the edge of the roof. I hesitated, then followed the trail inside, finding a room where I guessed they had spent the day. Then I hurried back to the edge where I jumped to the next roof, finding her there again. Pleased with my success, I trailed them across the roofs, then lost the trail abruptly. I circled until I found where they had left the roof to travel on the street, discovering more traces of blood.

I traced them through the city, noting that their nearly straight path never deviated except to kill. When I reached the edge of the city I stopped, surprised that their path continued on into the desert. The sun was coming up and I hesitated to continue. Newborns needed to feed. Why were they leaving a city full of people to go into the sparsely populated desert? Considering the path they had taken, I thought she must be going someplace specific. She’d headed in a southeasterly direction with almost single minded focus. Tracking her scent through the city was one thing. Finding her in the ever shifting desert sands was another.

Running at top speed back to my car, I kept alert for any humans along the way. The sun was up and I would attract far too much attention if anyone were able to see me. When I got back to the hotel, I immediately went to the business center to do some more research. I brought up a map of Phoenix and marked all of the places where they had killed, tracing their path along the map. When I got to the edge of Phoenix, where their paths had taken them out of the city, I brought up a map of the surrounding area and extended the line from Phoenix out across the neighboring states.

Next I used what I knew of newborns and the dates I had as a reference and searched for any deaths or disappearances along the line I had drawn. Almost like an arrow, they popped up. Two hikers disappeared in Superstition Mountains. Three people outside of San Carlos that same day, murdered in what was believed to be a gang related issue. No new leads. A couple discovered dead inside of their home two days later in Three Way. Five dead outside of a Silver City bar the next day. The following week saw a spike in homicides in El Paso.

I followed their bloody trail across the map until I reached Houston. I searched the records for any unexplained deaths or disappearances into Louisiana, south into Mexico, north to Dallas. Though there were some deaths – people died every day, it was to be expected – there was nothing that seemed to match her pattern. I stared for a minute at the map. If I was right, she had gone to Houston. Maybe she was still there, but if not, I had gone as far as Phoenix was going to take me. It was time to move on.

I paced the hotel and considered the problem Texas presented. I happened to know of a vampire who claimed the state as her own private hunting grounds. One who would not appreciate poachers. Maria, the vampire who had created Jasper. She was not happy with his defection from her family. She had come to visit us once when we’d lived in Calgary. We’d had to leave the city quickly; it hadn’t been pretty.

The records of deaths I’d found online had helped me track Victoria through Phoenix and into Houston. I decided I should be able to do the same thing to narrow down where Maria’s coven could be found. The humans kept such meticulous records of their lives and deaths. Maria had held Texas and much of Mexico for so long that it was essential for her to keep moving to avoid them detecting her presence. I returned to the business center to look up the death and disappearance records of Houston and the surrounding cities.

Ignoring the humans who were already using the small room, I began my search using our move from Calgary as my starting point. I spent several hours printing out the records of all the big cities Maria had been known to hunt. One thing about those who killed humans, there was no escaping the evidence of their presence if they stayed in one place for any length of time. For this reason, most vampires were nomads. Continually moving around, spreading their kills all over would hide their activities, making the deaths seem like the work of random human killers, rather than the feeding habits of a single monster. Or group of monsters, as in the case of Maria’s coven.

Keeping a large group fed and keeping those feeding habits from human notice was harder than hiding a single hunter’s habits, but keeping a coven allowed Maria to claim the territory for herself. On her own, it would be too easy for another ambitious vampire to covet her cities and take them from her.

One of the humans using the business center alongside me had been printing as well. When he stopped to retrieve his papers, he also picked up some of mine. I had dismissed the humans from my thoughts as soon as I sat down, but was suddenly aware of his scrutiny. Taking my eyes from the screen I had been focused on, I met his gaze, my dark gold eyes boring into his pale brown ones. With a shaky hand, he held out the papers showing newspaper clippings of the deaths I'd been tracking, words like 'murder', 'killing', and 'deaths' seeming to jump out from the page.I hid my smile, enjoying the fact that he was frightened of me, and took my papers from him.

“Thanks,” I said, casually, and returned my gaze to the screen. He continued to watch me and was pondering calling the authorities. I turned back to him and faked a smile, hiding my teeth. “College project,” I explained. “Criminal justice is fascinating, don’t you agree?”

He nodded and decided to accept my explanation, whether he believed it or not. In a hurry, he gathered his papers and left the room, glancing over his shoulder at me, relieved to see me still sitting in the same place.

I chuckled to myself.

Once I was done with the research, it was time to piece together the puzzle. With two years worth of death records covering most of Texas, I decided I needed more space than the business center, or even my room, could provide. I went to the front desk and forced my face to form a polite smile. Remembering how Bella had accused me of dazzling people, I pitched my voice low and spoke to the front desk worker.

“Hello, I wonder if you could do me a favor?”

_Um, wow. Oh, wow._ “Sure,” she giggled.

"I have some research I'm doing and I wondered if I could use a conference room." I held up the large stack of papers in my hands.

"Well, they usually require advanced booking," she demurred. "And they're for groups..."

Frowning, I pressed her, "I promise not to disturb anything, and of course I'll pay for the time I'm there." Trying to will her into allowing me to use the space, I stared hard into her shallow blue eyes as they widened and her heart sped up.

 “Um…” _oh my gosh ohmygoshohmygosh_ “Let me, um…” She looked away from me and I felt myself almost grin. She began typing on her computer, glancing up at me occasionally.

I had found long ago that people were easy to manipulate, if I tried not to be scary. Before Bella, I had never given it much thought, but in trying to dazzle her, I’d learned just how to use my vampire beauty to my advantage. The humans were attracted to us, but after that initial attraction, their feelings usually morphed into an unnamed fear. In seeming more human for Bella, I had lost the atmosphere of menace that usually surrounded me. It had been annoying. All of the females I had interacted with had dismissed her immediately, incapable of seeing the soft perfection of the angel I was with. The women were mesmerized by my beauty without any of the fear I was used to them feeling. They had fantasized about me and wondered how they might replace her. As if any of them could.

Now though, my long months away from her had given me a new edge. I looked dangerous again, my misery making me seem fierce, my foul mood warning people to keep their distance. The woman from the lounge had been seduced by my music and the loss of her son had given her the courage to approach me, but the majority of humans avoided me. Like the woman in the bird store and the man in the business center, they feared me, and rightly so. I had unleashed the full power of my persuasiveness along with the force of my menacing demeanor on the clerk. I had no doubt that she would find a place for me to work.

She handed me a key card. “Conference room three is available.” She was blushing, her thoughts still whirling and her pulse racing.

“Thanks,” I said, smirking in satisfaction, and picked the location of the room from her mind.

A mature vampire’s kills were not as easy to identify as a newborn’s. They were able to hide their victims easier, making them look less like kills and more like accidents or illness. An otherwise healthy young man died of a heart attack. Campers drown while swimming in a lake. Or they disappeared altogether. A car crashed into a tree at midnight. Did the driver fall asleep, or had they been attacked by a vampire? There was no way to be sure.

After their transformation, a newborn vampire is ravenous, with an insatiable need for blood. Their bodies are suddenly infused with immeasurable strength and speed. This, combined with a lack of self control, would often lead to more flagrant deaths. Someone stabbed dozens of times while being mugged in a park. Multiple violent deaths often blamed on gang activity or drugs. A convenience store robbery turned fatal, with the clerks and patrons alike being killed. Or they would blame the attacks on animals.

Spreading all of my papers out on the long tables, I organized my findings, grouping the deaths by location, time, and cause of death. Eventually, I was able to piece together her movements. Maria had spent a few months in Dallas, then she’d moved to Fort Worth. She’d spent half a year in San Antonio before moving back to Dallas, and then on to Houston. There were gaps in the pattern I’d found and I guessed she had left Texas for Mexico, or spread her kills among smaller cities and towns. Due to the recent increase of deaths in Houston over the past two months, I felt certain that she was indeed using that city as her current home.

With Maria’s activities, I couldn’t be sure any deaths were specifically Victoria’s kills, but her path had led her straight there. My mind made up, I went back to my room to gather my things.

After I finished packing, I sat on the bed and turned my phone around and around in my hands. It had been almost two months since I’d left Alaska and I hadn’t spoken with any of my family since, though they continued to call nearly every day. I was loathe to call them, but I felt I needed Jasper’s advice. I remembered what Carlisle had said about Jasper and knew he’d been right; it would make Jasper feel better if I let him help me.

I dialed his number, held my breath and hit send. He answered on the first ring.

“Edward?”

“Hey, Jazz.” I managed to keep my voice steady.

Astonished silence.

“How – ah – where are you? Have you had any luck with Victoria?”

“Has Alice?” I countered before I could stop myself. “Has she seen any changes? In her visions of – of Victoria?”

We both knew what I was really asking.

“No,” he said softly. “She still sees her future disappearing.”

I paused a moment to let that sink in. I considered running my theories past him, but couldn’t bring myself to say Bella’s name.

“I think I’ve tracked her as far as Houston.” I said abruptly.

“Houston?” he asked, surprised. And then, “Maria.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “As far as I can tell, Maria is in Houston, too. She would know if Victoria was hunting there.”

“Without a doubt. And I don’t think she’d take too kindly to it.”

_No, I didn’t think so, either._

“Do you know where I could find her?” I asked him.

“Edward, I haven’t been in touch with Maria since we left Calgary.”

“No, I know that, but…” I wasn’t sure how to phrase my question. “I’m going to go to Houston. If Victoria is there, and Maria knows about it, she could help me find her.”

“If she were willing,” he said, hesitantly. “She’s probably not going to be cooperative. You’re my brother and… well. She’s got quite a temper. She’d be as likely to outright attack you just for being associated with me as she would be to stop and answer your questions.”

I sighed, remembering Calgary, and was sure he was right. Well, I didn’t necessarily have to contact her to get what I wanted. If I knew where she was, I could always just watch and listen.

“She’s stealthy, Edward. I know what you’re thinking. You don’t have much chance of sneaking up on her. Maria will see you coming and your attempt at subterfuge will only infuriate her.”

I ground my teeth together and growled, forcing myself to admit he was right again. Maria was several hundred years old, older even than Carlisle. She had held a large area of the human population as her own hunting grounds for a very long time, defending them from other vampires with much success. Jasper had been instrumental to her victories, but she had been the one calling the shots. Maria was a skilled strategist and a fierce fighter. Unlike the predator I had killed in Seattle, I had little chance of winning a fight against her. Much less her entire coven.

“Well, what do you suggest, then?”

He was silent for a minute. I waited, trying to contain my patience while he thought the problem over.

“I think your only real chance,” he finally said, “is to be up front with her. If she catches you sneaking around the city, she’ll have you torn apart before you hear her coming. She knows you, Edward, so she knows you can read minds and will act to disguise her thoughts. However, she also knows you don’t drink human blood, so she might not be as… territorial as she would be otherwise. She still has a coven at her disposal, so you are more likely to run into one of them than you are to her.

 “I can give you the details of places she’s stayed in the past,” he continued. “Hunt before you get anywhere near the city. When you get there, don’t delay, head right to seek her out. If you do run across her coven, you could try talking to them instead, in fact you’d probably be better off asking them for information. But stay alert; if you detect any signs of hostility, run. I know how fast you are. You won’t be able to take her coven down, but you should be able to outrun them.”

I nodded, glad I’d called him.

Then he gave me the details of the places where she’d frequented in the past. He included every place he’d known her to use, describing what signs to look for, the average size of her coven when he’d known her, and any hunting patterns she’d followed. He ended by cautioning me to be extremely careful.

 “Thanks, Jasper,” I said, quietly.

“Anytime, Edward,” he returned.

I opened my mouth to say goodbye, but he stopped me by asking, “Listen, I have a question I need to ask you.”

“Yeah?” I asked, warily.

“While you’ve been tracking Victoria, have you run into Laurent?”

“Laurent?” I repeated, surprised.

“Yes. Irina said he had some business to take care of a couple weeks back and hasn’t heard from him since. I thought… since you’ve been looking for Victoria, maybe…”

“No,” I cut him off. “I haven’t seen him, myself. I did run into a vampire in Seattle who had, but he said he’d seen him with Irina, so she probably has more recent knowledge of him than I do.”

“Hmm. Seattle. Hmm.” He paused for a moment, then spoke again, “It’s really good to hear from you.”

I grimaced, “Yeah. You, too.”

I could tell he wanted to say something else, so I closed the phone, ending the conversation. I sat on the bed for an hour, going over all the details Jasper had shared with me, considering how Victoria would have dealt with Maria and her coven, especially with a newborn in tow.

Then I returned to the front desk to check out.

Although I had hunted a couple of nights previous, I had not even come close to making up for the months I had gone without feeding. Keeping in mind Jasper’s advice, I drove into Superstition Mountains to hunt. I spent two days gorging myself on every large animal I could find. I killed deer, big horn sheep, coyotes, and even a mountain lion I was lucky enough to catch as he was stalking his own prey. Swimming with blood, my eyes now a very light gold, I drove out of the mountains and sped toward Houston.


	11. Old Friends

**Old Friends**

On the outskirts of Houston, set far back where it couldn’t be seen from the road, was an old barn. Even if I hadn’t known it to be used as a resting place for one of the most dangerous vampires I knew, the barn would have looked uninviting. There was an aura of malevolence that seemed to surround the place. It must have been over a hundred years old, the door dangled from one hinge, the paint was a faded red, and the windows were cracked and black with grime.

Before entering Houston, I had bought several new outfits and shoes, hoping the new clothes would help to mask my scent. Though I doubted it would make much difference, I was willing to try anything to help in my search for Victoria. I didn’t want to be found; _I_ wanted to find _them_. I had searched the places Jasper had told me about, but none of her previous locations had been in use recently. Due to the size of her coven, the ever changing members, and their volatile natures, Maria had tended to avoid living too close to humans. Her homes were often large, abandoned houses, condemned by the humans as uninhabitable. Or old mines, no longer worked by the humans, but with plenty of room for a dozen or more vampires. Or, as now, old barns.

Not wanting to be caught in the city itself, I had been working my way around the city’s edges after checking Maria’s old haunts. The barn I watched now was surrounded by the scents of many vampires. I was unable to distinguish how many were in her coven, nor could I tell if any of them were Victoria or her newborn companion. I had been watching the barn for an hour, waiting to see if it was empty or if any of her coven had remained behind. There were no signs of life,  no movements, no thoughts.

Weighing my choices, I wavered between waiting for someone to come home and just going right inside to wait for them there. Jasper had told me to be up front with her. If I waited, it was likely that one of them would run across my scent. Finding me there hiding in the tree line was probably not a good way to win their cooperation, but entering the barn they were living in would place me in their power without an easy exit.

I finally decided not to enter the barn, but to wait right out front where I would be clearly visible, yet still able to get away if I needed to. I stood in front of the barn without moving until it was nearly morning. I heard them before I saw them. Returning from a night of hunting, their thoughts were focused on memories of the people they had killed. Clenching my fists and trying to remain calm, I watched through the eyes of several vampires as they relived the night’s hunt.

Two of them had teamed up to decimate an entire family, using the human’s weapons to make it seem as though one of them had killed the others and then himself.

One had stolen into a farm house and taken a child from its bed. He preferred the young, believing their blood to be stronger, sweeter. He’d hidden the child’s body well. The parents would wake to find their child gone, never to know what had really happened.

Three had gone separately into the city’s downtown to stage robberies.

Two more had joined forces to cause a traffic accident, killing all five of the humans in the cars involved.

Maria had tight control over her coven. Despite their young ages, none of these vampires had committed murders this night that would be questioned as other than human or accidental causes.

They stopped in surprise when they saw me standing in front of their barn. Fanning out, spreading their numbers across the field to surround me, they approached warily while I waited, listening.

_Who is that?_ one wondered with interest.

_Oh goody, a vampire with a death wish…_ another thought, eagerly anticipating fighting me.

_Maria will not be happy about this… more vampires_ …one grumbled. _Why are all these vampires coming here?_

With a thrill of excitement, I saw him remember a visit from a red headed vampire not long ago. He hadn’t known her, but Maria had spent several days talking to the stranger before she had moved on.

As they stalked closer, I forced myself to remain calm, to wait for them to approach me before beginning the conversation. I kept my mind open, listening for any that might have remained hidden in the trees.  There were three, keeping out of sight, ready to stop me if I tried to flee, ready to jump in if I tried to fight.

“Hello,” I said, pleasantly. “My name is Edward Cullen. I’m a friend of Maria’s. Do you have any idea where I might find her?”

None of their minds pictured where she could be found. It seemed she was out hunting and would return when she was done. That was all they knew.

“Well, hello, Edward,” purred one of the females, sauntering toward me. “I’m Claire. This is Brad, Mitch, Tori, Warren, and Kent.”

I nodded to them, meeting each of their vivid red eyes, seeing them react to the light golden color of mine.

_He smells like a vampire… Why aren’t his eyes red?_

_Cullen? Where do I know that name from…_

_What’s with the yellow eyes?_

“It’s nice to meet you all,” I said, trying to sound casual.

“So you and Maria are friends, huh?” Claire asked, continuing to walk slowly toward me, her hips swinging in an exaggerated movement. Her eyes were a vivid, disturbing shade of red, a color her wide lips matched. She was tall, with short, blond hair, and a full figure. Her matching eyes and mouth, along with her pale skin and hair seemed unusually creepy to me. This was a vampire who used her seductive powers to hunt, much as Tanya and her family had once done. More so than any of the other vampires surrounding me, I felt that she was dangerous. Her mind was full of doubt, as though she distrusted what I had told her. My instincts were telling me to run, my muscles were tense and my venom flowing freely as my body anticipated a fight.

“Yes, that’s right,” I answered her.

“Were you a member of her coven?” she probed for information.

“Not I. My brother was, though. I know her through him.”

“Hmmm.” She stopped a few feet away from me, studying my face, my posture, sniffing the air, learning my scent. “What do you want, Edward? Why have you come here? For I doubt very much that this is a social visit.”

I smiled slightly. “I’m looking for someone. Her name is Victoria. I believe she’s come to Houston. I know this is Maria’s territory, and that of her coven,” I nodded to them, trying to be respectful. If I offended them, they’d be less likely to help me. “I was hoping that you would know where she is, or that Maria could tell me, if she knew.”

“And what do you want with this Victoria?” _He’s chasing a girl across the country?_ Her thoughts remained doubtful.

“She has… information that I need.” This was close enough to the truth.

“Oh? What kind of information?”

I chuckled softly, “It’s complicated. Suffice it to say that I need to talk to her.”

“Hmmm,” she said again. “I’m afraid without knowing just what it is you’re looking for, I can’t let you bother Maria. It’s more than your life is worth to deal with her wrath.”

I scoffed. That statement was more true than she could realize. My life was worthless.

“Why are you so interested in her?” she persisted. As we talked, the others crept closer, closing me in their circle with the barn at my back.

“I told you, she has information I need.”

“Why don’t you tell me what information you’re looking for? Perhaps I can help you,” she offered.

I sighed in frustration, forcing myself to remain calm. I had no intention of telling these blood thirsty vampires about my Bella. How much of the truth could I get away with? What kind of a lie would they believe? I decided to evade the question altogether.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can. This is something only she can help me with. Please, I need to know where Victoria is,” I repeated, stubbornly. “Of course, if any of you knew, then I would have no reason to bother Maria at all. If you would be willing to tell me, I’ll be on my way and will trouble you no more.” I spoke with a steady voice, infusing it with all of the persuasive passion I had learned how to use when getting Bella to open up to me.

She glanced at one of the others, seeming to want to tell me, but looking for their opinion. He shrugged, so she turned back to me, studying me while considering my request. With a thrill, I saw her recalling her conversation with Maria about the stranger.

_“Who is she?”_ Claire had asked, suspicious of the vicious stranger _._

_“Ah, Victoria and I are old friends,”_ Maria had said with a smile _._

_“Old friends?”_ she had probed, cautiously. Maria was volatile and quick to anger. The members of her coven had all felt her displeasure at one time or another and none had a desire for a repeat of the experience.

_“Mmm. Her coven was destroyed several centuries ago. I’ve told you what happens to those who do not follow the rules, yes?”_

Claire had nodded, her eyes wide.

_“Victoria has a very strong survival instinct. It has kept her alive for a long time. The others of her coven were not so lucky.”_ She nodded, significantly _. “She was alone when she came to this country. We joined forces for a while, but she moved on. Like I said,”_ she laughed, a startlingly childlike sound, making her seem almost sweet. _“She’s a survivor.”_

_“So why is she here now?”_

_“Vengeance,”_ she whispered, her eyes wide, her expression delighted.

I felt an icy tingle of fear at this. Who else would she want vengeance against but me and my family? I had killed James, or rather my brothers had, but it was my doing. While I was hunting her, was she also hunting ways to kill me? The size of my family made us a formidable enemy. With her apparent survival instincts, she would surely know that she would be unable to defeat our entire family. But I was not with them now.

_“Against who?”_ Claire had wondered, excited.

_“A mutual acquaintance.”_ Maria shrugged, indifferently. Claire didn’t probe further, knowing Maria would not name her quarry.

No. Oh, no. This was bad. Was she leading me into a trap the way James had lead me away from Bella? I thought I had been hunting Victoria. Or was it now she, who was hunting me?

_“What are her plans?”_ Claire had asked enthusiastically, wanting to hear about vampire vengeance. _“How does she plan to do it?”_

Maria had shrugged at this. _“I don’t know. We didn’t go into specifics.”_

Claire was disappointed, but her disappointment was nothing compared to what I felt. I _needed_ to know what Victoria had planned!

_“Well you two spent a lot of time talking about_ something _. If it wasn’t vengeance, what was it then?”_

_“Oh this and that, a bit of history, talking about old times,”_ and Maria had laughed loudly at this. I felt Claire’s remembered curiosity and her urge to beg Maria for more information.

_“Enough,”_ Maria had cut her off. _“Victoria’s business is none of your concern. She’s leaving tomorrow anyway. Now leave me alone. We’re going hunting. And remember what I told you about staying out of the human’s sight. You don’t want to end up like Darryl, do you?”_ she had fixed Claire with a stern stare.

_“No, Maria,”_ Claire had answered quietly, and I saw flickers of her remembering other vampires burning.

This last memory seemed to decide her.

“Why don’t you come inside to wait. I’m sure Maria will want to talk to you when she returns.” 

I had no choice. If I was going to find out where Victoria went, I needed their cooperation. And if I refused, the others were looking forward to ripping me apart.

“Thank you,” I said, trying to sound sincere.

One of the others – Kent – went inside first. I followed, Claire close on my heals, with the others right behind her. Kent positioned himself by the door opposite the side where we came in. Mitch leaned against the door we had used. The rest gathered together to discuss the night’s hunt – and to watch while Claire and I talked further. I heard them bragging over their kills, comparing who had killed more brutally, who had been inconspicuous, and who had fed on more people. My stomach clenched at their blood lust. I wanted to end every one of their lives, but I was outnumbered; if they had not had newborn strength, I still would never have been able to kill this coven by myself.

She gestured up to the loft and I ascended, seating myself along the ledge, letting my legs dangle over the side. She copied my posture, sitting beside me and smiling at me. We were so close our shoulders were almost touching and I resisted the urge to move away from her. She was curious, wanting more information about me, but also hoping to gain more information on Victoria. I could hear more of the coven entering the barn as I leaned slightly away from her and tried to control my nerves.

“So, Edward, how do you know Victoria?” Claire began.

“We met about a year ago,” I answered simply.

“And? Do you go chasing every vampire girl that you meet? Will I need to expect a visit from you myself in a year or so?” she winked at me with a laugh.

I grimaced, embarrassed. “No. I found out that she knows something… something that will help me solve a problem.”

“What kind of problem?” she persisted.

I sighed. “You are relentless, aren’t you?”

She laughed, a trilling, melodic sound. “Maria expects thoroughness. She’ll know you’ve been here and it’s my job to ask questions.” She smiled at me again, trying to come across as reassuring, but I could hear the menace behind her words. Maria would know without a doubt that I was here. She also surely knew more of Victoria’s plans than she had let Claire know. It was far too big of a coincidence that she had been here seeking vengeance and only days later I show up asking about her. If Claire did not learn why I was here, or at the very least, keep me here until Maria could find out for herself, Claire would be held accountable.

“Did Victoria come here alone?” I decided to ask. If she was going to fish for information, I figured two could play that game.

“What do you think?” she said, glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. I saw him in her memory. A newborn. He had stayed with the others of Maria’s coven while she and Victoria had talked.

“I think no. I think she had a friend with her.”

“And was he a friend of yours as well?”

“No,” I shook my head, forming my lips into a smile, “we never met.”

“Then how did you know about him?” She reached over to touch me, her fingers cool on my arm and I suppressed a shudder of revulsion.

“The information that I have indicated that she wasn’t traveling alone,” I shrugged, moving from under her touch.

“Your source was correct.” She was silent then, hoping I would fill in the silence and give her more information. I decided to oblige by asking a few more questions of my own.

“You said it was your job to ask questions?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Does that make you her second-in-command?”

“Close enough.” _She has me ask questions because I can tell when people are lying to me. And, although you are not lying, you aren’t telling me the truth, either._

“How old are you, Claire?”

She laughed at that question. “Twenty-three.” She angled her body toward me, closing the distance I had opened between us, inhaling and smiling widely.

I wanted to laugh at her. I had lived for many years with Tanya, the original succubus, and had resisted all of her attempts to turn my head. This girl could use a few pointers on subtlety. I supposed her blandishments might have worked on somebody else, but it wouldn’t have made any difference to me. Aside from finding Claire quite creepy, after Bella’s soft perfection, there was no other woman in the world I would ever find attractive again. Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I spoke again.

“No, I mean, how long have you been a vampire?” I clarified.

“Oh, about eight months.” She continued to smile at me. “How old are you?”

“A hundred and four.” I smiled to myself, remembering Bella teasing me, calling me an old man.

“Really?” she asked, impressed. Victoria was the only vampire she’d met, other than Maria, who was more than a year old.

“What about them?” I asked, indicating the rest of the coven.

“Mitch is our newest recruit. He was changed about a month ago.” _Right after we lost Darryl. Stupid vampire, letting himself be seen by humans, just after he turned a year old._

“And all of the rest of them are in their first year, too?”

“Why?” she was suspicious now.

“Well, why isn’t anyone in the coven over a year old?” I knew the answer of course, but I wanted to know what she thought the reason was.

“Oh, we live with Maria, helping her to defend her territory and in turn, she helps us learn how to survive. Then we move on. Like your brother.” _One year of service learning the ways of a vampire and then eternity to spend how I please._

But I knew this wasn’t right. Maria hadn’t wanted to let Jasper go. I frowned.

“What is it?” she asked, seeing my discomfort at last.

“Is that what Maria told you? That you can leave after a year?”

“Of course.”

“And you don’t think she was lying to you?”

She eyed me for a long moment. She hadn’t questioned when the others she’d known had disappeared or were killed. Maria’s enemies were vicious and had killed several. And there were rules to follow and consequences when those rules were broken. Everyone knew that. Yet it was true, she hadn’t personally known of any to leave Maria’s coven alive. She only knew of those she’d heard about, such as Victoria. But she also knew that Maria was hiding something from her.

“So I have to know,” she said, deciding to change the subject. “What’s with your eyes?”

I forced a laugh. “You mean why aren’t they red?”

“Yeah. You _are_ a vampire, right?” She flashed her teeth at me.

“I am,” I confirmed.

“So?”

“It’s possible for a vampire to live on the blood of animals, rather than killing humans. My eyes are not red because I don’t drink human blood. Not for a long time.” This information shocked her and she stared at me, open mouthed.

“Is that… I mean… animals don’t really smell very good.” She wrinkled her nose in distaste.

“No,” I agreed, “they don’t taste as good either.” I tried to push the thought of Bella’s taste away. Her blood had been unlike anything I’d ever imagined before. Suddenly a piece of the floor I’d been sitting on came away in my hand. I swallowed and tried to control my breathing.

“So why do you do it?” She couldn’t understand my reaction.

“There are other compensations.” I shrugged and tossed the piece of the floor I was holding down to the ground below.

“Such as?”

“Do you remember your human life well?”

She grimaced, “What I can recall wasn’t pleasant.”

I nodded, accepting this information with a frown. “I don’t want to be a killer. Living on the blood of animals allows me to live almost like a human again, to live among them.” I said the words slowly, quietly, fighting the pain they caused. I wasn’t human. I never would be again.

Worse, I _was_ a killer. I had killed. Many times. I wanted to kill the vampire at my side and the others that surrounded me now. I had wanted to kill the girl who I loved more than anything in the world. Had I remained human – and not gotten sick – I still would have been a killer. The war that had raged at the end of my life had consumed my thoughts and the moment I had turned eighteen, I would have joined the army and been trained to kill as a soldier. Instead, Carlisle had found me and stolen me from the hospital where I lay dying from the Spanish Influenza.

As a vampire, I was made specifically to kill. My beauty served to draw my prey to me like a carnivorous flower, my voice was seductive, a lure to mesmerize humans and bend them to my will. As if I needed such things. If the transformation from human to vampire reflected what we were on the inside, we would be hideous, terrifying to behold, and the humans would run away screaming. Not that they would get very far. Our speed alone made vampires a more deadly predator than any animal to ever walk the earth. It was my fate to be a killer.

She turned the idea of feeding on animals over in her mind. Then she shook her head.

_No, I don’t think I could do it._ “I _like_ hunting humans.” She leered at me, “Human men are sooo tasty.” _And I enjoy giving them a taste of what used to happen to me._

“Well, most of our kind would agree with you.” I shrugged again. I hadn’t expected her to change her ways. Newborns had a thirst for human blood that was nearly impossible to contain. Again I was filled with rage and pain at the thought of Bella killing.

She sat back and studied me for a moment.

“You are very strange, Edward Cullen.”

I sighed. “I know.” I wasn’t normal. I was a monster; not a human. I wasn’t even a normal monster. I was a freak among freaks. I sighed again.

We sat in silence for a long time as she pondered what I had told her. I saw her remembering her human life, blurry images of different men, remembered pain as she was struck, a memory of fear as she hid from the one who was supposed to be her protector. The feeling of vindictive joy as she hunted the men who had hurt her. And the new and powerful feeling as every night she sought out another man who reminded her of the humans she had known, stalking them, playing with them, then her fierce pleasure as she drank their blood.

“So, second-in-command-Claire, did you question Victoria’s friend, too?” I said, trying to interrupt her line of thinking.

“That’s my job,” she said, her smile returning.

“And what did you find out?” Turning to look at her for the first time, I stared into her bright red eyes intently, listening hard, hoping she would remember her conversations with him for me.

“Um… what?” she asked vaguely.

“What did Victoria’s friend tell you?” I demanded, not releasing her eyes. Was is possible to dazzle another vampire? I had never tried before, but it seemed to be working.

“She needs protection. There’s safety in numbers,” she said, the words coming forth without her permission.

“Protection from what?”

“Others.”

“Did he mention the Cullens?”

“No.”

“Washington?”

“No.”

“ _Forks_?” I didn’t want to give her the name of my home town, but I had to know. Bella had to be safe.

“No.” Overwhelming relief.

“Did he mention where they were headed next?”

She shook her head slowly, trying to resist my gaze. She pressed her lips together, but that didn’t stop me from hearing her thoughts.

_Rio de Janeiro._

Victory! The thrill shot through me. I had gotten her to tell me where the pair had been going next. It was all I could do not to leap down to the ground and take off running for Brazil. But I knew that I had won only part of the battle here. I had my information. Now I needed to escape.

They would never just let me go. I couldn’t fight all of them. Maria would return and when she did, it was likely that she would order them to destroy me. Just as she would eventually destroy them. As I realized that, I saw a way to win my freedom.

“Claire, you need to leave.”

Suddenly we were surrounded by the entire coven and I was pulled to my feet, my shirt in the grip of the youngest vampire, Mitch.

“You _all_ need to leave,” I spoke calmly.

“I think you need to watch your mouth, yellow-eye,” he growled in my face.

“Maria plans to kill you. She has no need of a vampire who has lived past a year. None of you will live if you stay.” I kept my voice steady, despite my muscles that were demanding that I fight this vampire. If I made one move, the entire coven would rip me apart, burning my body, turning me to ash before Maria even knew I was there.

I swallowed past the venom that was flooding my mouth.

“My brother was a part of her coven long ago. It was his job,” I glanced at Claire, “to dispatch those who had outlived their usefulness.” I knew she would see the truth in my words. “You are all no more than pawns in her bid for territory. Pawns that she can easily replace as she has for centuries before you.”

“I think he’s telling the truth, Mitch.” Claire was staring at me with wide eyes.

“What do you mean, ‘outlived their usefulness’?” Mitch asked, still holding me by my shirt.

“I mean that you will never be physically stronger than you are now. Young vampires begin losing their newborn strength around a year mark. Once that happens, you will need to be replaced and she will find some reason to get rid of you. She will claim you broke the rules and have you burned. Or she will claim that you left. Or that you were killed by another coven while defending her territory. Whatever excuses she has told you in the past to get you to believe why the others have left will be the same reasons she gives to your replacements. In reality you will be ashes. Unless you leave now. All of you. That’s the only way you can be safe from Maria.”

As I spoke, Mitch tightened his hold on me. “You mean that’s the only way _you_ can be safe from her,” he accused.

“What am I to you? Would you risk your life just so that Maria could have the chance to kill me? Leave now, all of you, and Maria will be unable to hurt any of us. Stay and we all die.”

 He stared into my eyes, looking for any indication I was trying to deceive him. He glanced at Claire, and I knew he was seeking confirmation from her. Her eyes were wide and scared.

“Where should we go?” he asked, releasing me at last.

I shrugged. “Wherever you want. Go see the world. Travel. Eat new foods,” I faked a grin at Claire, “even if they sound disgusting. You never know till you try. This way of life is not the only way.” Though I loathed the thought of releasing this coven on the world, I saw no other way to get away.

“And you?” Claire asked me.

“I have my own search to continue,” I shrugged.

“You’re the one Victoria’s after, aren’t you?”

I grimaced, “Yes. I’m sure you’re right.”

“Why?”

“I killed her friend.”

“Why?” she repeated.

“He attacked my family.” My eyes tightened as I clenched my fists. This was as close to the truth as I was getting.

“So is that why you are really trying to find her? Is it just vengeance? Or to kill her before she kills you?”

I shook my head, “I hadn’t realized she was after me until you said something. She really does have information I need. Before you ask,” I interrupted as she opened her mouth, “I’m not telling you what it is. I’m sorry, but it’s not something I can share with you.” She looked disgruntled, but didn’t question me further.

“Well, we can’t leave now,” Mitch said.

“Why not?”

“It’s day,” he said. _Obviously._ I saw memories of vampires on fire, smelled the icy smoke, felt his remembered fear when he got too close to the rays of sunshine.

“You’ve never gone outside in the daytime?” I asked slowly.

He stared at me, shocked. “I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

My lips twitched in amusement. “The sun won’t hurt you.”

Claire protested. “We’ve all seen it happen! Stu! And Manny! They were killed when they went out in the day!”

“Fabricated evidence. Just another way for Maria to control you.”

“If she lied about that we would know,” Claire insisted, stubbornly.

“Am _I_ lying?” She frowned. “You have a special sense, don’t you, Claire? You can tell when people are lying to you.” She stared at me in surprise.

“How did you know?”

“I’m right, though.”

“But how – ”

“How I know is not important. I know. You can tell when people are lying. Maria has always been able to tell when a human might have a special skill as a vampire and was quick to take advantage of those abilities. But there are always ways to get around someone’s abilities. It’s possible for Maria to tell you something that is essentially true while withholding key information that negates the meaning of what she tells you. That way she can lie to you and you won’t be able to tell.”

“Then you could be doing the same thing!” Mitch accused.

“I’m not. And I can prove it easily.”

“How?”

“By stepping into the sun.” I said, simply.

Several glances were exchanged. Finally Mitch gestured toward the door. “Go ahead.” _It’s your hide._ He shrugged. _Save us the trouble of burning you._

I jumped down from the loft and strode for the open door. I glanced at their fearful faces and stepped into the light. They gathered around the door, keeping to the shadows and stared at me, open mouthed. I pushed up my shirt sleeves and tilted my face up to the sun. When I turned to face them, I could see the rainbow reflections from my skin shining off the side of the barn and glistening off of their faces.

Slowly, Claire took a step into the sunshine. She looked at me and then at herself, her face awed as she examined the affect the sun had on her skin.

The transformation that changed us from human to vampire made us into something completely other than what we were before. No longer flesh, more like living rock, hard and cold, unyielding and unchanging, our skin was crystalline and broke the light like a prism. When the light from the sun hit our skin, it bounced back, separated into the spectrum that makes up white light. Each cell was like the facet of a cut stone, and our skin shimmered and sparkled in the daylight.

If any human were to see us exposed like this, it would be obvious immediately that we were not human. The number one law among vampires, one that was strictly enforced, was to keep our existence hidden. The humans could not be allowed to know about us. We had to stay out of sight when the sun was out. To expose ourselves to the sunshine – at least when a human was nearby to see – would mean death. Not from the sun itself, but from those who enforce the rules: the Volturi.

In telling them that exposure to the sun would kill them, Maria had lied, and yet still told the truth.

Of course, Bella knew what I was. She had seen me standing in the sun in our meadow. But she was not going to go telling people what she saw. Keeping our secret kept us both safe. The Volturi had to know the rules had been broken in order to punish those who broke them.

One by one the coven stepped outside, examining themselves and each other. When the last of them stood around me, I spoke again, explaining the laws as they had been told to me. I also reiterated what I had told Claire of the option of living on animal blood. I didn’t think I convinced any of them, but I owed it to Carlisle to try. Finally, I decided it was time for me to leave.

“Thank you for your help,” I told Claire. “If there’s anything else about Victoria or her companion you can tell me,” I glanced around at the vampires who circled me, “I’d really appreciate it.”

 “Diego said they were meeting a friend of hers. A man named Gustav, who she met in Rio de Janeiro.” Kent volunteered, speaking to me for the first time.

“Diego?” I asked, wanting to confirm the name of Victoria’s companion.

“Victoria’s friend. The newborn she was with.” I nodded.

“What is going on here?” a voice I recognized exclaimed from the trees. I turned to face the direction of the speaker.

“Hello, Maria. I was wondering when you would show up,” I greeted her pleasantly.

“Edward Cullen,” she spoke my name in a slow drawl. “Fancy meeting you here. And making new friends, I see. Some things never change.” Maria strode slowly toward us.

“You lied to us!” Claire accused her.

“I told you what you needed to know. Nothing more. It is this poor excuse for a vampire who has been lying to you.” Maria spoke with assurance.

I recognized the tactic. A proficient liar myself, I knew that speaking with calm authority would cause the listener to tend to believe whatever you might tell them. Of course, my Bella had been the exception to that rule. As she was to nearly everything.

“He has told me more truth in one morning than you have in eight months!” Claire told her, angrily.

“I gave you life! I brought you into this world and provided you with a home, a family, and unlimited prey. If I chose not to tell you my life history, that is my business. You should be grateful. Now stand aside little girl.” Maria had walked straight up to Claire, her demeanor threatening, her face livid.

As one, Maria’s former coven stood behind Claire, silently informing Maria that she no longer held any authority over them. She turned to me, her eyes blazing.

_What are you doing here, Edward? And where is my Jasper?_

“He’s with our family. And I think you know why I’m here.” I saw Victoria’s face flicker through her mind. “That’s right,” I nodded, confirming what she already knew.

_Do you seek vengeance as well? Maybe you will destroy each other, saving me the trouble. Or perhaps I_ will _take that pleasure for myself. I need no newborns’ help to turn_ you _into ashes!_

“You can try. Vengeance _is_ one of your specialties, isn’t it? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that is why she came to see you. But that’s not why _I’m_ here.” I was aware of Claire watching me curiously, the rest of the coven exchanging confused glances.

_Then what is the reason?_

I pressed my lips together in a hard line. “She holds the key to a question I need answered.”

_What question?_

I smiled grimly and shook my head.

_I know our last parting did not end well. Do you seek to destroy me? I’ll admit, I didn’t think you had it in you. Doesn’t your family have some sort of sick reverence for life?_ she thought at me, scornfully.

“We do. I wasn’t after your death any more than I was after Victoria’s. But if my hand is forced, I will not hesitate.”

_Hypocrite!_ she accused. _So superior until your morals get in the way. How convenient!_

“Self defense is _not_ hypocrisy. You should remember that from Calgary.”

“Hmmm,” she laughed, recalling how we had fought the last time. The casualties of that encounter were vivid in her mind.

“Why did Victoria come here?” I demanded with a growl.

She laughed again and shook her head, hiding what she knew.

I advanced on her, listening hard, straining to pick up any clue.

She was proficient at guarding her thoughts and pictured Jasper killing vampires and humans by the thousand. As she taunted me with vivid mental images, she moved to stalk me.

“What did Victoria want?” I prompted again.

She envisioned herself killing the humans we had known in Calgary.

“That is old news, Maria. Tell me of Victoria!” We were circling each other at this point. I had all but forgotten the existence of the coven that surrounded us.

“What did you tell her?”

Still laughing, her mind blocked from me the information I sought.

I stared hard at her, growling loudly, trying to penetrate her mind and force her to tell me what I needed to know.

“Is she after me?”

_Yes_

“And my family, too?”

_Yes_

“How?”

Laughing no longer, she was grimacing, trying to keep her mind only on images that would cause me pain; images that would not tell me what I so desperately needed to know.

“Why would Alice see Victoria’s future disappear?” I tried a different line of questioning, knowing that she knew of Alice’s ability to see the future just as she knew of my ability to read minds.

Her thoughts were startled at this question. It wasn’t one she expected, but it was the very question that was at the root of my search for Victoria. I saw the break in her armor I was looking for and pounced.

“Why does she seek vengeance?” I launched myself at her and grabbed her arms, my face inches from hers, my eyes boring into hers, trying to pry the information from her unwilling mind.

_You killed her mate._

I was shocked. Her _mate?_ She and James had been _mates_? Oh, this was bad. Suddenly I understood. The reason why she kept burning the studio down. Why she would go to such lengths to go after my family. We weren’t rivals for territory; my family didn’t hunt humans. The reason was one I should have understood all along. Love. Loss.

“What does she have planned for me and my family?” I demanded, shaking her.

I saw my family’s bodies burning, Victoria standing watch over the pyre that consumed our corpses.

“ _How_?” I shouted at her.

_She doesn’t know! She hasn’t decided how to do what she needs. She has to talk to Gustav first. Her plans aren’t set, yet, and so neither is her future._ Taking control of herself once more, she snarled, _But_ yours _is!_ And she pictured my burning body as she moved swiftly to disengage herself from my grip, twisting around me, baring her teeth, and going on the offensive.

Maria was centuries old. Most of that time had been spent at war with vampires who coveted her territory. She had been in countless battles and won them all. I was in trouble, but Maria wasn’t counting on her coven to come to my aid. Suddenly finding herself fighting, not one vampire, but a dozen newborns that she had trained, Maria was striking and whirling, grabbing arms and twisting, tearing, using her teeth to gouge out hunks of flesh. She was a blur that even my eyes found difficult to follow, and the newborns, for all of their massive strength, did not come close to matching her skill.

But I didn’t have to watch her with only my eyes. My mind saw her planning her next movement, saw her land behind me, sinking her teeth in my neck. I saw my head tearing away as my body fell, lifeless, at her feet.

Moving faster than I thought possible, I turned and caught her, my hands locking around her forearms. Straining, pulling sharply outward, I used my larger size to full advantage, spreading her slight form apart. Holding her away from me so that she could not reach me with her teeth, though she kicked and flailed, I heard a familiar metallic screeching as her arms slowly started to separate from her body. Mitch grabbed her hair, forcing her head back. He sank his teeth into her neck and, at the same moment as I tore her arms off, he ripped through her throat and her headless body fell at my feet.

His face expressionless, Kent struck a lighter and tossed the flame on her corpse. We all backed away from the vile stench as Maria burned.

As one, they turned to look at me and I tensed again, wondering if they were planning on attacking me next. Then I read the tenor of their thoughts and relaxed.

“Thank you,” I said to them.

“Thank _you_ ,” Claire returned.

I looked around at the aftermath of the brief, fierce battle that had been fought. The newborns had all been in fights before and calmly walked around the small field gathering their missing parts. Disgusted, I watched as they reattached their limbs, using their venom as a seal, their arms fully functional again with only a thin line as a scar showing where the limb had once been torn off.

I was more than ready to be on my way.

“Stay out of sight,” I cautioned again and took off.

I didn’t get far before I knew that I was being followed. I stopped and Claire was instantly by my side.

“What are you doing, Claire?” I asked her with a frown.

“You can read minds, can’t you?”

My one-sided conversation with Maria had made that rather apparent. I nodded once.

“Then you should know that the answer to your question is,” _I’m coming with you_ , she said, as if it was obvious.

“No, you’re not.”

_You can use my help, and I’d rather be with someone who knows what’s going on. At least until I get used to my new freedom._ She smiled at me, expecting me to smile back. She was enjoying talking to me without speaking. The novelty was fun for her. For me, not so much.

“Claire…” I was shaking my head. I didn’t want company. Especially not with someone who was so eager to kill humans. Even more especially not someone who was so used to using seduction to get her way. I’d had enough of that with Tanya.

“Give me one good reason why not,” she folded her arms across her chest and stared at me, a taunting smile across her face.

“I’m not good company.”

“I said a _good_ reason.”

I’d had about as much forced politeness as I could take. I wanted to go back to my private misery and had no desire for an audience to my pain.

“I’d prefer to be alone.”

“Why?”

I ground my teeth together. “Look,” I growled at her, “I don’t want to talk about it. Just… Go back to Mitch, Claire. He wants you with him. _I don’t_.” I felt a flicker of pain cross my face and turned my back on her.

I felt the sting of rejection in her mind. She considered several questions and arguments, but finally accepted the truth in my words and was gone in a flash.

Alone again, I took a deep breath and strove to remain calm. All of the newborns I had interacted with this day were exactly what I would expect newborns to be: thirsty, vicious, killing machines, uninterested in their lost humanity. They held no interest for me. Now that they had served their purpose by telling me where Victoria had gone, I wanted nothing more to do with them, and did not desire the reminder of what I was protecting Bella from. I didn’t want her to be like them. _I_ didn’t want to be like them. I stayed in the shelter of the woods for a long moment, fighting my desire to go, not to Rio, but home to Forks.

I forced upon myself the image of Maria being ripped apart, heard again the horrid screech as I ripped her arms off. A similar memory of a predator in Seattle dying by my hand followed. I felt again the sickening crunch when I put my foot through Roger’s face. I wanted to wrap Bella in my arms and protect her from all of the dangers and horrors of the world, but I knew that there was no horror greater than becoming what I was, and nothing more dangerous for her than to be with me.

Forcing my legs to move again, I continued my run back to where my car was hidden. From there, I had a flight to book. I was going to Rio.

 


	12. Rio de Janeiro

   **Rio de Janeiro**

Jasper had kept my family supplied with all of the records we needed to play our parts in the human world. We each had birth certificates, social security numbers, and passports. They came in handy now as I easily left the United States and flew to Brazil. Waiting on documentation would have had me chafing. I probably would not have been capable of waiting, would instead have made my own way there on foot. Grateful once again for the family I had left behind, I passed through the checkpoints with barely a glance from the officials.

I spent the flight to Rio thinking about killing. I had killed and fed on humans years ago and had known myself to be a monster then. Since that time, I had fed only on animals. I had felt murderous rages on more than one occasion, but had not given in to them. As badly as I had wanted – needed – to kill the human who had threatened Bella in Port Angeles, I had not killed him. I had asked for Carlisle's help to incapacitate him instead, leaving him for the human police to find and incarcerate. I had daydreamed of killing Mike Newton, the horrid human boy who went to school with Bella, and for whom I harbored an unreasonable and overwhelming sense of jealousy and hatred, but I had not harmed the boy.

Now I had killed three times in two months. That they were not human was irrelevant. I knew what I was capable of. Turning those damned creatures into ash was only re-enforcing my own damnation. I deserved to be ash just as much as they ever did.

The humans on the plane around me, the business man with his laptop beside me, the newlywed couple across the aisle, the child crying behind me and his mother who was singing to him softly, every one of the hundred humans on the plane were in danger from me. I wanted to kill each one of them. Their blood called to me, but their scents were as nothing compared to my memory of Bella's blood.

I loved her more than anything, more than my own worthless life, more than even my family. But every second I spent in her glorious presence was dangerous to her. Because I still wanted to kill my Bella, my pure, sweet Bella with her oh so tempting blood. Because I was a killer. And because I knew that someday I would kill her. I ached, missing her so much, but I knew that what drew me – pulling me home with an unwavering, irresistible force – was not just the memory of her love, but of her blood. 

The monster in me wanted to kill her even now.

The desire was building in me. I had to go home! I needed her! The need was worse with every passing second. She consumed my thoughts, my mind filled with her scent, my skin burned with the memory of her touch. My throat was parched, dry and aching. The flowing venom was like acid, making the thirst so much worse, though my eyes still showed the evidence of my hunt in Superstition Mountains. It was not animal blood that I craved.

My muscles remembered the feeling of ripping Maria apart, of tearing the predator in Seattle into pieces. I had killed again. The knowledge tore at me and I huddled in my seat, wrapped my arms around my knees, and tried to see some way to make my existence bearable.

My single suitcase had fit easily in the overhead compartment so that I didn't even have to wait for the baggage to be unloaded. Not wanting to be tied down with my luggage, I stored it inside of one of the airport's lockers. Unencumbered now by changes of clothes, I made my way out of the terminal and stood under the rainy Rio sky.

I hailed a taxi and tried to contain my impatience with his excruciatingly slow pace as he wove through the streets past the tourist traps and into the darker parts of the city. He tried to engage in meaningless conversation which I ignored, casting my mind out, listening, once again, for the thoughts of a predator.

Rio was an entirely different type of city from the ones I had prowled searching for Victoria. Closer to the earth, less mired in science, and more open to superstitions than its counterparts in America, Rio was a sprawling contradiction. It was a paradise; with gorgeous beaches and an almost never-ending party, the scents of cooking food filled the air – I imagined to a human they probably smelled good, but I was slightly nauseated – the different languages were a melodic background to the constant sounds of music and laughter. But Rio also had a dark side and there was heavy trade in the occult.

It had been over a decade since the last time my family had come here. The city had not changed much. We had a residence nearby, but I had no intentions of going there. I knew that seeing the beautiful house on the beach would only heighten my feelings of loneliness.

Unlike the previous cities in which I had searched for Victoria, I had contacts in Rio and would not be reduced to pacing the streets. This was a good thing as Rio was larger by far than any of the cities I had previously searched. The chances of running across a vampire, much less one who happened to know Victoria were slim to none. There were more people living in the city of Rio than in Phoenix and Houston combined, with millions more visiting each year.

My family tended to stick to rainy cities, the cloud cover serving to provide us with protection from the sun so that we could go outside in the day. Phoenix and Houston were far too sunny for my family and we had never spent any time in America's southwest. Rio was a tropical location with many months of monsoon rains. February was one of the hotter months in the southern hemisphere and right in the middle of the rainy season. I couldn't have picked a better time to visit.

The cloud cover, the large residential population, and the constant influx of tourists made the city a vampire's paradise. The surrounding jungles were filled with many animals for my family, making Rio a popular destination for us as well. Jasper especially loved to hunt the jungle cats, enjoying leaping through the trees as he chased his prey. We had stayed here often and made friends with the local coven, assuring them that we would not hunt in their territory. I didn't know anyone named Gustav – the name Maria had unwillingly given me – but I was sure that the local coven would be able to help me.

The taxi drove to the western side of the city, past all of the tourist destinations, and into the industrial district. There were many manufacturing plants in Rio which provided numerous large buildings and a lot of waste. There were plenty of abandoned buildings where the vampires were able to set up house within easy reach of downtown and the beaches. There was no need for the coven to look any further for a home, food, and a discreet disposal method of the bodies of their victims than what the industrial district of Rio provided.

I knew in what area to search, but didn't know which building the coven was using currently. Upon arriving in the industrial district, I had the driver stop, though he eyed me dubiously at my choice of destinations. I paid him well enough to stop his questions and set off on foot, searching once again for the thoughts or scents of a predator.

I had prowled among the factories for several days before I finally found what I was looking for. Or rather, before they found me. The rain washed all traces away quickly, so that, though I probably crossed their paths several times previously, I had been unable to detect them. As I strolled past an old paper mill, I was accosted. An iron arm wrapped around my throat and I felt physical pain as a hand gripped my arm.

"State your business," a voice growled in my ear.

"My name is Edward Cullen. I'm looking for Rafael," I explained calmly, speaking in Portuguese. I had heard him approaching and forced myself to submit to their customs.

"Cullen?!" the voice shouted in my ear and I was released, only to be grabbed once again, this time from the front as my back was pounded in an exuberant welcome. The vampire released me, a broad grin on his face as he grabbed my hand and shook it vigorously. "My good friend! Edward! It has been too long!"

I smiled slightly, giving a rueful laugh. He was always so expressive. "Rafael, it's good to see you, too."

"But where is your lovely sister? I was just saying the beautiful Rose needed to come and visit me again, and here you are!"

Rafael had a fondness for my sister that she did not return. He was convinced that she should leave Emmett and come to Rio to be his mate instead, insisting that the dining opportunities in Rio would convince her to give up her aberrational ways. Our family was considered an entertaining oddity and they had sometimes watched us as we hunted in the jungles. Since meeting Rafael, Rosalie had refused to join us in the city during our visits to Rio, sticking instead to the beach house and going out of her way to hunt in the jungles far from the city.

"Rosalie isn't here, Rafael. I'm sorry." This was a blatant lie. I was far from sorry that Rosalie wasn't here. Our relationship had never been an easy one. Although we had been close enough as brother and sister, since I met Bella, her attitude had made our relationship unpleasant.

"Ah, what a loss! But perhaps I will go and visit her, eh? Maybe she could show me how to hunt in… where are you staying now?"

"Alaska," I told him. As far as I knew, they were still there.

He shivered dramatically, making a disgusted noise. "Yeesh! You Cullens' are one strange family. Why live in a frozen wasteland eating rabbits when you could prowl paradise?"

"Paradise can be found in other places in the world than just here, Rafael. We make the best out of what we find." I was tired of the banter already, but to push him into giving me what I wanted without engaging in pleasantries first would be insulting and he would be less accommodating.

"Well, you are here now, are you not? Maybe you will join me tonight?"

"Thank you, no." He mouthed the answer as I said it. "If you knew the answer ahead of time, Rafael, why ask the question?" I asked, annoyed.

"One can always hope," he laughed at me. I sighed, not in the mood for his games. "Come in, come in!" he said clapping a hand to my shoulder and guiding me inside of the broken down factory, gesturing around as if showing off a palace. "Welcome to our humble home!"

"Thank you, Rafael. I appreciate your hospitality, as always." I told him, wondering how much longer he would keep me discussing trivial matters before allowing me to get to business.

"Meet the newest member of my family," he gestured to a male so short I thought at first he was a young boy. "This is Joaquim. I found him on a hunting trip inland." He laughed, "We were going to dine on him and his family, but he was so beautiful that I decided to make him my son, instead of my dinner!"

I could see what drew Rafael to the man. His eyes were unusually expressive, large and framed by long lashes. He had long hair, a deep black mop of rings that fell to his shoulders. The transformation to vampire had turned his naturally deep brown skin into an interesting almost golden hue. His angry expression though, evidence of a fury that bubbled just under the surface, turned his strange beauty into a terrible demon-like visage.

The man scowled angrily and fired back, "Too bad my daughter did not seem as beautiful to you! No! Instead, I wake to find myself here and my family dead! Pah!" He spat at Rafael's feet and stalked off. His mind was full of horror as he remembered himself feeding on humans. How he'd been unable to resist or to stop himself when he woke after his transformation to find a human there, bound and waiting for him. How Rafael had taken him out hunting and he'd killed the happy tourists, and Rafael's delight, watching him kill. He had known, even as he fed, that his daughter had suffered the same fate he was visiting upon the humans who were now his prey.

"I don't know that you did him any favors by changing him," I observed. The man's pain was obvious and I couldn't help but to be reminded of Rosalie. In turning her into a vampire, Carlisle had thought he was helping her, but she was unhappy with her fate and missed her mortal life.

"Ah, well, they would have died within a few years anyway. What's the difference? And they were a tasty snack!"

"The difference?!" Joaquim shouted, the volume of his voice causing the walls to vibrate. He was suddenly in front of Rafael, shouting up into his face. "The difference is that I had a family! She was to be married! I was to have had grandchildren! No! You, you killed them! You killed my future! You stole my life!" he was gesturing wildly, roaring at Rafael, who's face remained calm and slightly amused.

The newborn's face took on a surprised look and his head was suddenly oddly distorted. Joaquim's body fell slowly at Rafael's feet. I looked up, shocked, at the vampire who had come to stand behind him.

"Carlos!" Rafael shouted. "What did you do that for?" I looked down at Joaquim's body and saw that the back half of his head was missing. Carlos, the other member of the Rio coven, had driven his fist through the newborn's head, rather than separating it from his shoulders.

"He was about to attack you. Joaquim was never going to accept our life. I warned you when you changed him that this would happen. Listen to me next time." The vampire glanced at me and then walked slowly away.

Rafael made a disgusted noise. "Carlos." He said the name like a curse and shook his head. "Joaquim had been so entertaining. Now who will I laugh at?" He turned to shout after him. "You had better be planning on cleaning this up!" He sighed and stared angrily at the twitching body of the vampire at his feet.

Seeming to suddenly remember that I was there, he turned to me with a broad grin and gestured for me to proceed down the hall. He indicated another doorway and I ducked through, finding myself on a balcony outside, high above the ground.

"So, my strange friend, how have you been? Tell me of your family!" he said as he leaned his back against the railing to face me.

I was hardly his friend. He liked me for the same reason he had liked Joaquim. We entertained him and entertainment was hard to come by with eternity stretched out before us. If Carlos were to put his fist through my head, as he had with Joaquim's, Rafael would have reacted in much the same way. Annoyed at the mess and at having to find some new distraction.

"My family is well, thank you."

"'Well?' Ah, you must give me more than that!" he protested.

"What more do you want?" I asked, sourly. "I haven't seen them in months, but nothing has changed from the last time you saw them."

"But the same cannot be said for you, I think. You are… troubled. Hmm. What troubles you, Edward? Tell me."

Free at last to ask him the question I came here to ask, I found myself unsure how to start. I leaned my arms against the railing, looking down at the empty street below us.

I took a deep breath and spoke. "There is a vampire I am looking for. Her name is Victoria, she has red hair. Do you know her?"

"Ah, I see, your heart has been touched at last. My poor friend, do not mourn her! As I do not with Rosalie, because there is always the chance that someday she will – "

I cut him off. "No! She is not – She – " I ground my teeth together and held my breath. After a moment, I spoke, calm again. "She's after me and my family. She's trying to find a way to kill us. I was told she came here, to seek out someone named Gustav. Tell me, please, do you know him? Have you seen her? Or a newborn she was traveling with – Diego?"

"To kill you?" his expression was astonished, but his thoughts were filled with glee. Not at our death, but at the new twist to my story that he had not expected. "What possible reason could any vampire have to kill you?"

"I killed her friend." I gave him the same reason I had given Claire.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "I have never known you to kill anything other than kittens and puppies," which was his opinion of the jungle predators we hunted. "Why now? Why did you kill this vampire?"

"He attacked my family."

"To what end?"

"For the same reason that you are glad to see me, Rafael." I was annoyed now, my tone rude. "Entertainment. It amused him. He underestimated us and we killed him instead. But now she seeks revenge. I have been tracking her, and was told she came here. I ask again, do you know Gustav? Have you seen Victoria or Diego?"

"Yes," he said, slowly. "I knew a Gustav."

"Knew?"

"I haven't seen him in many years. Since before I met you. I did not know he was still alive. He moved on long ago."

"And Victoria?"

"No," he shook his head. "I have never heard of this Diego, either." I heard the truth in his thoughts. He had never known the red haired vampire I sought.

I closed my eyes and leaned back against the building. I had been so sure that Rafael would know her. He was very possessive of his city and, while he might not mind visitors, he always made sure to know of them, just in case they were to cause trouble or draw the attention of the humans.

My disappointment was crushing. She wasn't here! She had never come here! Had Maria lied? And Kent and Claire as well? I didn't think so. However, they could have been lied to.

I thought about what Maria had said of Victoria's survival instincts. Could she have known I was after her? I had wondered that before. If she did, could she have acted to throw me off? Told Maria she went one place, but really gone another? And if so, where?

"Thank you, Rafael." I made to jump over the railing.

"Wait," he placed a hand on my arm. I shook him off roughly, but did not move. "Stay with us. You are in need, my friend. I can see that. I'm sorry I could not help you find who you are looking for, but perhaps I can help you another way?"

"Such as?" my voice was dull.

"Come hunt with us," he pleaded. "Those animals you are living on are not good for you! It's not natural! Come and see what paradise has to offer – "

I cut him off again. "Rafael, I have no desire to hunt humans!" I knew this was a lie as I spoke it. I did desire human blood. I knew it, and so did he.

He smirked at me, knowingly. "Really?"

"I have no intentions to change my ways, Rafael. I know you mean well, but no matter what my nature, I will do what I believe to be right. Killing humans is not. Not for me." I met his eyes angrily.

"Ah, well, I tried." He took a step back and gestured toward the railing, giving me leave to go.

I jumped off the balcony and landed on the street below. Before I walked off, I heard Rafael's parting comment.

"Say hello to your sister for me!"

As I left the industrial district for the more rural areas of the city, I realized I needed to warn my family. I opened my phone and hit redial. Once again, Jasper answered on the first ring.

"Edward." His voice was not shocked this time, but held far too much pleasure.

"Victoria is after us," I told him without preamble. "She seeks revenge for James's death and is hunting ways to kill our family. I thought I knew where she went, but she tricked me. I don't know where to look for her next, but I can assure you that she will come after us eventually."

"She's after us? " his voice was surprised. Apparently Alice hadn't seen this.

I continued, "Take whatever precautions you think necessary to protect our family. Be prepared. She's got an especially strong survival instinct. I think that's how she knows I'm after her. Maria seemed to think that the reason her future disappeared is because she doesn't know how she plans to kill us yet, that her plans keep changing. If B – " I stopped my rapid speech with a gasp. "The same thing could be affecting Alice's other visions, too," I finished, flatly.

"Wait – " he began, but I closed my phone before he could say anything further.

I shoved my phone into my pocket and set off down the street once more. It rang right away, but I ignored it. My family was warned. I had done what I could. I had the answer to Victoria's disappearing future, and that of Bella's, too, I was sure. She had no plans. No more than I did. I was sure that if Alice looked at my future, it would be a blank blur just like theirs.

I had lost Victoria. She had tricked me, just as James had. It didn't really matter, except that I didn't know how or when she would attack my family. They knew she would though, and once she decided how and when, Alice would see and they would act to stop her. My family was safe. They didn't need me anymore.

Bella's future might not be a happy one at the moment, but I was certain that would change. Alice had seen her smile. Had she smiled yet? She was safe. I wanted her to be happy.

I was pacing past the tourists, their happy voices a blur in my mind. I tuned out the many languages, focused on listening only for a predator again. Victoria had tricked me, but maybe she had tricked Rafael, too. If she really was here… I sighed in frustration.

I hadn't realized how much my search for Victoria had consumed me. Without it, I felt lost. I had no place to go, nothing to look for. I had no purpose. Bella was safe, I repeated to myself. Her safety had been my only purpose. Now, with that gone, I was disconcerted. She was safe from me, her future was safe, and it would remain that way as long as I stayed away.

I slumped to the beach, let the rain wash over me. I didn't see the ocean, didn't hear the waves, didn't feel the rain as it drenched my clothes. I had nothing anymore. I had no Bella, I had no family, I had no enemy. Was existing the only thing I had left? What good was that?

I didn't want to die, but I no longer had any will to live.


	13. The Phone Call

**The Phone Call**

My phone rang.

I had been reduced to this: pacing. I paced the city without end. From beach to mountain, suburbs to slums, city center to jungle's edge, I had walked every inch of the city, but Rafael and Carlos were the only two vampires whose scent I ran across. They didn't stop me, but I knew they were keeping tabs on me. Victoria really hadn't come here. I still couldn't believe it.

My phone rang.

Occasionally I would stop to sit by the ocean, or to crouch on a rooftop or mountain side to look out over the city, but the anxiety I felt at being stuck in Rio would have me back on my feet within minutes. I felt an urge to book a flight back to Houston, to see if I could find Maria's old coven and get them to tell me any detail that perhaps they had not thought of before. Knowing the urge for what it was, I resisted. It was an easy flight from Houston back to Phoenix… or better – or worse – to Seattle, and from there to Forks.

To Bella.

I needed her.

Home.

It called to me.

Bella…

My thoughts were a constant repetition. Bella. Home. Bella. Home.

There was nothing else in my life. I  _had_  to return. I had no choice. I knew this. Knew it more surely than I knew the sun would rise. Knew it in every cell of my body. Knew it just as surely as I knew that I  _couldn't_  return.

My phone rang.

But what if I did?

Would it really be so awful?

No. It wouldn't be awful. It would be Heaven. Rio wasn't paradise; Forks was. Rio was Hell. Worse even than Seattle had been. Forks was Heaven and Bella was my angel. Wasn't there any way that I could make myself safe for her? Wasn't there any way to be with her and  _not_  endanger her life? I didn't care what it would take. I was willing to suffer anything, just to be with her. She wouldn't even have to get close enough for me to touch, just to look at her face would make my existence worthwhile.

But  _this!_

_This_  existence! This was worthless. Meaningless. Pointless.

Animal blood was sustenance for my family, but there was little pleasure to be had in it. Our entertainments and studies were things to fill our time with, but none of them held any interest to me anymore. If I were to sit in front of a piano again, I doubted I would be able to peck out Mary Had a Little Lamb. There was no book that could hold my attention, no subject I wanted to learn about, no place I wanted to visit.

My phone rang.

Except for the one place I couldn't go.

Home.

To Bella.

I wasn't sure how long I had been in Rio, but the rains were slacking off; the weather turning, not so much cooler, as less hot. The southern summer was coming to an end, the rainy monsoon season over. During the days when the sun would break through, I hid myself in attics and crawl spaces. I'd spend the time wrapped in a miserable ball, fighting the need in me to go home.

I had taken a plane, but with a newborn in tow, Victoria would have been forced to run, as I would have done rather than waiting on a passport. Thinking that maybe I had simply arrived before Victoria did, I prowled the city, visited the surrounding villages, hoping without hope that I would find Victoria. Or another vampire. Gustav, perhaps, or Diego. I knew it was futile. She wasn't here. She never had been.

My phone rang.

I sighed. Why couldn't they just leave me be! If I wanted to talk to them, didn't they think I would call? Or answer?! Why couldn't they just leave me to my misery? For two days – had it been two days? or was it more? or less? did it matter? – my phone had rung over and over. Sometimes I heard it. Other times I didn't. I never looked at it, didn't care who was calling. The only voice I wanted to hear was Bella's.

Every second since I had lost Victoria had been a struggle. Each second worse than the one before. Now that I had nothing to chase, I realized I had nothing.

Nothing at all.

My phone rang.

Nothing that meant anything except for Bella. There was no way I could live for  _years_  like this! What had it been so far? Six months? Seven? I had lost track. It felt like centuries. All I knew was that it had been too long since I had seen her. Since I had touched her. Since I had kissed her, smelled her, heard her laugh, looked into her eyes.

This couldn't continue. I had to go home.

My phone rang.

_Again._

" _WHAT?"_  I growled furiously.

"Oh, well, don't I feel honored. Edward actually answered the – "

I closed the phone with a snap.

"Rosalie," I scoffed, angry. What the hell did she want? Why was  _she_  bothering me of all people?

My phone rang again before I could put it back in my pocket.

"This had better be good. Be quick."

"You're a selfish jerk. You know that, don't you?"

I closed the phone again, pulled the battery off before it could ring yet again. I resisted the fierce urge to fling it out into the ocean. I sighed angrily, feeling a harsh growl in my throat. Why did I even bother keeping it charged? Now that I had lost Victoria and my family was warned, I had no reason to be in contact with anyone. Not that I had been in contact much before.

"Selfish jerk," I muttered. The words were true. I  _was_  a selfish jerk. I had been thinking non-stop about returning to Forks, to Bella, which was the most selfish thing I could think of. Returning was what I wanted, what I  _needed_ , what was good for me, but not for anyone else. Not good for my family. Not good for Charlie or Renée. And most certainly not good for Bella.

Pacing again. I'd reached the edge of the jungle and sighed, not feeling like turning back around and pacing the city yet again. But where else was I going to go? I knew without a doubt that the moment I left Rio, there was only one place I would go. The small window that lead to the only Heaven I would ever know filled my thoughts. I turned around, paced back toward the center of the city.

I shoved my hands in my pockets, was surprised to find two lumps there instead of one. Pulling them out, I saw that the battery wasn't on the phone anymore and reattached it.

A few minutes later I remembered  _why_  I had detached it when it rang.

Again.

"Rosalie, so help me – "

"Wait, Edward, don't hang up."

"Then be quick about it and LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shouted at her.

"I just thought you should know… Um..." She paused. I thought her voice sounded odd, nervous, as if unsure about what she had to say. Although I thought it was strange - Rosalie had always been so certain of herself - I wasn't really interested enough to care why.

I matched her silence with my own.

"Alice… well…"

I resisted the overwhelming desire to crush the phone in my hands.

"Alice went back to Forks. She saw… something." She spoke in a rush before trailing off, nervous again.

Fury.  _Alice! How dare she? She swore to leave Bella alone!_

"So you can come home now."

I was grinding my teeth, determined not to respond to her goading pauses.

"Come home, Edward."

Silence.

She sighed, and when she spoke again, her voice was angry, all nervousness gone. "You really  _are_  a selfish jerk! Esme has been going crazy with worry over you! I haven't seen Carlisle smile in ages. Jasper and Emmett don't wrestle anymore and nobody ever laughs. All Alice ever does is try to watch you, but you, oh you can't be  _bothered_  to pick up the phone once in a while! You left and you took the heart out of our family. I miss my brother, Edward! You are annoying and selfish and an egotistical know-it-all, but you're also the best and we all miss you! So come home. Now."

Her comments about my family hurt, but I wasn't planning on ever returning to them. I knew I would do them no favors by doing so.

She sighed again. "There isn't any point to this. It's over."

I closed my eyes, wishing she would get to the point already.

"You heard me say Alice was in Forks, didn't you?"

Unable to resist any longer, I snarled into the phone, "You think that because Alice is in Forks that everything is just going to go back to how it was? That, oh well, now I can just go home, too?  _Nothing has changed, Rosalie!_  If I go back to Forks, I WILL KILL BELLA!"

I realized I was shouting this at myself, as well as Rosalie.

The thought of going back home, of being  _ordered_  to go back home, to the one place on the planet that held any interest to me was so seductive. I needed to go home like I had never needed anything before. To see Bella again. To be with her. I wanted her, needed her, craved her.

But I would kill her.

"No. You won't."

I growled, about to hang up again.

"You can't."

I sighed, closing my eyes again and scrubbing at my face.

"Rose. Tell Alice I said to leave Bella alone. And stop calling me! I'm destroying my phone now, so don't bother calling – "

"Bella's dead."

" – me back because I… won't…"

Silence.

"What?" I whispered, sure I had misheard her.

"Alice went back to Forks to try to help Charlie."

"Help. Charlie. With. What?" I asked, still whispering.

"Deal with… this."

"Say it Rose."

"The others didn't want me to tell you, but I think you deserve to know."

"To know  _what_ , Rosalie?" I demanded.

Silence.

" _ **ROSE!"**_

"Bella's dead."

"No. No she isn't."

_No._

"Alice saw her drown. She… She threw herself off of a cliff. She didn't come up. She's dead. Bella is dead."

"No."

"So you can just forget all this nonsense and stop moping about and come – "

I closed the phone. I stood motionless, in shock. The words Rosalie had said were trying to break through, but my consciousness refused to accept them.

Bella...

_No_.

Bella…

_No. She can't be._

Bella…

_Rosalie is_ wrong _._

Bella is…

_She's playing some sick joke._

Bella is…

_Because Bella can't be._

Bella is…

_She can't be._

Dead.

" _NO!"_

Bella is dead.

"No! No, no, no, no, no. NO!"

Bella is dead.

"No! No, she can't be. NO! No, no,  _NO! **NO**!"_

I collapsed on the ground, breathing heavily. Numb. Unable to comprehend the words going round and round in my head.

Bella is dead. Bella is dead. Bella is dead.

I shook my head.  _No. No she isn't. Rosalie is wrong. I'll prove it. And then I will fly to Alaska and wring her neck. And Alice's, too, for good measure._

I opened my phone slowly and dialed Charlie's house.

I didn't press send. I stared at the phone in dread, slowly shaking my head back and forth, denying my longing to hear the voice at the other end of the line. The voice that I  _knew_  would answer. And  _when_  she did, I would hang up. I wouldn't let Rosalie's sick joke affect Bella. If it was Charlie… I cleared my throat a few times in a strangely human gesture.

I hit send.

The sound of the phone ringing filled my world. If my heart was alive, it would have been pounding. I was sure she would have been able to hear it when she picked up.

"Swan residence," a man's husky voice answered.

Crushing disappointment.

Icy fear.

"Hello," I pitched my voice so that I sounded like my father. "This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. May I speak with Charlie, please?"

"He's not here." The words were a low growl, almost a threat, definitely menacing.

"Would you be so good as to tell me where he is, then?" I demanded. My voice was harsh, no longer bothering to attempt to sound like Carlisle.

A pause. Then the angry voice I didn't recognize said, "He's at the funeral."

The funeral.

He's at the funeral.

Bella's dead.

He's at the funeral.

She threw herself off of a cliff. She didn't come up. She's dead.

Bella is dead.

"No." The denial was a soft gasp.

I closed the phone. It fell from my lifeless fingers. I didn't hear it ring again as I walked away.

It wasn't possible. She couldn't be dead. It wasn't true. It couldn't be. For her to be dead, the sun would have exploded. The Earth would have shattered. For Bella to be dead, the universe couldn't go on. She was the only reason for the universe to have ever been created. For her to be dead now, why were people still living, laughing, breathing? I could hear them all around me. If they were alive, these worthless, silly humans, then Bella  _must_  be, too. There was no other explanation.

Bella is dead.

I didn't understand. It wasn't just the words that weren't making any sense, it was the entire concept. Bella was a happy person. Happy people didn't kill themselves! No, she might not have been happy since I left, but… enough to want to  _die_? Not just to  _want_  to, but to act on it?! But Alice had seen her smiling again!

I fell to my knees. Felt something touch me. Looked up to realize a car had wrapped around me. I got to my feet and staggered away to lean against a building.

Someone touched my arm. "Hey, man, are you alright?! That car just – "

I wrapped my hand around the throat of the human who had dared to touch me and shoved him against the wall of the building I had leaned against. His feet drummed against the bricks, his hands clasped my wrist, his eyes were wide and his mouth worked, but no sound came out.

"Don't. Touch. Me." I growled in his face.

I released him and he fell to the ground, coughing and gagging as I walked away.

I ignored him and the other humans who were watching me, frightened now. As they should be.

I wasn't just a monster. I was death. I killed everything I touched. My parents had died, yet I lived on. Humans I had known in Calgary, humans whose names I had long since forgotten, were dead because of me. Humans I had killed, whose blood I had drunk, were dead because of me. The predator in Seattle was dead. Roger was dead. Maria was dead. James was dead.

Bella.

Bella was dead.

"No," I moaned.

Bella was dead. Because of me.

"Ah!" I fell to my knees again. Got back up. Took a few steps. Fell again.

Bella was dead.

I had killed her. She had thrown herself off of a cliff because of me. Because I had left. Because I was a monster. Because I had loved her and allowed her to love me back. I had left and now she was dead.

_I left. And now Bella is dead._  I said the words to myself, trying to understand them.

I loved her more than anything. She was my entire world. If she had left me, I would not have wanted to go on. Could I have done that to her? Had she loved me that much? How could that have been possible? What kind of a sick universe would make her love a vampire so much that she would die if she couldn't be with him?

Remembered words, her beautiful voice echoing in my ears.  _"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton. I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."_

She had meant it.

God couldn't possibly exist. There was no Heaven. There was no Hell. Because no creator would possibly form such perfection with the intent that she love a monster. That she would love that monster so much that dying was preferable to living without him.

But humans healed! They fell in love and they fell out of love. I saw it all the time!

But Bella… Bella was stubborn. She decided on a course and she stuck with it. And Bella was  _not_  like other humans. I had known this from the start. The very first day, I knew that she was something  _other_. Something  _more_.

A human could not have contained the power of the love that I felt for her, it would tear them apart. A normal human. But Bella was never normal.

She…  _She had loved me._

Only now that she was gone did I begin to believe it. She  _had_  loved me. Loved me every bit as much as I loved her. And now she was dead. Dead  _because_  she loved me, just as I loved her. Dead because she couldn't live without me, just as I couldn't live without her.

I had left her and so she had killed herself.

And now I was stuck, alone in a world where she no longer existed. The very thought was unbearable. To live for eternity like this was unacceptable. No matter that I felt I might die from the pain, I never could.

There was only one solution. If the universe refused to end and take me with it, then I would just have to do the job myself. Carlos… would he be willing to kill me? Probably, but I doubted Rafael would let him. My pain at his refusal would entertain him too much.

I stood up and began walking again, heading back to the airport. I had a plane to catch. I wasn't going home – I had no home – I was going to go to Italy. To Volterra. To die, as I should have died in 1918. If I had died in 1918, my Bella would still be dead, but maybe we could have met in Heaven. Now, though, that was impossible. Heaven was closed. They didn't let monsters in Heaven.

As the plane rose into the sky, I smiled softly, thinking that soon – very soon – I would hurt no more. Soon, I would be unable to feel anything. The pain that I had lived with for months, this new and horrible pain I was in now, would soon be over. Bella's life was over and so was my only reason for living. Soon, I would be over, too.


	14. Volterra

**Volterra**

The flight from Rio to Frankfurt and then from there to Florence would take about fifteen hours including the hour layover. I did not fret over the delay. It gave me the time I needed to make my plans. The seat beside me had been occupied, but almost as soon as we were airborne, the passenger had quietly requested permission of the stewardess to move to an empty seat far away from me. After one glance at me, the stewardess had agreed.

At any other time I might have been amused.

The last time I was on a plane, I'd had to fight my desire to kill the humans who flew with me. This time, they were perfectly safe from me. I had no thirst; I had no craving for their blood. The only thing I desired was an end to my pain. They could all have bled in front of me for all I cared and I would have ignored them as thoroughly as I was ignoring them now.

I had never been to Italy. Carlisle had shared with me his experience with the powerful coven who ruled over the city of Volterra and I'd had no desire to see them for myself. I knew that they were the peacekeepers of our world. They were the ones who made the laws we lived by and they were the ones who enforced them. The coven was made of only five central members, Aro and his mate, Caius and his mate, and Marcus. But they – like Maria – had a large guard in their service. The guard served to protect the members of the coven and as the force behind the coven's power. They were also used as hunters since the coven members rarely left their palace.

Aro, Caius, and Marcus had all known Carlisle. They were not exactly friends, more that, like Rafael had found me amusing, the Volturi found Carlisle amusing. At nearly three thousand years old, Aro's biggest problem was boredom. Carlisle was the first vampire – and the only one Aro had ever met – to deny his nature and live on the blood of animals rather than humans. Aro had found it entertaining to try to change Carlisle's ways and would bring bleeding humans to him, trying to tempt him. Of course, they never did. Carlisle had never once killed a human. The first time he had ever tasted human blood was when he bit me, though his aim with me was not sustenance, but companionship.

I was concerned that, due to my relationship with Carlisle, they might not be willing to end my life. I was sure I could force their hand if it came down to it. They were absolute about maintaining the laws, and if I needed to, I would break every law ever made in order to get them to end my suffering.

Trying to distract myself from the reason why I was going there, I spent the flight going over and over what I would do when I arrived. How I would phrase my request. What I would do if they refused.

The number one law, to keep our existence a secret, would be easy to break. We were fast, strong, hard, and nearly indestructible. I could jump in front of a moving vehicle. It wouldn't damage me, but the car would be totaled. I could pick a car up over my head and throw it into a building. I could run through the streets, but I moved so fast I knew no humans would see me, so I dismissed that option.

Another law, one that was fiercely enforced, was that hunting was not allowed in their city. I had killed humans before. I had killed vampires over the last few months. What was one life more or less? I was damned already; how much worse could it get? A killing spree would be a sure way to force them to end me.

I could bite, but not kill, every human I ran into in Volterra. Their screams of transformation would surely raise alarm and the coven would punish me the same as if I had killed.

Aware of the change in cabin pressure, I realized we were descending. The flight had passed in a blur of pain. I waited as we taxied to a stop and remained in my seat with my eyes closed while the other passengers disembarked. They jostled each other as they retrieved their bags from the overhead storage and jockeyed for position to be the first off the plane. When the plane was nearly empty and the flight attendants were eyeing me, trying to work up the courage to ask me to leave, I opened my eyes and stood. I took my place at the end of the line and stepped into the tunnel that connected the plane to the airport.

The terminal for the next leg of my flight was easy to find and I leaned against a wall, avoiding the light streaming through the large windows. I kept my eyes closed, tried to keep my expression blank. Still, the humans gave me a wide berth as they walked past me. I ignored them, tuning out their thoughts and voices. I was listening only for the announcement that my next plane was ready to board.

From Frankfurt to Florence was a short hour's hop and I was relieved that it was almost over when we finally landed. My life was over; my body just didn't know it yet.  _Soon,_  I promised myself. The end was near and it couldn't come quick enough. The loading and unloading area in front of the airport was covered and I stepped outside, not caring that the sun had yet to set. In no condition to drive, I hailed a taxi, gave the driver my destination, and curled up in the seat to wait.

While he drove, I allowed my thoughts to return to Bella. She had loved me. Why had it taken her death to make me see that? What I wouldn't give to have known, to have understood before. I knew that I would have suffered anything to be with her. I wished desperately, more fiercely than I had ever done so before that I could have been able to read her mind. If I had, I would have known how she felt, would have known that she couldn't live without me any more than I could live without her. If I had, I would never have left, would even, at that very moment, have been lying with her asleep in my arms. We could have spent eternity in each other's arms. Heaven couldn't compare. Now, with the knowledge of her death – of her suicide – Hell held no possible threat that could torment me.

The knowledge of her suicide was a torture worse than any thirst. The remembered pain I felt that first day when I had smelled her was nothing. The driving need to drink her I had felt every second I spent in her presence was nothing. The despair and aching loneliness of the past seven months were nothing. Her death was agony to me. I knew that there was no pain I would ever feel that could compare.

How could she have loved me so much? I didn't understand. What was I compared to her? She was beautiful, naturally, an angel in human form. My beauty was false, a snare, a predator's lure. She was so good, gentle, selfless, and kind. I was a selfish jerk, as Rosalie had pointed out to me. I had enjoyed the human's fear of me and pitied their trivial lives. She always put the needs of those around her before her own. The only time in my life when I had done that had been when I had left Bella, trying to put the safety of her life before my need for her. And look at the result. In trying to do good, evil had resulted.

Even living on animal blood instead of human was done for selfish reasons. It wasn't respect for the humans; the ones I had killed had been monsters. I did it because I didn't want to be like them. I didn't want to be evil. What I wanted made no difference. For I was evil. My very existence, my nature, my past, my deeds, all that I was, was evil.

Why hadn't she seen that?

Why had she ever loved me?

Why did she have to die?

As this thought flowed through me, I was unable to resist the pain any longer. My clenched teeth couldn't hold back the cries that tore from my throat, the moans that ripped from my chest. I whispered her name over and over, shuddering and gasping as the pain raked through me. I couldn't block from my mind the image of her still form, her lifeless body.

"Signore," the driver spoke. "Siamo arrivati."

I took a shuddering breath and looked up. I'd forgotten I was in a car, that there was a human driving. He was watching me in his rearview mirror with a strange look on his face. It took a moment for me to comprehend what he'd said, but when I heard his thoughts I understood. I was in a taxi, we had arrived at my destination, and he wanted me out of his cab.

"Grazie," I mumbled and gave him the contents of my wallet; I had no further use for it. I got out and glanced up at the palace on the mountain above me before turning to enter the building.

He had parked under the overhang in front of a church at the foot of the mountain. It was an ancient building, as old as the city itself. Set within the side of the mountain, only the front was visible, the vast size of the building was hidden from view. Solidly built, the stonework was detailed with carvings and sculptures. The windows filled with masterpieces of stained glass. The interior walls and floors were marble, the pews a contrasting granite, bare of cover or pillowed seat cushions. The walls were covered with detailed tapestries, which had been woven into vivid pictures. These were not peaceful images of a savior, but rather, they depicted the gruesome images of Hell, of bodies contorted in pain, of demons inflicting torments upon their charges. It was an apt representation of what the church truly contained. Unlike true churches that led to salvation and Heaven, this church's only pathway led directly to Hell.

I sat in one of the pews, waiting for the escort that I knew would arrive shortly. I fought down the misery I felt, not wanting them to witness my pain. Breathing steadily, I tried to empty my mind, tried not to think of where I was and why I was there. Concentrating on keeping myself under control I didn't hear the thoughts of the vampire who entered through a doorway hidden behind the pulpit. He looked young, as though he could have been an altar boy, though I knew him to be many centuries old. I'd seen his face in Carlisle's memory.

"Welcome to Volterra," the boy said. "Are you on a pilgrimage or do you seek an audience with Aro?"

"Aro, please," I said in a dull voice.

"Very well. Follow me." He turned away then, sweeping back to the hidden doorway. I was lead down a winding stairway, leaving behind the marbled façade and entering a stone tunnel that lead to the interior of the mountain. The tunnel was long and winding, cold and dimly lit, with no doors or branches. It lead directly into the castle.

…  _thirsty… hope Heidi is bringing a larger grouping this time… some variety… young and tender, not the old hags like the last time… get Jane to punish her if she raids another nursing home…_

I wasn't even able to work up enough disgust at his bloodlust to try to tune out his thoughts. It didn't matter to me who he killed. I knew that the coven fed often and in large numbers. There was nothing I could do about it, even if I had wanted to. They killed all the time; I only hoped they'd be as willing to kill me.

"Wait here, please," he indicated a bench outside of a large doorway, the only door the tunnel contained except for the one in the church. I sat on the bench and he disappeared through the door. While I waited, I cast my mind out and discovered that the city was filled with many people – far more than I had expected. Tuning in on a few of their minds, I realized that they were here in celebration. Tomorrow was St. Marcus Day, one of the most popular holidays in the city. The humans believed that their city's safety was due to Father Marcus who, millennia ago, had driven the last vampire out of the city.

If the humans really understood what they were celebrating, they would have run in terror. "Father" Marcus, along with Aro and Caius, had claimed this city as their own and established their domination over other vampires with the help of the powerful abilities of those who served them. The city belonged to the vampires, with the coven owning nearly all of the surrounding lands and buildings.

The vampire returned. "Aro will see you, now." He held the door open as I stood. I took a steadying breath and went through. He led me through the castle, down damp tunnels that ran below the city and through brightly lit hallways that eventually ended in a round room at the top of the tallest tower of the castle.

Like the church had been, the room was covered in marble. There was a subtle sunburst worked into the floor around a drain from which emanated a nauseating smell of decay. The walls were high, the only windows were narrow slits up high by the ceiling. There was gold worked into the stone in such a way that the eye was drawn to the middle of three thrones that sat upon a raised dais.

On the left sat an ancient vampire with long black hair. Marcus. The expression on his face was one of bored indifference. His only thoughts were thirst and a vague need to serve and protect his brother.

On the right was another, just as old as Marcus. His hair was long and pale, so white it nearly blended into his pale skin. Caius. He was ignoring me, preoccupied with a matter of blatant law breaking that had been occurring in America. I didn't see what it was as he was concentrating on how and when to put a stop to it. He was going over the guard in his mind, considering who he should take with him in order to end the law breaker.

In the middle sat Aro. He was as ancient as the other two and, like Marcus, his hair was long and black. All three wore black robes. They were joined by a couple of guard members. A large vampire who sneered at me - Felix, a small girl - Jane, and another female who hovered behind Aro, protectively - Renata. The three ancient vampires showed their age. Though a vampire did not age and change the way humans did, these vampires were so old that their eyes had developed a film and their skin had taken on an odd brittle look. They looked as though a stiff wind would destroy them, tearing their skin apart and blowing through them like they were already ash without being burned.

This appearance was deceptive. These vampires were the royalty of our world. The film over their eyes and their fragile seeming skin was due to their immobility. As they rarely left their castle and had their human prey delivered directly to this very room, they had sat motionless for far too long. Their bodies had absorbed the dust of the centuries, losing their resilience and becoming brittle. Yet they were the most powerful vampires in the world. They were as physically strong as I was and the film over their eyes did not hinder their vision.

A single nod from any of the three was all it would take for Felix to tear me into pieces. A nod to Jane would have me writhing in agony before them faster than I could blink. I did not fear either possibility. I sought death at their hands and there was no pain they could inflict upon me that could compare to what I was already suffering.

Unlike his brothers, Aro's expression was one of delight. His thoughts were excited at the unexpected distraction of my visit.

"Hello!" he sang. "And who might you be?"

"My name is Edward Cullen," I answered, my voice steady, unemotional. "I believe you know my father, Carlisle."

"Ah! Carlisle! It has been centuries since he left us. How is he?"

"He is well, thank you."

"Is he still resisting his nature? Still hunting animals?"  _And does this one? If this boy claims Carlisle as his father, does he follow Carlisle's ways?_ He wasn't sure if he wanted the answer to be yes or no. He would have delighted in Carlisle's capitulation to his vampire nature, but he also wanted to see just how long he would be able to resist. I heard a scornful laugh, but ignored whoever it was.

"That is correct. And like him, I choose not to feed on humans."

_Another who resists human blood? Amazing! I would never have thought it possible!_

He glided over to stand in front of me and extended his hand, a glint of acquisition in his eyes. "It is very nice to meet you," he said, expecting me to shake his proffered hand. Slowly, deliberately, my black eyes never leaving Aro's red ones, I slipped my hands into my pockets. I heard the shock of my refusal in every mind in the room.

I was able to read every thought that passed through the minds of the vampires in the room with me, as well as those in the rooms surrounding us. The roar of the thoughts of the humans surrounding the castle was like the babble of a river; it flowed over me, through me, the thoughts blending together into a meaningless hum. But I could only hear what they were currently thinking. As Maria had done, and as my family would do when trying to keep something from me, it was possible for someone to disguise their thoughts by concentrating on something else hard enough.

Aro's ability was similar to mine, but far more powerful. Aro could read every thought a person had ever had. He needed only to touch a person once. Nothing could be hidden from him. I didn't want him to see my Bella, or the rest of my family, nor did I want to share my pain with him.

My refusal was considered by the others as insulting and rude. I didn't care. One way or another, they would do as I wished. The only question now was how. Would they cooperate or would I have to force their hands?

Clasping his hands in front of him, he examined me for a brief time.  _Arrogant fool. I may have to teach him some manners. But first, it will not hurt to play his game._

"To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit today, Edward?" he asked.

"I come to beg a favor," I said.

"And what is the nature of this favor?" Rather than being insulted, Aro was fascinated, excited. It wasn't often that he was forced to question a supplicant and our interaction would keep him entertained for a long time. If I continued to refuse him, he looked forward to punishing me for my presumption, vividly picturing me writhing under Jane's stare.

"I wish for you to end my life," I said simply.

"You  _want_  us to kill you?" he was astonished. It was very rare for them to meet a suicidal vampire. Most of our kind were in love with immortality.

"Yes."

"And why would we grant you that favor?"

I grimaced, hearing his reluctance. "I hope that you will grant me the honor of death by your hand out of respect for your friendship with my father."

"Yet you will not do me the honor of a simple handshake?" His eyes were wide, his expression one of feigned hurt.

"You and I both know that your handshakes are far from simple." I narrowed my eyes at him.

He was amused. "It is said that much can be said about a man in the way he shakes another's hand."

"Especially when the hand belongs to someone who can read a person's memories with that simple touch." My voice was harsh, annoyed at his games.

"Ah, so you know of my little gift," he was practically laughing.

"Of course," I said, with a shrug.

He considered me briefly,  _Carlisle must have told him of us. But if I am going to grant his request, I need to know more. I need to know why he would make it._ "I'm afraid that, without knowing the reason behind your request, I am unwilling to grant it," he was shaking his head in feigned remorse.

I hesitated. I was sure I wouldn't be able to speak of Bella without breaking down in front of them. As I considered my best options, I heard the irritated thoughts of Aro's guard and saw her memory of the few others who had refused to share their minds with him. Willing or not, every supplicant Aro had ever interviewed eventually gave him their memories.

_Fine, then,_ I growled to myself.  _Anything to speed this process up._  The faster I told him what he wanted to know, the faster I would be allowed to die.

With an angry scowl, I took my hand out of my pocket and extended it toward the eagerly waiting monster in front of me. With a laugh of delight, he took my hand in his, covering our clasped hands with his other as he bent over mine and closed his eyes.

Through his mind, I saw my life pass in a blur. The images of my childhood were hazy and indistinct, but under his talent, he extracted details I had thought were long lost. I saw the face of my mother, her smile as it lit up her eyes was one of the few vivid memories of my life I possessed. Now, because of Aro, I could hear her sweet voice as she sang while cooking and could see every detail of her face; her lips like mine, even and broad, her nose fine and straight, her chin rounded and soft, her cheeks flushed and rosy. Her beautiful eyes were wide, framed by long, thick lashes, and a soft sea green, as mine had been in life. They were crinkled around the corners, evidence of how often she laughed. She'd had short, curly hair, a dark blond that was often hidden under a broad brimmed hat or scarf.

I saw the less clear memory of my father, who looked much as I did now, only with a thicker waist and thinning hair. His hair was bronze, like mine, but much shorter, cropped close to his scalp in an attempt to hide its loss. His skin was darker than mine, but still pale, a reflection of his life behind a desk. His eyes stood out in my memory the most, a light blue that seemed to see right through me when he was angered.

Aro lingered over my illness, watching my mother die while she tried to nurse me back to health. He skipped over the fires of my transformation and suddenly the images in his mind were blurry no longer, but a crystal clear image of Carlisle's amber eyes meeting mine for the first time. Aro watched him explain what he had done to me, and I heard Aro's pleasure at seeing his old acquaintance.

He watched me make my first kill – a large wolf – and listened as Carlisle explained how he had learned that he could live on animals rather than humans. Aro was confused briefly as I heard Carlisle speaking without moving his lips. He saw me answer Carlisle's unspoken words and then I felt his fierce joy as he realized what he was watching. I had not understood at first that I had been hearing thoughts. Carlisle, with his infinite patience and empathic nature had understood when I responded to words he had not said aloud. I saw Aro watch, examining the memory in detail, as Carlisle spoke to me without moving his lips. At first, I had thought it was him, placing his words in my head. Then he had made me understand, showing me the people around us, and I knew the truth as I watched the humans, listening to their spoken and unspoken words.

Excitement at discovering an unexpected talent filled Aro's mind. He lived to acquire the services of those with exceptional abilities.

_You can hear thoughts?_  Aro asked, looking up to meet my eyes.

_Yes._

_Without needing to touch the subject!_

_Yes._

_How delightful!_

I narrowed my eyes, frowning.  _For you, perhaps._  Delightful was never how I would label hearing thoughts.

He chuckled, and closed his eyes again, bending once more over our joined hands to continue watching my life. He felt the thirst burning and building inside of me as I struggled against the needs of a newborn vampire. Carlisle had helped me to resist, showing me his memories, lending me his strength when my own faltered. Aro did not understand why I bothered. I could hear his impatience and feel his thirst building as he watched me fight against my nature.

He watched Carlisle add Esme to our family, and I felt his amazement that yet another vampire chose to live without drinking from what he considered to be our natural food source. With far too much pleasure, he lingered over my memories of my defiance. I had lasted almost ten years before I had even considered hunting humans. He replayed my first taste of human blood slowly, drawing the memory out, extracting every detail in vivid clarity. I was aware that he was doing this deliberately. He was enjoying the memory for himself, the first ecstasy that the taste of human blood brought, but also enjoying my pain and the horror the memory gave to me now. I had spent several years living away from Carlisle, hunting human monsters, and he lingered over every kill I made, showing me again and again my memory of my face in the minds of my victims, my eyes red with their blood.

He skimmed over the years between when I returned to my family and when Carlisle changed Rosalie. He found her uninteresting, with her lack of any significant abilities. When Emmett joined us, he dismissed him as well, already having plenty of strong fighters among his ranks. He paused when we were joined by Alice and Jasper. The excitement he'd felt discovering my ability to read minds was nothing compared to what he felt when he saw my memories of Alice.

_The future!_  His thoughts were ecstatic.  _To see things that have yet to happen…_  I saw in his mind how he understood immediately and was overtaken by the picture of us at his side wearing dark cloaks only a shade lighter than his own, our eyes glowing red. He already knew the past with a single touch. If he could enlist me and Alice into his service, he would have the present and future at his side as well. The idea of such omniscience was seductive.

_That will never happen_ , I thought, angrily, worried at exposing Alice to this monster.

_We'll see,_  was his gloating response.

Then came the day I was dreading. I closed my eyes against the pain, but the images were vivid in our minds as I saw Bella Swan for the first time. My heart cried out as I saw her beauty again, heard her clear, quiet voice, and met her eyes across the crowded lunch room. He was intrigued that I could not hear her thoughts. I was aware that I was practically crushing Aro's hand as the memories flowed through us. I was groaning, trying to contain my pain. He replayed slowly the monstrous reaction I had when I smelled her for the first time, her overpowering scent so real in the moment. He was delighted with my plans of her death, of the hundred different ways I had imagined luring her away from school, of killing our classmates, anticipating the moment when I would drink her at last.

_La tua cantante_ , I heard the thought flow through his mind, mixed with a jealous flame of desire. Confused, I wondered what he meant. Bella hadn't even spoken to me that day, much less had she sung for me a song.

I felt his shock as I fled and his disappointment when I left her alive. Then he watched me return to school, saw me introduce myself, felt my growing fascination with her, my continued frustration at being unable to read her mind. I was trembling, gritting my teeth in agony, as he forced me to relive falling in love with Bella. He was astounded when I kissed her. Her blood called to me even in my memory. I tried to ignore the pain it caused me to see her again, the memories so vivid in his mind, and tried instead to savor her voice, her laugh, her eyes, her scent, the taste of her lips, her skin.

He replayed over and over my memory of the taste of her blood as she flooded my mouth, my ecstasy at her perfect flavor, at the way she filled my body. Her scent – as overpowering as it was – a shadow of the perfection of her taste. He anticipated the moment of her death, uncomprehending when I stopped, saving her life instead of taking it.

_You loved your singer?_  He met my eyes in astonishment. _You tasted her blood and yet you allowed her to live? Impressive._

Seeing what he meant at last, I understood. Bella's voice was music to me, her heart had beat out the rhythm of my life. The words from her mouth had been the lyrics by which I lived. Her scent had been my inspiration. The call of her blood was a melody which I had not been able to deny.

Bella's life had been my song and I had been the instrument upon which she played. Now the tune had ended; her life was over, and mine no longer had any meaning.

Aro watched as I spent every second with her over the summer, our love pure and perfect. Watching it through his eyes, with the clarity of hindsight, I saw her love for me in her eyes, in her smile, in the way she would touch me, her heart racing and her breath quickening when I would smile at her. I grieved anew at my stupidity, my ignorance, at my stubborn inability to accept the gift of her love.

He saw me leave, felt my months of despair. He approved enthusiastically of my murders of the predator in Seattle, of Roger, and of Maria. And then, though I tried to block it out, he slowly replayed the last day of my life, the phone call that ended my reason for living. He watched as I made my plans, knew what I would do in order to ensure the end of my life. Then he looked up to meet my eyes, seeing himself as my memories caught up to the present. I jerked my hand out of his grasp and looked away. Waiting impatiently for him to make his decision, I wrapped my arms around myself, trying not to collapse at his feet.

"Very well," I looked up at him, hopeful that he was about to do as I asked. "We will need some time to deliberate. Carlisle is a good friend of mine, and the repercussions of killing his son, well, we will need to consider all of the angles first." Disappointment filled me, but I was unsurprised.

"Felix, show our young friend here where he can wait while we talk," Aro instructed, and told him where in the castle he wanted me to wait. I felt Felix's surprise. It was nearly on the other side of the city. Usually, he would keep supplicants close by so that he would not have to wait when he desired to call upon them.

A hulking vampire, larger even than Emmett, Felix was a physical guard whose skills at combat had been perfected over the centuries. He looked at me scornfully and gestured to a door to the right of the one I had entered. He lead me down several long corridors, all of them made of stone and as dimly lit as the tunnel that lead from the church. Finally he opened a door onto a room that overlooked the square in front of the palace. I walked over to stare out of the window, wondering impatiently how long they would keep me waiting.

Gazing down on the street, my eyes were at first unable to make sense out of the scene below. It was a river of red, as though the streets and walls were made of blood, flowing thickly through the city, out of the windows, and over the roofs. The red was a glistening liquid in the light of the moon.

_St. Marcus Day,_  I reminded myself. The humans had draped the city in red, red flags hung from the walls, red cloths covered every surface. As I watched, the streets began to fill with revelers. All of the humans I could see were covered in red as well. Their cloaks and dresses, hats, and even their shoes were a bright, vivid red.  _How sick_ , I thought, knowing the Volturi delighted in the irony.

I wanted to listen to them deliberating, but found myself unable to pick out their thoughts from the hundreds that surrounded me. I was sure this was by design. Aro knew my range and had told Felix to take me beyond where I would be able to hear them. Trying to contain my impatience, I spent the enforced idleness thinking of my Bella, the memories fresh in my mind after Aro's invasion into my past.

My Bella, with her melted chocolate eyes, her mysterious mind, her sweet laughter, her goodness and grace, her kind soul, her beautiful voice, and her warm love, which she had given to me. I wished with desperate longing that I could see her again. I would tell her how I had lied, how she was my world, how I loved her more than anything. I hugged my arms across my body, trying to contain my misery. My Bella, who had loved me more than I deserved. My Bella, who was surely in Heaven, her angelic goodness overcoming the sin of suicide. Her death, which had been my fault, was not her doing. I knew no creator could blame her for my actions. My blindness. My stupidity. How could I have left her? Why couldn't I have seen?

Yet I didn't know what other course of action I could have taken. As much as the thought of eternity spent in her arms called to me – my desire for it so much stronger now that the possibility was gone – I still cringed at what such a future would have cost her. I could see her as Alice had, her eyes glowing red with the blood of her victims.

A sob escaped me at this thought. No, I still couldn't stand it. There was no future that would have been bearable. Not to be with her was unbearable. Taking her life myself, or turning her into a killer was unbearable. Stealing her life was my destiny. No matter what choice I made, the end result was the same. Bella was dead. Dead by my hand. I would drink her, or I would crush her, or I would turn her, or I would leave her, causing her to end her own life. In a rage, I wanted to scream at the sky, demand that God take it back, change her destiny, allow her to live her life with no knowledge of the monsters who inhabited her world.

I watched as the sun began to rise, turning the dark glistening red into a bright, vivid crimson - the color of Bella's eyes in Alice's vision. I turned away, unable to bear watching any longer.

The door opened and Felix entered the room. He stared at me scornfully, and spoke, his words a barely audible hiss. "Aro requests your presence."

Grateful that at last the decision was made, I retraced my footsteps to the room where Aro, Marcus, and Caius waited. As soon as I entered, I knew their answer.

I scoffed, "So you've made up your minds."

"It would be so… wasteful for you to die. You have left Carlisle's family. We could help you, give your life purpose again." His smile was thin and he spoke slowly, choosing each word with care. Though he tried to hide his thoughts from me, I could see myself in his mind. He wanted me by his side, dressed in a dark grey cloak, my eyes glowing with blood.

They had been joined by another of their guard – Chelsea. She watched me carefully. I felt her mind reaching toward me, attempting to connect with me in a strange way that felt like ants crawling over my skin, the prickling sensation increasing as I resisted. I shuddered and blocked her out.

Despite his claims, I knew it was not  _me_  he wished to help. I glared at Aro. "Get on with it," I said, coldly.

"If you stay, you may find that there are other things to live for."  _A single human's death is not a reason to die. All humans die._

"No." I was so full of fury that I was barely able to grind the word out.

Concerned that I may have heard him, he tried again to hide his thoughts as he spoke, "You should not be so quick to give up immortality. Perhaps, if you wait, you may find that you will change your mind. Give us a chance to help you. If you find that you still wish to die… we could always discuss it again."

Despite his attempts to hide them, I heard his thoughts once more. _Serve me. Stand by my side and call me Master._

I growled and he knew I had heard him again. His desire to have me in his service grew stronger, still. He still hadn't exactly answered me, though I knew what his answer would be once he did.

"Well, I'm afraid your particular gifts are too valuable to destroy," Aro said calmly. He tried once more to convince me. "But, if you're unhappy with your lot, join us. We'd be delighted to utilize your skills. Won't you consider staying with us?"

Chelsea's thoughts strengthened, trying again to connect with me.  _Stay,_  her mind thought at me. My skin was stinging from the force of her concentration. Whatever she was doing didn't seem to work, so I paid her no mind.

I shook my head, anxious now to be away. I had some laws to break.

"You know it will happen anyway," I said, dully.

"Not without cause," said Marcus. I heard in his thoughts his envy for my resolve. I heard his boredom with the monotony and his own pain at the loss of his own mate, so long ago. I felt Chelsea reach out to him with her mind and his desire to serve Aro strengthened.

As I turned to walk away, I heard Aro lament, "Such a waste."

Very well. They would not end my pain willingly. I would just have to force the matter. As I had known all along would end up being the case, I would simply have to break their laws. Planning furiously, I went over the possibilities again. I was tempted to tear their castle apart, brick by brick, exposing them as well as myself. I could see myself doing it, I'd start with the wall directly in front of their throne room, the bricks would shower down onto the unsuspecting humans below, the bright rays of the rising sun would flood their room, causing their skin to become glistening, shimmering membranes, their inner evil shining through for all to see.

But no, they were too high up for the humans to see, and anyway, they would move out of the sun before it hit them. Tempting as tearing their castle apart was, it wouldn't have the affect I was envisioning.

I would be able to expose only myself as the monster I was. So be it. Perhaps a show of strength? I could work off some of my anguish by tossing around a few Buicks. As I prowled the castle, looking out of the tiny windows, I realized that, due to the holiday, the police had restricted access to the city to foot travel only. All of the cars I had expected to see parked along the road had been stopped just outside of the inner city.

Frustrated at being delayed once again, I thought of what my other options were. It seemed I would not be able to end myself without taking a few humans with me.

I did like the idea of showing the humans exactly what they were celebrating. Perhaps I'd show them what a real vampire was like. Unlike the plaster and cloth puppet that they would carry through the streets to burn, I would not sit calmly to await my fate. I could jump into their midst, hurling them into the walls the way I had dreamed of throwing Mike Newton. I would snap their necks, crushing their bodies with my hands, my feet. I could hear their screams, feel their snapping bones.

Then again, if I was going to show them what a monster truly was, why not give in to my monstrosity all the way? If I was going to be a damned creature, I may as well earn it thoroughly. It had been seventy years since I had last drank human blood, not counting when I had tasted Bella trying to save her from James' bite. The monster within me looked up, excited at the prospect.  _Yes, a killing spree is a suitable way to end your life_ , he agreed. It seemed fitting that my life would end by taking the lives of the humans around me. I had already taken the life of the only person on Earth who mattered. None of these humans mattered to me. If I killed them, gave in to the monster within me, gave in to my constant thirst for human blood, I would prove to everyone exactly what the face of horror looked like.

My mind made up, I left the castle for the streets. There were plenty of victims to choose from. Still early in the day, the streets were shadowed by the tall buildings on either side of the streets so that my skin did not give me away as it would have otherwise. I was aware that Felix was shadowing me. His instructions were clear in his mind. He was to follow me, but not to stop me. Aro wanted me to kill. He had seen my intention to do so in my mind. If I had been a normal vampire, he never would have allowed it, but he wanted me to drink human blood, to prove that I was a monster just like the rest of them. If he could not turn Carlisle, he would at least have the victory of turning his son.

I waited in the shadow of an arch, listening to the minds of the humans who passed me. They were excited by the parade, looking forward to the upcoming party. There were families and couples, old people who had seen the festival numerous times and visitors who had never seen it before. I wasn't sure what my best victim would be. Should I do as I used to and try to find someone who was as evil as I was? Or should I make my damnation even more thorough and choose a child?

I eyed a family with two small girls. One glanced my way and met my eyes. The eyes that met mine were a dark brown, sparkling with excitement. Like all of the other humans in the city that day, she was dressed in red, a bright bow in her long, dark hair. I saw her bright smile falter as she met my glare and she cringed away from me, clinging to her father's hand.

I turned away. The child was too sweet, too much like my image of the young Bella whom I had stalked in Phoenix. So an adult, then. I walked among the buildings trying to pick my victim. There, in the shadow of an alley similar to the one I had just left was a man whose thoughts were familiar to me. A predator, like myself. He was a thief, his motives for attending the festival were to rob the revelers, picking their pockets in the press of bodies so that they would not feel him as he took their wallets. He did not plan to kill anyone today, but he had before. As he stalked his prey, I stalked him. I saw him reach into the pocket of a man and remove the wallet.

His back was to me as I crept up close to him. Inches away from him now, I leaned in, hearing his heart beat, breathing in the smell of his blood. His scent sickened me. He smelled of tobacco, stale sweat, and whiskey. My vivid memory of Bella's sweet scent was too fresh in my mind. I could not bear the thought of this human's taste entering my mouth. Growling angrily at myself, I turned away again. I could not drink a human who resembled Bella too much, nor did I seem capable of killing another killer. Whom, then, should I choose?

I caught sight of my reflection in a window. Staring at the monster that I was, I realized that the only life I truly wanted to take was my own. Bella would not approve of me murdering a human.

I would have to break their laws some other way. Looking up at the bright blue, cloudless sky, an image of myself and Bella in our meadow decided me. All I really had to do was to show myself in the sunlight. The sun was not high enough yet as I was in the shadow of the buildings still. So, like the puppet the humans would parade through the streets, I would wait after all. When the sun was directly overhead, I would step out into the light. The square in front of the clock tower would give me the largest audience and there was a corridor within the tower where I could wait for the clock to strike noon.

Making my way there, I could hear Felix behind me still, scornful at my inability to take the human's life. I ignored him. He was a tool, nothing more. When I showed myself, he would be the instrument of my death. I didn't care what he thought of me, only that he was willing to kill me. I took up my position beneath the clock tower and prepared to wait. While I waited, the square filled with more people until it was a sea of red, the humans pressed against each other, calling out excitedly, ready for the parade to start. Ready for the spectacle they had come for: the death of the vampire. Little did they know there would be a real vampire burning on this day. Me.

I stood in the darkened corridor beneath the clock, waiting for the bell to toll the hour. I closed my eyes and grieved for the human girl whose life I had destroyed. It didn't matter that I hadn't seen her in months, that I was on a different continent when she died. I had killed her as surely as if I had drunk her blood myself. There was no fighting against fate and I had been the monster chosen by fate to end her life. I had resisted with all of my might, but fate had her threads tied around me tight and, puppet that I was, I had acted as fate had decreed.

It was Bella's destiny to die, and it was mine to be the cause of her death.

I did not dwell on my last seven months of misery. They were no longer important. Instead, I brought to mind the summer I had spent with my Bella. I relived every second I had spent in her glorious presence, a demon graced with the love of an angel. Her scent had been captivating, better than the sweetest flower, more tempting than water to a man in the desert, and more necessary to my life than air to a human. Just to hear her breathe had given meaning to my existence.

Now my angel was dead. I had killed her. All that was left was for me to follow. I did not hope to be reunited with her. I was a vampire, a killer, a soulless monster, and my angel was surely in Heaven. I had no chance of Heaven myself. The best I could hope for was oblivion. That when my body was torn limb from limb and set on fire, I would cease to exist. That my suffering would end in one brief moment of pain. The agony I had lived in for months – and worse, what I was suffering now, knowing that she was dead – made the thought of the fire that would end my life seem a welcome release.

I unbuttoned my shirt and felt it slip off of my shoulders, letting it fall to the ground at my feet. I took a deep breath, imagining her face once again, her chocolate eyes, her silken hair, the taste of her lips. Her presence in that moment was so real, I could hear her call my name, the crowd's noise meaningless next to the sound of her voice, calling my name, calling me home.

"Edward!" her voice called again and again.  _"Edward!"_  I smiled.

The bell on the clock tolled, announcing the hour. It was noon and the bright sun was directly overhead.

I took a step out of the darkness and into the sunlight. I raised my face to the sun, and the light flared against my eyes as I spread my arms and embraced my death.


	15. Heaven and Hell

**Heaven and Hell**

I was dead. I must have died. That was the only explanation I could think of - the only explanation that made sense - because suddenly, amazingly, inconceivably, I found myself in Heaven. My very own personal angel had thrown herself into my arms and I caught her in my embrace. I felt her silken hair cascade over my hands as she pressed her warm, soft body against mine. After seven months away, her scent, which I had imagined countless times, crashed over me. My memory was not nearly as good as I gave myself credit for. She smelled sweeter than any flower on Earth and I felt my entire body burst into flames from the thirst I had been denying for so long.

Slowly, I opened my eyes and looked at the angel I held in my arms. Bella's beloved face was more beautiful than I could believe, putting my memory to shame. Her skin was translucent, pale but with a flush of blood in her cheeks, cream and roses. Her lips were full, the bottom slightly larger than the top, and were trembling with gasping breaths. Her eyes were a rich, melted chocolate that met mine and I felt my cold, dead heart fill to bursting with joy. She was here! In my arms where I had needed her for so long. I could feel every inch of her burning into my skin, her hands on my bare chest were a scorching flame, her breath in my face was warm and rich, and swirling all around me was the flavor of her skin, her hair, her blood.

"Amazing," I said in wonder.  _Heaven? How did I end up here?_  "Carlisle was right." I wanted to laugh.

Needing to touch her face, I lifted a trembling hand and brushed my fingers against her cheek. She was soft, silky, and warm. I filled my eyes with the sight of her. I could hear her heart racing, see the blood swirling under her flushed cheeks, see the sun shining on her hair, turning it into a river of honey, dark gold with hints of red. As I breathed her in, I could feel her presence filling every hollow place inside of me. I had been empty for so long. The agony of the past seven months was a faded memory, the tormenting pain of the past twenty-four hours unimportant. I would have suffered it all a thousand times more for the privilege of holding her in my arms like this.

"I can't believe how quick it was," I said in surprise. "I didn't feel a thing – they're very good." I hadn't felt Felix ripping me apart, nor the fire that turned me into ash. I had rather expected him to draw it out. Instead, one second I was stepping forward to meet my death and the next I was in Heaven.

Gratefully, I lowered my head to bury my face in her hair. Breathing deeply, I kissed her silky tresses. Remembering that the last time I had held her like this was when we had watched  _Romeo and Juliet_ , I quoted, " _Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty."_ I ran my hands along her back, pressing her into me. I could feel the laughter bubbling up inside of me, pushing the misery away, exchanging my empty despair with a bright, shining happiness. I even enjoyed the burn in my throat from the scent of her blood. The burn that meant she was here, that we were reunited.

_Can angels have blood in Heaven?_

"You smell just exactly the same as always," I commented, confused. Then I decided it didn't matter. "So maybe this  _is_  Hell. I don't care. I'll take it," I said happily.

Then she spoke, and her voice was music to my ears. She was my singer still, though I couldn't seem to focus on the meaning. Her words made no sense to me. The only word I truly caught was my name, spoken in anguish. That couldn't be right. She should not be upset; we were together.

"What was that?" I asked, wanting only to hear her speak again.

"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi – "

_Not dead?_ Not _dead! Alive! Bella is alive!_

At this, the meaningless noise that surrounded us broke through and I heard the hum of the crowd. Over and above their noise, was one thought that I recognized with terror. Felix. He could smell my Bella and was excited at the prospect of killing us both. Carefully, aware of her fragile body, I spun us away from the sunlight and into the shadows, placing myself between the eager monster and the angel who had just saved my life.

I spread my arms, not even wanting him to catch a glimpse of her, and turned to face the vampires who were advancing on us. Felix had been joined by Demetri, and I knew that even as I attempted to fight off one of them, the other would use my distraction to go after Bella.

Feigning nonchalance, I spoke pleasantly to them, "Greetings, gentlemen. I don't think I'll be requiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters." I spoke with true sincerity. I was exceedingly grateful to Aro for refusing to kill me.

"Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" Felix said in a soft hiss.

"I don't believe that will be necessary." I didn't want Bella any nearer to these monsters. I knew that Felix was still anticipating ripping me apart and he was savoring Bella's unique flavor. Her scent, so much more potent than the hundreds of humans that surrounded us, was swirling through the narrow alley. "I know your instructions, Felix. I haven't broken any rules."

Demetri spoke next, and his soft voice was a contrast to his thoughts, which were a harsh menace.  _It wasn't a request, boy. You_ will  _come with us._ "Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun. Let us seek better cover." Their bodies were fully cloaked so that no glimmer of light reached their skin. Mine, on the other hand, was gleaming slightly with the reflected light from the square. The bright sunshine that had almost been my end was only a few feet away from us.

"I'll be right behind you," I said, willing to accompany them myself if only Bella could go free. "Bella," I spoke her name with a feeling of joy, still unable to believe that she was  _here_ , alive and well, "why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?" I could feel her body trembling against mine, and a part of me that was not focused on the monsters in front of us was counting each one of her racing heartbeats.

"No, bring the girl," sneered Felix. _… so delicious..._

"I don't think so," I growled, tensing in anticipation of a fight.

Bella's lovely voice whispered, "No."

"Shh," I said to her, trying to sound calm.

"Felix," Demetri chided, "Not here."  _...too many humans... make a scene..._ Turning to face me, he said, "Aro would simply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all." I saw him remember Aro giving him these instructions, but I doubted the meaning behind the words. I had seen far too much of Aro's mind to believe it would be so simple.

Trying to keep up the polite appearance, I said, "Certainly, but the girl goes free."

"I'm afraid that's not possible. We do have rules to obey."  _The girl knows too much._

"Then  _I'm_  afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri."

My refusal was exactly what Felix wanted to hear. "That's just fine," he grinned in anticipation.

"Aro will be disappointed," Demetri said with a sigh. Aro had instructed him to bring me back alive. He was still anticipating me entering his services.  _...drag your body back in pieces if I have to..._

"I'm sure he'll survive the letdown." They were determined to deliver me to their master no matter what my response and moved to attack me, spreading out as much as they could in the narrow alley.

_Calm down, Edward. Don't bother fighting them,_  Alice's thought suddenly sounded in my head. An image of myself, headless, and Bella in Felix's crushing grip flashed through my mind and I whipped my head in Alice's direction, the fear I felt growing worse as the clear image of Bella's death filled my mind.

"Let's behave ourselves, shall we?" her trilling voice echoed in the alley. "There are ladies present." Alice skipped to my side, her thoughts overwhelming relief at finding me alive. No longer outnumbering me, Felix and Demetri relaxed their postures, unwilling to have Bella escape while Alice and I both fought to protect her. "We're not alone," Alice reminded them, indicating the humans gathered just outside of the alley.

Demetri glanced behind himself and saw a small family watching us. I recognized the girl from that morning with a start.  _How close I had been to taking her life,_  I thought with disgust. The parents were watching our confrontation, saw my protective stance in front of Bella and recognized the menace emanating from Felix and Demetri's cloaked figures. As Demetri watched, the father walked up to an official, bringing us to their attention.

"Please, Edward," Demetri turned back to me with a shake of his head, "let's be reasonable."

Their idea of reason and mine were far different. Still attempting cordiality, I agreed with the words, if not his meaning, "Let's, and we'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser."

Frustrated at my stubbornness, he sighed. "At least let us discuss this more privately."

Clenching my teeth together, I growled, "No," my eyes locked on Felix's delighted smile.

"Enough." From behind us, came another of Aro's guard and I lowered my arms in defeat, recognizing her at once.  _How long does it take to catch one worthless vampire?_

"Jane," I sighed. She was annoyed at having to come and fetch me.

_Hmm, he has been joined by another vampire. And a human. A human who smells… delicious._ "Follow me," she said in a bored voice and turned back to reenter the palace, knowing we would be right behind her.

Felix was delighted, smirking at me and anticipating what he knew was coming. Jane was picturing herself tormenting my Bella solely for the pleasure of it. He gestured for us to follow her, the politeness of the motion belied by the tenor of his thoughts.

Alice followed Jane without hesitating. Terrified, I wrapped my arm around Bella's waist, thrilling even now at the feel of her body pressed against mine. She looked up at me and I could see the questions and the fear in her eyes. Trying not to let her see the same fear in mine, I shook my head at her. Now was not the time for me to answer her questions. Her heart was frantic, her breathing shallow and fast as we followed the vampires into their dark corridors.

"Well, Alice," I said, needing a few answers of my own, "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here."

"It was my mistake. It was my job to set it right." Her tone was light, unconcerned, unlike her mind which was racing with the shifting possibilities. Uninterested – for the moment – in what  _might_  happen, I needed to know what  _had_  happened.

"What happened?" I asked, forcing myself to sound calm.

"It's a long story," she said, with a glance at Bella. "In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about the extreme sports these days."

I felt the heat radiating off of Bella as she blushed at these words. But, though Alice's tone was light, I saw the truth in her mind. She ran through her memories of three days ago for me. I saw her watch Bella walking toward the lip of an enormous cliff, saw the dark waters below which were heaving with the force of an approaching storm.

I could clearly see Bella's despairing expression as she stepped up to the edge and stretched herself up to the sky in preparation. Her eyes were shadowed with dark rings around them. Her usually pink skin a dull grey, her full cheeks shallow. Her face looked as hollow as I had felt. Her lips were tight, pulling down at the corners.

Then, in horror, I saw her smile. It was a wild, exhilarated expression, the very smile that had haunted my thoughts for months. The very smile I had longed for, wanting her to be happy again.

_No!_  I thought as she flung herself into the air.

I heard the triumph in her shout as she plummeted toward the deadly waters below. Then, as in Alice's previous visions of Bella, a strange blankness came over the scene, blocking my view of her surfacing, of her surviving the fall as I knew she must have.

_She says she wasn't trying to kill herself,_ Alice thought to me,  _but I don't believe her._

_No,_ I thought to myself,  _neither do I._

I watched as Alice ran to the airport, her feet flying over the snowy ground, knowing it was already too late. She watched for Bella, looking for her over and over, but there was only blankness. Her sight was still blocked by whatever strange barrier had been affecting her for months, now.

When she finally reached Charlie's house, there was no one home. She let herself in to wait. I felt her remembered surprise as a familiar truck pulled up to the house, but she still couldn't see anything. Listening hard, she heard voices, raised and angry. She waited in the dark, her small body tense as an unknown person opened the door and turned on the light. Shocked beyond words to see Bella standing there, she gaped at her for a second before Bella flung herself at Alice.

" _Alice, oh, Alice!"_ Bella's voice cried in Alice's memory and she was suddenly wrapped around her, gasping and crying on Alice's shoulders.

" _Bella?"_  Alice had exclaimed, not believing the evidence of her eyes, her ears, her skin, her nose. Dragging the incoherent girl over to the couch, fighting the flame that Bella's scent ignited in her throat, Alice pulled Bella onto her lap, rubbing her back and attempting to calm her down enough to get some much needed answers. I caught the memory of her usually perfect scent, marred by a strange muskiness, a dirty, almost rotten odor.

" _I'm… sorry,"_ Bella had gasped,  _"I'm just… so happy… to see you!"_

" _It's okay, Bella. Everything's okay."_

" _Yes,"_ Bella had agreed, tears still streaming down her face, her body trembling and her breath gasping.

" _I'd forgotten how exuberant you are,"_ Alice had commented, still fighting her thirst.

" _Oh. Sorry,"_ Bella had said, pulling away as she realized Alice was straining away from her.

" _It's my own fault. It's been too long since I hunted. I shouldn't let myself get so thirsty, but I was in a hurry today."_  Like me, my family had not had much desire to hunt lately. I felt guilty at causing everyone so much pain, but fought it down for the moment, needing to finish getting my questions answered now, before I had to concentrate on what was coming. And before I had to try to figure out a way out of the mess I had made. _"Speaking of which, would you like to explain to me how you're alive?"_

Bella's tears stopped suddenly and she looked at Alice with a guilty expression.  _"You saw me fall."_

" _No. I saw you_ jump _."_  Alice had glared at Bella.

Bella didn't answer Alice. Seeing Bella through Alice's eyes, I noticed how thin she looked, her eyes shadowed with grief and sleeplessness. Her mouth turned down at the corners, the faint crease between her eyes evidence of her sorrows. I felt my heart twist, knowing what I had done to her.

" _I told him this would happen, but he didn't believe me. 'Bella promised',"_ she imitated my voice.  _"'Don't go looking for her future, either. We've done enough damage'. But just because I'm not looking, doesn't mean I don't_ see," she explained to Bella, just as she had to me.

_"I wasn't keeping tabs on you, I swear, Bella. It's just that I'm already attuned to you… when I saw you jumping, I didn't think, I just got on a plane. I knew I would be too late, but I couldn't do_ nothing. _And then I get here, thinking maybe I could help Charlie somehow, and you drive up."_  She was shaking her head, confused as to  _why_  she couldn't see.

_"I saw you go into the water and I waited and waited for you to come up, but you didn't. What happened? And how could you do that to Charlie? Did you stop to think what this would do to him? And my brother? Do you have any idea what Edward – "_  whatever she had been about to say to Bella about me, I didn't know, as Bella interrupted her.

" _Alice, I wasn't committing suicide."_

" _Are you saying you didn't jump off a cliff?"_

" _No, but… it was for recreational purposes only."_ She saw Alice's disbelieving expression and continued,  _"I'd seen some of Jacob's friends cliff diving. It looked like… fun, and I was bored…"_ Alice was still eyeing her, disbelieving.  _"I didn't think about how the storm would affect the currents. Actually, I didn't think about the water much at all."_  She paused, seeing Alice's doubt.  _"So if you saw me go in, why didn't you see Jacob?"_

This was the second time she had mentioned that name and I felt an irrational jealousy flare inside of me. As if I had any right to be jealous.  _I_  had left  _her,_  after all, with the intention that she move on. I knew that she had been friendly with a member of the Quileute tribe with that name and guessed she had maintained her friendship with him. It had been Jacob Black who had told Bella what I was, though he didn't believe it himself. He'd thought his father was a silly, superstitious old man. As if there were really such things as vampires. He was just entertaining her with scary stories, but Bella had known them for what they were: the truth. Monsters did exist and I was one.

" _It's true that I probably would have drowned if Jacob hadn't jumped in after me. Well, okay, there's no probably about it. But he did, and he pulled me out, and I guess he towed me back to shore, though I was kind of out for that part. It couldn't have been more than a minute that I was under before he grabbed me. How come you didn't see that?"_  She voiced the question that was in both mine and Alice's minds.

" _Someone pulled you out?"_

" _Yes. Jacob saved me."_  Jacob, again.

The strange odor surrounding Bella seeming to suddenly stand out to Alice, she leaned in to take a deep breath, frowning in confusion.  _"Don't be ridiculous,"_ she muttered to herself, smelling Bella's odd scent over and over, trying to place it. It was unfamiliar,  _wrong_ , bad.

" _What are you doing?"_  she asked Alice.

" _Who was with you out there just now? It sounded like you were arguing."_

" _Jacob Black. He's… sort of my best friend, I guess. At least he was…"_  her face fell, saddened for some reason, but I didn't have time to guess why as Alice didn't pause in her rapid run through of their conversation. Disregarding him as unimportant for the moment, I concentrated on what Alice was showing me.

" _What?"_ she asked, seeing Alice's confusion.

" _I don't know. I'm not sure what it means."_

" _Well, I'm not dead, at least."_

" _He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy,"_  she said, rolling her eyes.

She was right about one thing at least. I  _was_  a fool. I was a fool for ever leaving her, for underestimating her feelings for me, for thinking I could ever live without my Bella.

" _I survived."_ I heard the annoyance in her voice and wanted to laugh. Bella was a care-taker. She thought it her job to care for others and didn't like when others tried to do for her what she so gracefully did for them.

Alice, though was thinking about Bella's jump into the strong waters.

" _So, if the currents were too much for you, how did this Jacob manage?"_

" _Jacob is… strong."_ Bella was hiding something, Alice could tell just as well as I could. Bella chewed on her lip, seeming reluctant to tell Alice more. Then, in a rush, she spoke again, and if my heart was not already dead, it would have stopped at her words.  _"See, well, he's… sort of a werewolf. The Quileutes turn into wolves when there are vampires around. They know Carlisle from a long time ago. Were you with Carlisle back then?"_

Werewolves?! But the pack that had protected the small tribe had died out years ago! Before moving back to Forks, Carlisle and I had been careful to observe them and we had ascertained that they were all very much human. I remembered Jacob butting in at the prom last year, too, and there had been no trace of wolf stink on him then.

As shocked as I was, but for another reason, Alice muttered,  _"Well, I guess that explains the smell, but does it explain what I didn't see?"_

" _The smell?"_

" _You smell awful."_  Awful didn't come close to describing it. Her usual perfection was sullied by the wolves' stench. She smelled… like an animal. A  _dead_  animal. It was horrible.  _"A werewolf? Are you sure about that?"_

" _Very sure."_ I heard the conviction in her voice, and felt fear shoot through me. I could tell that Bella had seen them in their huge, terrifying wolf form herself. Even knowing she was here beside me, I felt terror at the thought of her anywhere near such a monster.  _"I guess you weren't with Carlisle the last time there were werewolves here in Forks?"_

" _No. I hadn't found him yet."_ Alice was going over the Bella's disappearance in conjunction with her revelation of her savior's nature when she asked suddenly,  _"Your best friend is a werewolf?"_

Bella nodded, her expression guilty.

" _How long as this been going on?"_

" _Not long. He's only been a werewolf for just a few weeks."_

Angry at how Bella's life seemed to be one near disaster after another, Alice growled,  _"A_ young  _werewolf? Even worse! Edward was right – you're a magnet for danger. Weren't you supposed to be staying out of trouble?"_

Bella's expression was angry now, defensive,  _"There's nothing wrong with werewolves."_

" _Until they lose their tempers."_  Alice was shaking her head. Unlike Alice, I  _had_  known the pack from the last time we were in Forks. We had told her and Jasper all that we knew of them and I could recall all too well their volatile natures, how easy to anger they were, and how violent their transformations were. Just to be near a werewolf was to risk her life.  _"Leave it to you, Bella. Anyone else would be better off when the vampires left town. But you have to start hanging out with the first monsters you can find."_

Aware of Alice's tension, I looked at her sharply. She was hesitating sharing her next memory with me. What could be worse than hanging out with werewolves? What was she hiding from me? She saw my frown and decided I needed to know the truth.

" _No, Alice,"_  Bella had said,  _"the vampires didn't really leave – not all of them, anyway. That's the whole trouble. If it weren't for the werewolves, Victoria would have gotten me by now. Well, if it weren't for Jake and his friends, Laurent would have gotten me before she could, I guess, so – "_

My thoughts echoed Alice's next words,  _"Victoria? Laurent?"_

" _Danger magnet, remember?"_ Bella had said, pointing at herself.

_Victoria! Laurent! Victoria was hunting Bella?! Victoria was in Forks?!_ I was sickened. While I wandered in Rio, wallowing in misery, the very vampire I had been hunting was trying to kill my only reason for living. She hadn't been after me after all, not directly. As I had killed James, she wanted to kill  _Bella_.

"Hm," I said, furious now. Well, Bella was with me now, and if we somehow made it safely out of this, I would do a much better job of finding Victoria this time. And when I found her, I would  _annihilate_  her!

The long corridors of Volterra are made to keep humans out. The ground level entrances into the castle lead to dead end offices, staffed by humans who ran the business of tourism with fake tours going nowhere near the living areas of the castle inhabited by vampires. The entrances that lead to the vampires are nearly impossible to reach for a human, unless of course, escorted by a vampire. Usually these escorted "tours" end in a meal, with the tourists as the main course. This time, I had to escort Bella. Bringing her into their lair was the last thing I wanted to do, but to refuse outright would lead to our immediate deaths, as I was well aware.

The corridor we were following dead ended where a drain sank into the ground. The grate that covered it was lifted off easily by Felix. It would have taken more humans than could fit into the small space to lift the heavy cover. Alice dropped down into the dark hole without hesitating.

_Go ahead and drop Bella, Edward. I'll catch her,_  Alice told me.

Catching sight of the deep, black hole we were heading toward, Bella stopped moving forward and I heard her heart stutter and begin pounding hard in fear. Felix heard this as well and chuckled softly.

I wanted to comfort her, but we were being closely watched by Felix and Demetri. I looked into her fearful face and said in a low voice, "It's alright, Bella. Alice will catch you."

My brave Bella swallowed hard and crouched at the edge of the hole, lowering her legs into the black space. "Alice?" she whispered in a trembling voice.

"I'm right here, Bella," she called back.

I took her wrists in my hands, holding her carefully in my iron grip. Her wrists were so tiny and fragile, her bones like a small bird's, so easily broken.

"Ready?" I asked her.

Bella didn't answer, so Alice said, "Drop her." Watching through Alice's eyes, I could see Bella dangling directly above her as I released my grip and let her fall into the blackness. I smiled in pride as she didn't even whimper, falling silently until Alice caught her. They moved over to make room for me and I jumped down. As soon as I landed, I pulled Bella's body against mine and pulled her deeper into Hell.

Bella wrapped her arms around my waist, the uneven stones catching her feet as we walked. She would have fallen many times if not for my tight hold on her. As we walked, I was unable to resist touching her face, reaching over to trace her soft lips with my thumb, trailing my fingers down her cheeks, along her jaw, smoothing the crease in her forehead. I pressed my lips into her hair over and over, glorying in its soft texture against my hard skin. She was silent, clutching me tightly, her heartbeat and breathing the only sounds I could hear.

The tunnels were made for vampires, not humans, and were not lit except for the drains from far above. I doubted Bella could see much, but I never took my eyes off of her. I had missed seeing her face for far too long. Her face was drawn, her lips pressed together tightly, her eyes wide. Even as scared as she was, her face was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

The walk was a long one, made longer by her slow pace, her stumbling steps. Felix sighed in frustration behind us; he wished that I would just pick her up and carry her. The thought of her in my arms was tempting, but the longer it took us to reach Aro and the death which surely awaited us, the longer I would have to spend with her. I could have happily walked beside her in this dark, dank tunnel for days.

Her slight body began to tremble against mine and at first I thought it was fear until I realized her clothes were wet and her teeth were chattering. Understanding that she was cold and knowing my skin would chill her further, I tried to pull away from her but she clutched me tighter, stuttering, "N-n-no." Overjoyed that she seemed as unwilling as I was for any kind of a separation, I rubbed my hand up and down her arm, trying to bring her warmth to her skin.

We passed through several doorways, into a long brightly lit lobby where Jane was waiting by an elevator. The small vampire was a contradiction. She looked sweet, her face was young – she had been about twelve years old at the time of her transformation. She was child-like, resembling a porcelain doll, her figure still boyish, her lips full with round cheeks, her young face framed by light brown hair that hung unevenly around her chin. For all of that, her presence was commanding, terrifying. She was thinking with pleasure of the tour that was to happen later that day. Jane enjoyed playing with her food and a large group was being flown in.

Aro had shared with the coven my ability to read minds. Her abilities made mine look like a parlor trick and I knew that she was planning on demonstrating them for me. She replayed her last meal for me and how she had made the humans scream before allowing them to die. I was glaring at Jane, livid at the thought of Bella hurting because of me any more than she already had.

Jane, Demetri, Felix, Alice, Bella, and I got on the elevator and I almost laughed at the absurdity of it. It seemed so every day, so  _human_ , even down to the music playing through hidden speakers as we descended further into Hell. Bella stood as far from the others as she could, plainly terrified of them. I kept my arms wrapped tight around her, still rubbing her arm.

The room the elevator opened into would have been more at home in a high end office building. The carpeted floors and wood paneled walls which were hung with pleasant paintings enclosed a reception area complete with comfortable looking couches, end tables with vases full of fresh flowers, and a huge desk, where a human woman sat.

"Good afternoon, Jane," the woman said, pleasantly. She was intrigued by the way Bella and I clung to each other, her thoughts turning to Felix with pleasure. He winked at her as he passed and she giggled, the sound strangely girlish in comparison with her very womanly figure. I hid my revulsion as he eyed her, his mind anticipating the way she would feel against him as he took her life.

"Gianna," Jane returned, nodding in her direction.

We passed through a set of double doors into a large office where yet another of Aro's guard waited. It was the altar boy who had escorted me from the church into the castle. The boy was Jane's twin brother Alec, looking very much like his sister except that her hair was longer and his lips not quite as full. His power, too, was formidable. More frightening in its own way than Jane's, his power an opposite reflection of hers. Where she caused pain, he caused a complete absence of sensation. Sight, sound, smell, touch – the subject of Alec's power would sense nothing.

"Jane," he greeted her, holding his arms out to her.

"Alec," she purred, entering his embrace. They kissed each other on the cheeks, first one side, then the other, and then he turned to us.

"They send you out for one and you come back with two… and a half. Nice work." Jane laughed and I saw him eyeing Bella doubtfully. "Welcome back, Edward. You seem in a better mood."

Although this was true – my joy at holding Bella was without equal – my terror of what was coming made the statement false. I hated their games, their studied politeness that made what they were seem so dreadful in comparison. If they acted like the monsters that they were, how much simpler things would be. Instead, we had to play this ridiculous charade of honored guests at what was likely to be our own funeral.

"Marginally," I allowed.

"And this is the cause of all the trouble?" he asked, indicating the angel at my side. I was grateful that he was blind to her perfection. I did not want her to appeal to them in any way. Unfortunately, my Bella was far too appealing and my contemptuous smile froze on my face as I caught Felix's desire for her.

"Dibs," he said from behind us. I turned slowly to face him, feeling a harsh growl building in my chest. He saw my desire to spring at him and he raised his hand curling his fingers toward himself twice.  _Bring it,_  he thought.

Alice placed her hand on my arm. "Patience," she warned me, showing me what would happen if I were to attack him now. Trying to remain calm with the image of Bella's death in my mind, I breathed slowly, attempting to force the future to change by altering the direction of my thoughts. The possibilities flickered by me, changing so fast it was hard to focus on any one course of action. I saw my own and Bella's death far too often. That I never saw Alice's was equally disturbing. Aro intended to keep her no matter what. The only thing keeping me sane was the occasional flicker of the three of us driving away from Volterra into the night. I would do everything in my power to make that future happen.

When I turned back to Alec, he spoke as though nothing had happened. "Aro will be so pleased to see you again."

"Let's not keep him waiting," said Jane, seemingly bored. Her calm surface made me tighten my hold on Bella as I nodded.

The palace was huge and we went through hidden doorways, up winding stairs, and more long corridors – some brightly lit, decorated with gold and marble, others more of the same dark, dank tunnels as we had first entered. Finally, we entered the very room I had spoken with Aro in that morning. Knowing where the drain in the center of the floor led, I ground my teeth together. This was their dining room. The nauseating smell I hoped Bella could not detect coming from the drain was the remains of their previous meals.


	16. Verdict

  **Verdict**

During our earlier meetings, the room had been occupied only by Aro, Marcus, Caius, and a few of their guard, Felix, Chelsea, and Renata. Now, though Marcus and Caius were absent, much of the rest of the coven was present, wanting to see the entertainment we were bound to provide. I ground my teeth together and tried to remain calm. It would not do to let Bella see how scared I was. I wondered how she was maintaining her outward air of calm, the only hint to her nervousness in how tightly she clung to me, her trembling breaths, and how fast her heart raced. Proud once again of my Bella's courage, I took heart, borrowing from her strength and the knowledge of our love to see me through this ordeal.

As enthusiastic as ever, Aro's voice rang out as he welcomed our party. "Jane, dear one, you've returned!" As though she had been gone for months rather than minutes, he swept over to her and lightly kissed her mouth.

"Yes, Master," she said, her pleasure in his approval evident. "I brought him back alive, just as you wished." _…those idiots were about to dismember him, and the sister you wanted so much…_

"Ah, Jane, you are such a comfort to me," he smiled at her and her face glowed, a smile touching her lips. I knew she'd been speaking directly to him, knowing he would hear her thoughts while he touched her.

Then Aro turned his attention to us with a broad smile. "And Alice and Bella, too! This _is_ a happy surprise! Wonderful!" I hated hearing her name on his lips, and pressed my own together to avoid saying something we would all regret.

As he had done earlier when attempting to convince me to join him rather than die, he kept trying to hide his thoughts from me. The images were clear to me, though, even if I only caught a word or two. The guard had tracked the progress of a car that had attempted to force itself through the restricted city. Demetri hadn't recognized the driver, but his tracking instincts had told him a vampire was driving. He'd been shocked to see a human in the passenger seat.

Disgusted, I realized they had _known_. Aro had allowed the events to play out, curious to see how it would end. How the suspense had thrilled him! Would the human girl reach me in time, or would Felix tear me apart?

"Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss this."

"Yes, Master," Felix replied as Jane had done and melted back through the doorway.

"You see, Edward? What did I tell you? Aren't you glad that I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?" His tone was condescending, like he was scolding a small child.

I knew it would not be in our best interests to antagonize him, so avoided mentioning his deception, though my fear increased yet again. I felt my arms tighten around Bella and I answered truthfully, "Yes, Aro, I am."

"I love a happy ending," Aro said with a sigh. "They are so rare. But I want the whole story. How did this happen? Alice?" he turned to face her. "Your brother seemed to think you infallible, but apparently there was some mistake."

He had watched my memories of Alice's visions, how my family relied on them, how I had seen them come true time and again. If Alice had had a vision of Bella dying, how was it that she was there to stand at my side?

"Oh, I'm far from infallible," she assured him. She, too, was attempting to remain nonchalant, her tightly balled fists the only visible evidence of her anxiety. She had no more desire than I did to become a part of his coven, her visions flickering faster than I could catch them as every word, every facial expression, affected how this day would end. "As you can see today, I cause problems as often as I cure them."

"You're too modest," Aro scolded her. "I've seen some of your more amazing exploits and I must admit I've never observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!"

Alice glanced at me, knowing I must have had no choice but to tell him of her. _Seen? How can he have seen me? Nevermind._ _It's not important, Edward. It'll be okay…_

I swallowed hard, wishing I could feel as certain. Having seen Carlisle's memories of the Volturi for myself, I had known of Aro's talent. He had not shared as much of this part of his past with Alice and she did not know the details of the coven the way I did. I felt guilty, exposing Alice to Aro as I had. That I had been out of my mind with grief was no excuse. Alice was my sister, and had I put her in danger.

"I'm sorry," Aro said as though he was caught being an impolite host, "we haven't been introduced properly at all, have we? It's just that I feel like I know you already, and I tend to get a little ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. You see, I share some of your brother's talent, only I am limited in a way that he is not." He was shaking his head ruefully.

"And also exponentially more powerful." _Limited_ , I scoffed. I turned to Alice to explain. "Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more than I do. You know I can only hear what's passing through your head in the moment. Aro hears every thought your mind has ever had."

I saw her eyes widen as she took in my meaning. _Every thought? So that's why he wants me so badly. He would be able to see my visions of the future… all of them… and would use me to gain yet more power, more control._

I nodded.

"But to be able to hear from a distance…" Aro sighed in longing and gestured toward us. "That would be so _convenient._ "

_And that's why he wants_ you _. We would add the present and the future to his past._ I felt her icy fear. This was why only rarely did she see us escaping. Aro wanted us, both of us. Badly. My talent would extend his own, but he wanted Alice especially.

Aro's attention was drawn behind us and we all turned to see Felix escorting Marcus and Caius. "Marcus, Caius, look!" he exclaimed in his sing-song voice. "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?" Though neither of them responded, Aro's fascination did not waver. "Let us have the story."

Marcus paused and brushed his hand against Aro's. He raised an eyebrow in surprise at what Marcus had shared. Aro had considered my desire to die melodramatic and unnecessary – so I had lost a girlfriend, so what? She was only a human – but even though he had seen my memories, apparently they had not been enough to convey to him the depth of my feelings for Bella, and certainly not hers for me. He had thought it was merely her blood that drew me, as blind to her perfection as any human. I snorted, contemptuous. Alice glanced at me, questioning what had happened.

"Thank you, Marcus. That's quite interesting." Aro commented. He saw a way to get what he wanted, was jubilant. Marcus's bored expression never changed as he took his seat. Shaking his head, staring at us with a new understanding, Aro murmured to himself, "Amazing. Absolutely amazing." _…truly, a family, not a coven… and family members would sacrifice much to save their loved ones…_ He met my eyes. _I wonder, dear Edward, how much are you willing to sacrifice… to save your singer's life? …_

In his mind, I saw flickering images of Alice with a black cloak and red eyes, and another of myself dressed the same way. I could tell Aro was trying _not_ to think of such things, but he was not used to shielding his thoughts. The harder he tried not to think of them, the more clear the images became.

_What? Edward, what is going on?_ Alice was frustrated. She was so used to knowing more than those around her and her lack of understanding of this group of dangerous predators had her upset and anxious.

I explained quickly, "Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours." I knew that what surprised Marcus was not just Bella and I, but that of the three of us for each other; Bella and Alice, Alice and myself. I wondered briefly how he would have reacted to the rest of my family. We were unusually close, our bonds of love strong, unwavering. Aro planned on using our ties to each other to bind us to _him_.

"So convenient." Aro knew that I was answering Alice's unspoken question and smiled. "It takes quite a bit to surprise Marcus, I can assure you." He pondered Bella for a moment, recalling my memories of her scent, the affect she had had on me that first day, the affect he was sure she was having on me now.

"It's just so difficult to understand, even now," and he inhaled, tasting her scent for himself. He didn't deny her appeal, but knew that it was a pale shadow of how she smelled to _me_. "How can you stand so close to her like that?"

"It's not without effort," I told him, truthfully. After seven months away, the resistance I had built up against her pull was gone. Strangely, though, as much as she pulled at me, as strong as her blood smelled to me, my need to drink her was… gone.

"But still," he persisted, " _la tua cantante!_ What a waste!" _…to live on animal blood…_ and I caught the revulsion in his mind at this thought _…and then to be given such a treasure and not partake!? …_

I laughed derisively. How little he knew. "I look at it more as a price." If the cost of her life was to forgo a moment of pleasure, I would pay for the gift of her life gladly. The brief pleasure that drinking her blood again would give to me could never be enough to make up for eternity without her. The very thought of tasting her was no longer one of desire, but was now one of pain.

"A very high price," he said, seeing my memories again, showing me what it had been like to taste her blood.

"Opportunity cost." I clenched my jaw against the memory, but it didn't have the effect on me that he intended. The burning in my throat was nothing to me. There was no pain that could equal what her death had done to me.

He mocked me, laughing, "If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone's blood could be so strong. I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such a gift, and yet you…"

"Waste it," I snarled. Annoyed, I narrowed my eyes at him. There was so little he wanted out of his life. To gather about himself any powerful creature to serve him, to acquire knowledge, and to feed – his thirst for people's memories was surpassed only by his thirst for blood.

He laughed at me again, "Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him – only he was not so angry."

"Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well," I answered, my respect for my father apparent in my voice. Carlisle had been my role-model for decades, but I always fell short of his example. Rosalie had been right to call me a selfish jerk.

"I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self-control of all things, but you put him to shame." … _never imagined that even Carlisle would be able to_ work _with bleeding humans ...in a hospital, of all places…_

"Hardly," I said, truly angry now. I hated being a source of entertainment to him. I could imagine only too well how he would torment me in much the same way he had Carlisle were I to enter his service. My ability to resist the call of Bella's blood was still astounding to him, and I felt his desire to see how far he could push me.

"I am gratified by his success," Aro said, recalling at the same time as I did how he used to offer bleeding humans to try to tempt Carlisle. "Your memories of him are quite a gift for me, though they astonish me exceedingly. I am surprised by how it… _pleases_ me, his success in this unorthodox path he's chosen. I expected that he would waste, weaken with time. I'd scoffed at his plan to find others who would share his peculiar vision. Yet, somehow, I'm happy to be wrong." I knew that he spoke the truth. I had seen when he watched my memories how he delighted in Carlisle's self-control.

"But _your_ restraint!" he said with a sigh, and I saw him remember the way her blood had tasted to me - saw it and knew that he was deliberately taunting me with the memory this time. "I did not know such restraint was possible. To inure yourself against such a siren call, not just once, but again and again – if I had not felt it myself, I would not have believed."

He waited, watching me for a reaction. I held myself still, watching Alice see me die again and again, at every choice I made. Every choice but this one: to do nothing. It was unbelievably difficult! Everything in me wanted to rip him to pieces.

He taunted me once more, "Just remembering how she appeals to you… it makes me thirsty." He imagined himself tasting her and I tensed to spring at him, furious.

_No! Edward, this is what he wants!_ Alice cried. It took every ounce of self control I had not to fling myself at the monster. Concentrating on Bella, I counted her frantic heartbeats, heard her trembling breaths. I knew she was terrified and held myself still. I had to get her out of here, to safety. Sending a silent thanks to Alice, I waited for Aro's next move.

… _however …I would even be willing to let the human go… so long as you …or at least your_ sister _remained…_ He paused and considered his memories of my life. Specifically, the times when my temper had gotten me into trouble. He'd been sure he would be able to provoke me into an attack which would allow him to negotiate with me. In exchange for letting Bella live after I attempted to attack him, I would be forced to agree to serve him.

… _could the human's death be the only thing to convince this boy to attack me… hold her life in my hands… kill her right now before he could stop me…_ Vividly, he pictured Bella's death for me, certain I would react. He eyed me, waiting calmly for me to attack him. I couldn't hold back the low rumble in my chest, but I refused to move.

Surprised by my lack of response, he said, soothingly, "Don't be disturbed, I mean her no harm." He decided to change the direction of his attack. "But I am _so_ curious, about one thing in particular. May I?" he asked me, eyeing Bella in delight. How it would please him to be able to read her silent mind. Almost as excited by the prospect as he was – to be able to hear at last into her thoughts – I was still furious at his dismissal of her, like she was my pet, to ask permission of _me_ to allow him to read her.

"Ask _her_."

"Of course, how rude of me!" he turned to her now, looking at her in anticipation. "Bella, I'm fascinated that you are the one exception to Edward's impressive talent – so very interesting that such a thing should occur! And I was wondering, since our talents are similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as to allow me to try – to see if you are an exception for _me_ , as well?"

Looking into her face once again – at last – her terrified eyes met mine and I did my best to contain my fury and my fear. She needed me to be strong for her, just as I needed her strength. I did _not_ want him anywhere near her. For him to invade her mind as he had done mine was repulsive to me. I wondered what she thought of him, if seeing this ancient monster would change in any way the way she saw me. Hoping for her sake that he would be unable to read her, and hoping – selfishly – for mine that he would, I nodded to her. We really had little choice either way, just as I had had none the previous time.

Her trembling fingers the only evidence of her fear, she raised her hand toward him and he hastened to her, eager. Taking her hand in his, covering them with his other as he had with mine, he stared into her eyes. I watched as he first looked at her with confidence - he had never been thwarted and was sure there was some flaw in me that made me unable to hear her – then, incredulous, he stared at her as he saw… nothing.

I smirked in satisfaction.

"So very interesting," he said, truly amazed. Never had he been blocked before. I saw him begin to understand my fascination with her, but this only heightened my anxiety. Realizing that his attack on me would need to be more direct, he came to a sudden decision. He shook his head and said, "A first. I wonder if she is immune to our other talents… Jane, dear?"

"No!" I cried, and prepared myself to leap at Aro.

Alice grabbed my arm, _Don't, Edward!_ But I shook her off, terrified. Jane's memories of tormenting her human victims were vivid in my mind.

"Yes, Master?" Jane was smiling now, anticipating Bella's screams.

Growling furiously at Aro, only Alice's certain knowledge of Bella's immediate death if I acted kept me from launching myself at his hideous form. Shock swirled around the room. None of _them_ understood why I would react so violently at the threat of harm to a human. Aro, though, knew exactly what he was doing. Felix laughed silently and moved to defend Aro. He had been wanting to rip me to shreds for too long not to act now. Aro didn't want me harmed, though. He wanted my service and could not get that if Felix killed me. Aro's commanding glare stopped him, but I never took my eyes off of Aro.

Aro ignored me, continuing to address Jane, "I was wondering dear one, if Bella is immune to _you_."

Barely conscious of Alice's cry of "Don't!" I launched myself, not at Aro, but at Jane, who turned to smile at me. At once, I felt in every cell the fires of my transformation, while at the same time, the cumulative pain of the past seven months swept through me. I felt the misery of missing Bella combined with the horror of seeing her smile as she threw herself off of the cliff. But worse – far worse – was the knowledge that I had caused her death, that she had killed herself because of me.

Incapable of moving, I fell to the ground and writhed in agony, forgetting for the moment that Bella was alive and standing just feet away from me. All I knew was the pain of her loss, of her death at my hands. All I could see was her face, floating in dark water, with her hair swirling around her still lifeless form. It went on for years - _centuries_ \- and I knew with certainty that I had indeed died and was burning in Hell for my sins.

With a suddenness that left me gasping, it was over. I lay on the floor, cold, undamaged in body if not in mind. Reeling, I gradually heard the only sound that meant anything to me - a frantic heart beat, one I would recognize no matter how long I had been apart from her. Bella is _not_ dead! As this realization swept through me, I sat up. In the same instant, I felt Jane's mind stab once again, but not at me this time. I leapt to my feet, looking with horror at Bella as she met my eyes with the same expression.

I waited in dread to see her fall to the ground, determined to pound Jane into dust the moment she was distracted, but Bella only stood still, clasped in Alice's arms, watching me with grief in her eyes. I felt Jane's mind push harder at Bella. The echo of the pain she was trying to cause her seared across my skin from the fierceness of her concentration, but still, Bella did not move.

I glanced at Jane, seeing an angry scowl contorting her face at being thwarted.

Relief flooded me then as I knew that my Bella - the exception to _every_ rule - was immune to Jane as well. Instantly, I was at Bella's side, pulling her trembling body against mine.

"Ha, ha, ha! This is wonderful!" exclaimed Aro. I heard Jane's intention to spring at Bella, to _force_ her to suffer one way or another, but Aro stopped her. "Don't be put out, dear one. She confounds us all." He placed a hand on her shoulder, gripping her tight to make her stay in place. She was hissing in fury, glaring at Bella. Aro continued to chuckle, then he turned to me.

"You are very brave, Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once – just out of curiosity." He shook his head and my lips curled in disgust. Bravery had nothing to do with it. I couldn't imagine screaming doing anyone any good when in Hell. It certainly had made no difference during my transformation.

The preliminaries over with now, I could feel him building up to the reason we were there.

"So what do we do with you now?" Aro wondered, sighing. I felt Alice tense at my side as Aro wavered back and forth, deliberating the options.

"I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind?" he said to me. "Your talent would be an excellent addition to our little company." Watching Alice's visions carefully, I spoke slowly, making sure to know the outcome of every word.

"I'd… rather… not."

"Alice?" Aro turned to her now. "Would you perhaps be interested in joining with us?"

"No, thank you," she said politely.

"And you, Bella?" I hissed at Aro, furious at the direction his attack on me had taken. He envisioned turning Bella, and I knew how much she wanted to be a vampire. I was terrified that she might accept his offer, knowing that if she did, Aro would win all three of us.

"What?" demanded Caius.

"Caius, surely you see the potential. I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec. Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?" Aro's excitement was evident, as was Jane's fury and Felix's disappointment. I couldn't stop myself from growling at the lot of them.

In a small voice that nevertheless was calm, she whispered, "No, thank you," to my immense relief.

"That's unfortunate. Such a waste."

A waste. The very words he had used as I left him the last time to seek my death.

"Join or die, is that it? I suspected as much when we were brought to _this_ room. So much for your laws." I said, scorn in my voice.

I was deliberately reminding him that we had done nothing wrong, nothing to warrant our deaths, at least not according to their rules - or their living arrangements. These vampires lived for their laws. The strength of their coven depended on them. If they were to break their own laws, to kill us without cause, their coven members would know that they could meet the same undeserved fate and their power would crumble.

Aro was surprised at my tone. At the force behind my words. I had seen him savoring Bella's death, enjoying watching me die at Felix's hands for continuing to refuse him. Alice, of course, would be kept alive. Backtracking now, unused to having his own thoughts read, he denied, "Of course not. We were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi's return. Not for you."

"Aro, the law claims them," Caius insisted. The most militant of the three, he was the one who had actually written the laws, and the one who left the castle – with the company of his guard – the most often to enforce them. _Exposure of our world to a human means death._

"How so?" I demanded, forcing him to prove his case to their coven.

Caius pointed at Bella, accusingly, "She knows too much. You have exposed our secrets."

Thinking of Gianna, I pointed out, "There are a few humans in on your charade here, as well."

Sneering at me, Caius responded, "Yes, but when they are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us. That is not your plan for this one. If she betrays our secrets, are you prepared to destroy her? I think not."

Coming to my defense, Bella actually spoke to him. "I wouldn't – " but she broke off when he shot an icy glare at her.

"Nor do you intend to make her one of us," he pointed out, knowing that if I did, I would have done so already. "Therefore, she is a vulnerability. Though it is true, for this, only _her_ life is forfeit. You may leave if you wish."

_How they twisted the laws to suit themselves,_ I thought, my curled lip exposing my teeth to him. In the past, exposure had meant death for all parties involved. But Caius knew that Aro wanted Alice and me in his service. To twist the laws to allow us to live was not – quite – the same as twisting them to demand our deaths.

"That's what I thought," he said, smugly.

Anticipating his master's next orders, Felix leaned toward Bella, his only thoughts revolving around his thirst and anticipation of her taste. Preparing myself to fight him, Aro stopped me with an image of Bella, like the image Alice had seen, cold, with crimson eyes, but standing at his side, protecting him as part of his guard. And at her side: me. My eyes a glowing red. He followed this with another image – the other possibility he was offering me – to grant my initial request of him. I saw myself and Bella dead at his feet, Alice being hauled off, punished for trying to defend me.

"Unless… unless you do intend to give her immortality?" Aro said, hopefully.

I hesitated. I had been tormented by the thought of eternity in Bella's arms. How I wanted that future for myself. But I had seen so much death at the hands of the newborns I had interacted with recently and the thought of her like them… Was the only way to save her life to take her humanity from her?

Temporizing, I spoke, "And if I do?"

Excited at my unexpected willingness, Aro smiled at me, "Why then, you would be free to go home and give my regards to my friend Carlisle." He saw my hesitation, though and said, "But I'm afraid you would have to mean it." He extended his hand to me once again, wanting to see my true intentions.

Pressing my lips hard together to keep them from trembling, I stared into Bella's deep brown eyes, trying to not imagine them a vivid red, trying not to know what that would mean. I knew I couldn't let Aro touch me, because I did _not_ want Bella to be like us.

"Mean it," she whispered to me. "Please." I had never been able to resist giving her what she wanted, but she didn't know what it would mean. Even seeing these monsters, I knew she had some glorified vision of what our life was like. Though she knew I had killed long ago, she didn't know what a constant struggle it was not to do so still. She also did not know that I had killed again. Vampires though they were, they still met death at my hands. I knew what it had done to me and I couldn't bear to see her hate herself, or me for doing that to her. But I had just been through her death once and knew that I would do anything to prevent it from happening again.

I gasped as Alice stepped toward Aro, her hand extended. Feeling he had won a great victory, he swept over to Alice and took her hand in his. I had seen Alice's visions of Bella like us more times than I could count and I knew that she was showing Aro this very future. Using Aro's distraction, I scanned the minds in the room, looking for something that could help us survive without losing the very thing we were fighting to save.

Felix's mind was shallow, existing only to feed and to fight.

Afton had a personal shield, but was more like Felix, a fighter, whose purpose was physical defense.

Jane enjoyed her position as punisher, but was not truly a threat to Bella other than as any vampire was.

Since Jane could not hurt her, Alec's ability was not likely to be affective against Bella either, but even if he were, the absence of sensation was not a weapon Aro would need to use against Bella.

Renata was Aro's personal shield, protecting him from attack. Bella was not about to attack him, nor – with Jane and Felix in such close proximity – would I be able to get close enough to him to do so.

Sampling Chelsea's mind, I understood at last what she had been trying to do to me earlier. Chelsea was a large part of the reason Aro had such a strong following. She caused the members of his guard to be attached to him. As we waited, I felt her trying again and again to bind Alice, Bella, and myself to Aro. She reached out to us, looping her mind around us and tried to forge a link between us and Aro. Every time she did, I felt the sensation of ants crawling over me - a prickling, stinging, drawing me toward Aro. Abruptly, as she stretched the tenuous link in Aro's direction, the ants would disappear, the link broken.

I felt her attempting to sever my links to Alice as well, but she was no more successful in these attempts as she was in linking us to Aro. Chelsea's ability to affect relationships worked only on those loose ties of most coven members. They were easily made and easily broken. While she could strengthen what existed already, she was unable to sever the stronger bonds of love. The power of Bella and my love for each other was far beyond her ability to affect. Though not as strong, the love I felt for my family was unknown to her and well beyond her abilities at any rate.

I knew there were other guard members in the castle, standing watch over Aro and Caius's mates, but they were no threat to Bella or myself.

It was Demetri who I was worried more about. He was a tracker. Unlike my pitiful attempts at tracking Victoria, he was a natural and once he had caught the flavor of a person's mind, he could find them anywhere in the world. There was no place I would be able to hide from him that he could not find me. Bella, on the other hand…

"Ha, ha, ha!" Aro laughed, looking up. "That was _fascinating_!"

Alice smiled at him. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"To see the things you've seen – especially the ones that haven't happened yet!" he was shaking his head, wanting her in his service more now than he had before.

"But that will," Alice said, with calm certainty. I saw her again envision Bella, cold and dead, her eyes a vivid crimson. _No,_ I thought with dread. The other possibility, that of Bella lifeless and still was gone. Bella had but one future, no matter how I fought against it, and Alice was absolutely positive it would come about.

"Yes, yes, it's quite determined. Certainly there's no problem." Aro was delighted. _I_ was _not_.

I felt a flare of hatred from Jane and felt her stab over and over at Bella, trying to find some way past the barrier that protected her. I turned to glare at her, but she was oblivious to me, intent on making Bella _hurt_.

"Aro," Caius protested. He wanted me to suffer for flouting his laws. That I had not actually hunted in his city, that I had not managed to show myself, was irrelevant. I had _meant_ to and he wanted me to pay.

Aro, on the other hand, was patient. He was disappointed that we refused him, but in seeing what Alice had to offer, was willing to wait. "Dear, Caius, do not fret. Think of the possibilities! They do not join us today, but we can always hope for the future. Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household… Besides, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!"

Feeling that we had both won and lost, I said, "Then we are free to go now?"

"Yes, yes. But please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling!" I could see the truth in those words. As I had known from the moment I first walked into the room the previous day, Aro would be entertained by my visit – and Alice and Bella's – for a very long time.

Angry, Caius threatened me, "And we will visit you as well to be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay too long. We do not offer second chances." _And should we find that you have not, I will personally see to it that you watch your human suffer greatly before she dies. You, on the other hand, will live for a long, long time._ I saw myself trapped in a rarely used cell, specially made to hold those vampires the coven wanted to punish.

I ground my teeth together, knowing he meant it. I nodded, acknowledging both his spoken and unspoken words.

I felt Felix's thirst burn and he groaned. He had been certain he would get to feed on Bella.

"Ah, Felix," Aro placated him, "Heidi will be here at any moment. Patience."

I searched and found - far too close - Heidi's thoughts, pleased at her success as she brought a tour group to meet her masters.

"Hmm. In that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather than later," I said, anxious. They were nearly here.

"Yes," Aro agreed, "That's a good idea. Accidents _do_ happen. Please wait below until after dark, though, if you don't mind."

"Of course." I grimaced, knowing they wanted no chance exposure.

"And here," Aro motioned Felix to come close to him and pulled his dark grey cloak off of the hulking vampire's shoulders. He tossed the thing to me, imagining me wearing it willingly while standing by his side. "Take this. You're a little conspicuous." I had left my shirt on the ground under the clock. Unwillingly, I put the cloak on.

Aro hid his laugh. "It suits you." I couldn't help but laugh at his persistence, but suddenly heard Heidi's tour only a few rooms away.

"Thank you, Aro. We'll wait below."

"Goodbye, young friends," he said, hearing them as well and anticipating vividly the meal he was about to enjoy.

"Let's go," I said, unable to hide my urgency. Demetri gestured to me, _Follow me,_ and I pulled Bella out of the horrid room I had thought we would die in.

Alice was seeing the deaths of the humans who were on their way, hearing their screams as Jane took her frustration out on them. "Not fast enough."

"Well this is unusual," said one human.

"So medieval!" said another.

We pressed against the wall to let them past. I heard Aro calling out to them, eagerly. "Welcome, guests! Welcome to Volterra!"

Over forty humans entered the large room, some even taking pictures. There was only one who seemed to realize she was in danger, a tiny old woman carrying a rosary. She kept trying to talk to the others, but they didn't speak her language.

"Please," she said, "where is the church? This is not where I am supposed to go."

I pulled Bella's face to me, hoping to shield her from the knowledge that she was watching these humans walk to their deaths. As soon as I was able, I pushed through, Demetri and Alice close on our heels.

"Welcome home, Heidi," Demetri said to her.

"Demetri," she returned his greeting, looking at me with interest. _…Oh, what did I miss? Do we have a new member of our family?_ _…_ When she saw Bella, her curiosity deepened.

"Nice fishing," Demetri said. Heidi was the main hunter for the coven, though she did not hunt in the normal sense of the word. Her talent made her very persuasive and she convinced humans who could be easily disappeared to come from all over the world to visit a remarkable church and castle, where dinner would be an elaborate affair.

"Thanks. Aren't you coming?"

"In a minute," he assured her. "Save some for me."

With a smirk, she nodded and followed the tour into the Volturi's dining room. Pulling Bella as fast as I could, we were still not fast enough, as Alice had seen. The humans behind us began screaming.

 


	17. Flight

**Flight**

Once back in the wood paneled, carpeted waiting room, Demetri left us, cautioning me again not to leave until dark. I could feel the eyes of the human woman upon me, noticing my cloak, but more shocked that Bella was still alive.

I paid her no attention as Bella was shivering, her entire body shaking in my arms. She was gasping and making harsh groaning cries. Her eyes streamed with tears and she seemed barely able to stand.

"Are you all right?" I asked anxiously.  _Stupid question!_ I thought to myself, but unsure how to help her.

"You'd better make her sit before she falls," Alice warned me. "She's going to pieces."

I pulled her over to one of the couches, as far from the human woman as possible.

"Shh, Bella, shh," I tried to comfort her. It was going to be ok. We were alive and in a few hours we would be going home.

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her," Alice told me calmly.

Bella, who had always amazed me at her composure, was indeed on the verge of hysteria and I looked at Alice frantically. "It's alright, you're safe, it's alright," I said over and over. I pulled her into my embrace, sliding her onto my lap and wrapping the thick cloak around her. Even with her sobbing miserably in my arms, I couldn't help but to feel a profound joy. More than that - I was elated, jubilant, ecstatic. Bella was alive. Alive! We had won our freedom from the monsters that fed nearby, and we were going home.

_Home._

"All those people," she choked out.

"I know," I said quietly. Would this have been enough to show her what being a vampire meant?

"It's so horrible."

"Yes, it is. I wish you hadn't had to see that." And yet, if it finally made her realize that the future she was rushing toward was  _not_  the fairy tale she seemed to think it was, then this day would have been worth it.

She rested her head against my chest as she dried her eyes. Breathing in the scent of her hair, glorying in the fact that my arms were full, my heart was full, my hollow emptiness gone, I closed my eyes and smiled.

"Is there anything I can get you?" the human woman asked me.  _…wonder if the girl would like some food… Or perhaps I could arrange a different type of snack… square below has several hundred people available…_

"No," I told her curtly. She nodded and went about her business.

"Does she know what's going on here?" Bella demanded in an angry whisper.

"Yes. She knows everything," I assured her.

"Does she know they're going to kill her someday?"

"She knows it's a possibility." Bella looked surprised. "She's hoping they'll decide to keep her." I explained. She, of all people, should understand  _that_.

Her face paled. "She wants to be one of them?"

I nodded. I was glad to hear the horror in her words. It seemed that the truth of what I was had finally reached her. I watched her closely – I couldn't look away – as she shuddered and asked, "How can she want that? How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of  _that?"_

I felt my face twist. Would having her finally realize what it was to be a vampire mean she would no longer want any part of me? How could she? I was a horror, just as much as the others who were murdering people as we spoke. Would I have won her back, only to lose her again so soon?

She was staring at me as I was staring at her. "Oh, Edward," she cried and tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

To my delight, she wrapped her arms around my neck and pushed her body into mine. "Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?" she asked, her voice breaking.

Hugging her tighter than I had ever dared before, trying desperately not to crush her fragile body, I whispered, "I know exactly what you mean. But we have lots of reasons to be happy. For one, we're alive."

"Yes," she said, her mouth so close to my ear I could feel her warm breath and fought back a shiver. "That's a good one."

"And together," I said softly, wondering if she could possibly know how much that meant to me. She nodded, the skin of her soft cheek brushing against mine. I could feel her cling to me tighter, as if afraid to let go. If I had my way, she would never leave my arms again.

"And with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow," I couldn't help but tease.

"Hopefully," she said, her voice full of doubt. I wanted to chuckle at her.

"The outlook is quite good," Alice commented. I had forgotten she was there. With my whole world wrapped in my arms, the palace could have fallen down around my ears and I wouldn't have noticed. "I'll see Jasper in less than twenty-four hours," she added, showing me our arrival in America, and the reunion with my family, Bella still held tightly in my arms. I smiled again.

Bella pulled away from me just enough so that I could see her face. I watched her watching me and reached to touch her cheek, unable to help myself. I had needed her for so long. There were dark circles under her eyes. The sorrow I had seen in Alice's memory was evident on Bella's face, in her eyes, her pale color, the crease between her eyebrows.

"You look so tired," I whispered to her.

"And you look thirsty," she whispered back. I had no doubt of that. I  _was_  thirsty, but that was unimportant. I would hunt soon enough. I could imagine Carlisle's pleasure at hunting with me again only too easily and anticipated the taste of the mountain lions and even the deer I would soon be drinking.

"It's nothing," I shrugged.

"Are you sure? I could sit with Alice." Though she made the offer, I felt her hands close about me tighter.

"Don't be ridiculous," I sighed. After believing her dead for an entire day, there was nothing in the world that could make me desire to drink her again. The burn in my throat was nothing after the agony believing her to be dead had caused me. "I've never been in better control of  _that_  side of my nature than right now."

With a sigh, she stayed in my arms, her eyes tracing my face. I wanted to kiss the soft spot under her ear, but didn't think I'd be able to resist moving from there to her soft mouth. I ached to taste her lips, but felt that to do so before we had talked was wrong. Instead, I lightly ran my hands along her back, her arms, and gently touched her face. Despite myself, I was unable to resist bringing a lock of her hair up to my face, lightly rubbing it across my cheek, and I breathed in the perfection of her sweet scent.

Giving in to my nearly uncontrollable need to taste her, I kissed her hair, moved from there to her forehead, and then her nose. When I reached her nose – I was so close to her mouth I could taste her breath – she seemed to flinch away, as though she didn't want me to kiss her. Her hesitation made me pause. As used to her enthusiasm as I was, the fact that she didn't seem to want to kiss me worried me. She was quiet, seemed shy and uncertain.

She had been quick enough to save my life, but now that we were both safe, would she be willing to take me back? Could she forgive me? I could spend the rest of her life with her and never make up for the past seven months away. But I would try, if she would let me. I had ached to beg her forgiveness, to tell her how much she meant to me, but this was not the place. While we waited, she lay quiet in my arms and watched me watching her.

In a voice too low for the human woman to hear, I asked Alice for information on my family.

"How is Jasper? I hope he knows he's not to blame. None of this was his fault."

"I know that, Edward," she said, shooting me a sour look that told me she knew exactly where the blame lay – right at my feet. I sighed. It would take work to make things right with more than just Bella. "He feels bad, of course, but I think I've convinced him that this was inevitable."

I couldn't look away from Bella, but was sure Alice could see my shocked expression.

"You refused to believe me," she shrugged. "I told you Bella would be one of us one day."

I ground my teeth together, stubbornly refusing to believe, still, that it would ever happen.

"Either you were going to accept that, or you were going to convince yourself to leave somehow. It would have happened eventually. Jasper just happened to be the one to make you afraid enough of what our world could do to her. At least, as long as she's a human. You'll both be happier once she's not."

Looking away from Bella's face for the first time, I glared at her. Had she not just been in that horrible room with me? How could I turn Bella into a monster? A killer?

Alice's face was calm, her certainty of the future unruffled.

Changing the subject, I asked for more details. "Where is everyone living now?"

"We never left Alaska. Carlisle got a job at a hospital in Anchorage and Esme is teaching drafting several nights a week at a community college. Rose and Emmett enrolled in the same college. They're thinking about getting married," she rolled her eyes, " _again._  She's been pestering me to design a new dress for her."

"And you didn't jump at the chance?" I asked with a short laugh. Alice and fashion went hand in hand.

"I've been a bit distracted lately. My brother went missing." Her mouth twisted.

"Rosalie said you tried to watch me," I prompted her.

"Tried is the word," she agreed. "I knew you were traveling, but your future jumped all over the place. I could never really tell where you were headed or what you were doing. I think you walked a lot."

Brushing my fingers along Bella's soft cheek, I murmured, "I wanted to come home. So very much. It's all I thought about."

She nodded. "I know. But you wouldn't."

"I meant to ask you," her words had reminded me of my theories. "Your blank spots - could they have been due to a lack of decisions? Or an inability to pick a course of action? When I spoke with Maria, she said that Victoria hadn't decided how to come after me… Although it was really Bella she'd hunted," I snarled.

"Jasper's Maria?" I nodded. "Yes, he said you'd called to ask about her. You found her, then?" I nodded again.

She began searching through the various visions she'd had of me, most of them blurry and involving me returning home in some way. I saw my face, ferocious and tortured as I ripped the head off of the predator I'd killed in Seattle and we both flinched away from the image. I saw flashes of myself walking among buildings in more than one city. There were no images of Maria, though.

"You didn't see me find her?" I asked, surprised.

"No."

"Well, our encounter was brief," I said shortly, my voice harsh with the memory. It wasn't exactly like I had  _planned_ to kill her. I'd only wanted to talk to her. "But that doesn't really explain Bella and Victoria's blank futures."

"It was the wolves," she said simply.

"What?" I said, my voice suddenly loud in the silent room.

"I can't explain it, but I can't see them. When Bella began spending her time on the reservation, her future disappeared. Jacob may have only been a wolf for a few weeks, but her future was always going to include him – once you'd left, that is – and he's not the only wolf. Bella and I didn't go into details about the pack, but there are several members who have changed."

"And Victoria? I don't think  _she_  was hanging out with a bunch of dogs."

"Not willingly, no. But when we left, they began patrolling the town. When Victoria would try to enter Forks, they would chase her." I remembered the visions Alice had shown me. Victoria, running, hunting, then disappearing.

"What about Laurent?" I wondered why her visions showed Victoria hunting, but not Laurent. Bella had told Alice that he'd been after her, too.

"The wolves destroyed him."

"Hm."

"Those dogs kept Bella alive, Edward." Her voice was soft, but I could hear the rebuke in them. My lips formed an angry line at the thought of Bella putting her life into the care of those monsters. She was better off with the vampire family! At least  _we_  could control ourselves!

But I remembered Jasper's wild eyes with a feeling of unease.

"So what's your plan for getting out of here?" I asked, knowing she had looked into our future.

"Well, the Porsche has been found, so we can't use it again," her face was disappointed, but I chuckled. I could just imagine Alice behind the wheel of the car she'd stolen. And Bella had thought my Volvo was fast! "I'll steal us something suitable, I'm sure. Then back to Florence."

We were quiet for a few minutes as she anticipated being with Jasper again.

"What was all that talk about  _singers?_ " she asked suddenly.

" _La tua cantante,"_ I said with a twist of my mouth.

"Yes, that."

I shrugged. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my  _singer_  – because her blood sings for me."

Alice laughed at that.

We were silent for a time as I listened to Bella's heart. Unable to help myself, I brushed my lips across her face – though I avoided her mouth – enjoying the flutter I heard every time I kissed her. But though her heart might still flutter at my touch, her eyes were guarded, wary and almost fearful. I felt fear twisting inside of me and wished – as I had countless times before – that I knew what she was thinking. I didn't think it possible that she could be afraid of me, but she was afraid of  _something_.

I turned at the sound of Alec entering the reception area. His eyes were a bright red after his meal. I tightened my hold on Bella as he remembered Jane's fury being visited upon the humans.

"You're free to leave now," he said pleasantly. "We ask that you don't linger in the city."

No longer forced to endure their polite games, I spoke in a hard voice, "That won't be a problem."

The human woman gave us instructions on leaving the castle as I pulled Bella to her feet. I considered warning her. I had seen Felix's intentions and knew that they did not plan on leaving her alive much longer, but she had been doomed from the moment she entered their service. With Aro's ability, they had a ready way of knowing where the loyalties of those who served them lay. If she tried to run, Demetri would find her and her death would be far more painful than what Felix had planned. Glancing back at the girl in my arms, I turned instead and pulled Bella with me into the night. The human woman wasn't important; she had made her choice.

The press of bodies was thicker than it had been that morning. Most of the children long since put to bed, the adults were enjoying their own version of the same role playing as I had seen in Seattle. Scornful still, I muttered, "Ridiculous."

_I hid our luggage the next block over. Meet me just outside of the city; I'm going to go steal us a car. Wonder if I can find another Porsche…_

I hid a laugh. As we made our way out of the city, Bella clinging tightly to me, she looked around and asked, "Where's Alice?"

"She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning," I explained.

"She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?" She looked disapproving.

I grinned at her, remembering Alice's enthusiasm over the stolen car from that morning. "Not till we're outside."

Hearing Alice's thoughts grumbling from a nearby Honda, I pulled Bella out of the city, her slight form shivering as we passed under the ancient portcullis. Her steps faltered and stumbled and I could tell that she was tired. I wanted to pick her up and carry her in my arms, the way a man crosses the threshold with his beloved, but her quiet hesitancy prevented me. Instead, I wound my arms around her waist, supporting her as best as she would allow.

Heading straight toward the waiting car, I opened the back door, sliding into the backseat beside Bella. I pulled her into my arms, content for the moment. With the lights from the city disappearing behind us, I felt at peace with the world for the first time in far too long.

Gesturing angrily toward the dashboard, Alice apologized, "I'm sorry. There wasn't much to choose from." She pictured flying down the road in the stolen Porsche for me, and I felt her delight in driving a car that went nearly as fast as we could run.

Unable to stop myself from grinning at her, I said, "It's fine, Alice. They can't all be 911 Turbos." In truth, I would have been just as happy riding in Bella's ancient '53 Chevy.

Alice sighed with longing. "I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous."

"I'll get you one for Christmas," I said to her. For saving, not just my life, but Bella's as well, I'd buy her a fleet of them.

Alice turned around in the seat to grin at me, "Yellow."

Knowing how tired Bella was, and how long the drive would be in the car Alice had been forced to steal, I tried to convince Bella to rest. "You can sleep now. It's over."

I heard her swallow loudly before she spoke, her voice trembling, "I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired." As her eyes were drooping and her body lay limp against mine, I knew this was a lie.

Giving in to my desire to kiss the soft spot under her ear at last, I whispered, "Try," but she shook her head. "You're still just as stubborn," I said with a sigh. I didn't fight her, though, too happy to be able to see her eyes as we stared at each other throughout the long car ride.

When we got to the airport, I surrendered Bella into Alice's charge so that she could take the tired girl to freshen up. Alice bought a new change of clothes for me – I had never bothered to retrieve mine from the locker where I had stored them in Rio, and I had given all of my money to the cab driver the day before. Aside from missing a shirt, I'd been wearing the same pants for nearly two months. It felt amazing to wear clean clothes again and I looked forward to a long, hot shower. With delight, I shed the horrid cloak and tossed it into a pile of trash. I hoped some person in need would find it and enjoy its thickness, but it was almost more than I could take to resist burning the thing.

We caught a connecting flight to Seattle through Rome and Atlanta and when we were settled in for the long flight over the Atlantic, Bella ordered a Coke from the flight attendant. I muttered her name in disapproval – she needed sleep, not caffeine.

"I don't want to sleep," she insisted. "If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares." I didn't doubt that one bit. For once glad that I couldn't sleep, I understood exactly what she meant. I would forever see her exhilarated smile as she threw herself off of the cliff, and the image that followed – Bella's dark hair swirling around her still lifeless form. I didn't press her to sleep again, knowing that the demands of her body would make themselves felt eventually. I spent the flight holding her in my arms, running my fingers over her face again and again.

When she reached up to touch my face too, I could have wept with joy, except for my fear. She was still so sad, so hesitant. Would she ever forgive me? Could she? Tuning out Alice's phone conversation with Jasper as she related to him all that had happened in Volterra, I waited for Bella to ask me the questions I knew she must have had, but she never spoke. I finally realized that the conversation I knew we needed would be best to have when we were alone – and when she was better rested. I accepted her silence and spent the flight enjoying her presence. Over and over I kissed her hair, her forehead, her wrists, feeling the pulse strong beneath my lips. I breathed her in and counted her heart beats, still not believing that she was alive, in my arms, that I was going home.

Our family was waiting for us when we arrived in Seattle, Alice having given Jasper the details of our flight. Alice skipped quickly to Jasper and I could feel their relief. That we had all made it out of Volterra alive was nothing short of miraculous. I knew we would not have if it weren't for Alice's sacrifice. Allowing Aro to see into her mind had made of her a target more even than I had. It wouldn't be too long before he found some reason to come for her, and I was sure the girl in my arms would be his most likely excuse.

Carlisle and Esme's relief at seeing me again was loud in their thoughts, as was their gratitude to Bella for saving me, and their fury at me for what I had put everyone through. Esme reached for Bella. The love that she felt for the human girl was flowing through her thoughts and made me smile. I had missed my family.

"Thank you so much," Esme said as she hugged Bella as best she could. I refused to let go entirely, making the embrace awkward.

Then she hugged me as tight as she could. "You will  _never_  put me through that again!" she said ferociously. I had rarely heard her sound so like a vampire before and I grinned at her now.

"Sorry, Mom," I said, like an erring child.

Carlisle came to hug Bella as well, saying, "Thank you, Bella. We owe you."

"Hardly," she muttered, her voice slurred with exhaustion.

"She's dead on her feet," scolded Esme. "Let's get her home."

 _Home._  I smiled, pulling Bella through the airport with Esme supporting her on one side and I on the other.

When we got outside, I saw Rosalie and Emmett leaning against Carlisle's Mercedes and I fought down the urge to yell at my sister.

"Don't," Esme whispered to me. "She feels awful."

Incapable of being charitable to her at that moment, I said in a flat voice, "She should."

"It's not her fault," Bella mumbled. So quick to forgive – even when the result had been a trip through Hell – Bella, of course, didn't blame Rosalie. I shook my head at her generosity. She really was an angel. While I, selfish jerk that I was, couldn't stop glaring at Rosalie.

"Let her make amends," Esme begged me. "We'll ride with Alice and Jasper."

"Please, Edward," Bella urged me.

I sighed and, attempting to be more like Bella and less the monster I knew myself to be, I pulled my sweet Bella over to the waiting car. We got into the back seat while Rose and Emmett took the front. Bella, giving in to her exhaustion at last, laid her head on my chest and closed her eyes.

"Edward," Rosalie began,  _I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I never believed that you would… I didn't understand –_

"I know," I cut her off. Although I was trying to come to terms with my own selfishness, Rosalie had always been the center of her own world. And the fact was that she  _didn't_ understand - even now - how I truly felt about Bella.

"Bella?" Rose spoke to the girl in my arms for the first time.

"Yes, Rosalie?" Bella said to her, her voice surprised even in her current state.

"I'm so very, very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me." I felt slightly more charitable toward her after that. I felt the sincerity in her speech and knew she would be less difficult to live with… for a while, at least.

"Of course, Rosalie," Bella mumbled. "It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Of course I forgive you."

"It doesn't count until she's conscious, Rose," Emmett said, laughing.

Bella muttered something back, but the angel in my arms was past the point of coherence. She had nearly drowned five days ago, been through Hell and back, and hadn't slept in at least three days. She'd used up all of her stores of energy and I knew once she slept she'd be out for a long time. I wondered if she would still talk in her sleep, if her dreams would be the nightmares she feared, or if she would dream of me – and if she did, would that count as a nightmare? I wasn't sure.

"Let her sleep," I said softly.

The drive from Seattle to Forks was quick with Emmett behind the wheel and it was far too short for her nap to do her any good. With Bella still asleep in my arms, I opened the car door and carried her up to Charlie's house.

Charlie heard the closing car door and opened his front door, shocked beyond words – for the moment – to see me striding up his walk with his daughter passed out in my arms. Overcoming his shock, the fury that burst forth from him stopped me in my tracks. If I hadn't been holding his daughter, he might have come after me with his shotgun. Not that it would have hurt me, but that would have been difficult to explain.

"Bella!" he yelled, launching himself off of the porch at us.

Bella muttered in her sleep, seeming aware of Charlie even as tired as she was.

"Shh," I whispered to her, not wanting her to wake. "It's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep."

"I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here!" Charlie was screaming at me. The pictures in his mind of Bella were far worse than Alice's visions. Alice had only caught glimpses of Bella since she had tried not to watch her. Charlie had had to live with Bella's grief. I heard an echo of her screaming in her sleep and would have clamped my hands to my ears to stop the sound if I hadn't been holding Bella – as if that would have done any good.

"What's wrong with her?" he demanded.

Speaking quietly, I said, "She's just very tired, Charlie. Please, let her rest."

"Don't you tell me what to do! Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"

I saw him flickering through his memories of the past seven months since I left. The blank stare in Bella's eyes, how Charlie would talk to her, but she never responded in more than single syllable monotones if at all. Bella's body was there, cooking, going to school, going to work, but her spirit was gone. Broken. The knowledge almost broke me and I didn't resist as he tried to pull her from my arms.

Bella's hands tightened convulsively around me and she pushed herself into my arms, refusing to leave my embrace. He pulled on her, trying – unsuccessfully – to break her hold on me.

"Cut it out, Dad," she grumbled, opening her eyes to glare at Charlie. "Be mad at  _me_."

"You bet I will be. Get inside," he fumed, never taking his glare off of me, his thoughts a murderous rage as intense as any I had ever felt and far more justified.

"'Kay. Let me down," she said to me.

I carefully set her on her feet, my hands spread protectively as I could see how unsteady she was. She only took a few steps before stumbling and would have fallen on her face, but I moved – too fast – to catch her.

"Just let me get her upstairs," I begged Charlie. "Then I'll leave."

"No!" Bella cried, meeting my eyes in a panic, her head shaking, her body trembling in my arms.

"I won't be far," I whispered in her ear and carried her upstairs. I could see how abnormally clean her room looked. Her CD player was gone. There were no books stacked by her bed. Her shoes were in a neat row, her hamper was practically empty. It didn't feel like the room of a teenage girl at all; more like a guest room that had been empty for years. My heart cried out to me at the pain I knew I had caused her.

I had heard Charlie grinding his teeth at me the whole way up the stairs and he hovered protectively as I placed Bella in her bed. Her fingers still gripped my shirt as though welded to the fabric. Carefully, I slipped my fingers between the fabric and her soft skin, sliding my hand into hers when she finally let go. Placing her hands across her chest and covering her with her blanket, I traced her cheek once more with trembling fingers, grieving again at the pain I had caused. I could see her face settle into the lines of pain that her waking expression had tried to hide from me and fell to my knees at her side.

Charlie grabbed my shoulder roughly, his anger making his speech nearly incoherent. "You. Get. Now. Out. Go." The only reason he wasn't yelling was the sleeping girl on the bed in front of me. Only the knowledge that I would be climbing back through her window soon gave me the strength to rise to my feet. He pushed me out of the room, my eyes never leaving her until he closed the door, cutting off my view of her face.

I was aware that I was breathing fast, swallowing convulsively, my lips trembling, sure that if my eyes could shed tears I would be crying. He continued to propel me forward – my unwilling feet didn't want to take me away from her – until I stood on the porch. Gaining a hold on myself, I turned to face him. He was glaring at me from the doorway, his thoughts a red haze of anger.

"Do you have any idea what I've been going through for the past three days? My daughter runs off with  _your_  sister, doesn't leave a note, no phone call, nothing! And all Jacob could tell me was that she was in trouble. You'd better tell me  _now._ What kind of trouble have you gotten her into?"

"There is no trouble. She's home now, and safe. You don't need to worry." I spoke calmly, trying to reassure him.

He took a step toward me. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't arrest you for kidnapping!"

"She came to me, Charlie, and I brought her home. How is that kidnapping?"

Not pleased with my resonable answer, he demanded, "Why did she run off like that, then?"

"It was just… she… I…" I trailed off, lamely. I shook my head and sighed.

"Where has Bella been? And do you know what you did to her? When you left – I've never – " he broke off, his rage at me evident in his voice. "How  _dare_  you come back here now?" he fumed. His arms were folded, his anger making him tremble.

In the forest beside his house, I could hear the thoughts of a prowling wolf. Jacob. They echoed Charlie's anger at me, but something more. A jealousy, a stinging memory of rejection, and a fierce relief at having Bella back alive. I heard his low growl as he paced, just out of Charlie's sight.

Ignoring the wolf for the moment, I tried to think of an answer to Charlie's questions. I couldn't tell him where Bella had been, nor why she had left. Unable to think of an excuse for Bella's three day long absence, I picked the only question I really could answer.

"Yes, Chief Swan. I do know what I did. Only too well."

"And? What do you have to say for yourself?"

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. I knew that Alice was right. One way or another, I would have left eventually. I had been trying to find a way to leave her from the first day we met. But the past seven months had completely changed everything. Bella's death had changed everything. I had learned exactly how much I needed her and that I would do anything to keep her. Anything.

Slowly, I spoke, my words halting and broken, "Please, believe me. It wasn't an easy choice to make. Leaving her was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life… And the worst. But, at the time… it was necessary. I'm sorry, but – "

"Sorry," he scoffed, furious.

"More sorry than you can know," I assured him.

He studied my face, saw the misery that was etched there as clearly as Bella's had been. Trying to understand my actions, he asked, "Why was it necessary, then? Why did you leave her like that?"

"I can't tell you that." I shook my head.

"Then why are you even  _here?"_  he shouted. "If it was so necessary to leave, why come back at all?"

I looked him in the eyes, felt his moment of fear at the blackness of my gaze. Like most humans, he'd never really looked me in the eyes before, except when we'd first met, and I had been well fed at that time.

"The reason I'm here, Charlie," I said carefully, trying to put every ounce of persuasiveness I had into my heartfelt words, "is that I cannot live without your daughter."

At this, he narrowed his eyes at me, disbelieving me despite my efforts. He took a step back into his house. "Well, I guess it's a good thing you've had practice doing so because you are  _not_  welcome here. You are  _never_  to set foot through this door again." He pressed his lips together in an angry line and slammed the door in my face. I heard him running up the stairs and going quietly into Bella's room.

Glancing at the forest to where the wolf prowled, I felt his satisfaction at Charlie's words. Scowling, I flashed to the waiting car.

"That went well," said Emmett, his humor unshaken.

Growling at him, I said, "Go home. Tell the others that I'll be there soon."

Nodding, he started the car, Rosalie thinking a parting,  _Sorry,_  at me as he drove away.

I could hear Jacob's thoughts. Angry that my family was back in town and seemed to be planning to stay, he knew that he was in our territory and melted away into the forest, back to the reservation.

Once he was gone, I took his place in the forest to wait for Charlie to leave Bella's room long enough for me to return. I climbed up into the trees to where I could see the small window I had thought of so often and sat with my back resting against the tree so I could think.

Alice's vision of Bella's future was so firm. I knew with absolute certainty that I would never be able to live without her again, but my revulsion over what her becoming a vampire meant had not changed. I knew that the only thing that  _had_  changed was my need for her. It was stronger than ever before, but in a different way. Examining my feelings, I knew why this was. She would never again be in danger of me feeding on her. There was nothing that could ever compare with her taste, but the never-ending pain of her loss was not worth the brief moment of pleasure that drinking her would bring.

I looked the monster within me in his crimson eyes and felt a scorching fire burning under my skin. I knew that it was his burning death that I felt, and I rejoiced.


	18. The Truth

**The Truth**

Charlie didn't go to work that day and was in and out of Bella's room constantly. His thoughts varied between concern that she was still sleeping, happiness that she  _was_  finally sleeping – her months of sleeplessness were vivid in his mind – and his ever present anger at me. I stayed in the trees, unwilling to leave until I had the chance to talk to Bella, not wanting her to wake when I was gone. She slept the entire day and I listened hard, wanting to pick up any sounds of her voice. As the day wore on, she began to murmur in her sleep, but the words she spoke were not the ones I wanted to hear.

"Jacob. My Jacob." I felt an icy fear. She was dreaming of the  _dog_. Had she replaced me, as I had intended, but not with a human? With a monster even worse than I?

"No. No don't go in…" Her voice was full of dread. I thought she might be dreaming of the Volturi, of watching the humans walk to their deaths.

"Stop! No, please, stop!" Her voice this time was almost a shriek and I had to bite back my own cries, unable to go to her with Charlie still in the house. He had heard her and rushed back to her room, his soft murmurs calming her into an easier sleep.

The sun was sinking low when I heard Jasper approaching. He ran up to where I sat and swung himself into the branches of a tree near mine. I watched him warily while he positioned himself so that he could see me.

 _We've been worried,_  he began.

"I'm not going anywhere," I said in a flat voice and returned my gaze to Bella's window.

_That's what Alice said, but it's been all day and we haven't heard from you._

"Bella's still asleep."

He glanced over his shoulder to the window I'd been watching.  _Alice said she wouldn't wake for several more hours. Why don't you come home? She'll never know._

"No." I growled at him. "I'm not leaving her."

_Fine. That gives us a chance to talk, then._

Tearing my eyes away from the window, I took in his angry expression and caught the emotions he'd been trying to keep under control. Jasper was  _furious._  I sighed and shook my head.

"What a mess," I grumbled and ran my fingers through my tangled hair.

"Do you have  _any_ idea what you've put everyone through? Esme didn't stop weeping for weeks after you left! She was certain we'd never see you again. We knew you were grieving when Alice brought you back, but Carlisle insisted that we let you work through this on your own.  _He_ was certain you'd come to your senses. Personally, I agreed with Esme. We could have helped you if you'd have let us, but no. Instead, you run off on a vampire hunt that we weren't sure you'd survive as it was. You are – without a doubt – the most stubborn vampire I've ever met, and  _that_  is saying something, believe me."

"What do you want me to say Jasper? I know I hurt everyone. I left Carlisle and Esme long ago, and I hurt them then, too. But I couldn't stay, don't you see?"

"No, I don't. Is your life really so miserable? You know what my life was like before I found Alice. You have  _always_  had a loving family. I know you hear their thoughts, but do you really know how very much Carlisle and Esme love you? We are all family, but you're the son she never thought she would have."

"I'm a hundred years old, Jasper. I can't be her child forever."

"Then stop acting like one!" I felt a harsh snarl rip from my chest at his words. "You didn't think about anybody but yourself when you left – "

"I was trying to protect Bella!"

"But did you stop to even consider what she wanted?"

"She doesn't want this life!"

"No? I'd say she pretty definitively showed you that she doesn't want to live without you."

I pressed my lips together. She didn't want me dead, I was sure of that, but everything else… I still wasn't certain that she wanted me back, that she hadn't moved on. She hadn't wanted me to kiss her, and it was the  _dog_  she'd dreamt of.

"And I think you know the same thing about yourself, too. Don't you," he continued. It wasn't a question. We both knew the answer all too well.

"Being in my life is so dangerous for her, though," I whispered

"Then change her!"

"No!"

He threw his hands into the air and shook his head. "Why not?"

"That's not a solution, Jasper. That's a tragedy."

"So your solution is what? To leave her human and wait for the next thing to threaten her life? And then what? Go run off to the Volturi again? I think you've proven  _that_ won't work."

"It would have," I disagreed. "If Bella and Alice hadn't stopped me."

"No, I don't think so. If they'd have been willing to kill you, they would have done so when you first asked them. Oh, Felix would have ripped you apart, and stopped you from jeopardizing their secrecy, but I think Aro would have found some other way to punish you rather than killing you. And now, from what Alice tells me, you have no choice  _but_  to change Bella."

" _No_. No, I'll find a way to protect her."

"And even if you do, and her life is somehow no longer in danger from them, the rest of  _ours_  still will be."

I sighed. "Aro wants Alice," I agreed in dread.

"And I'm not  _about_  to let him have her. But my wife's  _life_  is in danger now because of  _your_  actions! No," he stopped me when I opened my mouth to apologize. "We all know you didn't put her in danger on purpose, but you need to realize that your death is in no one's best interests." Pushing himself away from the tree, he leapt lightly from the branch he'd been sitting on to crouch right in front of me. "And neither is your absence. We missed you, Edward."

"I missed you, too, Jazz. I missed everyone."

He studied me for a moment, sampling my emotions. I felt such a jumble of remorse, fear, joy, and relief that I wasn't sure exactly what he was able to sense. "Then you'll come home?" he pressed.

"I'm not going anywhere," I assured him.

He nodded. "I'm  _not_  happy that Aro knows about Alice, but Alice made me promise to say this…" He took a breath and I felt his anger fade. "I forgive you. We all do. We understand why you did what you did. It was wrong and short-sighted and self-centered, but…" He hesitated before admitting, "I wouldn't want to live if I lost Alice, either. So don't beat yourself up about what happened, okay?"

I gave him a sour look. "Thanks Jazz."

He smirked at me. "Any time."

"And you're right; my family is the best." I said softly.

He smiled at me. "See you at home?"

I nodded and he took off back home, leaving me to wait and listen to Bella's dreams.

At last, when Bella slept quietly again, Charlie went to his own bed. I scaled the side of her house, hanging from the eaves to open the window to the only Heaven I had ever truly known. My angel slept peacefully, with her hands under her cheeks, but still her face was tight, her pain clear.

I knelt by her bed and ran my fingers over her face, feeling my eyes burn and my chest clench. Trying to smooth away the lines of pain, I touched her brow, her mouth, her cheeks, stroked her hair.

"Shh," I whispered to her. "It's okay, Bella, you're safe. I'm here." I leaned close to her and breathed in her glorious scent, noting with satisfaction that the monster was indeed dead. As wonderful as she smelled to me, as thirsty as I was – I couldn't remember how long it had been since my last meal – I felt no thirst for  _her_  at all.

Carefully, trying not to disturb her sleep, I climbed onto her bed and stretched my body out beside hers. Gently, I kissed her forehead, her cheek, her hair, the soft spot under her ear, knowing it was the taste of her mouth that I craved, but unwilling to kiss her there without her knowledge. I wrapped my arms around her and pressed my ear against her chest, listening to her breathe and to the sound of her heart.

When she began to stir and took a deep breath, I pressed my lips to her forehead and watched for her to open her eyes. I needed to see their melted chocolate depths. She squeezed her eyes shut tighter and moaned. Trying not to squeeze too tight, I hugged her body against mine and waited for her to wake. She sighed, her mouth turning down at the corners, the crease between her brows deepening. Then at last, her eyes opened and looked into mine.

"Oh!" she exclaimed and her hands flew to cover her eyes. I pressed my lips together unhappily and waited for her to look at me again. A moment later, she removed her hands and looked back into my eyes, the shock on her face almost enough to make me smile, but the memory of her screams while she slept was too fresh.

"Did I frighten you?" I asked. She didn't seem happy to see me at all. Her mouth still turned down, her eyes were scared, anxious. She blinked rapidly, never looking away from my face.

"Oh,  _crap_ ," she moaned. Well, those were certainly  _not_ the words I was expecting. I felt my heart break, sure that she wanted me to leave.

"What's wrong, Bella?" She was frowning at me and I felt my anxiety heighten.

"I'm dead, right? I  _did_  drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie." She thought she was dead?

"You're not dead," I assured her.

"Then why am I not waking up?"

"You  _are_  awake, Bella," I insisted.

She shook her head, saying, "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up.  _If_  I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renée and Jake…" Jake, again. It had been the dog she dreamt of, not me, and it was  _him_  she worried about now. If she  _had_  dreamt of me, it was probably one of those that had sent Charlie running to stop her screams.

Smiling sadly at her, I said, "I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare," I  _was_  the stuff of nightmares, "but I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in Hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?" Didn't they group the killers together in Hell?

"Obviously not. If I was in Hell, you wouldn't be with me," she said with an unhappy twist to her mouth. She was right, even in Hell, as long as she was with me, it feel like Heaven. I sighed and watched her staring at me. She looked away, briefly, then looked back and I felt her body warm as I watched the blood rise to her cheeks.

"Did all of that really happen, then?" she said with wonder in her voice.

"That depends. If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes." How many times would I be responsible for her near death? How many ways could I wrong this girl in my arms? My love for her – my need for her – stronger than ever, I still wasn't sure if  _she_  wanted  _me._  But I was sure that, even though my thirst for her was gone, the danger of being in my life was  _not_.

"How strange. I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?"

I wanted to laugh at her. Still my silly Bella. Rolling my eyes, I said, "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore," she protested. "What time is it? How long have I been asleep?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours." I felt her body moving against mine as she stretched.

"Charlie?"

"Sleeping," I said with a frown. "You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But still, the intent was clear." Charlie's fury at me was probably not something I would ever be able to fix. He was right to hate me for what I had done. But what I had told him was true. It had been necessary. The pain he felt watching her suffer was nothing to what my taking of her life would have done to him. Or to me. But living without her was no longer an option. I would just have to find some other way to protect her.

"Charlie banned you from the house?" she asked, incredulous, her eyes turning hard and angry.

My eyes were sad. "Did you expect anything else?"

She fumed in my arms for a few minutes, and I wondered – for the millionth time – what she was thinking. Was she fuming at me for being there? She had to be angry for what I had done. I ached to beg her forgiveness yet again, but wasn't sure how to start.

"What's the story?" she asked me.

"What do you mean?"

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for… how long was I gone anyway?" I saw her concentrating, like she was doing math. Which she probably was, I thought with a smile.

"Just three days." Three days that had changed everything. "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing." I had tried to think of a good excuse while I waited in the trees for her to wake, but was unable to think of any plausible excuse.

"Fabulous," she said, groaning.

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something." It had been she, after all, who had saved the world. With her knowledge of the future, surely she would see what excuse Charlie would believe.

I could see the questions in her eyes and waited, in no hurry for her to tell me she hated me for my actions, for my lies, for nearly getting her killed.

"So. What have you been doing, up until three days ago?"

I didn't want her to know about my inept tracking of Victoria, nor how I had been killing vampires along the way, nor how I had stalked her past. I was ashamed to admit how terrible my life had been without her, how I had barely lived with her gone.

"Nothing terribly exciting," I lied, feeling bad for lying to her. Again. The monster in me dead,  _I_  was a monster, still.

"Of course not," she sounded disappointed.

"Why are you making that face?" Did she want me to say that I had been having the time of my life? Sailing the world and meeting new people? Had she wanted me to move on?

"Well…" she hesitated. "If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."

I sighed. I knew I couldn't lie to her anymore. She deserved the truth. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare," she scoffed. "Maybe. If you tell me."

"I was…" tracking Victoria? stalking her past? wallowing in misery? "hunting." I finished lamely.

"Is that the best you can do?" she demanded. "That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."

She was right. She saw through my evasive answers, her clear eyes missing nothing as usual. Carefully, trying to protect her – or myself? – from the knowledge of how badly I had wronged her, I tried to answer without lying, but also without worrying her.

"I wasn't hunting for food…" In fact, I had only fed all of three times in the past seven months. "I was actually trying my hand at… tracking. I'm not very good at it." I admitted, ashamed.

"What were you tracking?" she pressed.

Gritting my teeth, I evaded her question. "Nothing of consequence." It wasn't Victoria I wanted to talk about yet. I needed to know how much she hated me, needed to beg her forgiveness, needed to take back my horrible lies in the forest and tell her how desperately I loved her. But I was afraid. Terribly afraid that she had moved on.  _Jacob. My Jacob, s_ he had said while she slept.

"I don't understand."

"I – " I took a deep breath. She deserved to know. This was not the time for evasions. This was the time for truths, no matter how painful, the moment had come at last for me to tell her everything I had been yearning to tell her, everything I had been afraid to tell her. Taking my courage in my hands again, I let the words I had been holding in spill forth from me.

"I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria," I growled her name, "would come back." I had thought it had been  _me_  she was after. I wondered if part of the pull Forks had had for me was my subconscious telling me of the danger Bella had been in. Incapable of seeing anything but my need for her, I had convinced myself that she was safe.

"I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him." Even tracking her, I hadn't realized that they had been mates. Even when she kept burning the studio down, I hadn't made that connection. "I think I realize why now – she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him – that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice – what she saw for herself – when I realized you had to put your life in the hands of  _werewolves,_  immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself," I shuddered at the memory of what I had seen of the pack the last time we had been in Forks.

"Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for – "

"Stop." Her voice was sharp and brought me to a halt instantly. Terror filled me. She didn't want my apology. I waited for her accusations, for the words I was sure were coming. I felt the strength of her amazing soul fill her body as she took a breath and looked into my eyes.

"Edward," I thrilled at the sound of my name on her lips, "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this… this  _guilt_ … rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life  _is_  for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die," the image of her exhilarated smile as she threw herself off the cliff made me shudder, "that would have been my choice, and  _not your fault._  I know it's your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible – think of Esme and Carlisle and – " her voice took on an edge of hysteria. I looked at her in amazement. She didn't understand at all. Always so observant, seeing right through to the details, somehow she missed the biggest truth.

"Isabella Marie Swan," I whispered her full name, furious that she didn't understand how desperately I loved her. "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me  _because I felt guilty?"_

Her face was blank with shock and incomprehension. "Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend." She had tried to kill herself because I had left her. No matter that she protested it was recreational. I had seen the expression on her face as she threw herself to her death.

"Then… what are you saying? I don't understand."

No, I could see that she didn't. I had to make her understand. She  _had_  to know how I felt about her. Looking into her melted chocolate eyes, the eyes that had haunted my vision for months, I spoke slowly, clearly, making sure she heard each word I had to say.

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead. Even if I'd had no hand in your death," I shuddered, remembering the pain the knowledge of her death had caused me, "even if it  _wasn't_  my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful – I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie." Rosalie, who had never looked beyond her own reflection. Rosalie, who couldn't understand that there was such a love as what I felt for Bella. "But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"

I saw, then, all of the humans whose lives were so confused, who fell in love and out of love. Out of all the billions of humans on the planet, how likely were they to meet their true match? I saw and understood how unique and special my relationship with Bella was. True love was a fairy tale. It didn't happen in real life. And yet, it had. To me. And, I fervently hoped, to Bella.

"The odds… The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again." I shook my head, amazed by my own stupidity.

"But I still don't understand," she persisted. "That's my whole point. So what?"

"Excuse me?"

"So what if I  _was_  dead?"

She still didn't see. Hadn't I told her before? Hadn't I explained it to her? "Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember  _everything_  that you told me," she said furiously.

Touching a trembling finger to her lips, needing desperately to taste them, I said, "Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I  _was_  a miserable excuse for a vampire. A selfish jerk. Just because it was clear to me, was no reason to think it was clear to  _her_. I spelled it out for her, telling her in no uncertain terms that my life was tied to hers.

"I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"I am… confused," she looked dazed, dazzled.

"I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be." I felt her muscles lock at those words and shook her lightly, forcing her to pay attention.

"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly," I remembered how astonished I was in the forest when I had told the worst lie of my life and she had accepted it without question. "That was… excruciating.

"When we were in the forest," I explained, "when I was telling you goodbye – " her lips pressed together, her eyes tightening at the memory. "You weren't going to let me go. I could see that. I didn't want to do it – it felt like it would kill me to do it – but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought  _I'd_  moved on, so would you."

"A clean break," she whispered.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible – that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry – sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry.

"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you," my body tingled as I said the words at last, "how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

Her expression was shocked disbelief. She still didn't see.

I continued, "I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly  _believed_  that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept – as if there were any way that  _I_  could exist without needing  _you!_ " I shook her again, lightly, to emphasize my words. "Bella, really, what were you thinking?" I sighed. How often had I wondered that?

She started to cry. "I knew it. I  _knew_  I was dreaming."

 _Of all the – my lies she believes without question, but the truth, when I'm pouring my heart out to her, she refuses to see? If there is a God, he's surely laughing at me right now,_  I thought, ruefully, laughing at myself.

"You're impossible. How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I  _have_  always loved you, and I  _will_  always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

She shook her head at me, still refusing to believe. Tears continued to leak out of her eyes. I had told her absolutely how I felt, the words I had needed to say for so long finally laid out between us, and she refused to believe them. I could feel myself grow cold.

"You still don't believe me, do you?" What would I do if she never believed me? If she refused to see the truth, no matter what I said? "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?" I demanded.

"It never made sense for you to love me. I always knew that." Her voice was breaking, even as my heart broke at her words.

"I'll prove you're awake." If my words couldn't make her see, then my actions would have to do it. I took her face firmly in my hands and leaned in to kiss her, my need for her burning in my body, my lips tingling in anticipation of her taste.

She struggled against me, whispering, "Please don't," in an agonized voice.

"Why not?"

"When I wake up – " I opened my mouth to interrupt her. She wasn't asleep! "Okay," she said before I could say anything, "forget that one – when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

I leaned back to stare at her. Would I never earn her trust again? Or did she think I'd leave because she thought there was no reason for me to stay? Was it Jacob? Had she moved on after all? It would serve me right.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so… hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because you  _have_  moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be… quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please – just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I begged her. My eyes were pleading with her to tell me yes, my heart sure she would tell me no.

"What kind of an idiotic question is that?" she demanded.

"Just answer it. Please." I couldn't stand not knowing.  _Please, Bella, just answer my question! Tell me you love me!_ She continued to stare at me as my heart crumbled, my hope died.

Her eyes were angry when she finally spoke. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you – and there's nothing you can do about it!"

 _She loves me still!_ Relief and joy exploded within me at her words.

"That's all I needed to hear," I said, and then, not waiting one second longer, I captured her mouth with mine.

Her lips were the sweetest things I had ever tasted, her breath was warm, her scent perfection. I kissed her with all of the passion I had been denying for months, pouring my love for her into the kiss. I could feel the knowledge of her love burning away the last of my misery and despair, and knew that she was mine –  _mine! –_ for the rest of her life. The monster within me dead, I no longer feared that our kisses would turn deadly, and I held her tight against me as I tasted her lips, her tongue, her breath.

She pressed herself to me, her heart pounding against mine, making me feel as though my own was alive and beating again. I understood to my core what Aro had meant when he called her my singer, but he had it backwards. It was  _my_  body that sang at  _her_  touch. She touched my face, her gentle fingers caressing my cheeks, stroking my jaw, sliding up into my tangled hair. Wherever she pressed herself against me burned with her warmth, and every single one of my cells felt alive, no longer cold and dead.

Releasing her mouth only long enough to allow her to breathe, I whispered her name over and over. Our kiss could have lasted for an eternity and not have been long enough. The last seven months of despair gone, the agony of her death over, she was mine and I was hers, and in that moment, I was certain nothing could ever change that fact.

She was panting, her breaths gasping when I reluctantly let the kiss end. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her body against mine so that I could lay my head against her chest. Her heart was frantic as it pounded against my cheek, and I listened to the flow of blood within her body, to the exchange of air as her lungs filled over and over. When finally her pulse slowed and her breathing evened, I spoke again.

"By the way, I'm not leaving you."

She didn't answer. Did she doubt me still? After  _that?!_

I met her eyes, insisting, "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you." She gazed at me, but I could see she still doubted me. Apparently I still had some explaining to do.

"I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you – keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do  _something,_  and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only  _you_  could be more important than what I wanted… what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay – thank Heaven for that! It seems you  _can't_  be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything," she whispered, her voice full of doubt.

"You think I'm lying to you now?" I demanded.

"No – not lying," she sounded confused now. Her eyebrows drew together, like she was trying to figure out a complex problem. "You could mean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

I flinched remembering all too well the wild look in Jasper's eyes as the scent of Bella's blood overpowered his reason.

"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right."

I shook my head. "I'm not as strong as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time – and not much of it – before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that," I said, honestly. The only reason I had stayed in Rio as long as I had was because I knew – knew without a doubt – that as soon as I left, I would come straight back here. I knew also, that I would happily spend the rest of my existence begging for her forgiveness if necessary.

"Be serious, please," she rolled her eyes.

"Oh, I am." No, she still didn't see. Angry now, I begged her to understand. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" I locked my eyes on hers, trying to read her mind, knowing it was futile.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars – points of light and reason…" My piano, my studies, my family, but in her absence, they had ceased to mean anything. "And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything."

"Your eyes will adjust," she insisted.

"That's just the problem – they can't." When a vampire changes, it is very rare. We were timeless and changeless. But once changed, as she had changed me, the change was permanent. It was this that made Victoria hunt Bella, to risk her life to kill a human. And it was this that had sent me to the Volturi.

"What about your distractions?" she asked.

"Just a part of the lie, love," I laughed, sadly. "There was no distraction from the… the  _agony_." There was no other word for my life without her. "My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone – like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

"That's funny."

"Funny?" She thought my pain was  _funny?_

"I meant strange – I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She pulled in a deep breath of air. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."

I knew exactly where her heart was. I closed my eyes and laid my ear against it. I felt her lay her head against the top of mine as it rested against her chest. We held this pose for several long moments, breathing each other in.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction, then?" she asked, curious as always.

"No," I muttered. "That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

I hadn't wanted to tell her about my failure, but I couldn't resist answering her questions.

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with… Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil – and really she came here," I said groaning at how she had tricked me. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears–"

"You were hunting  _Victoria?"_  she shrieked, nearly waking Charlie.

"Not well," I admitted. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer," I vowed, angrily.  _This_  time, with Alice and Emmett and Jasper to help me, I was certain to find her. And when I did, I would rip her to shreds!

Her voice was choked as she sputtered, "That is… out of the question." She was looking at me with shock and fear on her face.

"It's too late for her." I growled ferociously. When I'd been searching for her before, it was mostly to help answer what was going on with Bella. But now, now that I knew she'd been  _hunting_  my angel, there was no way I would let her live. "I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after – "

She stopped me by saying, "Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave? That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

Not wanting to remind her that it wasn't likely I would have to go far, not with Victoria after her, I vowed to her, "I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria," the name came out of me with a harsh snarl, "is going to die. Soon."

"Let's not be hasty," her voice was high pitched, anxious. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

I nodded, frowning at all of the things fate insisted on throwing at my Bella. "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."

She snorted, as though the dangerous monsters were the least of her concerns. "I wasn't talking about  _Jacob_. My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

Furious, I realized that she was being a caregiver yet again. She wasn't worried  _about_  them; she was worried  _for_  them. I ground my teeth and said, "Really? Then what would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

She temporized, "How about the second greatest?"

"All right," I said, watching her warily. She didn't consider the wolves a problem. She didn't consider a murderous vampire out for revenge a problem. She didn't consider a vampire being in love with her a problem, nor the family of vampires intent on making her one of them. What in the world could she possibly be afraid of?

"There are others who are coming to look for me," she whispered.

 _Ah._  Yes, after her recent trip to Hell and back, I could see how she would consider the Italian coven a problem. I sighed. But she still saw something as a bigger problem than all of that? Something she didn't seem to want to share with me.

"The Volturi are only the  _second_  greatest?"

"You don't seem that upset about it," she commented, disapprovingly.

"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again." Although Caius was intent on making certain she was not a threat, Aro was the real leader of the coven, and he was far more interested in Alice and myself entering his service than in a single human's knowledge of vampires. That was why he'd been willing to let us go. Acquiring the future and the present was well worth the risk of allowing Bella to live.

I looked back at her face to see a mask of horror.

"You don't have to be afraid," I tried to reassure her as tears welled in her eyes. "I won't let them hurt you."

"While you're here."

She still thought I would leave?

I took her face in my hands, reminding myself to be careful, gentle, and stared intently into her eyes. Trying my best to dazzle her, to force her to believe, using all of my persuasion, I vowed to her, saying each word separately and distinctly, "I will never leave you again."

Tears continued to pour out of her eyes as she whispered, "But you said  _thirty_. What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right."

Old? I wanted her to live her life. I wanted to see her changing, growing. I knew that if she lived to be a hundred, she would look more beautiful to me every single day she allowed me to be in her glorious presence. After all, I may  _look_  seventeen, but I was a hundred and four, nearly a hundred and five, now. I understood Rosalie's desire to grow old with Emmett perfectly.

"That's exactly what I'm going to do," I said, softly. "What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul." I had seen far too many newborn and ancient vampires over the last few months. I loved her humanity. She couldn't  _want_  to be a killer. How could she? I had seen her reaction to the Volturi's tour group and Gianna's desire to be a part of that. I didn't understand. She'd been terrified and disgusted by them; how could she still want to  _be_  one of them?

"Is this really…" she trailed off.

"Yes?"

"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your  _grandmother?"_  I felt certain she had changed what she was going to say and felt my familiar frustration at being unable to read her mind.

I thought back to how I had felt when I realized I had to leave her. I had asked myself the same question of her – how would she feel when I looked like her son? But what other people thought wasn't important. As long as we were together the rest of the world didn't matter.

"That doesn't mean anything to me. You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world." I kissed her face, tasting her tears. She never did see herself clearly. "Of course, if you outgrew  _me_  – if you wanted something more – I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me." Although the words made me flinch, I meant them. Whatever it took to make her happy, even if that was my absence. If she wanted a man she could grow old with, a man who could give her children, I would let her go, but I wouldn't go far. I would continue to watch over her, making sure she was safe, and her children and grandchildren, too.

Her eyes were hard when she spoke again. "You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?"

"I'll follow after as soon as I can," I told her, knowing this had always been true. It was why I went to the Volturi, after all.

"That is seriously…" she paused, thinking of the word she wanted, "sick."

"Bella, it's the only right way left – " I tried to explain, but she stopped me again.

"Let's just back up for a minute." She stared at me, angry again. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm  _thirty_ ," she said the word in a furious hiss, "do you really think they'll forget?"

"No. They won't forget. But…" I knew they wouldn't forget about Bella, or Alice, or myself. But it had taken my family many years of practice to learn how to guard their thoughts around me. Aro was far too used to being the mind reader and not the one whose mind was  _read_.

"But?" she pressed.

I grinned at her. "I have a few plans."

Her fury seemed to grow with each passing second, but my delight was equally strong.

"And these plans… these plans all center around me staying  _human_."

My delight gone at her dismissive tone, I said in a voice that left no room for argument, "Naturally." Of course they did.

She glared at me, and I glared back, as resolved to keep her human as she still seemed to be to become a monster. She pushed me away, and sat up.

Hurt, I asked, "Do you want me to leave?" I was glad to hear her heart stutter at those words, but her next words made my own heart ache.

"No.  _I'm_  leaving."

She stumbled about her room, searching the floor for her shoes.

"May I ask where you're going?"

"I'm going to your house," she said, as if it should be obvious.

I handed her the shoes she couldn't see and hiding my amusement, said, "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?"

"My truck."

"That will probably wake Charlie." He had detached several cables, not content with just the battery's this time. She'd never get it started, but the noise it made as she tried to crank it would wake the neighborhood.

"I know," she sighed. "But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"

"None. He'll blame me, not you," I said, knowing that fact to be true.

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

"Stay here," I begged her.  _Let me hold you while you sleep,_  I wanted to say.  _Spend the rest of the night kissing me and forget this argument. Stay here. Stay_ human _._

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home." She sounded so at ease, the teasing Bella I knew and loved that I wanted to laugh at her. She headed for the door, but I moved faster and blocked her escape from the room. Glaring at me, she turned and looked out the window. She looked back and forth, from the windowsill to the ground, as if she was measuring the jump and her likelihood of surviving the fall without a broken bone. Watching her for a moment, I realized that was  _exactly_  what she was doing.

"Okay," I sighed in defeat. "I'll give you a ride."

"Either way," she said with a shrug. "But you probably  _should_  be there, too."

I narrowed my eyes at her, "And why is that?"

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."

"My views on which subject," I asked, gritting my teeth and fearing I knew the answer already.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

Speaking slowly, dreading the answer I knew was coming, I said, "A say in what?"

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."


	19. The Vote

**Vote**

Knowing that arguing with her at this point was futile, I scooped her into my arms and sprang from the window.

"Alright, then, up you go," I said, shifting her to my back so that I could run with her. Always before, running had terrified her. Now, her heart beat slow and steady, and her chin rested easily on my shoulder. While I ran home, I felt her press her warm, soft lips against my neck. I sighed in pleasure at her simple touch.

"Thank you. Does this mean you've decided you're awake?" I teased her. She laughed in my ear.

"Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight."

"I'll earn your trust back somehow. If it's my final act," I vowed to myself. Someday, some way, she  _would_  trust me again.

She surprised me again by saying, "I trust  _you_. It's me I don't trust."

"Explain that, please," I begged, confused.  _She_  wasn't the one who had left. She was absolutely trustworthy. She'd kept my secret in the beginning, even before she knew what the secret was. She'd kept it all this time, believing me gone. How could she not trust herself?

I slowed down to give her time to answer. We were getting close and I wanted her answer before my family could hear her.

"Well – " she paused, and while she considered her words, I waited impatiently, wishing I could see her face to try to read what she was thinking. "I don't trust myself to be… enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could  _hold_  you."

Astonished, I came to a halt and pulled her into my arms. Holding her tight against my chest, I realized that as I felt unworthy of her, she felt unworthy of me. How that was possible, I didn't know, but I didn't dismiss her feelings, understanding them all too well.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable," I assured her. "Never doubt that."

She didn't comment and I could feel that she still didn't believe. Remembering that our conversation hadn't been finished when she decided to speak to my family, I had to satisfy my curiosity about one thing, at least.

"You never did tell me…"

"What?"

"What your greatest problem is."

"I'll give you one guess," and she touched my nose with her finger.

I nodded, understanding. I'd been wrong before. She thought the vampire who was in love with her  _was_  her biggest problem. She was right. "I'm worse than the Volturi. I guess I've earned that."

She rolled her eyes at me. "The worst the Volturi can do is kill me." I waited for her to say the words, to tell me how awful I was. In what other way she feared I would harm her. "You can leave me. The Volturi, Victoria… they're nothing compared to that."

I should have seen that coming. She had told me so before. The day we had spent in our meadow, she had tried to tell me, but as blind and selfish as I was, I didn't understand her love for me then.  _"I'm here,"_ she'd told me,  _"which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you."_  Would I never learn?

"Don't," she whispered, reaching up to lay her warm hand on my cheek. "Don't be sad."

I gave her a half smile. "If there was only some way to make you see that I  _can't_  leave you. Time, I suppose, will be the only way to convince you," I said, my voice barely a whisper, feeling my anguish at hurting her in my eyes.

"Okay," she said, smiling at me. "So – since you're staying, can I have my stuff back?"

Still miserable, I couldn't help but to laugh at her teasing tone. "Your things were never gone. I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets – they're all under your floorboards," I said, remembering how pleased it had made me to feel like I was still watching over her.

" _Really?"_  her eyes lit up. I nodded, glad to make her happy.

"I think, I'm not sure, but I wonder… I think maybe I knew it the whole time." Her words were slow, like she was talking through a tough problem.

"What did you know?"

"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices."

Voices. She was hearing voices. I knew it; she was crazy. I had known it the day I saved her from the human men in Port Angeles. When she told me it didn't matter to her what I was, I had considered having her committed, certain the reason why I couldn't hear her, the reason why she was content to sit calmly beside a monster, was because she was insane. Now she admitted to hearing  _voices?_

"Voices?"

"Well, just one voice. Yours. It's a long story," she said, suddenly looking embarrassed and as though she wished she hadn't said anything.

"I've got time," I said, needing her to explain.

"It's pretty pathetic." I said nothing, waiting for her to tell me exactly what was wrong with her. "Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?"

"You jumped off a cliff for fun." I saw again the image of her despairing face, followed by her exhilarated expression as she flung herself over the edge of the enormous cliff. I held myself still, fearing what she would say. How else had I harmed her? Had my leaving finally driven her over a different kind of edge?

"Er, right. And before that, with the motorcycle – "

"Motorcycle?" I could not picture my Bella on a motorcycle, her clumsy tendencies would surely have sent her skidding into trucks, or over the edge of the mountains. An image of Bella in bandages, smiling. Alice had seen this, too!

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

"No." My voice was flat, holding my fear in.

"Well, about that…" her voice was reluctant, her speech slow and halting. "See, I found that… when I was doing something dangerous or stupid… I could remember you more clearly. I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much – it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt."

_Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?_

I was speechless.

"And well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all, I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me." Her expression was astonished, but it could have been nothing compared to mine.

She was – purposely – doing stupid and dangerous things, intentionally  _risking_  her life because she missed me so terribly that it was the only way to be close to me? Was her need for me so great, but she had pushed her hurt down so far, that she couldn't even consciously think of me? As though her life wasn't in enough danger, as though fate didn't stalk her every step with one disaster after another, she had to go  _seek out_  ways to put herself at risk, for the simple pleasure of hearing my  _anger_?

"You… were… risking your life… to hear – " my voice was choked, I could barely speak, the words, the  _concept_  was so irrational, so ridiculous, so… so  _Bella._

She loved me so much that, not only did she prefer death to being without me, she actively sought it out! I was right, she was insane. More certain than ever that she had meant to fling herself to her death, no matter how she protested otherwise, I wondered if I would ever be able to let her out of my sight again. I'd have to keep a twenty-four hour guard on her at all times in order to run to a nearby park to hunt!

"Shh," she said, thinking hard. "Hold on a second. I'm having an epiphany here."

I was staring at her, open mouthed. Even if she hadn't stopped me, I wouldn't have been able to continue.

"Oh!"

"Bella?" I was worried now, more than ever.

"Oh. Okay. I see."

"Your epiphany?" I persisted.

She looked me in the eyes, her face full of wonder and understanding. "You love me."

Unable to stop myself from grinning at her, I assured her. "Truly, I do."

I could see it in her eyes. She believed me. She finally believed me! In a way that she never had before, no matter how often I had told her before, no matter how often I showed her that I loved her, she had never really believed. She had thought herself somehow unworthy. My most perfect angel truly believed herself to be plain, boring, not good enough to be with a monster. Whatever it was that she saw in me, she saw herself as inferior and doubted that she was loveable. But I could see it in her eyes, in the look of wonder on her face. She knew it as surely as I did: I loved her. She was my entire world. I needed her, cherished her, wanted her, loved her and she was the only woman I ever would want.

And she knew it at last.

She  _was_  crazy, crazy about me, but that was okay, because I shared her insanity. It was crazy for a vampire to be in love with a human, and I loved her more than I would ever be able to say. Words didn't exist that could express my love for her, so I told her in the only way I knew how.

Holding her face in my hands, I kissed her with a fierce joy and relief. I felt again the certainty, she was mine –  _mine! –_ and I was hers and we were all that mattered. Her arms wound around me, her hands in my hair, and her body pressed against me as I pressed my lips to hers over and over. I felt her heart pounding against my chest, could taste her panting breaths as she kissed me, her mouth hungry on mine. For far too long I had missed her. All the long months of our separation, I had wished without end that I could hold her again, touch her face, smell her breath, her hair. She had consumed my thoughts every second I had been away and now, at long last, she was in my arms, kissing me as I kissed her, believing in my love as I believed in hers.

Eventually, I released her lips – I might not need to breathe, but she did – and pressed my forehead against hers, panting as though my lungs needed air, too. My body was singing, my skin tingled wherever she had touched me – I knew every place exactly – my lips and hands warmed from the heat of her love.

I thought it time for another confession. Now that she knew I loved her – knew it and believed it – I wanted her to know how wonderful she was. I didn't want her to think herself inferior to me in any way. She was perfection, an angel in human form, goodness and beauty personified, and she needed to know it.

"You were better at it than I was, you know."

"Better at what?" she asked, her breath still gasping.

"Surviving. You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was… totally useless. I couldn't be around my family – I couldn't be around anyone. I'm embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me. It was much more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too." I grinned at her.

"I only heard one voice," she said, her eyes twinkling.

I laughed at her and hugged her body tight against mine as we started walking again.

"I'm only humoring you with this. It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say." There was no way I was going to allow my angel to die, to end her life, to damage her soul by becoming a monster. I couldn't stop her from loving one, but I'd do everything in my power to prevent her from  _being_  one.

"This affects them now, too."

I shrugged. It didn't matter. I had learned that, as much as I loved my family – which was a whole hell of a lot – I loved her more. My family I could survive without. Bella, I could not.

When we were inside my house, I could see that my family had been busy. The furniture was uncovered, the house cleaned from after our long months away. They had moved back in, as though they had never left. I was home again, at last, with my angel in my arms and I sighed happily before I called for my family to join us.

"Carlisle? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?" I had heard them waiting for me just out of sight and before Bella could blink, Carlisle was standing beside her. I could feel the gratitude and love he felt for her emanating from him. She had brought me back home.

 _Welcome home, Edward. We're all so glad you are here. Both of you._  I smiled at him. It felt so good to smile again and I sighed once more with pleasure.

He was smiling at her. "Welcome back, Bella. What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not purely a social visit?"

She nodded to him. "I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important."

_Alice told us about everything that happened while you were in Italy. I'm sure you understand why I left them. It's unfortunate that Aro's obsessions have put us in danger, but if they had not, I would have lost my son. Alice is right; you two cannot continue to be together unless you are equals. She is your mate, Edward. You know what that means._

No longer smiling, I didn't answer him. We couldn't be equals. Angels and demons were not equal. I could never be an angel and I refused to make of her a demon. We would just have to find a way to make things work as they were. Bella was strong, stronger than I gave her credit for and our love was stronger still. It would see us through.

"Of course," Carlisle answered her. "Why don't we talk in the other room?" He led the way into the dining room and I saw that they had replaced the table I had broken. I heard Esme relating her pleasure in picking out the new furniture, trying to make me feel better for having done so much damage. She loved decorating the house and was pleased with her new purchase. She'd made a good choice.

The rectangular mahogany table from before had been replaced with a long, oval, dark cherry masterpiece. It had gold worked in a leafy design around the edges, the wood laid in such a way that the grains radiated outward from the center. It looked almost like a flower in the process of blooming and the gold caught the light from the chandelier above, making the table shine.

 _You should get angry more often,_  Esme thought with a laugh.  _Next time you feel like destroying some furniture, Edward, I'd love an excuse to replace the end tables in the livingroom._

I shot her a dark look, not amused.

Carlisle held a seat out for Bella and took the one on her right while I sat on her left. My family filed into the room, sitting together at the new table. Alice was grinning at Bella, but kept up a running recitation of countries and capitals to hide what she knew. Rosalie was still chagrinned at her part in what had nearly been the end of the world and gave Bella a tentative smile, which she returned.

Jasper was barely breathing, still angry with me, but also feeling ashamed at having so nearly killed Bella. He was sampling our emotions with surprise.  _I thought your love for each other was strong before. Well, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Please, don't ever leave her again, though. I don't think I could take it if you two were any_ more _in love than you are now. If you start spouting sonnets at her, I might start breaking some furniture of my own._

I scowled at him while he smirked at me. I took Bella's hand in mine under the table as Carlisle told Bella, "The floor is yours." I heard her swallow nervously. She hated being the center of attention, but she was the one who asked for this meeting.

"Well, I'm hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?" she started by asking.

"Everything," Alice said, smugly.

"And on the way?" Bella looked at her sharply.

 _On the way?_ This was what Alice was trying to hide from me and I glared at her, trying to worm past her defenses.

"That, too," Alice confirmed.

"Good," Bella sighed. "Then we're all on the same page." She paused for a moment while my family watched her and I watched them. None of them were letting me see what Alice had said. I gritted my teeth. This couldn't be good, despite what Bella said.

"So, I have a problem," she explained. "Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They're going to send someone to check, and I'm sure that's a bad thing – something to avoid. And so, now, this involves you all. I'm sorry about that."

Of course, my Bella was taking the blame for the Volturi upon herself.  _I_  was the one who went to them.  _I_  was the one who showed Aro what Alice could do, what I could do, and  _I_  was the reason he was going to come after us, to acquire the present and future he so wanted. Yet Bella felt that she was to blame.

"But, if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not."

 _WHAT?_  I saw suddenly what Alice had promised her.

" _I really wish you could have been right about me. In the beginning, when you first saw things about me, before we even met…"_  Bella had said to Alice during their flight to save my life.

" _What do you mean?"_

" _You saw me become one of you."_

" _It was a possibility at the time,"_ Alice had said with a sigh.

" _At the time,"_ Bella had repeated, her mouth an unhappy grimace, the crease between her eyebrows deep, evidence of her sorrow.

" _Actually, Bella… Honestly, I think it's all gotten beyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you myself."_

Bella had stared at her, open mouthed, her eyes wide.

" _Did I scare you?"_  Alice asked.  _"I thought that's what you wanted."_

" _I do! Oh, Alice, do it now! I could help you so much – and I wouldn't slow you down. Bite me!"_

As they were on a plane full of people at the time and transformation from human to vampire would take days – days of screaming in agony, of feeling her body burning as each cell changed from living human to living stone, as the venom worked its way through her veins and into every organ, every bone, days of feeling herself die slowly, but without the release true death would bring – Alice had refused her request. During the transformation process, Bella would be writhing, screaming in pain, incapable of conscious movement. If Alice had changed her at the time, she would not have been able to save me. But Alice had promised her that if we all made it out of Volterra alive, that she would change her, then.

And here we all were, alive. And Bella was planning on asking her to make good on her promise.

 _NO!_  I thought.  _No, no this can't be happening!_  Furiously, I tried to think of a way out of the future I could so clearly see happening. My Bella – who loved me, who finally believed I loved her, who incredibly still wanted me – my Bella, becoming a killer.

Esme opened her mouth to assure Bella that she was  _very_  much wanted, but Bella held up a finger to stop her.

"Please, let me finish. You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then… I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have  _them_  coming  _here_." She finished with a frown.

I felt myself growling. As if I'd let her go back to those monsters. Aro probably would be willing to change her, if only because he knew that I'd come to get her, and he'd get both of us. Caius and Aro would both get what they wanted, and Bella would feast on the next tour group, which would be arranged in her honor.

I felt awful for yet another reason. What would it take to convince her that she was wanted? She still saw herself as inferior, as unlovable, no matter how often I told her how special she was, she refused to see.

"Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire."

I saw her mouth twist into a half-smile as she said the last word. She gestured at Carlisle, but I interrupted. I had to fight for her soul, for her life, and I refused to believe that my family would do this to me, to her. I knew – as I had pointed out when convincing them all to leave – that they all missed their human lives. I  _knew_  that she would regret turning into a monster, but by then it would be too late.

"Just a minute," I growled. She glared at me, but I squeezed her hand, silently begging her to let me have my say. "I have something to add before we vote." She sighed in resignation, knowing I would be arguing against the transformation.

"About the danger Bella's referring to. I don't think we need to be overly anxious. You see," I explained, "there was more than one reason why I didn't want to shake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn't want to clue them in." Grinning, I recalled how easily I had been able to read Aro's mind. He had been shocked at his inability to read Bella, but even more so, shocked that Jane had been unable to hurt her. My and Aro's talents were so similar that it made a kind of sense to him that neither of us could read her. But Jane's talent was pain. He couldn't understand why Bella had been immune to her.  _I_ , on the other hand, was starting to understand.

"Which was?" Alice prompted me. She had hated her lack of knowledge about the Volturi and I had little doubt that she would be quizzing Carlisle for every detail about them that he could remember for some time to come. Had, in fact, already started.

"The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really a problem. Do you remember Demetri?" I asked, glancing at Bella. She shuddered at the memory. I doubted she'd ever forget the trip through Hell, or any of the demons she had met there.

"He finds people," I continued. "That's his talent, why they keep him. Now, the whole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible. So I saw how Demetri's talent works. He's a tracker – a tracker a thousand times more gifted than James was." And far more successful than my pathetic attempts. "His ability is loosely related to what I do, or what Aro does. He catches the… flavor? I don't know how to describe it… the tenor… of someone's mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances."

There was no place on Earth that a person could hide from him, but I had heard him attempting to sample Bella's mind. I'd heard him trying and  _failing_  to find her, even in the small room with her standing directly in front of him.

"But after Aro's little experiments, well…" I shrugged, grateful that, once more, my Bella was the exception to every rule. I smirked in satisfaction.

"You think he won't be able to find me," she said, her anger apparent in her voice.

"I'm sure of it. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'll all be blind."

"And how does that solve anything?" she asked, not understanding.

"Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you. They'll be helpless," and I could just picture the perfect place to hide her. A nice little house on the beach… I grinned with fierce pleasure, remembering all the times I had imagined her on the beach while I was away. "It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!" There was absolutely no way he'd be able to find a single invisible human among the billions currently living on Earth.

Emmett's delight in this plan was evident in his mind, and I glanced at him. He pictured for me Jane punishing Demetri for failing and we smirked at each other. Since he had acquired Jane and Alec's services, Aro's coven had become unstoppable, and they had already been powerful before. Emmett loved the idea of that most powerful of covens being bested by a bunch of squirrel eating vegetarians. I could have laughed.

"But they can find you," Bella protested.

"And I can take care of myself," I told her with confidence. I knew each one of their minds and would hear them coming long before they could catch me. Emmett laughed his huge bear laugh and reached over to bump his fist with mine.

 _...and with me at your back, I'd like to see them catch us!_  I smacked his fist with enthusiasm. I had known allowing him to help rip Victoria to shreds would help make things right with him, but kicking some Volturi butt was even better as far as he was concerned.

"No," Rosalie hissed at me.  _Just because I'm glad your girlfriend saved your stupid life does_ not _mean I'm letting my Emmett risk his life for hers!_

The look on Bella's face was one of furious disbelief. "Absolutely not."

"Nice," Jasper said, agreeing with my assessment of their overconfidence, as well as their weaknesses.  _Relying on one skill alone makes them vulnerable to occurrences when that skill does not work, as now._

"Idiots," Alice said. She did not appreciate our enthusiasm for a good fight.  _Stupid egotistical males!_

 _I just got one son back, and now you want to take the rest of them on a vampire hunting trip? Absolutely not is right!_  Esme was too outraged to speak, glaring at me and letting her venomous thoughts flow fast and furious.

Taking control of the meeting with my family back, Bella said firmly, "All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider. Let's vote." She turned to me, her chocolate eyes boring into mine. She had accused me of dazzling her so often, but I could feel her using her new knowledge of my love for her against me. Her eyes were powerful windows into her amazingly strong soul as she demanded of me, "Do you want me to join your family?"

Trying to resist her gaze – which was harder still because I  _did_  want her for eternity. Selfishly, I wanted her for  _me_ , to hold her in my arms forever – I lied and said, "Not that way. You're staying human."

She nodded, knowing ahead of time that would be my answer.

"Alice?" she turned to my pixie faced sister, whose visions of the future were firm in her mind as she answered.

"Yes."  _Absolutely!_

"Jasper?"

"Yes."  _It would be nice to not want to kill your girlfriend all the time._

"Rosalie?"

Rose wavered, hesitating. She knew how angry I still was at her and was full of remorse at nearly causing my death. We did love each other. She pictured for me the times we'd spent together before Bella had come into my life. Tuning cars, racing, how I'd helped build her and Emmett their own house. But above all of this was her discontent at her life. Her misery at her childlessness. It was this that had her answering, "No."

As Bella turned to Esme, her face expressionless, Rose held up her hands.

"Let me explain," Rose begged. "I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me."

I could see the surprise on Bella's face as she nodded, appreciating Rose's explanation. Carlisle's remorse at his daughter's pain was evident in his thoughts. He'd thought he was helping her when he changed her. He'd hoped she would be happy, the way Esme was happy.

"Emmett?"

"Hell yes!" Emmett loved the idea of Bella as his sister. "We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri."  _With Bella at your side, we can take them all down! Our_ family _of eight could beat their_ coven _of five with our hands tied behind our backs!_  I glared at him, furious. Overconfidence was the Volturi's weakness, too.

Bella turned to look at Esme who answered before Bella could even ask.

"Yes, of course, Bella. I already think of you as part of my family."  _Edward, there really is no other way._

"Thank you, Esme," she said, sounding surprised. She didn't realize, still, how much my family loved her.

When she turned to Carlisle, he was staring at me, while I glared back at him.

 _She's your mate, Edward. I knew when you first told me you were in love with her that you couldn't live without her._ "Edward," he said aloud.  _I'll change her myself if she asks me to. I'll bite her right now._

"No," I growled at him.

 _I will not lose you again. You didn't see what your absence did to our family. We aren't whole without you and you aren't whole without her._  "It's the only way that makes sense. You've chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice."

I pushed myself away from the table and stalked out of the room, livid.  _How can they do this to me? They know what this will mean! They don't want to be killers any more than I do! It's the whole reason why we are vegetarians! Yet they are more than happy to kill_ her! _To turn her into a killer, too!_

I picked up the end table I was stalking past and hurled it across the room where it smashed through Carlisle's enormous flat screen television and through the wall, breaking into pieces in the next room. The TV fell to the floor with an ear splitting crash.

Breathing quickly, holding myself perfectly still to avoid tearing the entire house apart, piece by piece, I stood in the middle of the livingroom and tried to come to terms with the inevitable. Alice's visions of the future were firm and clear. She held the picture of Bella and I in her mind. Our hands were entwined, both cold, white, and dead, and Bella's eyes were a vivid red.

My memories of a few months ago flashed through my mind. Clearly, I could see Maria's coven members recalling their kills. I could see the child as he was stolen out of his bed, a look of terror on his face just before he died. I remembered Claire's delight in murdering men. She'd stalked them, searching for those who reminded her of men she'd known in life. She'd let them believe her vulnerable, helpless… until she got them alone. The damage she'd inflict upon their bodies made her bites impossible to detect.

Maria's taunting images of Jasper killing thousands of humans were sharp and intense, mixed with the image of his face while he did so. Jasper was able to feel everything his prey felt as he'd fed on them. Not only that, but he felt everything the vampires he'd trained had felt when he betrayed them, ripping them apart and turning them into ash. It was his empathy for the humans he'd killed and the pain that being a murderer had caused him, that had forced him to leave Maria and embrace our way of life, no matter how difficult he found it still.

I could remember Joaquim's revulsion as he fed on the human Rafael had left for him, and as he stalked and killed the tourists, knowing that his own daughter had died in the same way.

But worse than all of these images were my own memories. My face in the minds of my victims was the last thing they had seen. A monster with red eyes and flashing teeth, had been the image I'd seen again and again. I could taste the men I'd murdered, could feel their hot blood running down my throat, quenching the burning thirst I felt at last, the rich, thick flow so much more satisfying than animal blood. Like Jasper could feel his victim's terror, I could hear mine. My inner monster dead, I was now in control of myself completely. If I reverted to killing humans, it would be my doing, and not my nature taking over. I couldn't fool myself though; the decision had been mine then, too. Even now, as the thought passed through my mind, I felt the burn, the yearning in my throat, the ache in my stomach, my hunger an echo of my thirst.

And worse still, worse than any other image could compare, a picture of Bella, dead bodies at her feet, their corpses mangled as she'd been unable to prevent herself from destroying them while she satisfied her uncontrollable newborn cravings. I could see it all too clearly - her red eyes, her hands bloodied, her lips stained crimson as a trickle of blood ran down from her mouth.

"That's all I needed," Bella said, her voice thick with emotion. "Thank you. For wanting to keep me. I feel exactly the same way about all of you."

"Dearest, Bella," Esme said.  _...another daughter!_

"Well, Alice, where do you want to do this?"

At those words, I felt within Alice two conflicting emotions. The first was fear. She was afraid of killing her best friend. After everything they had just gone through to save me only days ago, she was sure she would be unable to stop if she bit her now, because the second emotion she felt was elation. Bella just smelled  _so good_. Alice could taste her venom flowing and I felt an echo of the thirst in her mind at her thought of giving in and drinking the human who smelled better to all of them than nearly every other human they'd ever met.

Sprinting back into the dining room, I was screaming at them all, "No!  _No!_ NO!" Getting right into her face, I shouted at Bella in a way I never had before. "Are you insane? Have you utterly lost your mind?" My voice was loud enough to hurt her and she put her hands over her ears, cringing away from me for the first time with fear in her eyes.

"Um, Bella…" Alice's fear was apparent in her voice and her thoughts. "I don't think I'm  _ready_  for that. I'll need to prepare…"

"You promised," Bella insisted, ignoring me.

"I know, but… Seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how to  _not_  kill you."

I could see that. Her thirst was so strong at that moment, with the delicious smelling human girl practically begging her to bite her, Alice was holding herself completely still. In her mind, the image of Bella with crimson eyes wavered to be replaced with one of her dead in Alice's arms, Alice's eyes now the bright red ones, glowing with Bella's blood.

"You can do it," Bella insisted. "I trust you."

I felt a furious growl in my chest as I warned Alice off. She was shaking her head, trying to bring Bella's vampire future back into focus.

"Carlisle?" Bella turned to my father. If my sister could not do it, he definitely could. He had turned the four of us; turning Bella would certainly be within his ability.

Trying not to break her jaw, I grabbed her face in my hands, forcing her eyes to meet mine, needing their deep brown to  _stay_  brown, not wanting to picture them the vivid red that was once more in Alice's mind. I held a hand out to Carlisle, warning him to keep away.

He ignored me, as they all did. I may as well have been a ghost for all the good I was doing.

"I'm able to do it. You would be in no danger of me losing control."

"Sounds good," she mumbled around my grip.

Alice's thoughts were calm again, now that she wasn't afraid of killing Bella.  _This is going to happen, Edward. You know it. We all know it. I've known it since the day you saved her life from the van. The only question has ever been when. Accept her future, stop fighting it. You'll both be happier._

Carlisle's thoughts were along the same line.  _Son, we will be able to help Bella. You can protect her from her nature, from becoming the killer you fear. With Alice to watch her future, Jasper to read her emotions, and you to look for any humans nearby, we can keep her humanity safe. Bella is your mate. The sooner you accept that, the happier you both will be._

Growling at them, I tried once again to delay the future I feared so badly. "Hold on. It doesn't have to be now."

"There's no reason for it not to be now," she said, her words still distorted by my hand on her face.

"I can think of a few," I said desperately.

"Of course you can. Now let go of me," she said, angry.

Trying once again not to destroy yet more furniture, I folded my arms across my chest and held my body rigid as I tried to reason with her.

"In about two hours, Charlie will be here looking for you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police."

"All three of them," she said with a frown.

Glaring at Carlisle, I spoke through gritted teeth, "In the interest of remaining  _inconspicuous_ , I suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least until Bella finishes high school, and moves out of Charlie's house."

"That's a reasonable request," Carlisle said to my relief.

Bella's mouth showed her pain at hurting her father. Then, she said, "I'll consider it."

Relieved beyond words that she was no longer insisting on ending her life that very moment, I said, "I should probably take you home, just in case Charlie wakes up early."

Bella glanced at Carlisle and begged for confirmation, "After graduation?"

"You have my word."

Her smile was broad, victorious. She turned to me and said, "Okay. You can take me home."

Through Jasper's mind, I could feel that she was practically radiating joy. I could see it in her face, her body. Grabbing her hand, I dragged her out of the house before anyone could say another word and took off back to her home.

_No. This can't be happening. No matter that Carlisle insists we will be able to protect her. Even if she does get past her newborn years without killing, as I did, eventually she will give in! Even if not on purpose… Emmett and Esme, they've made mistakes, and Bella will, too!_

The thought of her killing was repugnant to me. It went against nature. From the very start, I had wanted to protect Bella… until I had wanted to kill her, that is. The first day she came to school and I heard the thoughts of all of the petty humans around her, I had wanted to warn her. Jessica was no good friend to have. Her mind was vicious and jealous. Mike was not the innocent puppy he pretended to be. What he wanted of her was not much better than the human monster had, just with her consent. Every human boy in the school that first day had had thoughts similar to Mike's, and every girl – with the exception of Angela – had had thoughts similar to Jessica's.

I had tried everything in my power to protect her from me. I had pushed her away in the beginning, I had fought down the monster as we fell in love, I had  _left!_  Now, my family had conspired against me. They were going to make her a vampire no matter what I did. It was her fate and I was a fool for trying to fight it. Alice was always right. Bella was going to be a vampire. My father had agreed to turn her in a few short months!

We were back at Bella's house now, and I scaled her wall as easily as ever, depositing her on her bed while I paced her small room.

Bella was so young! She had not even begun to live her life. There was so much about being a human that she had not had the chance to experience.

My mate, Carlisle had called her. While she might be that in my heart, she was not that in reality. But she could be. She loved me. Even after all that I had done to her, she loved me and wanted to be with me. Wanted to be with me so badly, in fact, that she had convinced my father to turn her into a monster. She knew I loved her, knew it, and believed it at last.

Looking within myself, I came to terms with the truth of what Alice had said. I wanted her forever. I  _did_  want the future she was rushing toward: eternity in the arms of my angel. I wanted it desperately, even stronger now than I had wanted it seven months ago. Terrified as I was that turning her into a vampire would change her, that killing would kill her soul, I wanted what it would mean to me. I wanted her as a man wants a woman.

"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work," she told me, sourly. She'd won her victory, now she could see me trying to figure out a way to get out of the future we both knew was inevitable.

"Shh. I'm thinking." I needed to try to look beyond what this would mean in the short term, to what it would mean in the long term. Charlie, Renée, her human friends, her wolf friends – there were repercussions that she didn't even know about – her life after school, college, a career, a family… Being a vampire changed everything.

"Ugh," she said, flinging herself back onto the bed and pulling her quilt over her face.

That was absolutely unacceptable! I flashed over to her bed, lay my body next to hers, and pulled the cover off of her so that I could see her beautiful face. Tenderly, I brushed my fingers across her cheek, moving aside the hair that obstructed my view of her perfection.

"If you don't mind, I'd much rather you didn't hide your face. I've lived without it for as long as I can stand." Truer words had never been spoken.

She was determined to be a vampire and there was nothing I could do about it. She'd been willing to wait until graduation, maybe she would be willing to wait until she'd lived just a little bit more. High school, after all, was far from the best part of being a human. She should see what she was giving up before her human life was over.

"Now… tell me something."

"What?" she asked, suspicious.

"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"

"You." Ah the pleasure that simple word brought me, but it wasn't what I needed right then. I was hers. I had been hers completely from the moment our eyes met across a crowded high school cafeteria.

Shaking my head, I clarified, "Something you don't already have."

"I would want… Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want  _you_ to change me." Her answers always surprised me. Why would that make a difference to her? I could almost believe she was a demon, sent to complete my damnation even further. What sin could be worse than stealing her life myself? But she was far too pure to be anything other than an angel. And if she was willing to stay human, to live and experience her life for just a bit longer, there was nothing I would deny her. Even that.

"What would you be willing to trade for that?"

"Anything."

She wanted death at my hands – or teeth. I wanted time.

"Five years?" Her face took on a look of horror. "You said anything," I reminded her.

"Yes, but… you'll use the time to find a way out of it. I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it's just too dangerous to be human – for me, at least. So, anything but  _that_."

"Three years?" I begged her.

"No!" Still so stubborn.

"Isn't it worth anything to you at all?"

She eyed me. "Six months?"

_Ugh. There was so much I wanted for her. Six months wouldn't do! It wouldn't even see her through one semester of college!_

"Not good enough."

"One year then," she compromised. "That's my limit."

"At least give me two."

"No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere  _near_  twenty. If you're staying in your teens forever, then so am I."

I remembered both of our worries about how the other would feel when I looked like her son. So she wanted to be with me while, according to appearances, we were still the same age. Despite the fact that I was nearly a hundred when she'd been born.

What she wanted more than anything in the world was me, she'd said. As it happened, I had the same want. Her, as my mate. Well, if we were going to be mates, I wanted to do it properly. Completely. I wanted to make her mine in every way.

"All right. Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one – then you'll just have to meet one condition." I could feel my excitement at the thought.

"Condition? What condition?" her voice didn't give away any emotion, but her eyes were wary. I could feel my eyes filling with all of the love I had for her, all of the love I'd been denying for months. Staring at her hard, willing her to say what I needed to hear, I asked for her to give me something I never thought I'd be able to ask for. Something I thought I'd never be able to be.

"Marry me, first."

She stared at me blankly. I could feel my eyes pleading with her.  _Say yes._

"Okay. What's the punch line?"

 _Ouch._  "You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it's a joke."

"Edward, please be serious." At least that wasn't a no.

"I am one hundred percent serious," I assured her, still begging her with my eyes.

"Oh, c'mon. I'm only eighteen." Her voice had a high pitched edge of fear. Eternity as a vampire she didn't fear, but being married she does.

"Well," I said, trying to keep my tone light, "I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down."

She looked away from me, fear in her face, now.

"Look, marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Renée and Charlie." Still not a no.

"Interesting choice of words," I said, my mouth twisting.

"You know what I mean."

 _Hmm. Do I? How I wish just once that I could hear inside her convoluted brain!_ I took a deep breath, trying to contain my impatience. Most couples married with a vow of 'till death do we part'. As a vampire, that wasn't an option. Forever as my wife – the word sent a shiver of joy through me – truly meant  _forever_.

"Please don't tell me that you're afraid of the commitment." She could commit to an eternity of suffering and torment, why not to one of joy and bliss?

"That's not it exactly." She hesitated. "I'm… afraid of Renée. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you're thirty."

But Bella didn't want to  _turn_  thirty. Why wouldn't she agree? I had the feeling she was searching for excuses the way she had when trying to get out of her birthday party, and was not telling me the real reasons.

"Because she'd rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married," I said with a dark laugh.

"You think you're joking."

 _Far from it!_ "Bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a marital union as opposed to bartering your soul in exchange for an eternity as a vampire…" I shook my head at her, confused.  _She hasn't said no… Why won't she say yes?!_  I was certain she loved me. As certain of her love as she was of mine. Why else did she want to be a vampire if not to spend eternity with me? Shouldn't she do so as, not just my mate, but my wife? "If you're not brave enough to marry me, then – "

"Well, what if I did?" she cut me off. "What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?"

 _Almost a yes!_  I grinned at her broadly. Excited now, I thought Vegas sounded great. "Sure. I'll get my car."

"Dammit," she muttered. "I'll give you eighteen months," she offered.

Still grinning, I declined. "No deal. I like  _this_  condition." Accepting at last that she'd be a vampire, that she would be my mate for eternity, I wanted to marry her like I'd never wanted anything before.

"Fine. I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate," she grumbled.

Knowing this for the bluff that it was, I shrugged. "If that's what you really want."

"You're impossible. A monster," she groaned.

 _Yes. Yes I am._  I laughed at her. "Is that why you won't marry me?"

She groaned again. Still, not a yes or a no.

Leaning close to her, begging her once again with my eyes, looking intently into her chocolate eyes, the windows to the purest, most beautiful, strongest soul I'd ever met, I poured my love for her into her and begged. " _Please,_ Bella?"

She stopped breathing. I'd forgotten she tended to do that when dazzled, but was happy that it still worked. Maybe I should have proposed properly. "Would this have gone better if I'd had time to get a ring?" As it happened, I already had one. I could run home and be back before she knew it.

"No! No rings!" she said far too loud.

Charlie's snores cut off and I heard him wake, his thoughts full of relief that Bella was awake, and fury, still, at me.

"Now you've done it," I whispered. He should  _not_  find me here.

"Oops," she said, understanding immediately.

"Charlie's getting up; I'd better leave," I said sadly.

She stared at me, agonized, but not saying anything.

"Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?"

"No. Stay. Please." She was whispering and I was sure it wasn't just due to Charlie.

I grinned at her and flashed over to her closet, sliding the door open and shut behind me before she could even see me move. I felt sort of guilty then. We'd never really discussed what to tell Charlie and in Bella's insistence over becoming a vampire, hadn't spoken with Alice about it either. I heard her door creak open as Charlie checked on her.

"Morning, Dad," she said as if it was any other day. As if there wasn't a vampire hiding in her closet. I nearly laughed.

"Oh, hey, Bella. I didn't know you were awake."

"Yeah. I've just been waiting for you to wake up so I could take a shower." I heard her bed springs as she moved to get up.

"Hold on. Let's talk for a minute first." I saw the sudden light pour under the door as he turned her light on.

"You know you're in trouble."

"Yeah, I know."

"I just about went crazy these last three days. I come home from Harry's  _funeral_ , and you're gone. Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble. You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when – or if – you were coming back. Do you have any idea how… how…"

Charlie had always been a man of few words. Although he loved his daughter fiercely, he'd never been openly expressive about it. In trying to voice his emotions now, I could hear his composure falter. He was holding on, but through sheer willpower alone. I knew that where Bella got part of her strength from was her father. Charlie may hate  _me_  at the moment, but I respected him a great deal. I wished it were possible to be truthful with him. It might make him hate me less to know that I'd only left her to try to protect her… Then again, he'd probably do everything in his power to keep Bella away from the monster hiding in her closet. If he thought me just a boy, a bad influence perhaps, an untrustworthy, unworthy  _boy_ , Bella might be able to convince him to accept me back into her life. I wasn't going anywhere and we both knew it. It would be nice if Charlie did, too.

"Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonville this second?" he demanded.

"Because I won't go."

"Now just one minute, young lady – " I nearly laughed at his tone.

"Look, Dad," she interrupted. "I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for as long as you want. I will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned my lesson. And I guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out, too – but that won't make me go to Florida."

Two emotions warred within him at her speech. One was fury, again mostly directed at me. The other was relief. He could see a difference in her. Since she'd started hanging around with Jacob – and the dog was nearly a saint in his eyes – Bella had gotten some of her sparkle back, but he could still see the lines of pain and depression. Looking at her through his eyes, I could see a difference between his memory of her from last week and how she looked now.

She no longer looked broken. Not mended, but as though she'd never been hurt. Happy, even. The haunted look he hadn't really understood was gone from her eyes. He took several deep breaths and then asked, "Would you like to explain where you've been?"

"There was… an emergency," she said, lamely.

 _...emergency? You've got to do better than that, Bella,_  he thought.

I heard her blow a huge sigh out. "I don't know what to tell you, Dad. It was mostly a misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand." Bella really was a terrible liar. Maybe that's why she believed mine so easily. She was absolutely trustworthy, and gave her trust in the same manor. I resolved to try to be worthy of that trust, but for now, she needed to lie better.

Charlie waited without answering.

"See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff…"

_WHAT?!_

"I guess I didn't tell you about that. It was nothing. Just messing around. Swimming with Jake. Anyway, Rosalie told Edward, and he was upset. She sort of accidentally made it sound like I was trying to kill myself or something. He wouldn't answer his phone, so Alice dragged me to… L.A., to explain in person."

" _Were_  you trying to kill yourself, Bella?" The thought made him cold. I could feel the icy fear in his mind and understood it completely. I had  _seen_  her jump off that cliff. I still believed that she didn't intend to survive the fall.

"No, of course not. Just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time. Like I said, nothing."

I could feel the effect her repeated mention of Jacob was having on Charlie.  _Jake_  was worthy of his daughter.  _I_  was not.

"What's it to Edward Cullen anyway? All this time, he's just left you dangling without a word – "

"Another misunderstanding," she interrupted him.

"So is he back, then?"

"I'm not sure what the exact plan is. I  _think_  they all are."

"I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don't trust him. He's rotten for you. I won't let him mess you up like that again."

"Fine."

My stomach dropped. If it was alive, my heart would have stopped beating.

"Oh. I thought you were going to be difficult."

"I am. I meant, 'Fine, I'll move out'."

Overwhelming relief from me. Terror from Charlie.

"Dad, I don't  _want_  to move out." Her words were soft, full of love for her father. "I love you. I know you're worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you're going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?"

"That's not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay."

"Then be nice to Edward, because he's going to be where I am." I could hear her confidence in me in her voice and my dead heart swelled with love for the fragile human girl. Fragile her body may be, but she was also the strongest person I'd ever met.

"Not under my roof," Charlie said, furious.

"Look, I'm not going to give you any more ultimatums tonight – or I guess it's this morning. Just think about it for a few days, okay? But keep in mind that Edward and I are sort of a package deal."

"Bella – "

"Think it over," she pressed him. "And while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy? I  _really_  need a shower."

Charlie left slamming the door behind him. His thoughts were filled with words that I would never repeat in Bella's presence, but they were, of course, directed at me. I sighed sadly. He really hated me. Not that I blamed him after what I'd seen him remember Bella going through. I flashed out of her closet, closing the door and moving to sit in her rocking chair so fast it must have seemed to her as though I appeared out of thin air.

"Sorry about that," she whispered, taking the blame as always.

"It's not as if I don't deserve far worse. Don't start anything with Charlie over me, please," I begged her.

"Don't worry about it. I will start exactly as much as is necessary and no more than that. Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhere to go?" she widened her eyes at me, knowingly.

"You'd move in with a house full of vampires?"

"That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides…" she grinned at me wickedly, "if Charlie kicks me out, then there's no need for a graduation deadline, is there?"

She was relentless. "So eager for eternal damnation," I muttered, disapprovingly. I might have accepted it, but I didn't have to like it.

"You know you don't really believe that." Her tone was matter-of-fact.

"Oh, don't I?" I said, furious. I  _knew_  I was damned.

"No, you don't."

Glaring at her, I wondered if this was why she was so willing to become a vampire. Did she really not believe it would cost her soul? I started to argue with her, but she cut me off.

"If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn't – you said, ' _Amazing, Carlisle was right.'_ There's hope in you, after all." She was beaming at me in triumph.

In shock, I stared at her, open mouthed. She was right. I had believed we were in Heaven together. Not just that our souls were reunited in death, but in  _Heaven!_  For those few brief moments, I had been convinced of it.

"So let's just be hopeful, all right? Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't need Heaven."

In Seattle, not so long ago, I had felt the same way.  _What need had I of Heaven if I could spend eternity in the arms of my angel,_  I had asked myself.

Slowly, feeling full of hope and overwhelming love, I stood and took her face in my hands. "Forever," I vowed to her.

"That's all I'm asking for," she said and stretched herself up to kiss me. Standing in my little piece of Heaven in the small room I had dreamt of for so long with my own personal angel held in my arms, I kissed her back with passion. Afraid of neither myself nor the future, absolutely certain of our love for each other, I looked toward the future we were rushing toward, and hoped.


	20. Epilogue - Treaty

**Epilogue - Treaty**

Life went back to normal for us pretty quickly. Thanks to Jasper, Alice and I rejoined our classes. He forged our records for the time when we were supposed to be in L.A. – the story that had been put about town – showing the classes we had taken there. High school was now highly enjoyable for me. Sitting beside Bella every day, we would watch each other, silly grins on our faces every time I'd catch her eye.

Bella still hadn't given me an answer either way, so we continued life as though graduation was not the deadline it seemed. Every day after school, during the few short hours Charlie would allow me in his house, I'd bring over a stack of college applications to help her fill out. This mundane activity helped Charlie's opinion of me only slightly, but I ignored his anger. I hoped that continuing to treat him with the respect I felt for him, coupled with Bella's constant joy in my presence, he would one day forgive me.

Despite the number of applications we filled out, Bella was reluctant to consider college as a true option. To her it was the excuse she would give as her reason for disappearing when she became a vampire. To me, it was the way her human life  _should_  go, and as long as she was willing to remain alive, I was going to see to it that she lived a full life. I had enjoyed college far more than high school and felt sure she would do the same. What college she chose didn't matter to me as I wasn't going so that I could receive my education – I already held a dozen different degrees – I was only going in order to be with her.

Bella was not allowed to go anywhere other than work or school and Charlie would kick me out of his house every night at nine exactly. I used the enforced time away from her to reunite with my family. Due to the months I had spent without hunting, my body seemed to use up the blood from the animals I killed much faster, so that I went hunting several times a week, though I refused to go far, sticking to the local parks I could easily reach in the few hours I was forced to spend apart from Bella. I made certain that at least one member of my family watched Bella closely whenever she was out of my sight. There was no way I would leave her unprotected with Victoria still after her.

Carlisle went back to work at the hospital, telling them that Esme had hated life in such a large city. Rose and Emmett delayed their anticipated wedding plans, not wanting to go on an extended honeymoon so soon after our family was reunited. When not hunting, we spent the evenings with Carlisle while he went over his years with the Volturi in detail. We knew it would only be a matter of time before Aro moved against us and we were determined to be prepared. Alice kept watch over him, much to her disgust. She hated seeing him massacring humans, but she knew that our family was in danger.

Emmett and Jasper kept up a patrol around Forks, pacing the border of the reservation and circling the town, searching for any signs for Victoria's return. Alice hadn't seen her coming back, but watched her as she did Aro. Shortly after our return, Esme and Rosalie caught a flight to Houston to return my car to me. I had left it in the airport parking lot when I'd flown from Houston to Rio. I warned them not to stop in the city for any reason, telling them that Maria's coven would not take kindly to their presence. I neglected to mention that Maria herself was no longer a threat. I'd kept tabs on the patterns of deaths and disappearances in Houstan and was sure most - if not all - of the coven had left, but I knew that it would only be a matter of time before another vampire took up residence in the heavily populated area. Though I still felt guilty at sending them out into the world, at least Texas would no longer be tormented by the bloodthirsty coven.

 _My_  source of torment was, surprisingly, the dog. Bella worried about him constantly, though she tried not to mention him too much in my presence. I spent every night with her sleeping in my arms and she still talked in her sleep.

"Jacob. My Jacob," she would murmur, and every time she did, I felt a rage overtake me. It was my own stupid fault, I reminded myself.  _I_ was the one who had left, and  _he_  was the one who had saved her. He'd saved her from Victoria and from Laurent, he'd saved her from drowning, he'd even saved her sanity. Whenever I was at her house, Charlie would think about Bella's despair and about how she'd only started to recover when she began hanging out around Jacob. He missed Jacob; he  _liked_  Jacob.

I knew Bella tried to call him, but since we came back, he'd avoided her calls. She tried to hide from me how often she tried to contact him – she'd make the calls when Charlie kicked me out – but the wolf prowled the forest outside her house while she slept and I could hear him thinking about her. His thoughts toward me were worse than either Charlie or Mike Newton's. Charlie was justified in his anger toward me, but his thoughts were only protective ones he felt for his daughter.

Mike had hated me ever since Bella had moved into town – or, at least, that's when I became aware of his feelings, as I had paid scant attention to him before then – and his thought were loud with his disgust that I was back in town. He had been rejected by Bella often enough that it was relatively easy to control the jealousy I still felt toward him. Bella had made it plain to both of us that she was mine. Her interest in him had never been more than friendly.

Jacob, on the other hand, hated me with a furious passion. He hated that I had left her because of the pain it had caused her, but he hated even more that I came back. Again and again, I heard him wish that he had never picked up the phone the day when I'd called to find out if Bella was dead. He kept seeing how close he'd been to kissing her, how he'd held her face in his hands, their lips just millimeters apart. He remembered how her breath had smelled, how cool her skin had felt against his - this surprised me as she'd always felt scalding hot to me. He was certain that if I had not called, or if he had not answered, she would be his right then. Between these thoughts flowed a constant string of insults – bloodsucker, parasite, and leech were his favorites.

The only thing that stopped me from jumping from her window and hurling myself at the mutt was the look on Bella's face in his memory. When I kissed her, when I touched her face, when I smiled at her, her eyes would grow wide, her pupils would dilate, her heart would skip, and her breathing would either stop or speed up to quick gasps. I could see in her face and eyes her excitement at having me near and knew with certainty that she loved me as I loved her. Her face in his mind as he almost kissed her did not hold the same expression. She looked scared and unhappy. I didn't think that, if he  _had_  kissed her, he would have gotten the reaction he kept envisioning.

It was bad enough having to listen to Bella dream about him - nearly every night - but hearing  _him_  when he prowled outside of her window every night made it worse. It was like they were communicating, somehow, her dreams and his fantasies. I ached to do something to him, anything, to force him to leave, to go away and  _stay_  away. I did my best to ignore him, though. If, somehow, Victoria managed to slip through, I knew that Jacob's presence would stop her from getting any closer. And if she happened to kill the dog before I managed to kill her, so much the better.

Even so, whenever she – rarely – mentioned him, I couldn't help but feel a scalding jealousy. Unlike Mike – or any of the boys at school – Bella truly cared about Jacob. He, more than any of the others, was a rival for her affections. It didn't matter that she had rejected them all, I was still horribly jealous of the fact that she dreamed of him, that she thought of him at all. It had always been me she'd said yes to… until I'd asked her to marry me, that is. Perhaps if I'd had that promise, the knowledge of her future as my mate and my wife, it would have been different. Then again, perhaps not. My feelings toward Bella had always been irrational.

Several weeks after our return, she voiced her anger to me over Jacob's continued rejection of her. "It's just plain rude!" she'd yelled as I drove her home from work. "Downright insulting! Billy said he didn't  _want_  to talk to me. That he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy just says he's out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it. I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair!"

She was furious, her fists clenched, her mouth turned down, the crease between her eyebrows deep. I was quite content with him avoiding her. As far as I was concerned, if she never saw him again, it would be too soon. Aside from the danger that the werewolf presented to her life, I didn't want him as a rival for her affections, or her time. Charlie gave me so little time with her as it was. But I didn't want her feeling bad over something that wasn't really her fault. Even without Bella in my life, my family and the wolves had never been friends. Only our superior numbers had kept them from attacking us last time. That we could have killed them easily, but didn't, was the only reason they had been willing to agree to the treaty that separated us now.

"It's not you, Bella. Nobody hates you," I assured her. She was just caught in the middle of a war that had existed since our two species had first met.

"Feels that way," she had grumbled, crossing her arms angrily and glaring out the window.

"Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure that he's ascertained that I'm with you. He won't come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply," I said reasonably.

"That's stupid. He knows you're not… like other vampires."

"There's still good reason to keep a safe distance." I was perfectly happy to have her angry with him. I'd rather she blame him than herself, but I didn't want her to be upset.

"Bella, we are what we are," I tried to explain. "I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He's very young. It would most likely turn into a fight and I don't know if I could stop it before I k – before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don't want that to happen." I was grinding my teeth, glaring out the windshield, knowing that if he lost his temper in my presence, he would go after me, and the way I felt toward him, I was sure that I would have yet another murder on my hands. Better that he just stay away. Far away.

"Edward Cullen," she said in a furious whisper, "were you about to say ' _killed him'_? Were you?" She was staring at me, incredulous.

Feeling my jaw clenching and unclenching, I was remembering his thoughts as he prowled the forest outside Bella's window the night before. He'd been visualizing ripping me apart again and again. Only Charlie's presence in the house had kept him from charging inside to tear Bella away from me. Not that he would have been successful, but the fight that would have resulted would have put Bella in danger from his huge wolf form.

Charlie was home from work that day and I was driving slow, barely moving above a crawl, pausing longer than necessary at the stop signs to draw out my time with her.

Finally realizing she was waiting for an answer, still staring at me, I spoke slowly, "I would try… very hard… not to do that." But I knew that there was no way I would let the dog live if he threatened her.

Stopping at the last intersection before her house, I caught thoughts of fury and of pleased vindictiveness. Listening hard, I recognized the fury as being from Charlie. I was used to that lately, but this had a different edge. No longer directed toward me, now he was enraged at  _Bella_. And the dog was all too pleased with himself.

She collected herself after a few minutes of silent fury and, breathing deeply, said, "Well, nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it. And you know Charlie's staring at the clock right now. You'd better get me home before I get in more trouble for being late."

"You're already in more trouble, Bella," I said, quietly, unsure if I should be mad at Jacob, or pleased, because I was sure that this would  _not_  help his pursuit of Bella. For her sake, though, I was furious. And then recognizing that this would cut down on my already limited time with her, I felt a ferocious snarl building in my chest.

She moved close to me, laying her hand on my arm and whispered anxiously, "What? What is it?"

"Charlie…"

"My Dad?" her voice was a panicked screech.

Glancing at her, I realized she was afraid for her father and tried to reassure her.  _He_  was not in trouble.

"Charlie… is probably  _not_  going to kill you, but he's thinking about it." I pulled away from the stop sign then, passing her house to park by the tree line.

"What did I do?" she gasped.

I drew her gaze toward her driveway. There, parked beside her father's police cruiser was a bright red motorcycle.

Recognizing it instantly as the one she had been risking her life with, she gasped, "No!  _Why?_  Why would Jacob do this to me?"

Smugly pleased at her fury toward the dog's betrayal, I watched as angry tears filled Bella's beautiful eyes. "Is he still here?" she hissed.

I listened more closely, trying to hear past Charlie's fury to find out what Jacob wanted.

… _bloodsucker… don't own her… can't believe I have to_ talk _to the leech… Sam owes me big for this…_

"Yes," I told her calmly. I nodded toward the forest. "He's waiting for us there."

She launched herself out of the car as though she was about to attack him herself. Which I suddenly realized was exactly what she was about to do. My Bella was about to throw herself in fury at a  _werewolf!_  Flashing around the car, not caring if Charlie could see me or not, I caught her around her waist and held her against me. She struggled, trying to break free.

"Let me go! I'm going to murder him!  _Traitor!_ " she was shouting.

I couldn't have been more pleased. Reasonably, making sure to keep my pleasure out of my voice, I warned her, "Charlie will hear you and once he gets you inside, he may brick over the doorway." She glanced back at the house, then continued in her struggles.

"Just give me one round with Jacob, and then I'll deal with Charlie." I hadn't heard such anger in her voice since she'd found out last year that Tyler planned on taking her to prom. Her tiger-kitten fury then had made me laugh. There was nothing kittenish about her fury this time. This was the fury of a woman betrayed. The kind of fury which, so they say, Hell itself cannot equal.

Still holding back my smile, I told her, "Jacob Black wants to see  _me._  That's why he's still here."

Instantly, her face paled and she stopped fighting me. Her eyes met mine, worried. "Talk?"

I shrugged, "More or less."

"How much more?" I wasn't sure if the tremble in her voice was still anger now or fear.

I brushed her hair away from her face, needing her to calm down. Fear and anger were not good emotions to display in front of a wolf. "Don't worry," I reassured her, "he's not here to fight me. He's acting as… spokesperson for the pack."

"Oh." She still looked upset, but at least she was in control of herself once more. Charlie's anger inside the house was palpable. If Bella was going to talk to Jacob, it had better be fast.

"We should hurry. Charlie's getting impatient."

My memory of Jacob from the last time I had seen him a year ago was of a somewhat scrawny sixteen year old.  _This_  boy - though I could see it was the same boy - was huge. There was no other word for it. He looked twenty-five at least, muscular and tall. Apparently wolves had rapid growth spurts when their wolf genes activated. I stopped walking as soon as I saw him, lounging lazily against a tree. His wolf stench permeated the small clearing. He smelled like warmed death, like he had rolled in rotting corpses before coming over to see Bella. I realized that he smelled like the drain in the Volturi's dining room and stopped breathing to avoid gagging. He had an angry sneer on his face that I was careful not to mirror. I could see him trembling, his wolf form vivid in his mind, begging to be allowed to burst forth. He was holding it back through sheer willpower.

Knowing how delicate his hold on his form was, I placed myself between Bella and the unstable monster. She leaned around me to glare at him and I could see her face in his mind, but I was careful not to look away from him to see Bella for myself. Although he was excruciatingly aware of her, he kept his eyes locked on mine, the string of insults a running commentary through his thoughts.

"Bella," he greeted her, nodding.

"Why?" Her voice was a hurt whisper. "How could you do this to me, Jacob?"

His face was cold.  _I had to do_ something _to get you away from the bloodsucker._ "It's for the best."

"What is  _that_  supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to  _strangle_  me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to  _him_?"

I could see that her accusations hurt him, but he didn't want to answer, afraid that the truth would make her more angry with him. Happy to help out on that end, I answered for him.

"He didn't want to hurt anyone – he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me."

I felt the fury in him as I spoke the thoughts he didn't want her to know.

"Aw, Jake! I'm  _already_  grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?" she groaned at him. Her response shocked him and he looked away from me for the first time.

"That's why?"  _Damn it! I was sure it was the leech._

Speaking his thoughts again, I explained, "He thought  _I_  wouldn't let you, not Charlie."

"Stop that," he growled at me. I controlled my expression carefully. It wouldn't do at all to smirk at him. His anger surged through him and his body trembled with the force of the wolf trying to break through. It was a strange sensation to experience - like a fire burning through his bones, a shuddering flame that wanted  _– needed –_ to burst forth from him. Hearing it in his mind, I could feel the echo of the fire in my own body, cold for so long. It stung, like bees were trapped inside of me. I didn't like it.

"Bella wasn't exaggerating about your… abilities," he growled through his teeth. "So you must already know why I'm here."

Speaking calmly – one of us had to maintain control – I answered him, "Yes. But before you begin, I need to say something."

_As if I care what you have to say! It won't change anything!_

"Thank you," I told him. I knew that the only reason Bella and I were alive was because of the enraged dog standing in front of me. Pulling every ounce of persuasive power I had, using the passion I felt for the angel behind me, I made my voice as intense as possible. "I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my… existence." I could see him calm down, the surprise in his face and his thoughts apparent. But he didn't understand why  _I_  would ever thank  _him_. So I explained, "For keeping Bella alive. When I… didn't." When I left. When I failed her. When I betrayed her.

"Edward – " she protested, but I held out a hand to her. I needed to say it and he needed to hear it. I couldn't go to the reservation to tell him and might never get another chance like this, both of us calmly speaking as though we were humans, not mortal enemies.

I saw the effect my words had on him as their meaning reached through his shock and anger.  _No,_  he agreed with me,  _you didn't._  Then his fury resurfaced and he ground out, "I didn't do it for your benefit."  _I did it because I love her._

"I know," I said, answering his words and his thoughts. "But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there's ever anything in my power to do for you…"

_LEAVE!_

"That's not in my power," I shook my head at him.

"Whose, then?"

I glanced at Bella, meeting her eyes. "Hers. I'm a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don't make the same mistake twice. I'm here until she orders me away." Suddenly lost in their melted chocolate depths, I was only vaguely aware of the monster beside me and had to resist pulling her into my arms and kissing her. It would  _not_  have been smart to do that in front of him.

"Never," Bella whispered, understanding immediately, her clear eyes seeing through Jacob just as they did me.

Breaking away from my stare, she glared at him, "Was there something else you needed, Jacob? You wanted me in trouble – mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school. But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do  _that_. What more do you want?" Her words made my heart swell with pleasure. She may dream of the dog, but it was still  _me_  she wanted.

Glaring at me again, he pictured himself tearing Bella away from me, then ripping me apart. He spoke with a steady voice that was at odds with his screaming mental pictures. "I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty that is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute."

Knowing the treaty far better than he did, having helped to write it myself, I answered, "We haven't forgotten."

As I spoke, Bella demanded, "What key points?"

Still glaring at me, he directed his words at Bella, "The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce is over.  _Bite_ , not kill." Then he met Bella's eyes, a feeling of victory in his mind that was quickly displaced with terror when Bella answered him, her voice harsh.

"That's none of your business."

"The hell it – "  _WHAT! No! You're not going to – I won't let you – You foul, evil, loathsome – You've already convinced her to - ! You're going to_ kill _her!_  His thoughts were a blur of shock and fear and a hatred for me like I had never felt in another creature before. His body trembled, the wolf bursting through the cage Jacob had him locked in as he fought for control of his body.

Seeing his distress and forgetting any danger to herself, Bella took a step toward him, her hand outstretched and said, "Jake? You okay?"

Feeling the wolf about to take over, I caught her before she could get any closer and pulled her back behind me. "Careful! He's not under control."

Quickly gaining control of himself, his arms still trembling, but the rest of his body still, he snarled at me, "Ugh.  _I_  would never hurt her." Reminding me unsubtly that  _I_  already had.

A hiss of pain and anger escaped my lips. I knew only too well that I had hurt her, but what I had done, I had done to protect her. That my attempt failed, miserably, would never cease to cause me pain.

"BELLA! YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!" Charlie bellowed from the house.

After a moment of stunned silence, Bella muttered, "Crap."

"I  _am_  sorry about that. I had to do what I could – I had to try…"  _to win you back to me. Somehow. Any way I could._

"Thanks," Bella scowled. She watched the path in the direction of Charlie's house. I could see him watching for us out of the window.

"Just one more thing," I stopped Bella as she turned to go home, "We've found no trace of Victoria on our side of the line – have you?"

 _The Cullens ruining everything again. We'd have_ had _her if it wasn't for you parasites._  "The last time was while Bella was… away. We let her think she was slipping through – we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush her, but then she took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent and bailed. She hasn't come near our lands since."

"When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll – "

"She's killed on our turf. She's ours!" he hissed at me.

I  _needed_  to kill Victoria. I wanted to rip her apart slowly for daring to hunt my Bella. There was no way I was going to let the pack of dogs have that pleasure, no matter what kind of protective obligation they might feel. She was mine!

"No – " Bella started to protest, but Charlie's next roar stopped her.

" _BELLA!_  I SEE HIS CAR AND I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN'T INSIDE THIS HOUSE IN ONE MINUTE…!"

He didn't verbalize his threat, but Bella's previous comment about being shipped off to military school was not far from the mark.

"Let's go," I told her. She was still looking at Jacob, sadness in her eyes.

"Sorry," he whispered to her. "Bye, Bells."

"You promised." I could hear the ache in her voice and it tore at me that she should feel so much for  _him_. "Still friends, right?"

He shook his head at her.  _Not while you're with_ him _._  "You know how hard I've tried to keep that promise, but… I can't see how to keep trying. Not now…"  _Not now that he's back. Not now that you're going to_ become _one of them._  His thoughts were full of anguish. "Miss you." He reached a hand toward her, but didn't move. If she went over to him to take his hand, I was terrified I would lose her to him. Although I knew she loved me, I also knew that she cared for him far too much. I held myself rigid as she stretched a hand toward him, but she didn't move from my side.

"Me, too." Her voice was choked, her face full of pain. Then she took a step in his direction, "Jake…"

Unable to stop myself, I grabbed her and pulled her back to me.  _No! I can't lose you!_

"It's okay," she tried to reassure me.

"No, it's not." My voice was cold. There was no way I could let her go to him. She was mine! I'd finally accepted that she would be a vampire, my mate for eternity. How could I let her go now?

"Let her go," Jacob snarled at me, seeing the truth of the situation far more clearly than Bella did. The details she never missed, but the biggest truths, she was blind to. If she went to him, I would lose her. Jacob was as certain of it as I was. "She  _wants_  to!" His body swelled and trembled with the fury of the wolf.

Feeling the attack eminent in Jacob's mind, I pushed Bella out of his way, shielding her with my body once more, bracing myself to spring at him. A human I was forbidden to bite. A dog I was not.

"No! Edward – !"

"ISABELLA SWAN!" Charlie's furious bellow saved the situation from breaking into a fight at the last second.

Bella pulled at me, "Come on! Charlie's mad!" Her fearful voice brought back my calm and I regained control of my furious desire to  _end_  the dog. "Hurry!" she tugged on my arm. Never taking my eyes off of him, I walked back with my Bella toward her house.

Jacob's fury dissolved into rejected pain as she pulled me along with her. I could feel her trembling in my arms and knew that she hurt for her friend.

"I'm here," I promised, squeezing her gently.

She took a deep breath and looked into my eyes. I could feel my love for her burning in my eyes as the strength of her soul filled her body. She squared her shoulders and turned her back on the wolf, walking forward with steady steps. Her voice may not have answered me yet, but I knew by her actions, her presence beside me a solid  _yes_ , that someday very soon, I would make Bella my wife. I rejoiced in the knowledge that she was mine and I was hers, forever.

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

**Author's Note**

Hi Everyone!  
*waves

Thank you all for joining me and Edward on this journey. It's not over yet, though. We've still got a long way to go before our lovers' happily ever after. I hope you'll join us for the next installment. I'm nearly done with Eclipse, and should start posting soon. Once I'm done writing Eclipse, I get to start writing Breaking Dawn! :D Yes, I fully intend to finish the series.

Happy Reading!

~Leona


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